Fall Through

Fall Through,

So.. I suppose things have changed, maybe just in the slightest way.. but not enough to completely change my way of thinking. I'm still with Alex.. and I (looking back on my last post) know that I have fallen for him in even just the slightest way, I finally smile when I look into his eyes and I feel comfortable with him and I told him my bad past, and he accepted me completely. He never let go of my hand while I told him and he just gave me a serious look and told me that it wasn't going to make him leave me, just that he worried for me and my safety and everything.. I still haven't gone into detail with him about cutting and the suicide attempts though, I know that he will need to know eventually but I just think it's too much and I don't want him to know that I am just THAT broken.. I know he can tell that I'm broken but to what extent? I'm not sure he knows yet. Some days I keep telling myself that me and him can last, that for once we can stay together for a long time but other days I tell myself that we couldn't possibly last.. I just don't think he will understand if he tells me that he loves me and I can't say it back. I don't love him, not yet anyways.. I'm not sure if I ever will but I know that right now he makes me happy. I do know that we have nothing in common though, and that will soon become a problem and a factor.. I mean I can make him laugh a lot, but we don't really have anything else to talk about.. just simple jokes and silence most of the time.. I'm not sure what to do.. and I keep having mood swings, they haven't stopped and I find myself closer and closer to suicide and it gets a little bit harder each time to tell myself to keep going on, to keep surviving, that it's all for a reason. I don't feel smart enough to have a future.. I don't even feel like I will be able to pass high school and graduate.. I feel like a true failure.. not a COMPLETE failure because I met my first true drug addict last weekend and that was the saddest thing I've ever seen.. but I feel like I have failed myself, and others as well.. I could have been so much better than this. I could have made something of my life, but I just.. didn't.. I didn't strive like I should have.. and it's honestly just too late to go back and try to fix any of this.. It's all so broken and mangled and I don't think I will ever go back to a even close form of "normal".. what doesn't kill you, fucks you up permanently.. so true. We're getting closer and closer to the holidays.. I've spent a lot of my money already on presents and it bugs me like crazy.. I constantly stress and can't decide if what I've bought for my friends is something they're going to appreciate, etc.. I think I'm panicking mostly because of what I bought Alex for christmas.. I just don't think he will appreciate the thought behind it or what else to add to it.. and thats why I rather just break up with him and keep it myself to save from judgement than to stay together.. but that's a dumb reason to break up.. and I just don't know what to do.. do I ever know what to do? I feel so alone without him next to me.. but I know that he can't be next to me all the time and I just.. I don't know.. he makes me feel attractive and beautiful until I look at myself in the mirror when he's gone and I see every single flaw come back at me and I just feel fat and ugly and broken and a mistake again.. The high of being with him just doesn't last.. I wish it did.. I really really really wish it did... I've done so well already to stay faithful and everything but I just feel like I fail him enough by just hating myself so much, and I know that he knows I have low self-esteem or something but I think he thinks I am joking.. that I'm not seriously that depressed.. but news flash baby.. I am.. I'm sorry... but you can't fix me.. and I don't want your help to fix me.. because I don't deserve to be fixed. and I never will. I figure I'll probably just go sit near train tracks or something.. on December 16th, or maybe on a bridge. or just something, i don't know.. it's just such a big date that I guarantee my ex will probably never even fucking remember.. He forgot about me a long time ago.. forgot everything he ever felt for me.. He replaced it all.. Why can I not replace my feelings? Everyone can replace me.. but I can't replace them.. Does that make me a bad person? I think I care too much.. and that's just how I get hurt.

I realize

I realize,

So of course, still dating Alex. I saw him last night and it was the first time we hung out alone with eachother.. yeah it was okay, we had fun, we laid on my bed and talked and laughed and talked about our past relationships and everything, but I still don't feel that connection that I'm looking for. The one that I've only had with my ex, and it can't seem to be found in anyone else. I took off of work tonight to hang out with Alex and Ashley and her boyfriend, like a double date. Hopefully it'll go well.. I guess I'm kind of feeling the same way again.. why stay with someone when I know it's not going to work out in the end? I don't think me and Alex will have a future.. he's not really what I want in a guy I guess.. Or am I just saying/thinking that so that I will never find anyone whos right? Am I just trying to protect myself? Probably.. but I can't tell if these feelings are real.. I mean yes I know he's a nice guy, he's really good for me.. he doesn't touch drugs, doesn't drink, isn't all into sex, smart, etc.. But I mean.. that's GREAT but.. that's not.. what.. I want... in a guy.. I want someone who is romantic and passionate, playful and flirty and silly, can make me laugh a million times and make me smile and have butterflies in my stomach when im around him, where I can look up into his eyes and know that he adores me and that I adore him and just get completely lost in his eyes and never want to look away.. I want him to be able to hold me when I'm upset and let me cry on his shoulder, I want him to be able to be serious with me and let me know when something is going on and make me feel like I am actually helping him and he's taking my advice, etc.. I don't care that he's smart in school (Just don't be a dumbass), I don't care if he does drugs (weed only though :/) or if hes had a rough past, if hes cut before, or attempted suicide, I just want him to want me as much as I want him. I want to be in love and know that it's returned right back. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in public with him, I want to show off to the world that he is mine and I am his. I want to look at him and be in his arms as if time has completely stopped and the world has stopped spinning just for us. I want to be able to trust him with every part of me, I want him to know that I am damaged and accept that and heal up every cracked little part of me.. even the parts that I didn't know needed to be fixed. I don't care if we don't agree on every little thing, I don't need him to want to be a doctor like I do, or find science and medicine or art as interesting as me, I just need to connect. Not in a physical way (though that is good too), but in a mental connection.. to feel like we BELONG together.. that we are not trying to force anything.. And I only had that feeling described above with my ex.. all of it.. it was exactly like that.. though we fought a lot more in between all of the lovey-dovey stuff. So now you think damn, she let all of that go? Well yeah... They are really telling the truth when they say you never know what you have until it's gone. This week has been kind of on and off hell with healing from wisdom teeth surgery and dealing with the depression side effects of hydrocodone, I did end up cutting.. just once, but deeper than ever and on my wrist where its impossible to hide, I'm ashamed.. but I felt like shit... about myself, about life, about the future, the past, everything, and I still feel like shit.. I'm just trying to cover it up I guess and not really think about it. I'm glad I had this entire week off for thanksgiving break, or i would have ended up missing so much school to heal from this stupid surgery.. They said I'd be better in 3 days, nope! A week and 1 day post op and I still hurt.. but not as much as a few days ago, definitely a ton better. Thanksgiving was kind of okay, the food was alright, and I ended up sleeping for most of it since my medication does that.. Christmas is soon.. but it also means December 16th... It would have been our two year anniversary.. hard to believe it's already been that long... time flies.. if only we would have stayed together.. but now my one month with alex is on December 11th.. just 5 days away.......    I really don't want to be with anybody... I just want to be single.. but I can't keep breaking hearts like this.. but I hate being single.. but I can't fall in love.. but I can't trust anyone... but I just need someone to be there for me.. And I've been thinking about it lately.. even if I was the richest, prettiest person in the world.. I still wouldn't be happy. Money nor good looks can buy happiness when you are this depressed. This is not "sad" anymore, this is depressed.. this is what it feels like to be depressed again.. Safe to say I didn't miss it.. 

