Uneasy Heart

Uneasy Heart,

So FINALLY after weeks of not talking, I texted Travis and I said " I WISH you would talk to me" and he instantly responded.. So we made plans like the next day to hang out Wednesday night. So he didn't really talk to me the whole day and I thought he had bailed on me, but last second he asked if we were still hanging. I got ready and hung with a friend for a little bit before he got back home from riding with his dad, we met up at the theater again where we met the first time and he told me he had to run an errand first, so we drove over to a bar and we waited on his dealer for like an hour and talked in his car which is where i finally got him to explain why he had ignored me and what was even wrong with him in the first place and basically got him to tell me some things I knew that were very personal to him. I was pissed though and I definitely bitched at him for a good twenty minutes before even letting him speak. And I forced him to apologize to me because I told him how bad he hurt my feelings ignoring me like that, even though know I totally understand why he ignored me and I probably would have done the same thing if i was in the same situation he went through. I don't want to type it out what happened but hopefully my future self remembers (if he even stays in my life) I promised him if he ever needed someone to talk to, that i would be there for him regardless if he wanted a relationship or not, even if we just stayed friends., then we drove around for a while trying to find a park to smoke a blunt in, ended up going to his friends house to smoke and just parked in his driveway, we laid in the back of his car and smoked for quite some time while we just talked and it was a little awkward and then he finally leaned down and kissed me and the rest of the night was just hardcore making out... but not too long into kissing, he literally stopped to tell me that he didn't want to go any further than this tonight and kept sounding really frustrated about it, saying that he did want to go further BUT..... said he just wanted to "play it safe"... Which doesn't really make any sense to me, I don't know that means, if that he wanted to wait until we were in a relationship to do anything or if he wasn't interested me like that or if he just didn't have any condoms with him or what.. I kept trying to ask him what he meant by playing it safe and he just said it means what It should mean... I've been thinking about it way too hard.. stressing myself out about it.. Or maybe if he was just too tired to want to do anything.. But he kept telling me that he really likes me and told me I was such an amazing kisser and that he was really interested in me and not to take offense or take it personally that he didn't want to go further than kissing. I've honestly just never been faced with that situation. I've never been rejected. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I did something wrong.. no matter how much someone assures me. It's not like I would have wanted to anything more than kiss though, so it was kind of lucky that we both felt the same way.. But I don't know. It's unusual. Or he just didn't want to do anything so soon after a huge change/event happened in his life. I don't knooooowww. I should really stop thinking. I texted him last night asking if he got home safely, he never texted back. I texted him again when I got home safely, no response. I texted him this morning, no response. Logged on facebook and saw he had been reposting stuff again, but couldn't text me. I'm so beyond frustrated. Honestly.. I think I give up now. I'm not going to try for him anymore unless he puts forth the effort first. I read our messages when we first started talking and he was so adamant to get to try to know me and date me and everything.. now it's a text here and there, after i've already texted him like 5 times. So. I can only try so hard. I can't keep playing the desperation card. It's making me pathetic. I feel pathetic. I feel miserable actually. I can't wait until January to start being vegan again, get some extra weight off and hopefully just feel better and more sexier than I do right now.. Cause I've actually tried to talk to four different guys now since I've been single, and 3 have flat out rejected me for a relationship, and Justin.. I just couldn't give him another chance. I couldn't handle being with him again. Even if he can offer me the world, I don't want it from him. Theres too many things about him that I just don't think I will ever be able to love again. Too much time that separates us from the lovers we used to be. He can't see that, but I can.. and hopefully one day he will be able to too and that is when his uneasy heart will be able to rest.

