Say Anything

Say Anything, 

Do you ever have one of those days,
One of those days where you don't want to exist, don't want to be alive?
Today is one of those days, and every time these days come, I swear they get worse and worse.
I constantly feel like breaking down and screaming at everyone who is upsetting me, at everything that is upsetting me..
Time is going by so slow, and sometimes just too fast,
I realized today that I am afraid to date anyone else, I don't want to replace my feelings for you..
And with those thoughts in my head, it's impossible to move on, I'm afraid I'm going to be alone
for a very long, long time.
Nothing seems right anymore.
I rather just sit and cry, because there is nothing I can do
and I feel sometimes that my efforts are utterly wasted on you,
sometimes I feel like you're going to dump her and just run into my arms again...
I wish I could see into the future, to see whats going to happen,
to see if I should just keep pushing,
to see if it's going to pay off in the end.
Theres nobody to talk to anymore,
I have friends but I don't want to talk to anyone..
I desperately need to talk, but I don't want to,
conflicted.. too conflicted.
My emotions are just so fucked up, I don't know what is wrong with me, honestly...
I feel so messed up, I think I broke myself permanently..
I can't fall back into depression, I promised myself I wouldn't..
but I can't help it that I'm in love with you...
You helped me the first time.. but this time you're ruining me?
I can't believe you don't see what you're doing to me...
I can't force you into anything but I just fucking wish that you could love me
or just anybody love me...
I need it.
I need some sort of love,
I need someone to come and hug me and tell me that everything will be okay,
because nothing feels okay.
It hurts,
And tears don't stop.
And the nights spent alone don't help.
I'm relying on you for everything and you can't even give me a text back..
I swear you're literally driving me insane..

For you

For you,

You need to be with somebody that loves you no matter what,
somebody that won't ignore you just because you did something she disliked,
trusts you with all her heart,
gives you the freedom you need,
knows everything about you and still accepts you,
 and has patience and genuine care for you.
This isn't about me, this is about you
You need someone in your life to help you GROW as a strong and independent person,
to get you off the depression medication and to show you that life is great,
that life has tons to offer other than sex, school, drugs and a broken family.
Whether that person just be a friend or a girlfriend, you still need it.
You're not alone in everything and I've TRIED to be there ever single step on the way when you let me be.
I'll be there even when you don't want me to be, or don't need me to be.
I'm not going to leave or give up, I'm going to watch you be a strong person
and help you anytime you need it, talk to you about anything and everything.
I've been through it all and probably more.
I know you don't believe that I have changed,
and I'm not going to try to force a belief on you if you don't believe it,
but that will never change my feelings for you,
you can trash me as much as possible, spit in my face, anything,
but I'm not going to leave you by yourself.
You loved me and trusted me all during our relationship,
and it is time I pay you back and thank you for every single time
that I couldn't stand on my own,
every talk we had and every time you would talk to me and just hold me when I was upset.
I never told you how much it meant to me, and I know it didn't seem like it at the time but
it meant the world to me.
I truly lived FOR you each day,
I'm afraid I would have ended my life and you literally saved me whether you know it or not.
And for that the debt is unrepayable, but I can only try.
I'm not going to break you and your girlfriend up no matter what I feel,
I can only advise you to seek someone better for you, that can help you and tell your secrets to.
I can get upset sometimes because we're not together and I know that..
Our break up was just painful for both of us and we lift it in shatters..
It's time that we need to start over and give complete forgiveness to each other.
Forgive and forget, I've already done it. I think it's your turn now.
Now for the past, I can't ever go back and I wish I could.
Just don't remind me anymore, I feel terrible about it and it is a guilt I will never outlive,
I can only tell you I'm sorry a billion times and prove to you through time that I will
never be that same person again.
I've made many mistakes in my life, but the one mistake I never made was falling in love with you.
You've made me change as a person, in a great way,
you've made me see the meaning of life, and love, and pain (don't feel bad I need to learn pain).
Just remember that you have made mistakes too,
I don't bring them up and I don't carry anger towards them,
be considerate and forgive me like I've done for you.
It doesn't matter if your mistakes were done for revenge, they still happened on your own whim.
I'm still here no matter what through thick and thin.
I've become an amazing person with a bright future and I want you to have the same,
no girlfriend should ever pull you down like she is doing.
I know you love her but sometimes you must take a step back and look,
which is exactly what I'm doing for you,
but no matter what I say, everything is your own decision and I'm behind you 100% of the way.
I do plan on re-gaining your parents trust, one way or another
They can't judge me from the past, because that is and never will be me again.
I feel so much better and live now-a-days, the only reason I cry anymore is because I miss you
unbearably.
But that's my own fault honestly, I did try to get over you, I really did..
but reminders are everywhere, and I can't hide from my feelings and dreams.
My love for you is overwhelming, I constantly feel as if I should share every happy thing,
every happy moment that happens to me, with you..
I'm sorry for ever hurting you, for ever treating you harshly, for making you feel unappreciated.
You never deserved that, and still don't.
I loved you every step of the way and am so grateful that you were in my life
and saw me in my worst but still treated me like a princess.
I honestly haven't looked at any person in a romantic way since we broke up,
nobody can compare or compete.
there is only you and if you were ever in my spot and wanted a second chance,
I would give it to you, no doubt about it.
I am in love with you, whether you like it or not.
I'm not crazy, just so in love.
I cry every time we don't talk, every minute, every second..
The best thing in my life is seeing your name pop up on my phone.
Life seems so lacking, incomplete without you,
like the sun just isn't so bright anymore,
and the smiles are just too easily forced.
I just thought you should know, that I am in love with you.
Don't try to tell me I'm wrong, when everything feels so right.
I don't know if the wrong I have done can ever be forgotten, or forgiven
but I will do whatever it takes,
just for you.