An Experience

An Experience,

First off, I'm extremely sick ugh. I went to the doctor and I have just a sinus infection but I feel like I'm dying. amazing that I'm still alive honestly lol. Anyways, Things have been kind of up and down. Yes I was still single, and me and him are completely over now. He told me he still wants me but isn't going to stick around where hes not wanted. I feel so bad for breaking his heart like that but it was over before it began and it was never going to go anywhere.. and I'm glad that I ended it with him because I ended up meeting this really sweet guy, Alex. Yeah shocker I'm using a name for the first time but I know that I will get me AND my few readers confused if I keep using (him, ex-boyfriend), etc. Anyways. So Alex is a friend of my BEST friend (Ashley) and I hung out with him in a group on Halloween.. and I don't know, I thought he was instantly cute when I first saw him but of course I was in a relationship and somewhat happy so I didn't really give him much of a second glance. And then on November 4th, me and him and Ashley hung out and went to the mall for sonic blasts and saw The Possession, I instantly made him laugh and I realized how cute he was and how nervous he made me by being so darn cute. He's quiet but I loved that I could make him laugh and he even had some humor in him, and of course we both laughed that Ashley kept jumping with the scary parts... The movie was good, and we got out and we all didn't want the night to end.. so we went to McDonald's and sat down and ordered some food and literally we all just talked, and chatted and laughed and became closer and I kind of flirted with him a bit but I was uncertain if he liked me or not at that point. I barely looked at him, I was trying not to give away that I liked him.. I was afraid that it looked bad I was hopping in and out of relationships.. But I guess it didn't bother him.. we talked for 2 hours and we dropped him off at his house and I got his number from Ashley and we just instantly started texting, and flirting of course.. So I knew he began to like me, and I began to like him too. Then on November 9th, we had a sleepover at ashley's house.. Her parents were gone and somehow we all just ended up staying at her house.. I had work and was only an hour late! But it was still one of the best nights.. We watched stupid cheesy movies and ate pizza and got fat. We switched to TV and had to sit through all of these condom commercials and pregnancy and viagra, sex commercials.. it was very very awkward but we laughed each time by how awkward it was. And it we went to Walmart at like 12 at night and got monsters and ice cream.. Of course we had to be even more fat and not eat JUST pizza! :) but I spoon fed Alex ice cream, and I accidentally got some on his face and freaking laughed so hard, I felt bad but we made a joke later that I should have just licked it off for him. Ashley fell asleep at about 3am maybe? She kept waking up though when the dogs barked or alarms went off. So me and alex just laid apart facing eachother on the couch and held hands all night and talked about our lives, talked about our families and likes and dislikes and past relationships and how we felt about eachother, etc. I kept looking at him, just wanting to kiss him.. but I resisted, I knew we were just considered "friends" but I kissed his hands and his forehead, just as a simple gesture I guess. We didn't sleep at all. and got up at 7:30 to take Ashley's dogs to the kennel. Then we went and got (shocker) MORE FOOD. and He like hugged me from behind in Starbucks and made my heart just tighten, it was so cute of him and just made me smile completely. He wasn't afraid to be with me, He wanted me and thought I was beautiful even without makeup. That's a first. He doesn't know my past yet honestly, and I know he will eventually, Scars are hard to hide. But I hope that maybe he will accept it in stride. (I know this is getting into a super long post) Anyways. So I dropped him off at home saturday morning, and missed him all day and sunday too.. And then on Monday 11/12/12, Ashley's guy she has been interested in for 11 weeks finally asked her out. and I thought wow, how cool their month anniversary is 12/12/12 and then their year is 11/12/13, and I have always LOVED repeating dates so I told her this. and I suppose she told Alex.. and she hinted at me that by the end of the day we'd be twinsies. so I of course I realized he was going to ask me out.. I started mood swinging at about 3rd period though.. and He texted me after school asking if he could call me.. I just said no, I was busy driving home.. I was depressed and crying for no reason (I call PMDD on this one), and I just didn't want him to ask me out or be with him at all.. but I finally got out of my mood swing at about 6p.m. and he asked if he could call me, and of course I said sure.. and he called and said "You know I want to be a couple soo.. will you be my girlfriend?" and I was like "Yes!" so we were official in that moment.. and we kept talking for a bit, mostly just to listen to me do my algebra work haha.. that I fail at. So that's where we're at right now. Happy.. but worried..and terrified that he will realize I'm not as great as he thinks I am.. that I'm actually ugly and not beautiful at all... Hopefully he'll never come to that realization.. but I know that someday he will.. Just let me be happy for a little bit, thats all I want.. and then you can take it away...

Just Sometimes

Just Sometimes,

It's one of those nights again.. yeah THOSE nights. Where you just want to stop living, stop breathing, disappear in the blink of an eye and you know that nobody would really notice. Where you just feel like you are right in the middle of the room but everybody's eyes just kind of go right through you as if you aren't even there.. You feel so useless and so broken and so hopeless that you continually wonder when this is ever going to get better. Has it gotten any better at all in the past year? It makes you question every single step of process that you believe you have made...It makes you think that you have just gone completely back to square one.. until you wake up in the morning I guess and then will it be all gone? Some days it is .. some days it lingers with me throughout the day. A storm cloud that just constantly drenches every single one of your thoughts with self doubt and pity and misery.. a rain cloud you can't escape from under... maybe you'll share a smile with a friend and you can dry yourself off for a few minutes but then maybe the slightest text or the drop of a pen will set you back off and the down pour comes back and you are drenched and freezing and shivering once again.. and you come home and nobody sees the sadness in your eyes. Everybody walks past you, gives you a side hug and says welcome home as you are just expected to go on with your life. Nobody sees the way your glance lingers on your own wrist, imaging the way that you could cut it or the way your eyes drift off into space, considering all the possibilities that you could simply end your life.. but I.. I think of the consequences too. I know what it's like to fail a suicide attempt and trust me I don't ever want to fail again.. and it would take some serious planning to not fail again... But when is ever the right time? Like honestly.. I make these plans.. I have them all into action, but then something great happens in your life or you're waiting for a movie.. or a text back or something and you're like jeez.. theres no good time to end your life.. I suppose it has to be a now or never moment right? Theres no exact plan I could ever just follow and go through with to a tee.. because I will always find a reason to stay alive, for another minute, another day, another week, another month. As much as I want to see myself graduate and be something in life I will never see it. I'm not saying that I KNOW I will kill myself..  I'm just saying that I know the clock is ticking, what does it want from me? what is it asking me to do? and when will it strike? I'm not sure if it's telling me that a mental break down is coming soon or if it's my death from some natural incident or something.. I have no idea. I need some answers... it's like that annoying ticking in the back of your mind.. tick.. tock.. tick.. tock.. telling you it's time to go, but you have no clue what you're being asked to do or go to.. Is it a form of god? I don't think so.. I think it's just myself being insane. some new form of psychotic behavior? lucky me. Hah. Just kidding. I don't know.. I should maybe write my suicide letter some day.. or would someone find my blog some day and show my parents? and they'll read it and probably understand so much and they'll fill in all the blanks that they've been missing all along.. or they won't understand my words at all and they'll be even more lost.. who knows..  

