Only You

Only You,

Tonight.. has been sad. not sad in the sense that anything new happened just sad.. I can't shake off my feelings of being alone.. I've been talking to a new guy and he drove an hour and a half tonight to hang out with me and I blew him off.. stopped texting him, didn't answer his calls, anything.. and yes he is pissed but I can't help it.. how could I possibly tell him what I'm going through? I'm sad and lonely and depressed and ruined and broken and how could anyone ever possibly love me? How could I ever possibly love anybody else? I don't get that soul connection with anybody else.. and how do I know that the next person I date won't tear my heart to pieces again? I don't think I could handle that.. so I just give up. I surrender to being single because I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be loved, I don't want your time wasted on me because nobody else but him will be enough.. nobody will ever live up.. nobody can compete and I don't want to let anybody try.. I know he wasn't the perfect guy to me but you know what he damn well was everything that I wanted.. doesn't matter that we fought, that we said harsh words to eachother, at the end of the night we loved eachother and couldn't stand to fight or be mad at eachother for longer than a day. and I'm crying now but it's needed.. I'm so fucking alone. and I have been for a ENTIRE YEAR plus 4 days.. I know other people have been single for longer but I'm still heartbroken.. I feel as in love with him that I was the day he had to leave my birthday party early.. I still remember that moment perfectly.. I held him and cried and told him I didn't want him to go.. because maybe I knew it would be the last time.. I don't know.. but he just hugged me so tightly and told me that he didn't want to cry too but that he loved me so much and that we'd be together. and I kissed him so much.. and his mom asked him if he was ready and he just looked at me so sadly.. and kissed me one last time softly and went out the door and I just broke down and bawled my eyes out.. it was like watching the love of my life walk out of my life.. because thats exactly what it was.. He said he cried as he was leaving.. I believe him.. it was such a moving moment in my life.. life-changing.. and I knew the next time I saw him nothing would be the same.. and it wasn't. we were friends.. we didn't act like a couple at all. but I was so sad just glancing at him.. knowing that he used to be mine and that he should still be mine.. but I let him lay his head in my lap and just gently stroked his hair.. and it seriously meant the world to me.. I don't think it meant the same thing to him but it was.. so.. nice.. it felt like we were dating again.. and I know i've talked about this before.. but I can't help but relive it.. happier times are so much better to think about and cry about than to dwell on how sad I am now and how troubled I am and how alone I am.. I rather pretend that me and him will be together again than to know deep in my heart that he will never love me.. because honestly who wants to think about that? I really don't.. and I don't think I could handle dwelling on that for that long because that is the shove that would push me off the edge.. and OMG, just look at me now.. fucking ruining every and any relationship a guy tries to create with me because even though I'm lonely and alone.. I want to stay alone... I don't want a guy in my life trying to fill that void that I know can never be filled by anyone else.. and he'd ask me about my ex and try to compare himself to him and I'd have to nod and pretend that he is better but no.. deep in my heart my ex is the best at everything.. no kisses could be better, no sex could be better, no hugs could be better, no fights could be better, no phone calls could be better.. and nobody could hurt me better than he can. damnit. please come back to me. I love you so much it kills me.

Cracking Judgement

Cracking Judgement,

Yay. Random blog rant time like always, hey guys. haha. Uhm well I think it's typical to say that I haven't been having the time of my life or anything because that never happens. I've been just let down and let down and let down again over and over and over again I swear.. I'm so sick of people letting me down and just.. ugh. It's very disappointing. and I'm sick of my parents being SO judgemental.. A few things have happened, I don't know where to start. But I guess lets start with whatever I feel like. I miss my best friend like crazy, it makes me so sad but shes coming back soon I'm pretty sure.. I hate that she doesnt get to see her dad alot but I also hate that shes gone for so long because I mean.. it's like missing a piece of yourself.. I don't have that much fun with anyone else regardless of what we're doing. we can laugh about anything and i just miss that. haven't had that in a month.. maybe thats why my moods are so jacked and crappy and everything.. who knows. I'm just SO ready to not be so pissed off at everyone and everything as soon as I talk to anyone lol I'm just like so touchy and I'm getting pissed at every little thing and I know I'm doing it but I swear I can't help it and you know what I think everyone that knows me knows that my moods are like WOOOOHOOO PARTTYYY lets change frequently and give me headaches like mad. I swear I go from happy to crying to angry to severly depressed to laughing to angry and just omg its a rollercoaster all the time. I thought it would stop after I got my period but no it got worse and it came with the worst cramps of my life, that has NEVER happened before. eghhh. OKAY so moving on.. yesterday err i guess two days ago, me and my parents were out camping and having dinner and they started calling my ex a dyke and a homosexual and that I never knew what love was because I didn't have enough "Life experience" and that when I'm older I will look back on my feelings now and know that they weren't real.. like holy crap BULL to the shit. they don't know all the pain I have gone through and how dedicated I am to this boy. I think they think that I'm still a little bit sad,  I don't think they know the real extent because I don't show it to anyone except my closest friends.. so they could never possibly understand but back to the story, i got REALLY pissed because I love him and I'm going to always defend him and I said NO he was not a fucking lesbian homosexual whatever, and I went off on a huge rant (this is not a huge suprise) and told my parents that they seriously needed to get with the new age because they are so stuck up and judgemental and its fucking sad and makes me mad... they don't think that tattoos or piercings or being gay/lesbian is acceptable and these day in age and I'm like omg.. it's VERY VERY VERY normal and perfectly acceptable so you guys are going to have a lot of trouble in life from now on if thats how you feel and think.. and they were all blah blah you will see the wrong in it eventually.. and they kept just trying to tell me that they supported me going to college but that I wasn't right for the medical field and that I had never experienced death first hand and that it would change me.. yeah I've been on the verge of death I think I can handle it. But when we were done with dinner my mom got really upset when I told them that they needed to change their thinking and GUILT-TRIPPED me completely and told me that atleast she loved HER mom even if i didn't love mine. I was like yeah mom.. whatever.. get over yourself, you know I love about you and care about you, but I think you're dead fucking wrong in your views. I'm straight as a stick but there is nothing wrong with gay, bi, lez, straight, any of that... Very very sad that there are still people like that in this world. It makes me sad. I'm glad our generation is much more open-minded and accepting. Hopefully when the older generations die out we can thrive. I didn't know how much I typed already but dang look at that.. I'll stop here now but seriously.. no.. I hate people.. don't bullshit around with me like that and force your beliefs down my throat and cancel plans on me like most people do and blahhhhh. so ready to quit I swear. I keep living on strong though I guess. For him.. always for him <3