Rejecting Love

Rejected Love,

I officially give up on men. I give up on putting my effort in, and getting heart broken in return. I still haven't talked to Travis. He sent me a snapchat today and anger just flashed in my mind because HOW DARE HE SNAP CHAT ME WHEN HE HASNT SPOKEN TO ME IN LIKE 3 WEEKS. But then I watched the snapchat and I realized he just sent it to everyone on his list and put it on his story. So I let all my anger go. Me and Andrew have made plans three times now to hang out and he completely blew me off each time. So I give up there. Yet he still keeps making all these posts on facebook about being single and shit. I know why he's single now for his age. He's just fucked up. Glad he saved me the trouble of knowing he was shit early on rather than leading me on and hurting me later. Justin and me have been having issues. I'm done with love and he just wants another chance. He texted me on thanksgiving and we've been talking since then. I wish he wouldn't have. I wish he would have just left me alone. I didn't need more trouble in my life from him. I didn't want to hurt him but i've told him everything painfully imaginable i can to try and get him to leave me alone. I told him I didn't ever want to have sex with him, told him I would never tell him I love him again, told him I didn't want to date, didn't want to do anything... Yet he's still here.. waiting for me like I'm the best girl he could ever possibly deserve. But I've pissed him off so I don't know if he's going to talk to me. It's always just fire and ice between us. I'm so tired of fighting with people. I am so tired of being upset with people. I was happy for a good solid two days when I thought things were going good. I was more just excited to start something with Travis. I really thought we would be something. I really don't know what happened. I wish he would tell me. I wish I knew. Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe I'm too fat? Maybe I'm annoying.. or maybe its innocent and its only because of the distance between us and nothing else. But I can't get an answer out of him.. and I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be desparate. I wish I could just let go of the people who already let go of me. It would be a lost easier.  I also found out the my god child is a BOY!! My friend is 20 weeks along and we just found out his gender yesterday. His name is going to be Brantley. I am so excited. She's going to let me be there when she gives birth, since she hasn't let me go to any of her doctors appointments. Crazy how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I guess it's cause I'm not the one who is pregnant haha. That would be a mess if I was. I have plans later tonight, but so much on my mind, I felt like I had to get some of it out. But it's always the same, it never really changes, I never fail to get upset about things that shouldn't even matter... But now I have to see Andrew, every morning shift I work.. and of course I work the whole weekend with him.... I don't even know how that is going to go. I hate being constantly reminded of someone I dislike. But it's his fault we aren't together, and thats what drives me crazy about all these men I guess. I'm used to being the one who says NO to guys. I am not used to guys saying NO to me. It makes me feel like the tables have really switched. Maybe that is karma just biting me on the ass. Or Have I just become someone that I don't even recognize anymore ?  I feel normal. I feel like myself.. but I feel the demon inside me waiting to come out. When I argue with anyone, or get angry, I feel it's vibes lurking, waiting for the chance to jump out and cause someone pain. I don't want to repeat the situation with Ashton. I really don't. I have to stop fighting with Justin. I can't take feeling my demon inside me. It had been a good 4 or 5 years since I had relapsed into anger like that. I can't even remember if I was sober or fucked up or if it was a hangover or what. I just can't rememeber clearly. But I let myself slip. I should never let myself slipped. I'm just lucky that the cops weren't called. I really thought they would be. Thats all I remember thinking. I was very self-aware, afraid the hotel employees would watch the camera and call the cops. Or our neighbors would come out and try to pull us apart, or hear the screaming, or something. But nobody every came, nobody ever noticed we were there, so it didn't feel real. Nothing that night felt real. Nothing that whole week felt real. Losing him doesn't feel real. I have to keep asking myself why he won't come back to me. But I know why. I know why he will never come back. I know why all his ex's went "crazy" on him.. and how I fit RIGHT into that category when I swore I never would. I don't ever see us getting back together. Though I wish we would. Sometimes..? Do I? Do I really? I don't know. Can you date someone after going through that much?

Lonely Thoughts

Lonely Thoughts,

Wow, today was really a slap to the face. A real reality check. I haven't talked to barely anyone today. Travis, not Andrew. I've spent my day in my head all day, nobody to text me and keep me entertained. I tried talking to both of them and they just didn't reply and blew me off basically for no reason. I don't know if I did something wrong or what happened but it's saddening. It's given me a reminder that I am single and that I don't have anybody who truly loves me in life besides the small family I do have. And that is a very sobering/frightening thing to think about. I couldn't help but think about all the money I spent in all my relationships, and how I always give so much to people physically to compensate for the things I cannot give them emotionally... It's time for me to try and turn that around and give more emotionally than I ever have but that's kind of hard to do when I can't find a guy who even wants to talk to me for a solid day. I know I haven't known or been close to either of them for very long but still.. I want somebody. I need somebody. I can't be alone like this. My thoughts aren't ever safe when I'm left alone for too long.. somebody should know that.. somebody should be sitting next to me to save me, but when i look next to me I am alone. I guess I could always go back to justin if nothing wrongs out... but I've been playing and playing games with him for a long time and he deserves a lot better than me. Even though all he really wants is me. I wish people knew what they deserved and were willing to go for it rather than settling. But I settle too. It's human nature I guess. We just naturally want to be with the first person who comes in our lives and says the right thing, we want to chase after anyone that gives us their attention... And we settle, because we're too focused on one option to see the second option which is clearly better when it appears. Humans are so stupid it upsets me, it upsets me that I'm one of them. That I can't even escape this humanity. Maybe I should only write when I'm high. I feel like... that would be the best way to get my thoughts out instead of just updating my future self (like she really cares...)..I have to heal my brain somehow. I don't know if writing has helped at all.. It's just something I've been trying to push myself to do before this year is over. This year has been crazy.. like really crazy. I can't tell if i've fallen more apart or if i've patched myself up a little better than before. I feel like I've had a lot of people in and out of my life this year. Some I wish they would have stayed, some I wish they would have gone a lot sooner. Last year was a year of craziness too though. Mostly with Justin, he was my highlight and the darkest points of that year.  I don't really know who my highlight this year was.. but I know my darkest point was Ashton. I hope for a year where I do not have any darkest points, only highlights, a year so incredible that I can look back upon it and be so damn happy to be alive and have witnessed it. I was talking to Charly tonight and reminded myself of the time in our Bermuda cruise where we were sailing back into NYC and like 7 of us, huddled in a large chair and watched the sunrise and talked and giggled and laughed and flirted. It was beautiful. The cold air hit us but we only snuggled closer. Eventually two of them had to go back to their cabins to sleep, but those who stayed witnessed the ever beautiful changing sky.. It was bitter sweet, because I would probably never see these people again my life, and that the vacation was over and I had met some truly amazing people who forever changed my viewpoint on life and to this day, I still talk to every now and then.. We try to keep updated on eachothers lives, We've all grown so much this year as well.  It's so crazy how time matures us even when it feels like every day is the same old bullshit.