Considering Events

Considering Events,

This week.. has been, I don't know, maybe just full of ups and downs? Officially back to single.. the guilt was eating me alive and I couldn't stand to lead on two people but subconsciously pushing my own boyfriend away, he didn't deserve that.. but I know the break up hurt him.. but I think it would be worse if I kept lying to him because he knew I was pushing him away, I can't hide my feelings or emotions very well. I wish I could just tell him everything.. and tell him every lie I have made up to cover up my dark past.. but I can't.. I don't know if I will ever be 100% honest with another person again.. It's like you just kind of want to move on and never relive those moments again so why would you bring them back up to somebody new? Doesn't everybody just want to start fresh with a new person in their life? somebody who DOESN'T know your mistakes or even your accomplishments.. That's why I want to leave and get away so bad.. I just want to start over and I shouldn't have to talk about my past if I truly don't want to.. I know it matters because it's where my problems come from but do you need to know EVERYTHING...?! I feel gross if I go into details about my depression or cutting or sex or anything because it makes me just look worse and worse of a person.. I hate that I'm "experienced" or that I've had a rough past and still a rough present.. it just makes me look like a weak whore who doesn't know how to control herself.. but people change.. and I know that. But some days it's harder than others to just stay on the right track and keep going forward in my life. I know I have no reason to be depressed or upset or stressed or worried but that just kind of happens.. I never truly come to a relaxation point in my life.. it's very very rare.. I just contribute it to the PMDD and I guess maybe I will never be happy.. I did more research on it last night just as a refresher almost and I read that it actually gets WORSE with age.. Lucky me, right? Wrong.. If I can barely handle my mood swings as a teenager, I'm worried that they will only be magnified and if my boyfriend couldn't handle my mood swings, how would a husband be able to handle them if they are even worse? And here I am again worrying about trivial things. I don't even know if I will live past tomorrow, let alone next year.. why do I waste my time on the future? And more importantly why am I not thinking about colleges like I should be? or doing my midterm reviews like I should be? or being a part of my family and watching the tv show like I should be? I don't know.. I don't expect that I will ever do anything right in my mind.. I am too good at messing up. and I'm too used to being a failure that being a "good" person would be.. confusing?.. I'm not sure.. I am a bad person. I know it, and I wish people wouldn't try to argue against that.. a good person does NOT do the things that I have done or said or been through.. no.. I should be alone.. because nobody deserves this. nobody deserves a piece of trash who has been swept under the rug and in the dark for so long.. I crave attention and love and affection but I honestly don't deserve it. Not for the terrible person I've been all of my life. I wish I knew where I went wrong in my life.. if there had been a choice that if I made differently, EVERYTHING would have been different.. crazy to think about all the choices I've made and the consequences and joys that have came with each one? Things to think about for the weekend.. I need to really mediate and find a piece of calm in my life for once. 

Stressing Out

Stressing Out,

But I know that I will be.

bloggy blog blog time right after school. haha.. I don't really know what the fuck is going on with my life anymore right now honestly. I tried to break up with my boyfriend.. it didn't end up happening... I feel too guilty.. like I'm giving up on him if I end it? but I'm not happy.. aren't you supposed to leave when you aren't happy? I don't know what to do. I'm back in that phase of my life where every question I get asked is I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't knowwwwwww!!!! I'm not sure what I want or what I deserve or what I should have or any of that.. It's just too complicated and my words aren't even making sense anymore haha.. Is it weird that I have been contemplating suicide again? A plan to make it happen.. I don't really know why or when I started or what would happen if I failed.. nor have I told anyone.. except now.. to the SO MANY PEOPLE THAT READ MY BLOG.. kidding.. nobody reads this except me :) kinda.. sorta.. I honestly don't know what to write anymore. This week is exam week and I'm stressed but I finally dropped my hospitality class today, thank god. I'm going to miss the people in a way but I know that it was not what I wanted to do and I didn't want to stay in it from day one.. SAT/ACT prep and keyboarding class is what I replaced it with.. and then I got back in my medical classes for the spring..yay.. I really hope I can meet some new cool people in that class. that'd be nice.. or in these two new classes I go into on monday.. hopefully I don't have anyone I hate in them either lol cause that'd be awkward and annoying.. I just wanted some blow off classes but I doubt it'll be that way.. I had the option for teen leadership, maybe I should have taken it? I guess it's too late now.. and I'll see how it goes. I'm kind of pushing everyone away in a sense.. I don't want to text anyone back but I end up doing it anyways.. I wish I could just ditch my phone and never have to talk to anybody every again but I know that in the end I would just get very very lonely and I mean I don't really know what there is to complain  about.. everything in my life is going so much better. a sweet boyfriend, awesome friends, car, job, money, everything but at the same time it's like fuck this is not what I want at all. maybe I'm so used to sadness that I can't accept the fact that I'm supposed to be happy now.. I don't know.. It's crazy looking back a year from now and seeing where I have come and what I have fallen back into and is still the same and blahhh. my boyfriend wanted to know who I really was.. but I don't even know who I really am.. I got all of my personality from the people I hang out with.. and I've changed so much because I was forced to that I'm not even sure who I really am deep down.. I'm a terrible person I know that.. selfish.. greedy.. bitchy.. snobby... whore.. fat... disgusting.. but nobody sees that.. because I'm too nice.. too skinny or whatever.. I don't know how I have such a good mask or if I will ever lose that mask. or if its even a mask at all? I could be an amazing person.. but I don't know.. something deep down tells me I'm not.. I've made the wrong choices several times and you cant ever go back and re-make those decisions.. because once its done its done... Time to go download music now I guess.. fuck... 

Racing Thoughts

Racing Thoughts,

So It's crazy how I can't have one day without stressing atleast once.. and today I have been stressing a LOT. I've been trying to force myself to paint and its making my paintings come out bad.. ugh! I need to slow down and get inspired first because thats when I paint the best.. I have trashed two paintings already and it's terrible.. I hate wasting money and time like that. But anyways, I still have a boyfriend.. but I'm starting to not be able to stand him.. I really really really like him don't get me wrong but I can't handle his depression.. I can't STAND him when he's depressed.. he's insecure and uncertain and it drives me insane.. I used to be like that and I know what it's like to reject all advice and love and push everyone away.. but why am I not enough to make him happy? Why am I not enough for him? Will I ever be enough for anyone? I like him.. but a guy from my work added my on facebook a few nights ago and we've been talking and he picked me up last night and we went hot tubbing till 12am.. it was the MOST relaxed I have been in a long time.. we just talked and talked and talked and watched lightning and his mom was so sweet but seemed so nervous around me haha.. he said its because he brings over a lot of girls (ew :/) but he started wanting to cuddle and kiss me by the end of it and I had to kind of turn him down.. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend... but I was NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend.. he doesn't deserve that and I need to learn to be dedicated and faithful to one person.. but yeah.. after he dropped me back home like all of this shit and weight just fell back onto my shoulder and i literally felt it in my entire being.. I was back to being stressed and returned back to life basically I guess? but it was nice to just have those hours to kind of be with a new person who wasn't depressed and had a nice life and a nice house and so now I begin to doubt my feelings for my boyfriend.. I mean.. I could have so much better.. I could have a guy who didn't have any problems.. who I had things in common.. who lives MUCH closer... I mean I don't know if he has any issues yet but still.. from what I've seen I don't believe that he has any but who knows, he could be great at hiding them.. I always attract the bad guys -.-.. and of course he said my voice was cute.. I don't know why every guy says that! ugh! frustrating haha my voice is way too girly for my own good. but yeah fuck I am so stressed out with school and all of this feeling and emotional shit.. I don't think I will ever fall in love again.. No guy seems right for me... I don't feel like I truly connect with anyone anymore.. School is hard to pay attention to with all this relationship stuff and work too honestly.. I have a 77 in english 3... terrible.. terrible.. terrible... I feel like my life is like waves.. going up and down and up and down and I'm getting sea sick.. On the bright side of everything though my weight loss is going fabulous and im at my lowest weight :) 154.5 today! hopefully can get to 145 by the end of this diet and then I seriously need to start working out and get some muscles -.- especially my arms and abs.. my legs arent that bad. but yeah thats all I have to say today I guess. I mean I have a million thoughts and could go on forever but future me does NOT want to have to read all of that. ;) 

