Inner Ramblings

Inner Ramblings, 

I find it so hard to write anything unless I am emotionally at capacity. So much has happened, I guess I will just try and spill my thoughts to this blank page and hope that at the end I feel some sort of relief for letting this all out. Mostly, I have just been beyond stressed with thoughts of the future, I don't ever feel like I will be able to get out of Texas, I don't know where I would go, the idea of facing all of this alone with nobody to hold my hand is absolutely terrifying to me. I don't feel prepared in even the slightest way and I keep going back and forth on whether I want to major in nursing or art. The problem with mental illness is that you have to plan your entire future around it. For the rest of my life, Everything will have to be "bipolar approved" for me, I just don't think I will ever be able to have a job that would give me a week off because I am going through a manic episode.. I just don't ever seeing life working out for me. I feel so trapped and I don't feel like there is any place for me to go. I don't feel welcome at home any more, they are trying to push me to move out but the only place I really want to go is New York and at first my mom was supportive about it (as she usually is about my ideas) and then when I get more serious about it and make actual plans she decides to not give me her support anymore and tell me that I can't do it (this is no surprise, both my parents do this shit to me).. I feel like any direction I try to head in, I am shot down instantly by either myself or somebody else.. Me and Justin had been dating for two months last week. Two months of having to go see him, but being as happy as I could be with him. I was falling for him until he cheated on me. It ruined my trust for him but I forgave him because I knew that I wanted to stay dedicated to him.. we had the best two months, we went out on a fabulous two month date, out to chili's and to go see a movie and we had sex afterwards but it didn't feel right.. Ever since he cheated, I had felt like my emotions for him was fading fast.. he forced me to tell me that he loved him so then I never knew if it was because I did actually love him or because I wanted him to be happy.. He didn't finish that night during sex and I asked immediately if I could go home (which is rare, it was 12am and I usually always spend the night with him), I drove home and cried the whole way home, beyond convinced that I wanted to break up with him, that I could be better with out him. Saturday, I accidentally found out that he was still friends with the girl he cheated on me with on Facebook, even though he promised me up and down that he would block her and never talk to her again no matter what, I told him that he had a choice to make and that it was me and her, and he selected me at the time.. but then finding this out.. that he had lied.. made the pain just stab in to me.. I texted him and I asked him why he lied to me. And he played it dumb at first, saying that he had added her but never talked to her.. and I threatened to talk to HER about it and he confessed that he had been talking to her every week or so so that he could make sure she hadn't killed herself.. and told me that he didn't think I needed my permission to talk to her.. No.. You didn't need my permission, you really didn't, I understood why you needed to talk to her, your heart wants the best for people and its hard to just drop somebody who meant the world to you.. I get that. He dated her for longer anyways.. 2 months doesn't compare to 8 months with somebody.. even though you gave me a piece of you that nobody else will ever have now. I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.. and so I told you I was done. I gave him his warning a long time ago and he didn't take me seriously. I didn't think that he was cheating on me again, I believed him when he said that he was only checking in on her.. but I should have been told.. He could have told me.. He didn't need my permission but I feel like as his girlfriend I should be aware of who he talks to.. and he had been obviously deleting his texts from her (which he promised I could see his phone whenever I wanted but i never checked, only looked over his shoulder when he opened up his phone). I don't really know why this is upsetting me so much. I wanted to end things with him anyways and I needed a reason.. but I didn't want this to be the reason. He didn't even text me back to the last thing I said, he deleted me on everything, blocked me on facebook, anything he could possibly do to get away from me I guess. But if he really loved me, wouldn't he have fought for me?? You don't fall in love with someone and just let them walk away from you... You don't let it go down without a fight... You just don't do that.. He didn't try to even console me at all, he only said "Sorry".. that was all you he fucking said.. "Sorry."  Sorry... Sorry... Sorry.. Those 5 fucking letters don't fix anything.. and that was when I knew it was over... Two months, shared secrets, shared bodies and now we are strangers.. like we were never even together at all. It took minutes to end two months worth of progress and I find that utterly heartbreaking. So after that morning/afternoon of that drama, I went to go hang with my friends and we smoked a lot of weed, I felt happy, we did some molly for the first time and it was the most ecstatic feeling ever.. I found this description of doing molly online and I believe this is SPOT on to how I felt -  "At its best? It feels like joy. Like standing in the presence of God and knowing you are loved without reservation. It feels the way you haven't felt since you were a small child, absolutely alive, absolutely in the moment, able to feel and experience and share with others without fear or hesitation. It is the most perfect moment of the most perfect day of your life, when trouble was nothing but a memory and the possibilities rolled on forever. It is the achievement of the inner peace the religions try to sell but rarely deliver. At its best, MDMA is one of the finest, purest, most profound experiences life has to offer." I'm not religious at all, but this is what I would expect it would to feel like if I were to meet a higher being such as god. I felt amazing for about 10 hours, then the come down sat in.. and it was 9pm and I hadn't slept in 30 hours and I started to panick because my pupils were huge and I wasn't necessary feeling bad but I was having flashes of being too hot, panicky, jittery, shaky, mumbling to myself.. I was glad my mom decided to leave me alone yesterday.. probably because she figured I would be sad over justin.. I had an amazing night though, I didn't think about justin.. until about 30 minutes in to rolling when it kicked in, I texted him without me even realizing it and told him that I loved him but I fucking hated him for lying to me.. why couldn't he just tell the truth? He never replied back of course.. and I never wanted him to. I know he feels as bad as I do. But he is hiding his pain.. as most guys do, he's not posting it on the internet, he's not trying to leave a trail of his hurt emotions.. Or maybe he feels nothing at all? Who even knows. Anyways.. so the night consisted mostly of just listening to dubstep music and talking a lot on our dealers bed, one of my friends got sicked and puked about 6 times but we tried to let it not destroy the good vibes. When we had to go back to my friends house, is when the peak of the drug started coming in, I started talking real fast and I got overly excited and just everything hit me at once and it was the most amazing feeling and scary because it was new.. I accidentally texted one of my crushes and we started talking about college at first and I admitted to him I was rolling hard as fuck and then my whole like inner shield just came down completely and i told him how bad I had been crushing on him, how i have wanted him for almost a year but hid my feelings and I told him WAY too much.. (openness is a side effect of molly, i learned this later) and surprisingly he took it well, he told me that he had liked me too and was attracted to me, just never knew i was interested in him since he was still heartbroken over his ex. And we chatted and he let me roll and talk to him and made him laugh a lot. I don't know if things will ever go anywhere with him but it took a huge relief off of my chest just to have somebody to talk to.. I didn't really think about justin anymore until I laid in bed and I started scrolling through tumblr on my phone and I realized how much I missed him.. but then I told myself that was the molly talking, I don't really miss him, I missed the attention he gave me.. But I will find that again.. I will find somebody better and I know that. It's just bad timing for all of this.. I am still coming down from the molly but it seems to be mostly out of my system, my heart rate is still pretty fast and I have no appetite at all but I feel mostly like myself.. I just felt like I needed to close these emotions off from me so I won't be so sad, and writing ALWAYS helps me.. I don't go back and reread what I write, I write from my heart and thats all I can do to help heal myself.. I don't think I plan on doing that drug again, it was fun but it would be a long time before I could work the nerve up to do it for a second time, the comedown ruined the amazing feels of the high.. but our molly was laced with meth and I think thats what made the comedown so bad.. I don't know it could be a lot of factors.. My period is soon too, I know for sure that is why I've been crying on and off all day, I feel miserably alone.. and I don't want to go back to my old self again..  Is using drugs really me? Is that really who I am? Is that really what I have to resort to? I guess it is since you left this gaping hole in my heart and you won't be coming back to fix it ever. 