Monsters Influence

Monsters Influence,

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving, I'm super full of carbohydrates and food babies. I regret eating but, thats every holiday. I forgot to miss Ashton all day. I really did forget, some days are better like that.. but then there are days where he's the only thing on my mind. But lately it's been easier to not let myself think about the past, the days keep passing and it continues to take away further from that bad time. Tomorrow will be a month since this all happened, since we broke up... A month of hatred for eachother, a month of no forgiveness from him, a month since my whole life and future plans changed. But It's also been about a week that I can take a selfie and not see the sadness in my eyes. A week that I can have a normal day and go without crying or having to skip classes just so I could wallow at home in pain. A week since I want to go out to work and to hang with friends. A week since I will finally answer my phone when it rings, instead of sending my friends simply calling to chat to my voicemail. A week since I will get on social media and not cringe when I see photos of couples or quotes about break ups. I've been trying to think about when I will want to date again, but to be honest I really don't know. I wouldn't be happy with a relationship right now, but at the same time, if I don't say yes when the question is asked, I don't think things will be as smooth for me afterwards. I'm in a hard place. But that's how the universe works for me. I lose two people in my life, and I receive two more. Thus making me have to decide... and I never know which answer will be the wrong one. But even if I pick the wrong one, I will lose the wrong one and then proceed to lose the right one as well. I have to pick right on the first try I guess. Is that how life works for other people? I wish I knew. I feel like my life is more complicated than others. I talk to my friends and hear about their love lives. I don't think I've met anyone that has had an EASY relationship, I've heard of all the fights in everyones relationships but most people don't break up and date someone new. I mean, my friends have had multiple boyfriends but not as quickly as i have had. I just feel like i go through people. I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me, I wonder if i should seek out therapy? I wish I could talk to like a psychiatric major doctor or something and explain all my feelings.. or hell, show this blog to them and tell them that I need a diagnosis. Just something that can explain this. Or tell me that it's normal for my age, or someone similar to me, or I don't even know. I don't feel like i've had a hard life. I've been priveleged. But I've never been happy. I go through these cycles and they never seem to break and I don't want these cycles to continue for the rest of my life. I don't think I can keep living through this. Especially since they seem to get increasingly disastrous. If I can actually hurt someone I love, and be able to say such awful things to them and kick them and leave physical marks out of anger and not love, and NOT be able to remember it or be controlled... I just.. I feel like I could be capable of so much worse... I don't know if that event can be repeated and/or even worsened... or if that was just a one time freak out that won't ever happen again, it was only because of the relationship and the drugs and the atmosphere and the stress...  It's just kind of terrifying to live with a monster inside of you that can be woken up whenever it pleases.... Theres no protecting my loved ones from myself..

First Date

First Date,

I had my first date with Travis last night... Honestly it's nice to start over. like incredibly nice. My relationship with Ashton was great at the beginning, and it always starts that way doesn't it? But we just got to the point where I couldn't handle talking to him, I would ignore him if he pissed me off and we would go hours or a day without talking, or I mean.. he would text me but I wouldn't respond. Just getting away from that, and getting away from justin as well.. has been amazing. I felt so bummed out. I felt depressed for losing one relationship and then angry at myself for letting a second person slip through my hands too but honestly, it was my choice. It was all a choice. it was a choice for that weekend to go badly. It was a choice to not be able to work things out. It wasn't all just MY choice but also his choice as well. But still, maybe he'll come back in a year or so and tell me he wants to be together. I just hope I can look him in the eyes and tell him I'm sorry but no. I tend to forgive people too easily, I give them more chances to hurt me and I don't want to be that way anymore. I already offered my friendship to ashton, I offered him a second chance at us. He ignored my text message. Guess I got a good taste of my own medicine, didn't I?