Making Amends

Making Amends, 

I know it's been a while since I've been on here. A lot has changed since then honestly.. A lot of good and a lot of bad. But my ex and me made amends.. He is allowed to talk to me again and we talked for about a week and he was close to ending his engagement, because he hates her family but they ended up staying together.. and then me and him just kind of stopped talking.. not in bad terms I guess, just both have different lives and I'm so glad that I am coming to accept that and I don't feel so broken inside. I feel like I am healing those little cracks all across my glass mirror one by one and soon I won't look so damaged nor will I feel like it. School has started now.. I was so excited for medical classes.. and I rocked them for the few days that I was in them.. I met this amazing guy.. but about the fourth day into the class I began to doubt my abilities and just wanted to settle in a career that I felt like I was smart enough to do.. culinary.. well the day that I switched my schedule, I got this cute guys number ;) we had been kind of crushing on eachother but never really talked.. but I told him I was leaving the class and he jumped on it to get my phone number hah. Well I don't want to jump ahead of myself I guess but it was the worst mistake of my life to get out of my medical classes. I was perfectly happy in them and just made a quick one night choice and changed into a hospitality class that I hate.. I mean we visit a hotel 3 days a week and I get to work in the kitchen but I miss medical classes.. and that guy.. he's now my boyfriend as of today!!!! (:  Anyways.. trying not to jump ahead.. I keep looking back and regretting switching out of the class but I tried over and over again to talk to the counselor about switching me back in and she couldn't do it due to the policy.. bs, whatever. So I'm stuck in it until October 26th.. I can live.. Anyways.. I'm doing sucky in school... 79 in English.. I feel like a failure honestly.. but I'm trying.. I just suck at writing.. I will never be able to put my thoughts into words very well.. and I sure as hell can't write about crap I don't care about.. It feels like everything is falling together and apart at the same time.. Me and him dated for 5 weeks before we made it official today.. he makes me really really happy. and I'm so glad.. but I know my parents will never approve of him.. I wish they would but honestly I just want to be happy in this moment.. thats all that matters.. I wish he lived closer too.. a 35 minute drive makes things kind of complicated but I've seen him 3 weeks in a row now.. We hung out today and I drove him home.. and I was leaving his house when I hit my tires against the curb of the street I was on going 40 miles per hour.. and there was a gap in the concrete that slashed both of my left side tires.. so I got to stand in the freezing cold for an hour watching my dad fix it and getting pissed off.. Of course my parents were mad that I didn't tell them I was dropping him off but I didn't think they needed to know.. but yeah.. temporary tires and getting new ones tomorrow. OH. I got my first job.. at Domino's.. I love it a lot haha. but I haven't gotten a single pay check yet and I'm already in debt several hundreds of dollars... Forgot to mention I got a speeding ticket.. doing 35 in a 20 school zone.. happened last week sometime.. My court date is on November 1st.. Do you see what I mean about the good and the bad has happened? Yeah.. I feel so much more mature though.. I'm accepting all of this shit in my life and just going with it and trying to not let it bring me down.. It's a good feeling.. I kind of accept it as karma I guess for sneaking around and doing all the shit I've done.. Oh and there was lots of drama with my family a few weeks ago.. but thats a story for another time since this blog post is so freaking long.. Just had so much to say.. I really need to start writing more, it helps me see what I've accomplished and if I'm changing at all.. I'm pretty sure I am. now time to go apologize to an old friend.. 

Utterly Trapped

Utterly Trapped,

Honestly that is all I feel right now.. Trapped. I have this guy that wants to give me the world and I won't take that offer. I can't tell him I love him, I can barely tell him I like him.. because I have this hope that I will be with my ex and even I know deep down that it won't happen but that hope it never goes away.. He is perfectly happy with his fiance.. planning on studying architecture and going to community college and then CSU.. and I'm happy he knows his future, I want nothing but the best for him but I can't lose that one shred of hope and it's fucking killing me.. I want to be his future. I want to be his wife. I want to have kids with him. I want to get matching tattoos so everyone else knows we are eachothers.. and he can't even stand to have a simple chat with me. He's even here in Texas visiting till Sunday and we haven't spoken to eachother... Sometimes I wonder what she has that I don't but then I just remember that she's skinnier, prettier, probably sweeter, everything I'm not.. and I can't compete with that and who the hell would want me? Nobody.. and I hope nobody ever wants me because I rather be alone than to pretend to love someone that I don't fully 100% love and I just don't know if I will ever feel this way about someone else again.. and that is so scary.. I don't see a future with anyone else.. and hell I don't even see a future at all.. All I can see is just blank.. and last night was so scary. too many things happened and it was the worst I've ever felt.. I had to leave my friends house because I just wanted to be alone (Got my license btw yay!) and just ended up breaking down and crying for hours and couldn't stop and just had to pour my heart to anyone who asked and nights like those make me question if I ever changed at all.. but I know I have.. and I don't know why I got pulled down so easily.. I guess it's just the fact that I was texting my ex from my friends phone and I asked if his fiance was pregnant (he thought it was my friend texting him) and he said "haha no shes not alyssa" and that really hurt.. one because thats a slap to the face.. I never intentionally tried to get pregnant with him but he thinks I did.. but I did want a family with him because I loved him so much and if thats such a crime well then I am a terrible person.. and second because I can't even have kids naturally.. if I ever want to get pregnant I'd have to go through pregnancy hormones with a doctor and crap and it makes me feel like so much less of a woman because of that.. I mean I was born as a female and females are supposed to be able to reproduce and I can't.. well I mean I can just not without help and that reallllllyyyyyyyyyy sucks.. he doesn't even know that about me because I found out like a month or two ago (though I had a hunch after the second time of having sex with him). I wonder why I just can't put A and B together.. that he doesn't love me and will never love me again.. I feel alone as ever honestly.. I have a car and a license now and I should be going out and seeing friends and being a fun teenager but all I want to do is lock my bedroom door, turn off all the lights and sit on the floor and be alone.. I don't ever want to eat again or drink again or get up again or anything.. just be alone, quiet and simple and stay like that for the rest of my life.. sigh.. I just don't.. know.. and I don't know if I will ever truly know. I don't even know the question anymore honestly. but I do know that I never want to fall in love again.. and I have spent this last year building up the tallest fucking brick wall of my life to make sure I never get hurt again.. but for my ex I would tear it all down if he would ever come back to me.. but he won't.. Why would he come back to me? He wouldn't.