An Update

An Update,

WOW, It has been absolutely so long since I have written everything, I would say that it was because I have been busy but that is a lie, I think I just forgot and I think I just haven't had any way to explain what is going on in my life. Well for the first time in a long time, I am happy. I am really really happy. I just started dating a new guy named Justin, he lives an hour away from me but he is amazing. We have only been dating for two weeks (as of today) but so far he is everything that I could ask for in a guy. I finished my first semester of college, I failed chemistry. I took a summer class in English and I passed that. I have a new job working at a restaurant in the casino, I haven't started actually working yet but I had orientation today and classroom for the next week to learn the menu and everything. I got my first two tattoos, they were pretty painful on the back of my thighs but definitely worth it, I am in love with them. I got my belly button pierced, I have my snakebites back, and I took out my second nose piercing. So many changes, but I am very pleased with where my life is going and I know this blog has seen a fair share of my ups and downs but I really hope from now that it is all ups. I am still bipolar, I have had cutting relapses, I have starved myself, I've been hurt, I've lost friends since I have blogged last. All of that has not changed, but I am trying to learn to feel better and deal with things as they come and just not let them ruin everything. If I am sad, I'm trying to just hide my feelings and wait until they pass instead of fighting and messing up the relationship I am in. I really hope that this is the relationship that will lead to a marriage. I don't know how I could be so serious about him so soon but literally he is the only guy who has made me want to change myself for the better, I have no thoughts of cheating on him, I don't have eyes for anybody else, I wouldn't want anybody else and I just can't believe that I found him and he likes me just as much as I like him. I want to say that I love him but honestly I feel like that is too soon and it would be silly of me to go out and confess my love so soon. We have a very complicated relationship. I don't know if I want to post it here. I don't know if I want anybody to know. I don't know if it's something that you just don't tell people or something people don't want to know, so I won't post it yet because honestly it doesn't matter and it doesn't change my feelings for him. I just hope that he won't leave me and I hope that I don't end up pushing him away eventually with how up and down in my moods I am. He is something really good that has walked in to my life. As for other friends/ex boyfriends/etc. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. Me and Wil are completely over, we were back and forth for so long and I am just officially done. I deleted his mother off of Facebook, I didn't want her messaging me telling me to talk to him because he is upset or something like she usually does. I can't find the heart to delete him off of Facebook but he texts me every now and then and asks me how I am.. I wish he didn't, I don't have any more feelings for him and I don't know if I ever did. I used to think I loved him, but I think I was just so afraid of being alone that I had to create fake feelings to make him happy. I know that I used to love Daniel for sure, I would have given the world for him and I still love him but I am not in love with him, He is somewhat a friend but that is weaning with how hateful he has been towards me for dating someone new, I don't know if it's because he's tired of being alone or he just doesn't want to see me happy if he's not happy or what. I can't stress over that though, I don't want to stress about anything. I stress anyways, about everything but if I can save myself the stress of dealing with other people who don't want the best for me, I can do that for myself at least. I just feel really weird of the fact that each relationship is a different feeling, I don't feel the same way about every guy that I have dated, the love is different each time and I really think that is something that everyone should pay attention to. You can love someone, but you will never love them like you loved another person. The feelings are different, the situation is different, the person is different, and you are different as well. You may not feel the difference that each relationship creates inside of you, but it does, and it grows and it tweaks you with each fight, with each moment of sweet words that makes your heart flutter. 

