Healing Steps,
So Happy new years, and merry Christmas blah I haven't posted in a while but I seriously say that every time. Everything has been pretty good lately, kinda up and down of course. oh! Since the last time I posted I got my birth control implant in my arm, it's supposed to control the mood swings and hopefully keep the depression away.. I'm just hoping it really really will work for me.. no changes so far and its been a few weeks.. Still mood swing as hard and quickly as before.. It really sucks. and I've been like obsessing over Alex, I'm not sure how he has not just like ran away yet.. haaha. he's been gone for a week at his friends house in another state, hes finally coming back tomorrow and I have missed him like crazy.. hormones I think or I actually care for him.. whichever one. My ex visited for the holidays of course.. I was working when his dad ordered pizza from my job and came through the drive thru and I made sure I was not the one to get it, I did not want to experience that awkwardness.. I mean I know I have changed but his parents haven't spoken to me in like over a year so they barely know me at all anymore.. they still just believe im that depressed little cutter manipulative bitch of a girlfriend I used to be.. that I'm still not a healthy person to be around etc etc.. I really regret that I could not fix myself in time. Thats what happens when PMDD goes undiagnosed for so long I guess though.. but I waited several years to even try to do something about fixing it.. I don't know.. this implant cuts off all fertility (not that I had any to begin with) and periods and whatnot for 3 years.. hopefully it will be the cure that I am looking for.. or it will do nothing for me and i'll have to have it taken out.. woo.. that would be just my luck wouldn't it? I just want everything to keep going good. My relationship is stable and doing well.. I'm back to talking with my best friends.. and school is starting soon and I'm going back into medical classes and will have a class with my best friend and hopefully everything will start to look up and be bright.. but just when I say that something terrible will happen.. Oh. My brother is moving out on tuesday, going to college down south.. I'm going to miss him like crazy because he will probably never visit but I'm glad hes making something of his life and pursing a career. I hope our family tensions wont rise or anything like they did last time he moved out.. I don't know. I'm just worried but everything is calm right now and for that I am very very very thankful. Like no.. today I feel beautiful. but I still feel really fat too -.- it's so confusing. but I'm re-starting my diet soon again and hopefully can get down to 130 or something.. I just want to be thin. I need to be thin. I really want to start working out this year, but It's just hard to find the motivation I guess. Maybe just work on maintaining a healthy relationship.. that sounds like a good new years resolution. Alex is great.. honestly. we connect in every way and I hope that never changes. But seriously I know when he graduates everything will start being strained but I hope we can just keep it going.. or if me and him end eventually, I hope that I can get over the pain quickly and jump back into the pain like I failed to do after my ex. I guess thats what you have to do in times of heartbreak, just start replacing the memories of a old love with a new love... He did that and I did not. but it's time I start and it'll get better in time.. I know it will.. this ache will go away eventually or I just won't notice it anymore.. and I can't wait until that day.. where I can hear his name without feeling pangs of sadness.. that I will not forever associate places, songs, etc with him.. And no I'm not going to text him anymore.. If he ever wants to talk to me, he will text me first. I am not going to give him the satisfaction of torturing me anymore. I deserve better.. at least I hope I deserve better.. someone just tell me I'm doing the right thing.. or that I'm trying my hardest.. cause I am.. but it just never feels like I'm doing anything right. Moving on is hard. But Alex is my new step forward... right?