Only You

Only You,

Tonight.. has been sad. not sad in the sense that anything new happened just sad.. I can't shake off my feelings of being alone.. I've been talking to a new guy and he drove an hour and a half tonight to hang out with me and I blew him off.. stopped texting him, didn't answer his calls, anything.. and yes he is pissed but I can't help it.. how could I possibly tell him what I'm going through? I'm sad and lonely and depressed and ruined and broken and how could anyone ever possibly love me? How could I ever possibly love anybody else? I don't get that soul connection with anybody else.. and how do I know that the next person I date won't tear my heart to pieces again? I don't think I could handle that.. so I just give up. I surrender to being single because I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be loved, I don't want your time wasted on me because nobody else but him will be enough.. nobody will ever live up.. nobody can compete and I don't want to let anybody try.. I know he wasn't the perfect guy to me but you know what he damn well was everything that I wanted.. doesn't matter that we fought, that we said harsh words to eachother, at the end of the night we loved eachother and couldn't stand to fight or be mad at eachother for longer than a day. and I'm crying now but it's needed.. I'm so fucking alone. and I have been for a ENTIRE YEAR plus 4 days.. I know other people have been single for longer but I'm still heartbroken.. I feel as in love with him that I was the day he had to leave my birthday party early.. I still remember that moment perfectly.. I held him and cried and told him I didn't want him to go.. because maybe I knew it would be the last time.. I don't know.. but he just hugged me so tightly and told me that he didn't want to cry too but that he loved me so much and that we'd be together. and I kissed him so much.. and his mom asked him if he was ready and he just looked at me so sadly.. and kissed me one last time softly and went out the door and I just broke down and bawled my eyes out.. it was like watching the love of my life walk out of my life.. because thats exactly what it was.. He said he cried as he was leaving.. I believe him.. it was such a moving moment in my life.. life-changing.. and I knew the next time I saw him nothing would be the same.. and it wasn't. we were friends.. we didn't act like a couple at all. but I was so sad just glancing at him.. knowing that he used to be mine and that he should still be mine.. but I let him lay his head in my lap and just gently stroked his hair.. and it seriously meant the world to me.. I don't think it meant the same thing to him but it was.. so.. nice.. it felt like we were dating again.. and I know i've talked about this before.. but I can't help but relive it.. happier times are so much better to think about and cry about than to dwell on how sad I am now and how troubled I am and how alone I am.. I rather pretend that me and him will be together again than to know deep in my heart that he will never love me.. because honestly who wants to think about that? I really don't.. and I don't think I could handle dwelling on that for that long because that is the shove that would push me off the edge.. and OMG, just look at me now.. fucking ruining every and any relationship a guy tries to create with me because even though I'm lonely and alone.. I want to stay alone... I don't want a guy in my life trying to fill that void that I know can never be filled by anyone else.. and he'd ask me about my ex and try to compare himself to him and I'd have to nod and pretend that he is better but no.. deep in my heart my ex is the best at everything.. no kisses could be better, no sex could be better, no hugs could be better, no fights could be better, no phone calls could be better.. and nobody could hurt me better than he can. damnit. please come back to me. I love you so much it kills me.

Cracking Judgement

Cracking Judgement,

Yay. Random blog rant time like always, hey guys. haha. Uhm well I think it's typical to say that I haven't been having the time of my life or anything because that never happens. I've been just let down and let down and let down again over and over and over again I swear.. I'm so sick of people letting me down and just.. ugh. It's very disappointing. and I'm sick of my parents being SO judgemental.. A few things have happened, I don't know where to start. But I guess lets start with whatever I feel like. I miss my best friend like crazy, it makes me so sad but shes coming back soon I'm pretty sure.. I hate that she doesnt get to see her dad alot but I also hate that shes gone for so long because I mean.. it's like missing a piece of yourself.. I don't have that much fun with anyone else regardless of what we're doing. we can laugh about anything and i just miss that. haven't had that in a month.. maybe thats why my moods are so jacked and crappy and everything.. who knows. I'm just SO ready to not be so pissed off at everyone and everything as soon as I talk to anyone lol I'm just like so touchy and I'm getting pissed at every little thing and I know I'm doing it but I swear I can't help it and you know what I think everyone that knows me knows that my moods are like WOOOOHOOO PARTTYYY lets change frequently and give me headaches like mad. I swear I go from happy to crying to angry to severly depressed to laughing to angry and just omg its a rollercoaster all the time. I thought it would stop after I got my period but no it got worse and it came with the worst cramps of my life, that has NEVER happened before. eghhh. OKAY so moving on.. yesterday err i guess two days ago, me and my parents were out camping and having dinner and they started calling my ex a dyke and a homosexual and that I never knew what love was because I didn't have enough "Life experience" and that when I'm older I will look back on my feelings now and know that they weren't real.. like holy crap BULL to the shit. they don't know all the pain I have gone through and how dedicated I am to this boy. I think they think that I'm still a little bit sad,  I don't think they know the real extent because I don't show it to anyone except my closest friends.. so they could never possibly understand but back to the story, i got REALLY pissed because I love him and I'm going to always defend him and I said NO he was not a fucking lesbian homosexual whatever, and I went off on a huge rant (this is not a huge suprise) and told my parents that they seriously needed to get with the new age because they are so stuck up and judgemental and its fucking sad and makes me mad... they don't think that tattoos or piercings or being gay/lesbian is acceptable and these day in age and I'm like omg.. it's VERY VERY VERY normal and perfectly acceptable so you guys are going to have a lot of trouble in life from now on if thats how you feel and think.. and they were all blah blah you will see the wrong in it eventually.. and they kept just trying to tell me that they supported me going to college but that I wasn't right for the medical field and that I had never experienced death first hand and that it would change me.. yeah I've been on the verge of death I think I can handle it. But when we were done with dinner my mom got really upset when I told them that they needed to change their thinking and GUILT-TRIPPED me completely and told me that atleast she loved HER mom even if i didn't love mine. I was like yeah mom.. whatever.. get over yourself, you know I love about you and care about you, but I think you're dead fucking wrong in your views. I'm straight as a stick but there is nothing wrong with gay, bi, lez, straight, any of that... Very very sad that there are still people like that in this world. It makes me sad. I'm glad our generation is much more open-minded and accepting. Hopefully when the older generations die out we can thrive. I didn't know how much I typed already but dang look at that.. I'll stop here now but seriously.. no.. I hate people.. don't bullshit around with me like that and force your beliefs down my throat and cancel plans on me like most people do and blahhhhh. so ready to quit I swear. I keep living on strong though I guess. For him.. always for him <3 

Nobody Home

Nobody Home,

I don't know why I stay up at night and look at your photos, your statuses from when we were dating, everything... I'm only disappointed by them.. I wish we had more photos take together, I wish I had more memories of you, of our love, but I don't and I never will. I'm alone. I will be alone for a long time. And that's just how it is. I'm wishing to just get my act together and suck it up and accept being alone, I don't want to hang any guys.. thats just leading them on only to get their hopes crushed. I just want to sit in my room, alone.. because that's what I deserve... and everytime that I desperately need a hug, nobody is here to give it to me.. and I don't want to show weakness to anybody.. because everyone just assumes the worse, and assumes that they can fix it with a pep talk and a few hugs but that doesn't fix it.. it gets the stress off letting others know that I'm upset but it really doesn't change anything.. It never honestly will until I get to actually sit next to HIM and tell HIM my story. I'm such a bad person honestly I swear.. I became everything I said I would never become.. and now if anyone ever wants to be in a relationship I have to say "oh yeah I have a history of cheating and breaking hearts and becoming obsessive over my ex" yeah thats great, I bet the guys would just swarm over me mmm. But now this girl is hitting on me and I don't know why girls hit on me, I don't know why everyone tells me to just become lesbian, yeah that will fix so much.. and no, even if I did want to I couldn't.. I don't find girls attractive like that and will never be happy like that.. thats like someone telling me to become christian.. I've been atheist/agnostic for so long that it.. wouldn't feel right, It's not something I can truly believe in and feel comfortable with making the switch.. and being a christian is having solid faith and yeah I don't have that, there are too many gaps.. plus I'm too much of a fuck-up lol you know how many sins I would have to repent for or whatever? I just dunno... This is not how I wanted my life to go, you know? I've had it planned out for so long now and I swear everything just fucking goes completely the whole opposite way. I wanted children, I'm infertile. I wanted a long happy relationship, I'm single and brokenhearted after a year. I wanted a happy family who loves me, We all fight. I wanted friends who were always there for me, Nobody is there for me when I need it. I wanted to ace school, I barely get by. I wanted to be beautiful, I'm just as ugly as I ever was. Oh.. I read a comment somebody wrote on your page.. "so glad you got a pretty girlfriend now".. yeah thanks.. I'm ugly but fucking don't rub it in and don't compare me to her.. I'm nothing like her, maybe I'm worse or better I don't know but don't compare us.. I don't want to be compared to anyone actually because I fucking fail at everything.. I really hate this life. really really hate it. I don't know how everyone smiles so bright, maybe it's because they have a happy family, happy boyfriend, happy friends, I don't know. I wish I knew what that was like.. to be beautiful, in love and loved back, perfect family life, get everything I want, etc... It just.. blah. I know all I ever do is complain and I have it better than most but I can't find happiness. It really is just like.. not in my life at all. Yes I can smile but I can't keep that smile forever, it turns to tears sooner or later. I just love him so much, and maybe I'm delusional but him coming back to me would just make my life 10000000% better.. I would never complain about anything as long as he was my side.. 