Anyways.. Back to the date. So it was our first time meeting after we have been talking for a good.. year? Idk. On and off. But it was very natural of a meeting. I don't know, he hugged me instantly and told me how nice it was to finally meet me. We got in his car and drove around to find a place to roll a blunt, then he took us to a little spot on the lake to smoke, it was freezing cold though.. we smoked and talked and laughed and joked and flirted a little bit then went back to his car. We drove around and just talked for a little bit and then decided to go to a hookah lounge. Not the best place for a first date but it was all spontaneous and last minute, not like we had planned an actual romantic date or anything. He paid for everything. We enjoyed the hookah, though it both made us sick after a while. We watched a very intoxicated girl grind against a clearly nervous indian guy, It was pretty funny. I really enjoyed that, it was very entertaining.. It was a very loud environment, like crazy loud so it was hard to talk but we could still hear eachother if we raised our voices. After we left there, we rolled up another blunt and went to his house and smoked there. It was funny though because we looked at the clouds and they formed a small little heart, and I said "look, thats the universe talking to you" and he laughed.. and the heart changed and then he said "look, it got bigger" and surely enough, it had. And thats when I felt healed. Thats when I had realized that I was over the break up, I wasn't bitter about Ashton, I wasn't interested in going back to an ex-boyfriend, I was/am ready to move on and start over with somebody new. The universe told me that it was time to move on and heal, and I will be damned if I tell it no. I had him take me back to my car after that though, and I made a little sexy flirtacious joke and he said "well, We have to start somewhere and leaned over to me, I leaned in and we kissed... and then kept kissing and he put his hand on my neck, and it was just wow. I forgot how much I enjoyed first kisses with people. It's always a new interesting experience. I just wanted to keep kissing him but he pulled away and smiled and said he had to leave me wanting more for next time. So we both got out of his car and he opened my car door for me and as we said goodbye we kissed again. He's a lot taller than me so I was on my tippy toes a little bit but i had my hands wrapped around his neck and it was.. I don't even know. It felt so natural and comfortable. I wasn't nervous to kiss him (maybe that was the weed or the xanax i had taken) but I was so relaxed. I enjoyed it very much. As soon as I got in my car, I said "oh my GOD" out loud and texted my best friend telling her how much of an amazing kisser he was (of course she was asleep and didn't respond but I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE.) and the whole ride home I would instantly bite my lip if i thought about kissing him... It was a long drive home but honestly it was worth it. I got home about 2am, ate some food and crashed. Then I went to work in the morning and theres a guy named Andrew I work with... and he's a lot older than me... but we flirted like hardcore the entire shift and he finally asked for my number, I gave it to him and we've been talking ever since. He seems pretty nice, I don't expect us to really go anywhere but thats the fun of everything.. Never know who I will end up with next, or what will happen, if ashton will come back out of the blue, or somebody even more new. I don't know. I'm really excited for this next chapter of my life though, regardless of what happens. I feel like i've closed a book. But I know all too well, that this chapter will be over shortly and my negative feelings will come back.  I'm enjoying it while it lasts though.

Losing Everyone

Losing Everyone,

Okay now that I've kind of updated myself. I don't really get on here and type my feelings out much even though I know it desperately helps myself track my progress. But what is the use of tracking your emotions and growth if you aren't growing at all? If every step just keeps bringing me backwards, then why do I keep walking? Why do I keep going on? I wish I knew.