Nothing New

Nothing New,

SO. Happy new year, it is another year which means it is another year to just give up and make the same mistakes over and over again which is honestly probably what I will do. I haven't talked to Frank since November 30th and it is literally killing me, I have tried texting him so much asking him and begging him to talk to me but I haven't heard anything back. My friends texted him trying to get him to talk to me and he responded and said "lol ok kid" or whatever some crap like that. I am still living with lee. I have the rest of this week of school and next week and then I am officially graduated. I enrolled in college classes today and I am super excited! I just need to start losing weight again and get a puppy and then my life will be back on track hopefully. I still feel alone, all the time and the moods haven't changed but I have decided that I just will have to live with them. There is no getting out of this. Christmas sucked, it was the worse. I got nothing that I wanted. I did get the other side of my nose pierced a week ago. It looks nice, I don't know if I will keep it forever honestly. I like it on me but some of my friends think that it is too many facial piercings. As far as everything else in my life goes.. I think it is okay. Daniel is moving back here in two weeks. I'm excited yet nervous, I don't really know how much it is going to effect my life anyways. Me and Lee have been on and off fighting which has been not that great. We just get on eachothers nerves I guess. It shouldn't be that way but we clash in certain personality traits of eachother I suppose, it's kind of weird though because he reminds me of Frank in the bad qualities that he possessed. I love Frank. A lot. It took me so long to get over Daniel, now how am I supposed to get over Frank.. Oh. Wil is moving to California.. Him and his girlfriend broke up, They only dated for a little bit over a month but I can guarantee they had sex. I only know they broke up cause she deleted all the photos of him and her on instagram and started posting depressing crap. I kind of felt bad for her, she thought she was in love with him but she looked young and naive and she will find better. I miss Wil.. I think. I'm not sure, he was a good guy. He was the only one who truly understood my moods and did as best as possible to make me feel better and not fight with me. I miss having someone who understands me. I miss frank more than words can express. and I have no earthly idea how I can ever get him back in my life. I guess I can just keep messaging him and figure out how to get him back in my life somehow but there is no guarantee that he will ever respond back. I don't even know if he cares about me anymore. I don't think he does. But I can't walk away and it is ruining me. but what really sucks is that every guy I meet I expect them to just be able to take his place and be him and know me how he did and do the things he did and make me feel how he did so when they don't I don't want to be around them at all. but I can't seem tog et it through my head that it took a lot for me and him to develop the type of relationship that we had, that it didn't just happen over night and I can't just expect some new guy to walk into my life and be able to make everything better for me. But that is what I want. and I'll never find that so why do I even bother trying to find anyone anymore? I don't want to date anymore unless it is Frank and I don't know how long that view point will last but that is how I am feeling as of right now. I feel alone but I refuse to get close to anyone again. My heart is just hurting and it feels like theres a knife and every time i text him and he doesn't text back, the knife twists a little bit and just tears apart every broken piece of me that I managed to put back together after the heartbreak of Daniel and now Frank. I can't keep losing everyone. I am trying my hardest I swear but it never seems like I can get anywhere good. am I seriously doomed to be miserable for life? Because that is how it feels. I am never satisfied with anything. I am always wanting more, and I don't know if that is greed or if it is just a self destructive behavior that I have created for myself because I don't want to ever let myself be happy with the things I have.