Stuck Here

Stuck Here,

Well.. I'm tired and frustrated. I know it's time to move on, I can feel it in my heart.. It just takes forever to actually sink in that you don't want to talk to me, you don't want to see me, you don't want anything to do with me.. You've made that perfectly clear and I'm the idiot that just can't get it through her head.. I guess why it's so hard is that you are so wishy washy.. we hung out in march and we were perfect and had a good time with no problems and now all of sudden only 3 months later and you hate my guts? I didn't even do anything.. all I've been doing is busting my ass trying to be your friend.. and all you do is give me the cold shoulder and be a total asshole to me... why do I deserve that? I made a mistake and I admitted it and all you can do is trash me constantly for it even though it happened OVER A YEAR AGO!!!!!! You are quite the grudge holder I guess. I'm just absolutely so ready for someone great to walk into my life and carry me away from all this bullshit. I did meet someone new who I like, but haven't met in person.. and I don't know if we ever will since he's obviously not THAT interested if it hasn't happened by now.. we live like right down the street from eachother, literally. But yeah... My mom was talking about moving to Tennessee, and honestly I am ALL for it. I'm sick of my school that I don't fit in to at all, tired of this boring house that I can never decorate to my liking, tired of the same shit.. sitting around waiting for a guy that will never love me. Yeah it would be hard to move and have to be alone until i met new friends but it would just get me away from all of this.. I wouldn't have to sit around looking out my backyard, waiting for him to walk up to the fence and wave at me and let himself in like he used to.. because thats exactly what I did yesterday.. sat in the pool and waited.. knowing it was never going to happen but couldn't stop myself from waiting just because... I don't get it.. He admitted he still thinks of me sometimes, admitted that he still has feelings.. but not enough.. never will be enough.. I swear i'm having like a identity crisis, i'm so jumbled up inside and want to just sit and cry but can't find the energy to or atleast a good reason that I haven't cried about before, it's all the same.. but yeah.. moving.. I wish. but parents have jobs too.. and it's hard to just up and gather all your roots and move on... I guess maybe for college I will just apply all over the country and look at where accepts me.. I'm looking at California maybe, or somewhere cold.. No Idea. I guess I'm not afraid to go alone because I've been that way for a long time.. and this summer fucking sucks. I haven't hung out with ANYONE, I've been trapped at home.. stuck by the mercy of whoever feels like driving me somewhere.. yes I've had time to work on my art but when you're so sad inside, i think art is the last thing I really want to do.. I just want to call him so bad.. beg him to just come see me.. but I've resisted the urge.. I got so close to texting him just telling him I was done but you know I didn't send it, I don't want to bother him.. he needs to live his life away from me because thats what makes him happiest.. if he really wanted me back he would have been by my side a long time ago.. so it's basically over haha now lets just convince myself of this.. maybe some day.... OH! And not to mention that i freaking sat in the pool yesterday and stared at every flaw on my body and pointed them out and came to the conclusion that the only non-flawed place on my body is my collarbone and neck area, that's literally it.. everything else has stretchmarks, scars, too big, too wide, ugly, weird looking, etc.. yeah.. my self confidence = no existent... but that's not new.. it's just become more obvious now I guess. I feel as fat as I was before I started dieting and stuff... I know I'm not but I can't help but think I am.. I see how easy eating disorders are to fall in. bah... rant over for today I guess. 

Needing You

Needing You,

I need you to take my hand,
wish it all away
Take my pain and swallow it whole
tell me my sorrows
To make sure they never speak again
lock them away in a very far place
Kiss me so sweetly
like a sweet little bird
Promise me you will always stay
because you said you would
Look away from my wrongs
so you can only see the rights
Fear nothing from me
i'm really here to stay
Seek the answers
when i'm nothing but upset
Hold my hands
when there are no words to be spoken
Show me away from here
so far away until we get lost
Lead me like a blind child
for i will always follow you
Wipe away my tears from my face
as they slide down my cheeks
Whisper a melody
in my ears, so softly
Give my heart a break
because this is all illusion
Wish me away
all i do is disturb your peace
Never forget though
i was there for you.

Respect Boundaries

Respect Boundaries,

In tears, again.. but thats all I ever am usually when I talk to you.. I feel so useless and so obsessed and crazy and insane and pitiful and miserable and everything. You're visiting again soon and staying for a long time.. I texted you that you wanted to see me and you hadn't even had my number saved... and you told me to respect you and hers boundaries because seeing me was not good for their relationship.. and deep down I know all of this, I know that you shouldn't want to see me.. I know that i'm not worth seeing anyways. I just felt like trying, and I feel like just giving up because I'm tired of feeling so worthless, so broken and wasted and everything.. but as much as I want to.. I can't. Although the light of hope towards us getting back together is now for certain much dimmer.. I just can't push my fucking brain into being useful because my heart keeps screaming that everything hurts and that I still care.. How could I give up on him when he tried so hard and long to not give up on me? I just really can't stop crying. I want to get away and never look back, erase everything and never know what love is again and stay alone for the rest of my life.. that seems the easiest way. Seriously who ever invented dating or relationships?! can't we all just be born near our soul mate and be attracted to them instantly and never have to date or get heartbroken at all? Arghh or why can't there just be a magic potion or word or something to make the guy you're in love with in love with you back? Life is so confusing and I just am so ready to quit and get out and blahjaegihjaewtiojweiotjaewiogjoigjraiowgtjiogwoavwj. If only suicide were legal, I could just go to my doctor and tell him I was ready to go and they could inject a harmless shot into your arm and everything would just slowly fade to black and you'd never wake up again.. I think that would solve also a lot of unhappy peoples problems.. but could also let mass murderers get away and never suffer for their deeds but whatever... I just ugh. I can't type anymore, I'm too upset. Why can't you just love me? I've seriously done nothing but fucking worship the ground you walk on.. and all I NEED desperately NEED is for one serious sit down session to talk about all my feelings and let out all of this built up pain.. but you won't even give me that. Fuck. 