Nothing Here

Nothing Here,

Everything is painful,
And everything hurts,
Your words are like whips,
they leave scars that you will never see.
My past is harsh,
Lies were definitely told,
You remind me over and over again,
until all I can see is the pain you feel.
I hurt you and I know,
Stop telling me,
Stop trying to tell me I haven't changed,
Stop acting like you've been around the entire time,
Stop pretending that you are perfect and did no wrong,
Stop speaking harshly of me because of my mistakes,
I love you and all you can do is hurt me,
All you can see is my flaws,
All you do is call me out on what I did,
All I can say is I'm sorry,
but all you believe is the lies.
Nothing gets through to you,
You only believe what you want to,
I can't reach you and it tears me apart,
Tears are always streaming down my cheeks,
I only feel lost without you,
and you only insist that we aren't meant to be.
Why is it that love is never enough?
Why is it impossible for me to change in your eyes?
I'm not the monster I used to be,
and even if I was, you still loved me,
I truly thought that forever meant forever,
I guess it never really is.

Confusing Life

Confusing Life,

Ahh.. Well right now you're in Texas. I couldn't be happier, just having you closer to me.. it makes me happy. I know you're not right next to me (I wish you were) but I know that you're several hundred miles closer then you were before.. You have been fighting with your girlfriend, you don't think it's going to work out.. Should I be sad or glad? I don't even think you'd ever give me a chance to try to work things out with you. I bought your birthday present today, it's nothing super special but it's what you were claiming what you wanted. We should be hanging out soon, I'm getting nervous... I don't know what to wear, or what to say, or what to do.. I can only have so many things run through my mind at a time before I get overly stressed and start bawling. But I did dream of you, I dreamt that you came to my house to speak with me and we were outside chatting when you stood up and made me stand up too and you grabbed my hand, to lead my inside.. but then you realized that we were holding hands and you just stared at our hands joined together and smiled and kissed the back of my hand, like I used to do to you every time we would hold hands. It's hard to stop thinking about all the memories, it's hard to stop dreaming about you. I can't help it.. ugh. Is it my fault that I can't find happiness from anyone else? You are the only person that will make my heart race when you text me, when the little smiley faces you add in text make me smile so much..and when I hear your voice I have to take a deep sigh of relief cause it has felt like I've been holding my breath for a long time..  I can't believe spring break is almost over, I haven't done crap this entire time.. just kind of stay up all night and watch netflix, fall asleep.. text people... eat.. repeat... I have a ton of work to do but I like to wait till last minute.. i never have any motivation to do anything until the absolute last day till it is due. Sad.. and a bad habit I know but all well.. I still do good.. I really need to study for my classes though.. I can't be failing two classes right now.. I know i'm smarter than that.. but I'm just stressed all the time and I never find time for myself or anything.. I always feel like there's Facebook to be on, or people to talk to or social life to stress over, etc.. I know education is a ton more important over anything but as a high schooler.. it just doesn't seem that way... I feel almost dumb because I can never motivate myself to do anything.. even my paintings.. i find no inspiration to finish.. I have so many that are just not done because I have no time or want to put any effort into them.. the only paintings or drawings I have ever finished is the ones I have given to other people or have made for school. Am I such a failure in life.....? I feel like one.. most days.. I don't really do anything around the house.. I feel like I just spend money and waste away.. I don't even have motivation to exercise... all I really do is sit on the computer or text people or go to school or beg for money or hang with friends. I'm a typical teenager I suppose but I wish I was more.. I know I'm not depressed or anything but I feel like there is so much more I should be doing with my life.. that I'm not.. and  I question if I ever will. I really need to step it up a notch in school but I don't know if I'm ever going to be one of those people.. that just studies for classes to try and get better... I want to be a great student and make A's but I don't know how to.. I've never had all A's.. I've made the A, B honor roll but not since 5th grade I don't think.. what happened? was it the depression that just got the best of me? I mean.. I have high hopes for the future and everything but why do I always feel like It's never going to happen? Maybe my parents.. they always tell me that I shouldn't be looking at medical college or anything.. that I'd be lucky if I could just get a nursing license or something.. to not shoot so far as to want to be an OB/GYN... I'm just scared for college.. I'll be alone and starting fresh.