We went to Something Wicked in Houston for a weekend in October, and that was our downfall. I was kind of moody on the drive there but I was just hungry and I got in a better mood after drawing a little bit. Friday night, we went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and had a great night, I paid for everyones food though and nobody thanked me. Later that night after my brother left, we got fucked up and I ended up falling asleep before anyone else but it was nice just to be in a bed with Ashton. Cause that was ultimately our last time we'd ever be that close again. I wish I had known that. I would have cuddled him a little closer, or done a little more or something. Anyways. Saturday morning we all slept in. We woke up about 2pm and found out that the first day of the rave had been cancelled. Therefore we all felt trapped in the hotel room, him and his friend begun drinking and snorting coke early in the day.. I stayed sober, I don't really like to get like that. But me and Ashton just started arguing and fighting and I said a personal joke towards him and he said one to me, and somehow I ended up getting shoved into the counter... but we somehow ended up almost having sex, he just couldn't get it up because of the coke and his friend knocked on the door tired of waiting for the pizza outside, after that we just couldnt keep our hands off eachother, and not in a good way, we started fighting worse (sexual frustration makes everything worse let me tell you now) and yelling and pushing and shoving and kicking and restraining and it all just escalated so quickly. I texted Justin,  desperately trying to save myself, to talk to somebody and get away from it all and Ashton saw my phone, didn't know who it was but grabbed my phone away from me and threw it against the wall and shattered it. Thats basically when I lost myself. I don't really remember too clearly, all my memories go fuzzy when something bad happens like that. Your conscious turns off and everything after that point is animal instincts. I freaked out on him, I knew he was gonna have bruises and marks all over him. I knew his friend was recording me. I didn't care. He hurt me, and there was no coming back from that. My phone is literally my everything. My only connection to the outside world being 5 hours away from home. I borrowed his phone and called my brother bawling and asked him to come pick me up (it was hurricane weather btw when that hurricane hit Mexico, there was a ton of flooding on the drive there but we made it), So while I called my parents and my brother, Ashton was in the background screaming that he never hit me and that he would pay for my phone (which I knew was a lie, he doesn't have a job). He just wouldn't leave me alone, so my anxiety set in and I just had to get away. I went to the front hotel desk and demanded they cancel sunday night and give me my money back, and ashton came and grabbed me and tried to tell them not to refund it. And I demanded they did. I got 60$ back, which isn't much but it made me feel safer that if I didn't have a place to stay with them, they wouldn't either. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I did tell my brother to turn around after i cancelled the hotel, I told him me and Ashton could fix things ourselves and i didn't need him to pick me up. But they were already more than halfway there and refused to turn around. I tried. I tried to fix things, even if Ashton doesn't think so. He broke up with me, and then immediately tried to take it back. I told him I didn't want to be together if he couldn't do anything but hurt eachother. My brother finally came and talked to both of the guys and they took me back to their dorm room all the way in Galveston. I couldn't text ashton or anything and try to figure things out. I got my phone fixed sunday morning and we went out to breakfast. When I was in the phone store, Ashton told me they decided to be nice and wanted to give me a ride back home today. So I had my brother and his gf drive me all the way back to Houston and meet up with them. I got in the car and they both immediately accused me of stealing out of Ashton's wallet because he was missing 80$... But thats not me. I would never steal and I would never go that low. At that point, I didn't hate Ashton. But I was mad. I was unforgiveably mad at him. And not thinking rationally (which i rarely do that anyways, but especially irrationally that day), We stayed pretty silent the whole car ride back home. I didn;t have any music on my new phone to listen to, so it was an awkward silence and dealing with listening to them talking and just pretending I wasn't there the whole ride. We finally got about an hour from home and we started arguing. I was being bitchy (I'm sorry, I really was. Can't deny that but did they think they deserved my happiness?) and they asked me for gas money, and I told them I wouldn't (not knowing that i actually DIDN'T have the money to do it because i spent the money on my phone) and they thought i was being ungrateful and rude so they decided to stop the car and kick me out at a Braum's 40 minutes away from home, at 11pm at night, when it was 60 degrees and i didn't have a jacket, and my phone was at 2%. I had to call my mom crying and have her pick me up. A nice lady and her family and lots of kids came up to me while i was waiting though and asked me if i needed help, I politely explained my situation and told her I was okay though. They left, but the lady came back out like 10 minutes later and brought me a hot cocoa and prayed with me (I'm not religious in any sense but I cried like a baby holding her hands). It was just sad that a complete stranger could show more compassion and love towards me than someone who had spent 6 months talking to me everyday, having sex with me, going on dates with me, telling eachother personal things. I knew we were fighting but I honestly would never leave someone like that. Ever. I don't care if theyre my worst enemy. They never came back either. Never texted me or anything. My mom finally got me, after what felt like forever, and a lot of tears. She was pissed at me. Telling me everything was my fault. But yeah. I already knew that mom.  I got home though and I texted Ashton all day monday and finally I apologized for everything. I said "sorry love" and he said "No." and I just replied with a sad face and he said "Have a good life, Bye" and I haven't heard from him since. I texted him really late at night, the day after halloween and told him how bad I was sorry and knew i fucked everything up, but he never replied. I didn't expect him to reply. Or maybe I did. I don't know but my heart is hurting. I've been hanging with Justin, trying to fix the pain of the whole situation but you know. When one thing comes down, everything else falls apart too. I lost my job yesterday, all my dermal piercings in my chest started to reject, My goose was killed by a stray dog and i had to watch him take his last breath and then proceed to go to class afterwards, and I have a guy I love that I can't be with and a guy who loves me that I refuse to be with. So if theres an award for the worst life events going on sequentially, this is it. Oh, and then yesterday there was all that bombing in Paris and the attacks all over the world. So basically everything is going to shit. I guess I'm not the only one with their life falling apart. I was going to text Ashton today and tell him to please talk to me, I thought about it all last night. I've been thinking about it for a while. But I was on his friend's facebook page today and his mom had commented saying he was enjoying his single life, etc, etc. And it broke me. I don't know if that's a lie. or a truth. or what. but I'm not going to complicate his life. I can't do that anymore. I'm a disaster and I should just learn to leave people alone. I should learn to let go. I desperately wish I could learn to let go. I'm always thinking about someone else when I'm with someone. When I was with Ashton, I couldn't let go of Justin and our memories. Now I'm single (but Justin's been trying to date me) and I can't let go of Ashton and our memories. But I think I still have a shred of faith left in me that something will happen soon and lead me on the best direction. Or I'll finally get the courage I need. But this isn't a fixable situation right now. Maybe I should wait for him to text me first, maybe I should leave it alone? I don't know. You think he would be hurting as much as I would. But who knows. I never know. Love can always be a lie, no matter how much time you spend with eachother... You never know who really loves the most. Especially with someone like me. My feelings dont reveal themselves until that person is gone. Then I feel the loss like a knife to the heart.