Give Reasons

Give Reasons,

Long time no blogging, but yeah. Things have changed, and its sad to say that nothing has gone the way I truly wanted it to. Yes I've talked to you, but now you don't even want to talk to me.. even when you are allowed to. You called me "extremely manipulative" because I'm supposedly "forcing" you to talk to me... All I do is text you and say hi every now and then, is that so much? Is it SO hard to just act like you can fucking accept me as a friend and carry a conversation with me and not have to bring up the past and how much I hurt you and how you'll never get over it and how I've hurt you 3x as much as blah blah blah. I think I've hurt myself plenty of times fucking over then I hurt you, you didn't have to live with this heart break for 11 months like I have, you've had time to get over it and you easily replaced me like I was nothing to you.. and maybe I never was I don't even know, all you ever say anymore is reasons why the whole relationship was fake.. like how you fell in love with me ONLY because I looked like your ex. I don't think you know how much that makes me feel like shit.. that if you would have never dated her, neither would I have dated you because my personality or individual looks weren't enough for you apparently... and I regret ever believing that you thought I was beautiful, that you ever loved me, you never did, you just lied and lied and lied to make me happy. I knew I wasn't beautiful like you said. You said even if i was 400 pounds you'd still love me and think of me as beautiful, yeah bullshit. I love you still but I'm pissed and angry and upset! I just want to talk to you and I've done NOTHING but care for you and try to be there for you as much as possible and all you do is shove me away and tell me why I'm not good enough for you and how we'll never be together. I feel so useless and sometimes suicide seems like such a damn good option again because why should I be here wasting time and space and money and life when I can't even function without my soul mate? I can't live without him and it just fucking drives me insane. I don't even know WHY I still have this feeling that the reason he doesn't want to see me is because he still likes me, it's obvious he doesn't but I don't even know him anymore, he's changed and now I barely see glances of the old him anymore. But when we did talk on the phone, we could still laugh about the small things and fill each other in on whats going on in life when we weren't talking about the painful past.. why did he accept the past until SHE found out we were talking? I don't know and it just drives me insane and makes me question and cry and everything. I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was texting you the other day, you make me feel like such a dissapointment to you and my life is a failure and everything. I really can't live this down can I? You say you forgive me but you won't forget.. You shouldn't be pissed if you forgive.. you should just accept, I can't go back in the fucking past and change anything.. you've healed from it or so you say... I don't know why I still expect you to talk to me though.. I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either if I was in your position but atleast you could give me a friendly hey whats up text every now and then so you aren't just flat out ignoring me.. You know I'm crazy about you and you wouldn't even give me the time of day if I asked. I don't know what the fuck is going on that I am so attached to you but I wish whatever super power magic whatever it is, to go away because you keep telling me it's never going to happen, we're never going to work out but why do i get this feeling that it is?! that this is just a huge long bump in the road of our relationship.. I don't knowwwwwwwww ahhhhhhhhh. I just want to like chain you down on the floor and make you sit and talk to me and tell me the reasons you've been hiding from me, I know you admit that you fell in love but.. I went back through 9,000 facebook messages and you said that you were IN love with me and that it would never change... Did I screw up that much to change that NEVER to irreversibly never in love again? We weren't even dating.. it shouldn't have been considered cheating because it wasn't. You had been seeing other girls, you wanted an open relationship, I don't understand this bullshit! Thats why I want to sit and talk to you. For as long as possible that you can give me. please. please. please. begging doesn't do anything for you.. does it?

Never Whole

Never Whole,

Why do people tell me that it's all going to be okay? I know it isn't.. and I don't ever think it will be.. So please just don't lie to me, don't tell me that everything is going to work out in the end. Don't tell me that I will fall in love again, because the truth is.. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to ever feel this way again, and relationships can end so quickly and spiral out of control and you know.. I just don't think I could go through heart break another time. I'm already scared now... just thinking today and looking through photos to use for my blog... I started thinking.. you know.. if you were to die for whatever reason.. a car crash, murdered, suicide, anything.. I don't think I could possibly go on without you. And that is scary... that I care that much.. that I wouldn't even want to live knowing you weren't on this earth anymore. I must be 100% crazy, right? Or just crazy in love.. I don't know. I wish I had life figured out, I wish I knew what was going to happen, and I wish I knew what she has that she doesn't.. what can she give that I can't? I can only keep thinking about what I've done wrong.. and what I could have done better.. There is just so much.. but I don't know.. I don't know what you think anymore and I don't know what you feel anymore. It sucks.. I don't know if I should keep hoping for you to realize I'm here or to just let go and turn my back on you even if you were to come back to me.. I don't think I could ever do that. I love you too much and I care too much and that's never going to change. I really hate looking at your facebook though.. any new photo you add of you with her breaks my heart a little more.. I just don't know.. I'm terrified to even start dating or fake put my status as in a relationship.. I don't know what you'd think... It could go both ways seriously.. you could be happy for me and congratulate me and tell me that you're glad I moved on.. or you could get jealous and tell me that I shouldn't be dating and that we should be together, etc, etc. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just want to be alone for a long time I guess.. My thoughts aren't changing at all. I'm still stuck on you, completely and worse than ever. Everywhere in my house that me and you have been or everything that you and me have done together, just reminds me if I ever go there or do that action again.. Everything is a constant reminder and it just rips me apart inside. I don't think I'm ever going to be whole again.. even if I did manage to fall in love again, my feelings aren't going to change.. I'm never going to be 100% in love with another person again.. the closest would be 99.9% and even that seems too high. I am broken, and you aren't here to fix me. Funny how the world works.. right? I guess right now I'm just waiting till the first day of summer.. and until you visit Texas.. I won't let you get on that plane to go home until you have spoken to me face to face privately.. It just HAS to happen.. I don't care what your "fiancee" says.. I don't care what anyone else says.. I need this. I need to hear your words face to face, I need to see your face and know that you aren't lying to me when you say you aren't interested.. Then after that I feel like I would have closure. Thats all I need .. is closure. To know that the spark is still there or that it's completely over for you. But I have to be damn good at convincing.. Sigh.. I have time I guess.. just get through april, and may and then go in for the kill. I wish myself luck.

Everybody Heals

Everybody Heals,

It has been such a long time since I've written here. Well first off, you're still ignoring me.. I tried texting you and you didn't even reply. I tried to work out an agreement, nothing.. not a single word from you. I really like how much you care about me, it just makes my self-confidence sky high... NOT. Anyways. I got asked out by this guy, but you know all this time I've been just wanting to date, to not be so alone.. and it turns out that its not that way at all. I would rather be alone than have anybody other than you, and thats the honest truth. and It's scary.. I just feel like such a terrible person. I'm stuck living in the past, everybody else is moving forward. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere without you. You live your life happily everyday and I don't even think you spare one thought for me.. You don't even think about how much pain I have to live with. Afterall, it isn't your problem anymore.. right? It's just my own problem. And it's funny how I'm stuck with this "problem" and you're the only person who could fix it. But I can't just say that.. can I? You would think I'm crazy.. but honestly.. I just need to sit and speak with you, alone. nobody else. what I HAVE been wanting to do for a long time. But obviously.. I don't deserve your time, I don't deserve a text back or anything.. and that's how it has been. Just being flat out blank ignored. It hurts. a lot. I started my diet today.. and I just sat in the shower and looked at myself while washing and just thought.. you know whats the point of losing weight? I'm always going to be ugly, and nothing is going to change that.. no matter how skinny I am, the scars of not ever going to go away, the stretch marks will never disappear, nobody is ever going to love me.. so whats the point?.. and I still don't know. Honestly I don't even know why I survived my suicide attempts. I would have much rather died than had gone through all of this pain, tears, death, sickness, lies.. it would have been better if I hadn't had made it.. But I did.. and I lived.. just to see us break up? Fucking great... Yes I grew as a stronger person.. but if I had the chance to go back and NOT get better and still be with you, I'm pretty sure I would have chose it. Being depressed but in love was better than being extremely lonely/heartbroken and in a somewhat sane sort of mind. I just feel like nothing is going anywhere. Nothing is looking up, nothing is looking down. Well, I guess it's sort of down.. I got what I was asking for, I wanted a boyfriend, and I turned it down. Partly because I really wasn't interested in him because he's really clingy and obsessive and partly because I am not emotionally ready to date. And yeah you'd think after 9 months of being single and having time to get over the break up, I'd be ready but I'm not.. and I guess I already knew that deep down but my "hypothesis" finally got tested and yeah, I was right. I don't know when I'm going to be ready.. if I ever will be. I suppose everybody heals at their own rate.. but damn. Am I ever going to fall in love again? Is it ever going to be the same? Am I ever going to be truly happy with the person that I date and/or marry? Or will I only ever be satisfied if I'm with you? I just don't know. I really wish I knew. I'm just so ready to leave. To just pack a bag, and leave... Forget everything, forget everyone, start over brand new, invent surgery that removes all skin issues and become famous and make something with my life. But we can only dream so much.. right? I wouldn't even know the first step into making something that amazing... a procedure that can remove anything... and give you brand new skin.. no more stretch marks, no more acne, no more scars, no more unsightly moles or freckles, etc... Yeah I'd be rich haha. Anyways... I guess that's all.