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. and it's not even for several years that I'm starting.. well not that far away actually.. it feels like it's approaching so fast.. but too slow at the same time.. I hate being the youngest in my class.. I feel so young.. everyone is like 2... 4... 5.. years older than me.. I feel like a child, because nobody takes me seriously.. or takes my problems seriously.. I don't know.. Life is just confusing today. But I think that's mostly everyday it seems.

Changing For

Changing For,

This picture is so true that it's scary. I've been shopping this entire weekend with my family and I've realized now how many things I've tried to change just to fit into and mold myself into someone that you would want me to be.. I dye my hair black so that I don't do look preppy, I wear the dark eyeliner, I don't wear any bright clothing, I stopped doing a lot of things. I only buy clothes that I think you would like to see on me, I constantly find myself looking at clothes and thinking about what you'd think if you saw them on me... I don't know.. obsessed I guess... Of course it's 3 am and the only thoughts on my mind are you.. hahah. Well I've been watching the "Secret Life of an American Teenager" all night... I'm starting episode 5 soon.. It's pretty intense. but yeah.. I've been talking to you all night until about 1:30 am and I think you crashed after that. I love you so much, It's crazy.. sometimes I feel like you're flirting with me but maybe it's just you being nice.. I don't know.. I can't wait to hang out with you, seriously, it's driving me insane to wait. I'm going to buy you a ton of candy as your birthday present haha.. Super late but it is better than nothing. I'm really tired so I feel like I need to ramble. but what to ramble about? I don't know.. I'm still trying to think about where we are going to hang out and what we're going to do and all that fun stuff... ya know.. I have that feeling we're going to end up kissing but I don't know... my feelings haven't really had a habit of turning out true lately.. It's just going to be tricky trying to get your dad to agree to let you see me... I wish we hadn't fucked up so much in our relationship, I hate how nobody lets go of the past, I mean for crying out loud I'm pretty sure it has been like 8 months or something since we last saw each other, a TON can happen during that time.. I'm not the type of person that just stays the same and never changes or grows or learns or whatever... I change a lot.. this time for the good. It sucks that I had to lose you to find myself though... It really sucks, I rather have it back to the old ways.. I rather fight with you everyday but still be a couple at the end of the day then to be far away, awkward friends.... seriously.. I want nothing more then to just have your arms around me and kiss you until I pass out from happiness.. lol How many times have I talked about this? I swear every blog is about you.. but that's kind of what I started this for.. to write this TO you... well in the form of TO you but not actually to you.. I think you'd pee your pants from the amount of creepy and stalker in these "blogs".. but the matter of the fact is that I don't really think about anything else. I think about you EVERY DAY. even when we aren't talking.. I still think of you.. there are tons of things that remind me of you... but today was a little scary going back to a place that had very harsh reminders... of my past.... I don't want to go into detail... but still..... I was with family and everything but flash backs are hard to stop. My parents were even bickering today, I wish my mom would finally just leave me dad if that's really what she wants to do.. there should be nothing stopping her.. my brother is grown and I'm old enough to understand whats going on.. She lets my dad get away with so much crap.. I think I would have divorced him a LONG time ago if I was in her position, its whats best for the kids too and the family and he is a very selfish person.. sometimes I question the intent of guys.. I feel like older generation of guys just want to spend money and piss off wives and get drunk and bitch at kids and then THIS generation of guys just want to have sex, do drugs, party, etc... I don't think I have yet to meet a decent guy that has not spoken one thing about sex to me.. Humm... Okay enough ranting.. but seriously.. where are all the romantic sweet but spontaneous guys? did they just like combust and disappear from the entire earth?! seems like it. 