(PS: There are some details left out, but thats how my brain works, just hit the high points so that when I look back on this in the future, I can understand without all the unnecessary stuff)

Colorado Update

Colorado  Update,

OK so now is the time that I need to update my blog about the whole Colorado trip. First off, for the entire trip Ashton was sick and vomiting the entire time, he was fine Wednesday night as we drove down to Lubbock and we just talked the entire car ride which was really nice, but we did get into a fight over me being vegetarian and he was very disrespectful and just didn't want to hear about my  views or anything on the matter, which did actually make me very sad but I got over it. He met my aunt and my uncle when we got to Lubbock and also met my cousin and her boyfriend..  They seem to take to him pretty well, we went out on a double date together to Applebee's and he wasn't feeling great after eating there but he wasn't puking that night and we ended up smoking at my cousins house and then falling asleep. We woke up early Thursday morning and he had bought a red bull at a gas station and literally chugged it in a minute flat and then after that   He was puking the entire car ride, we had to stop a couple times to let him get out and puke but after that he just got a trash bag and puked into that ...  He was pretty miserable by the time that we got to Colorado but we did explore a little bit..  Colorado is absolutely beautiful, it is everything that I wanted and more, the first night of the rave I was completely screwed up on edibles, I had just flat out taking way too much for my first time ever having real edibles ..  I ended up puking on the floor at the rave and basically my group had to drag me and make sure that I was OK the entire night and it was just really embarrassing, I had a final destination movie moment where I really thought we were going to die as soon as we stepped onto the event venue, and it was triggered by seeing someone that I thought looked like someone who had recently died and after that my whole entire trip just went south really fast and after I puked I felt so much better but before  then I was actually just awful and so many ways. Saturday  was my birthday and  It was honestly pretty awful, Ashton stayed at the hotel and me and my cousin and her boyfriend went out to a lunch date where they proceeded to get into a fight and he ended up leaving us, then coming back like 10 minutes later and pulling my cousin from the table and demanding to talk to her.  The night was fun though, Ashton stayed home so I was a third wheel on my birthday but that's to be expected... We smoked a bunch and laughed and danced. Sunday  Ashton finally felt better and we had a pretty good day together. The whole ride home, he was sick again, I had to message his mom worried and told him he needed an ER. We finally got home and his mom admitted to me that he had drank on the fourth of july when he promised me he wouldn't/hadn't. We kind of got into a fight about that but now it doesn't even matter. The whole trip was a waste and I was honestly just happy to get home and get away from them all. I got my expectations up too high and I shouldn't have.

Wavering Sobriety

Alright so I just got off work. I'm sipping on coca cola and some blackberry whiskey. Lets see where the words will take us tonight.
First off, I don't know if I'm back in my phase of mood swinging or what but after vacation, I don't see me and Ashton lasting for long. I'm too difficult. I'm too difficult for anyone to be honest and I really just rather be single at this point rather than put anyone else through the hell that is ME.  Now let's be honest.. there are people out there who can handle the worst of people and I'd be considered easy, and I love those types of people but sadly I don't have enough of those people in my life. To most people I'm just difficult, stubborn, selfish, too loud, etc and all of that fun stuff. I don't want to really back out of my life though and stop being me, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. The alcohol is hitting me way too hard clearly cause I don't remember how I truly feel anymore. I work tomorrow and then by 10pm I am on vacation time! I'm honestly just praying that it goes smoothly... me and Ashton were already arguing about wether to bring a rig for dabs on the road trip. I paid for everything though and I feel like if I'm the one driving, I should have the say what goes in the car or not.. especially if it's my moms car.. I'm just terrified that the first out of state rave experience I'll have, will also be my first experience in jail. I'm also terrified that we wont have as much fun without our actual rave family going. It'll be just me and Ashton.. and the last two raves we went to, we weren't as close of a couple as we are now.. I think my cousin and her bf will be fine though. I just want everything to go according to plan.. but there really isn't a plan.. thats the issue. Perhaps I am a control freak, or perhaps I am just afraid of chaos. Perhaps I am just a cheater, and not really a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I am self destructive forever, not somebody who is recovering. How do we truly even define ourselves half of the time? I can't be the only person who argues with themselves about who they truly are inside, and how they really feel? I never know which feelings of mine are real and which ones are fake, I don't know whats contributed to PMS or bipolar, or which ones are truly established emotions. Don't you know how scary that is? I always have to wonder WHY I feel a certain why, I can't just accept it and move on. I can't just decide I don't love someone one day and then leave, because I don't know what makes me truly feel that way.. so I stay. and I stay. and I continue to stay. because the cycle repeats.. It always repeats.. thats why people ask me why I stayed with a guy who was abusive to be but... I couldn't ever reason the emotion to why I felt like I should leave him. Maybe I feel like I should be abused, maybe I feel like I should be pushed around and manipulated, maybe I need that in my life to show me how I used to act towards other people. I don't want to be in love with anyone at this point, I just want to be done. I don't want to keep pretending that I can love just one person and be committed to them. AT this point, i've already fucked up my relationship, that part is just a secret though. A secret I wish I wasn't hiding but theres not really any option. I keep a lot of secrets. But are they really secrets if sometimes they just never need to be told? I feel like it really fucks someone up inside to know that they have been cheated on. It really fucked me up. Maybe it was the fact that it was in person, maybe it was the fact that he didn't tell me himself, that the girl had to do it, maybe it was the fact that she was prettier than me and more than I could ever be. I don't know. How could I knowingly tell someone I cheated on them and deceived them when I know exactly how they will feel? Isn't it just easier to carry on as nothing happened? Or is that cheater logic? I feel like you should know when someone has been unfaithful, I feel like they carry an energy around them that tells you that they have been up to no good. I sure as hell felt the uneasiness of my ex before I knew why he was creating that aura. I just had a feeling that something was off, that something was bad, that I was being.. fooled? Maybe other people don't pick up that good of senses. I swear sometimes I'm crazy when I talk about auras and everything. I just constantly feel really in touch with the universe and other people. I know better than to let people lie to me and go behind my back, and perhaps that is why I'm so good at going behind others back.. Nights like this I really wish I could just take some pills and never wake back up.