Leaving Marks

Leaving Marks,

I can't take any credit for this piece of writing below, but I want to try and share with this with as many people as possible that have ever thought of suicide or attempted it or known someone who committed it, etc. This really and truly made me cry and spoke to me in so many ways.

You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna look down on yourself even more forever. You’re just going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until tomorrow. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera out, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope… you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan and the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. “Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, and tell my siblings the same. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your hand. You clicked the off button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore… but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only thinks of you as friends. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knows you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do when they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They get worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little brother comes up after her. He screams “DADDY HELP!!!!” He runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up. You’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries…. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words “My daughter committed suicide” out of his mouth. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your dad’s arms, crying harder than ever. She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. You’re dead. There is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off the ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go… just like that. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Nothing is the same. Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat… like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. The boy that tripped you by accident and didn’t say sorry, yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. The teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. 4 years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. “Secrets” is what he calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so “happy” and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, it hit your limits. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared. We loved you, and no matter what, we will still always love you.

Say Anything

Say Anything, 

Do you ever have one of those days,
One of those days where you don't want to exist, don't want to be alive?
Today is one of those days, and every time these days come, I swear they get worse and worse.
I constantly feel like breaking down and screaming at everyone who is upsetting me, at everything that is upsetting me..
Time is going by so slow, and sometimes just too fast,
I realized today that I am afraid to date anyone else, I don't want to replace my feelings for you..
And with those thoughts in my head, it's impossible to move on, I'm afraid I'm going to be alone
for a very long, long time.
Nothing seems right anymore.
I rather just sit and cry, because there is nothing I can do
and I feel sometimes that my efforts are utterly wasted on you,
sometimes I feel like you're going to dump her and just run into my arms again...
I wish I could see into the future, to see whats going to happen,
to see if I should just keep pushing,
to see if it's going to pay off in the end.
Theres nobody to talk to anymore,
I have friends but I don't want to talk to anyone..
I desperately need to talk, but I don't want to,
conflicted.. too conflicted.
My emotions are just so fucked up, I don't know what is wrong with me, honestly...
I feel so messed up, I think I broke myself permanently..
I can't fall back into depression, I promised myself I wouldn't..
but I can't help it that I'm in love with you...
You helped me the first time.. but this time you're ruining me?
I can't believe you don't see what you're doing to me...
I can't force you into anything but I just fucking wish that you could love me
or just anybody love me...
I need it.
I need some sort of love,
I need someone to come and hug me and tell me that everything will be okay,
because nothing feels okay.
It hurts,
And tears don't stop.
And the nights spent alone don't help.
I'm relying on you for everything and you can't even give me a text back..
I swear you're literally driving me insane..

For you

For you,

You need to be with somebody that loves you no matter what,
somebody that won't ignore you just because you did something she disliked,
trusts you with all her heart,
gives you the freedom you need,
knows everything about you and still accepts you,
 and has patience and genuine care for you.
This isn't about me, this is about you
You need someone in your life to help you GROW as a strong and independent person,
to get you off the depression medication and to show you that life is great,
that life has tons to offer other than sex, school, drugs and a broken family.
Whether that person just be a friend or a girlfriend, you still need it.
You're not alone in everything and I've TRIED to be there ever single step on the way when you let me be.
I'll be there even when you don't want me to be, or don't need me to be.
I'm not going to leave or give up, I'm going to watch you be a strong person
and help you anytime you need it, talk to you about anything and everything.
I've been through it all and probably more.
I know you don't believe that I have changed,
and I'm not going to try to force a belief on you if you don't believe it,
but that will never change my feelings for you,
you can trash me as much as possible, spit in my face, anything,
but I'm not going to leave you by yourself.
You loved me and trusted me all during our relationship,
and it is time I pay you back and thank you for every single time
that I couldn't stand on my own,
every talk we had and every time you would talk to me and just hold me when I was upset.
I never told you how much it meant to me, and I know it didn't seem like it at the time but
it meant the world to me.
I truly lived FOR you each day,
I'm afraid I would have ended my life and you literally saved me whether you know it or not.
And for that the debt is unrepayable, but I can only try.
I'm not going to break you and your girlfriend up no matter what I feel,
I can only advise you to seek someone better for you, that can help you and tell your secrets to.
I can get upset sometimes because we're not together and I know that..
Our break up was just painful for both of us and we lift it in shatters..
It's time that we need to start over and give complete forgiveness to each other.
Forgive and forget, I've already done it. I think it's your turn now.
Now for the past, I can't ever go back and I wish I could.
Just don't remind me anymore, I feel terrible about it and it is a guilt I will never outlive,
I can only tell you I'm sorry a billion times and prove to you through time that I will
never be that same person again.
I've made many mistakes in my life, but the one mistake I never made was falling in love with you.
You've made me change as a person, in a great way,
you've made me see the meaning of life, and love, and pain (don't feel bad I need to learn pain).
Just remember that you have made mistakes too,
I don't bring them up and I don't carry anger towards them,
be considerate and forgive me like I've done for you.
It doesn't matter if your mistakes were done for revenge, they still happened on your own whim.
I'm still here no matter what through thick and thin.
I've become an amazing person with a bright future and I want you to have the same,
no girlfriend should ever pull you down like she is doing.
I know you love her but sometimes you must take a step back and look,
which is exactly what I'm doing for you,
but no matter what I say, everything is your own decision and I'm behind you 100% of the way.
I do plan on re-gaining your parents trust, one way or another
They can't judge me from the past, because that is and never will be me again.
I feel so much better and live now-a-days, the only reason I cry anymore is because I miss you
unbearably.
But that's my own fault honestly, I did try to get over you, I really did..
but reminders are everywhere, and I can't hide from my feelings and dreams.
My love for you is overwhelming, I constantly feel as if I should share every happy thing,
every happy moment that happens to me, with you..
I'm sorry for ever hurting you, for ever treating you harshly, for making you feel unappreciated.
You never deserved that, and still don't.
I loved you every step of the way and am so grateful that you were in my life
and saw me in my worst but still treated me like a princess.
I honestly haven't looked at any person in a romantic way since we broke up,
nobody can compare or compete.
there is only you and if you were ever in my spot and wanted a second chance,
I would give it to you, no doubt about it.
I am in love with you, whether you like it or not.
I'm not crazy, just so in love.
I cry every time we don't talk, every minute, every second..
The best thing in my life is seeing your name pop up on my phone.
Life seems so lacking, incomplete without you,
like the sun just isn't so bright anymore,
and the smiles are just too easily forced.
I just thought you should know, that I am in love with you.
Don't try to tell me I'm wrong, when everything feels so right.
I don't know if the wrong I have done can ever be forgotten, or forgiven
but I will do whatever it takes,
just for you.