Too Much

Too Much,

I'm not sure what I wrote about last time... It has been a while, well not too long but all well. Anyways.. where to start.. I guess I will continue with the biggest news of the day and work down to lesser events.. Well.. one of my friends tried to commit suicide on Thursday.. I just found out today when her mother called my dad to ask for me to come to the hospital to see her.. I literally had no idea because me and her hadn't talked in a few weeks... but I called her and spoke to her myself, she had jumped from her three story house onto concrete and had broken both of her ankles and sprained her tailbone.. She said she screamed immediately and her parents came out and called an ambulance and then she blacked out after that.. but she had to have surgery because the bones had popped out and were dislocated really bad and everything.. I can't believe she is going to recover from this.. she could have easily broken her spine and been stuck crippled for the rest of her life and not be able to ever stand, walk, etc. on her own.. maybe she will be smart enough to never try again.. I talked to her and tried to make her see that she had a ton of people that loved her but I know she will never listen to me, I don't know why I always say anything...Anyways.. she is wanting me to visit her in the hospital.. but she lives far away and my parents already don't like her because she is a bad influence... But I feel like a terrible friend if I can't find a way to be there for her... even if we aren't that close.. I know she'd do it for me if she was in my position.. ON TO THE NEXT THING - I am finally hanging out with the love of my life soon! He is visiting on Thursday this week and I know it sounds stupid but I'm so giddy and nervous~! I know he probably only wants to hang out with me because he wants his jacket but I'm going to take that and run with it.. because he has said that he does want to hang out with me, and he texts me all the time now.. except the rare occasion today that I texted him this morning and he never responded back.. but all well. We talked on the phone last Friday night If I can remember correctly, I don't exactly remember what we talked about but we talked till at least 2 am for like 2 hours and 20 minutes.. it was so nice to hear his voice after such a long time of not talking to him.. I've missed him.. His life is going good, even without me. Lately people have just been saying things that remind me of him, how much I miss the little things that me and him did together.. how we would cuddle on my bed and I would rub my hands on his stomach because I loved the feel of his abs, and how he hated to be tickled but would always kiss me to make me stop.. how every time i saw him walking towards me, I would just smile so wide and hug him and hold on to him like I was never going to see him again... how we would just sit outside of school on a bench and talk about whatever came to mind, and that one time we were kissing and someone honked at us and scared us and made us both blush... I miss the small little memories that he probably easily forgot or replaced with new ones... Crazy how much I can still remember. I wonder what's going to happen when me and him hang out... if I could kiss him again.. I think I'd die in heaven but could I ever get so lucky? I don't know.. I don't want him to see me as a bad person either though.. I don't want to mess anything up and make him think I'm the bad guy and that I "manipulated" him into coming to see me and making him kiss me, etc... I don't know his mental state very well anymore and I don't know if he would pull any of that stuff. he still insists so much that I cheated on him that I just gave up and stopped trying to deny it, I just want him to feel like he is right.. and maybe in some form I did cheat.. maybe physically but never emotionally. I was never attracted to anyone and never wanted anyone else but him.. I just wasn't appreciating my body and was letting people use me. Sad, I know.. and I can't go back and fix anything.. at least I didn't have sex with anyone else! or went farther then kissing... He acts like I'm such a slut... He said he even got STD tested because of me... he thought I had some sort of disease even though I was a virgin when me and him had sex... Ridiculous but it's whatever, its in the past and Its understandable in some ways I guess, better safe then sorry but the fact that he doesn't trust me or thinks negatively of me.. yeah.. we have an issue. There has been way too much stress this week seriously.. so much drama within my friend group and I'm glad it is finally spring break. I'm going to try to keep this updated... at the VERY LEAST weekly.. it's hard to write everyday.. there is never alone time anymore it seems that i can just sit and write down everything that has happened... It's like therapy.. in a COMPUTER! ahhhhh. I seriously should just be writing this crap down in a word document and just create a diary like that or something.. maybe some day I will switch to that but for now, this is what it is. This is my life, for the time being. And you, whoever are reading this, are looking deep into my inner thoughts. How lucky you are!