Coming Out

Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. I wrote my feelings out last night and my ex messaged me while Ashton was spending the night. I didn't see it until 6am of course or I would have instantly messaged back.. but it's just so crazy that he messages me at the most random times. I knew he had been thinking about me, because I had been thinking about him too. Yesterday, I was talking to one of my friends and I have come to the conclusion that I am polyamorous/polgyamist  which is defined  as: a mating system in which an individual has more than one mate simultaneously that can either be male or female. And I'm also pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
 I honestly think this has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. but when I think about all of the relationships I have been in, I can honestly say that I have never been pleased with just one person. I always seeked more and more and more, even if my partner was giving me as much as they possibly could. I've cheated in all of my relationships, it doesn't matter how much I love/d that person, It still happens and I've come to the conclusion on the fact that I need more than one person. I don't say this as in the fact that I'm not "loyal" or "commited" to my partner, I say it in the means that I just don't work like that. My brain is not happy with being exclusive to one partner. I'm not happy single, and I'm not happy in a monogamous relationship, so I honestly think I need to explore my boundaries and see what will make me happy. I don't know if the bipolar could be playing a roll in this, or maybe it's just my sex drive.. I'm not really sure what is going on with myself. That's why I told Ashton last night that I needed to talk to him about something, but I wanted to wait until we took our trip to Colorado first. I just don't want anything potentially to ruin the relationship with 9 days left before we leave. I want everything to go smoothly. We were fighting all fourth of july weekend, but last night we spent together and we kinda got on eachothers butts a little bit but after it all, we watched a movie and cuddled and made out (and other stuff ;)) and it was an amazing night to get to enjoy the house to ourselves with our little puppy. It was much needed after being apart for almost two weeks. 
Admitting to myself that I am different is such a stressful thing though. I feel like society is going to outcast me for even speaking out loud my thoughts about this idea I have in my head. I just don't know how I'm ever supposed to be truly happy if I can't find a partner who is willing to be open to what I need. I mean.. In theory I think I'd be happy if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I can talk so much easier with girls than guys, but I can love equally both just as much as they need it. And then think about all the threesomes. (Hahaha... not really.. but... yeah.. thats a perk). But at the same time, it's not about sex. It's not about sex at all. I don't want sex from multiple people, I'm not greedy in that way (or am I?) I can be sexually satisified with just one person.. multiple times in a row.. I'm not really sure. That's why I'm afraid to speak these things to others.. Cause how can I explain it properly when I can't even think it out properly? All well. I guess time will tell. Funny how when I was younger, I never thought i'd be interested in girls.. let alone, be interested in dating more than one person at the same time.. BUT If I actually think about it, when I was younger and online dating, I was "dating" more than one person at once and it was so thrilling to me and thats what I enjoyed. I wish I had the chance to even try that, but the town I live in is definitely not accepting of that at all.. my parents wouldn't be accepting and I don't know if I could find a guy who loved me enough to share me. I think that's honestly a lot to ask out of partner and what if he just said yes to make me happy.. but deep down kept his negative thoughts towards it to himself? I don't want to do that. I just want to make other people happy, but if I need something out of a relationship... shouldn't I be able to get it? isn't love about sacrifice sometimes? I've sacrified a lot for all of my relationships.. I think if me and Ashton break up over this, the next person I date, I should be 110% honest with. I have jokingly asked Ashton if he'd let me have a girlfriend and he said yes.. but when I actually explain my real feelings.. I don't know if he would be so quick to say yes anymore.. or he might just think I'm lying to him so I can justify cheating on him or something. Who knows... But wouldn't it be cheating to try and find a second partner in the first place? Or is it all just consensual? I don't really know how this works. Someone help. 

