Nothing New,
SO. Happy new year, it is another year which means it is another year to just give up and make the same mistakes over and over again which is honestly probably what I will do. I haven't talked to Frank since November 30th and it is literally killing me, I have tried texting him so much asking him and begging him to talk to me but I haven't heard anything back. My friends texted him trying to get him to talk to me and he responded and said "lol ok kid" or whatever some crap like that. I am still living with lee. I have the rest of this week of school and next week and then I am officially graduated. I enrolled in college classes today and I am super excited! I just need to start losing weight again and get a puppy and then my life will be back on track hopefully. I still feel alone, all the time and the moods haven't changed but I have decided that I just will have to live with them. There is no getting out of this. Christmas sucked, it was the worse. I got nothing that I wanted. I did get the other side of my nose pierced a week ago. It looks nice, I don't know if I will keep it forever honestly. I like it on me but some of my friends think that it is too many facial piercings. As far as everything else in my life goes.. I think it is okay. Daniel is moving back here in two weeks. I'm excited yet nervous, I don't really know how much it is going to effect my life anyways. Me and Lee have been on and off fighting which has been not that great. We just get on eachothers nerves I guess. It shouldn't be that way but we clash in certain personality traits of eachother I suppose, it's kind of weird though because he reminds me of Frank in the bad qualities that he possessed. I love Frank. A lot. It took me so long to get over Daniel, now how am I supposed to get over Frank.. Oh. Wil is moving to California.. Him and his girlfriend broke up, They only dated for a little bit over a month but I can guarantee they had sex. I only know they broke up cause she deleted all the photos of him and her on instagram and started posting depressing crap. I kind of felt bad for her, she thought she was in love with him but she looked young and naive and she will find better. I miss Wil.. I think. I'm not sure, he was a good guy. He was the only one who truly understood my moods and did as best as possible to make me feel better and not fight with me. I miss having someone who understands me. I miss frank more than words can express. and I have no earthly idea how I can ever get him back in my life. I guess I can just keep messaging him and figure out how to get him back in my life somehow but there is no guarantee that he will ever respond back. I don't even know if he cares about me anymore. I don't think he does. But I can't walk away and it is ruining me. but what really sucks is that every guy I meet I expect them to just be able to take his place and be him and know me how he did and do the things he did and make me feel how he did so when they don't I don't want to be around them at all. but I can't seem tog et it through my head that it took a lot for me and him to develop the type of relationship that we had, that it didn't just happen over night and I can't just expect some new guy to walk into my life and be able to make everything better for me. But that is what I want. and I'll never find that so why do I even bother trying to find anyone anymore? I don't want to date anymore unless it is Frank and I don't know how long that view point will last but that is how I am feeling as of right now. I feel alone but I refuse to get close to anyone again. My heart is just hurting and it feels like theres a knife and every time i text him and he doesn't text back, the knife twists a little bit and just tears apart every broken piece of me that I managed to put back together after the heartbreak of Daniel and now Frank. I can't keep losing everyone. I am trying my hardest I swear but it never seems like I can get anywhere good. am I seriously doomed to be miserable for life? Because that is how it feels. I am never satisfied with anything. I am always wanting more, and I don't know if that is greed or if it is just a self destructive behavior that I have created for myself because I don't want to ever let myself be happy with the things I have.