Giving Back

Giving Back,

Today has been a crazy weird and confusing day. I texted you last night FINALLY after a month of talking and I didn't see till this morning that you had texted back and said you were going to ask your girlfriend during school.. but then you texted me again and asked me if I still had the jacket you gave me, I said yes and asked why.. and you told me that you wanted it back.. and that I should be glad to give it up because it brings back lost memories, and that you really miss it and looked good on you, etc. This made me so mad and confused and sad and stressed. The jacket is one that YOU gave me while we were dating, and that I cried into everynight I was in the hospital and couldn't see you. It was the only thing that made me smile because it always smelled just like you and gave me a reason to get up and keep going. Why would you ever want to take that away from me? but you said that you'd come get it and we could hang out so I sadly agreed. Because I just want to make you happy, and if the jacket will make you happy then I will give it back to you even though it'll rip me up on the inside.. do you want your fucking necklaces and rings you bought/gave to me during our relationship too? Do you just want to talk all of my reminders of you away? All the notes? The picture you gave me when we first started dating that I've had hung in my room since you gave it to me? I don't know how you can think I'm okay with this. but I'm going to pretend, and thats all I can do. So Hopefully we're going to hang out during spring break.. I don't know what's going to happen or if you'll even follow through or if your bitch girlfriend will even allow it.. I don't know.. I'm excited and nervous and sad.. because just hearing from/texting you drives me insane and I swear it makes my heart beat 160 bpm.. (beats per minute) and won't stop. It stresses me out when I have to wait for you to text back and then get really dissapointed when you don't.. I'm crazy over you and it's fucking ridiculous. I need to go back to therapy again apparently from heartbreak.. to try and get over it.. if thats what it takes I guess haha... or medication to just not make me have any emotions or have a heart or something I don't know. I just hate HATE HATE HATE HATE that I feel this way about you and you don't feel shit for me. I'm already worrying over how I'm going to look when we hang out, what I will wear, how I will do my hair, etc. I want to dye my hair and lose more weight and stuff before I see you and it's just driving me insane with so many thoughts of what could happen and what could not happen and how i'll feel afterwards or how i'll feel if you don't go through with it (AGAIN).... I'm such a girl.. haha.. But I'm going to the mall with friends on saturday and I've been pretty excited for that all week. This week has gone by super slow it seems... sucks... I've been working on painting and I feel like I'm getting a lot better.. but I don't know. I really want to give the painting to you because it's your favorite band... but would it be creepy? is it even your favorite band anymore? I don't know.. theres so many things that have changed within you and that could just be something else I don't know about you. I hate how she has changed you... I really am glad you're loyal but WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHOOSE THIS RELATIONSHIP TO BE LOYAL AND NOT OURS??!??!?! ughhhhh!!!!! I seriously can't even describe or repeat enough to make it obvious how pissed I am about this... I tried my hardest with you but whatever.. I've been having to distract myself with books to get my mind off of everything, which has been working pretty great. Books are such a little world of their own, it's really great.. you just forget everything and BECOME that character and you feel their emotions and everything, thats the sign of a great author... but the book I'm reading is almost done and the third book doesn't come out for a while D: I'm not prepared to wait! anyways.. enough ranting I guess.. gonna go do latin homework.. joy!