Long Update

Wow. It's amazing to believe that I haven't written in this blog since October.. so much has happened. I really need to get back in to writing down my thoughts, you wouldn't believe how much mental progress it helps me make and how it helps me go back and realize how much I've changed. So lets see if I can catch myself up.. Me and Justin have broken up, we dated for about 7 months on and off, I can say it was the biggest roller coaster of my life. I honestly think we ended because of how emotinally abusive he got. I was terrified to do anything that would upset him, I couldn't hang with friends, and when I did.. he was calling me and texting me telling me that I needed to be spending time with him instead.. and after so much of that, I just got so sick of it. I don't remember exactly how or why we broke up but immediately after I cut ties with him, I've been dating a new guy. His name is Ashton, and currently we've been dating for almost 3 months. We started dating April 18th after we went to a rave called Something Wonderful (which got canceled half way through)... I've totally fallen in love with raves though. Our next one is Global Dance Festival in just 10 days! and in 11 days I will be 19. Crazy how time flies, I feel like I've only been 18 for a couple of months.. I've spent so much money on this trip. I had to pay for Ashton's ticket because he hasn't had a job in about a year. Now.. our realtionship is.. good? I guess.  I really can't say much. We've been kinda fighting when I wanted to go hang out with a guy friend and it reminded me so strongly of my ex that it just kind of put me off. I just can't possibly deal with another guy that wants to be controlling. But at the same time, I'm still crazy about Justin.We talked while I was dating Ashton and we hung out and he cried when he hugged.. I felt so awful, but we're both still crazy about eachother but after talking to him for a while, I saw that he hadn't changed as much as he said he had and I told him I was staying with my boyfriend.. then a few days after that he got a new girlfriend.. so I mean.. I wasn't that important to him obviously. Story of my life, yeah? Guys just wanna use you till they find the next girl to grip their claws in to I swear. Ashton, I think I love him but only time will tell. He's got some inner demons that I'm not sure he will ever conquer. He's a recovering addict and has a bad problem with alcohol.. I've threatened breaking up with him if he drinks anymore but who even knows. You can't stop someone who's determined to harm themselves.. and I know that on a personal level. I've relapsed a couple of times myself, shit just gets to me sometimes. I wish it wasn't that way. Me and my best friend Ashley stopped talking for a month or so, and thats when I just got so low.. and alot of my other friendships are fading too.. I guess thats the perks of growing up? I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life right now. Just living every day until I get somewhere better. I'm wanting to move soon enough, but I just want to take the plunge. I don't want to wait till I have money saved up or anything, I just want to go and see if I fall or fly. That's a crazy concept to most people but thats how I've lived most of my life and I feel like it teaches important lessons. OH. Me and Ashton got a dog together, he's a full bred Great Pyreenees.. his name is Apollo and hes a little cutie. Don't ask me what will happen to him if we break up... I would assume I get to keep him cause I paid for him ;). Now don't get me wrong.. Ashton isn't a cheap skate.. he just doesn't have money. and I've spent a lot of money on him... so to give up this relationship would really suck.. but for now, we're just making shit work between us. No real issues. He knows I'm crazy already and accepts it. He's showed me a little bit of his craziness, and it's hard to swallow sometimes but you know.. I guess that's what you have to do for love. I'm still working the same job at El Fenix.. been there since early October.. I still love it. Just lots of drama, I do adore my coworkers though. A few of us hung out last night and shared a blunt and some drinks, good times. I wish I had my own friends up in this shitty town but coworkers will have to be the closest thing to friends I have until I move. I've had a couple of love interests up at work but nothing I would ever end my relationships for. I hung out with a guy while I was single and he was the worst kisser EVER, and after that work was just really awkward.. but he got in a fight with a manager and quit so I guess that's good. I need to just not mess with people at work, I should know better than that.. but that's where my best relationship came out of, working at Domino's together (Wil <3). It's shocking I still talk to two of my ex's.. My very first ex and my longest relationship ex. They're both great guys, It's hard to become friends but damn if you really commit to it, it's possible. Ex's are people too, and I just believe that if you love someone, you're gonna think about them from time to time. Especially if you were intimate with them before. I find myself becoming more and more of a hypocrite though with things that I really need to chill out on. I wish I could find a way to fix that. Like.. for example.. if a guy that has been talking to me for a while, tells me that he just got laid or whatever I either get disgusted or disappointed or upset or something.. and it's not the fact that I don't like hearing about that stuff, it's just the fact that they text me and tell ME about it.. someone that they've admitted to liking and shit.. but at the same time i've told guys when I've gotten laid and stuff and I know they don't like it, but i've done it anyways.. so I dunno. something about me is just hardcore fucked up in my brain. I think I just get too attached to people and I expect them to be loyal to me (Even if i'm not loyal to them).. I'm going to start writing more frequently I promise..