Chasing Changes

Chasing Changes,

So I'm not sure how I can just sum up all of the crazy that has been going on lately, but I guess I will try. School is starting soon, I'm still dieting with my mom, we have been doing pretty good. We are going to Galveston this weekend to take my brother back to college.. We got two new kittens, and sold Sika. I'm working on selling my snake but not sure if I will get any takers. The kittens are Savannah and Sahara, I paid 200$ each for them, broke my savings completely to get them but hopefully I will make some of that money back in good time.. I applied at sonic today, not sure if I will get a job there but it never hurts to try right? OH! I started having back pain flare ups really bad, I had to quit my job at subway.. They refused to move me to days and I was tired of working pre-closing, breaking my back to do heavy lifting and stuff that my chiropractor said I shouldn't do, so my mom scheduled a appointment with a spinal surgeon on the 27th to go get stuff checked out. My other doctor said he didn't see anything on my x-ray though so we are yet to have any idea what is causing the pain, nothing serious I hope.. I got a MRI a few days ago, that was fun .. sitting in a machine for 40 minutes haha I just kind of let my mind wander.. and of course it wandered to Frank and then to Wil and I just made myself sad thinking about all of the stuff that has changed. Me and Frank are doing better now, we stopped talking for about a week but I texted him again and he's all moved into his apartment and doing better, I don't think I will come on so strong every again though. Wil was texting me a few days ago too and was telling me that he'd move back closer when I got my own apartment, and thats what I was up all night thinking about.. I didn't know what to do for college all of a sudden, just all of a sudden I got this huge thought in my mind that I should change everything.. just study my basics in Texas and not have to financially challenge my family so soon while my brothers in college as well, I just didn't know.. cause then if I stayed here I would be with Wil.. but I never EVER wanted to base my plans around a guy, cause who knows how well we will stay together until January when I graduate.. and even then, I don't have a job currently to even afford a apartment unless I moved in with Ashley and Corbin like she was suggesting. But god, another thing happened with Ashley last night.. which is what just made me hate her in the first place, (If you read this, sorry boo it's my diary), She just acts like her relationship is SO perfect, that they are eachothers soulmates and going to be together forever and get married and everything is going to work out so perfectly.. but in life that is so rare and she won't listen to any reason, and that is why we stopped talking in the first place.. because she was so love struck that she didn't pay attention or care about what anyone said about the risks of planning your entire life around some guy.. but you know it's whatever, I stopped talking to her last night before I got too pissed because I can't stand to talk to someone who thinks that they're always right and don't want to even pretend to listen to reason.. Especially since i've been exactly in her position but noooo we're "different people" and "have dated different guys", surely nothing will happen to her and him.. nope nothing.. cause life always goes exactly as planned.. Ugh anyways. I don't know what else is going on really.. John is begging me to come down to florida for college, I don't think he has really fully realized that if I wanted to be with him, I would, but I don't and I never will.. I know that sounds so harsh but he has no qualities that I want in a guy, at all.. and that is Kaitlyn's cousin, how creepy would that be if we got together, she would have to be at our wedding! Agghghhhhhh I am like cringing from just the idea of that.. No no no no nNoNO. I've been talking to Connor too, but he is going into the navy or marines or whatever, isn't even going to our school this year, But it's kind of hard to tell someone thats MY reason for not dating them, sounds selfish right? But It would be a long distance relationship and he could die, no I couldn't handle that.. He's a nice guy.. Not for me though. Oh.. and about school, I graduate in january officially.. I have aquatic science, goverment, english and then foundations of college math, how fun.. I hate having math at the end of the day but I have a friend in it so hopefully I won't struggle too hard.. OH and I also had a huge change and took out my tongue piercings and my snakebites, and got my nose done instead, I'm not sure what made me want to change everything so quickly and so suddenly but I enjoy it.. I feel like I don't look so punkish and I just look more myself I guess. I don't know, I kind of miss them but they were just in the way, always terrified of them falling out and stuff like that. My nose piercing didn't hurt at all, maybe a 2/10 pain.. I ripped it out accidentally while showering last night though, OW! That one didn't feel good at all haha I need to be more careful but I had gotten soap in my eyes ack  >.<, Everything else will all of my friends is going ok I guess, I haven't talked to too many people over the summer.. I don't know if that will change when school starts either actually.. I feel like this year is going to be very very very lonely...

Torturing Myself

Torturing Myself,

So as of now I don't really know what's going on. I'm dieting with my mom currently, doing pretty well on that.. just working and waiting for the summer to end but dreading when it does.. Everything seems to be okay.. Me and Frank were doing pretty well but he's not texting me as much anymore, hard to get him to even respond sometimes.. I don't feel like I should waste my time anymore. I wish Wil was here. He called me two days ago, just updated me on what was going on with his life. It was nice to hear his voice and him tell him that he loves me. He is my second love, and that I know very well now. He's not going to be my last love.. but he is someone I will never forget even though our lives have been parted from eachother. He was the first guy after Daniel to show me that I was worth something and I deserved to be happy. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine.. I didn't worry about losing him ever, he always called me beautiful and held me and kissed me and made me feel loved, he always texted me and called and wanted to be with me and do the little things, go out on dates, and make me happy when I was feeling down. I wish he would come back. Did I already write about that? I don't know... I got a new fish tank today! Spent 153$ on it so far, haven't bought the fish yet though haha.. That's all my hard earned money but it's what I've been wanting lately. So I guess I thought I should spoil myself because nobody else is going to spoil me! I'm not quite sure what direction I want to go with my life right now. I'm not desperate, but I feel alone. I want to feel loved, I don't like only hearing from Wil every now and then, I want him to call me everyday and make me feel like he's actually here when I know he's not.. and the sad thing is, he's not going to be visiting.. like ever. I hate always falling for the wrong people, when am I ever going to learn.. Never I guess. I'm not even sure why I write these blogs anymore honestly, they don't comfort me, they just make me review my life and realize that I'm going back and forth, not going anywhere.. I'm never going anywhere.. I swear if I have to stay in this town forever, I'm going to be so pissed. All the people are just the same here, nobody is real, everybody is just fake and desperate to get laid.. can't find anybody worth anything now-a-days, nobody wants to commit to one girl and fall in love, they just want to have sex then pack their shit and get out as soon as possible.. I wish the world wasn't like that. I don't want to kiss on our first date, I want to wait, for everything, I want to be slow. Because if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, why rush through everything? The more you do things, the more you take them for granted and thats my problem in life. I still take things for granted, even though I shouldn't.. even though I realize I do. But I take for granted that there are guys in my life that love me and would do anything for me, but they are just not enough. I am not picky with guys, I mean I don't like to think I am.. but there are just some requirements that if you don't meet, you don't pass. I will never be able to long distance date, nobody will ever be able to get that commitment and faithfulness out of me, just impossible.. I am way too physical and needy and dependent of a person to do that. I need somebody here with me NOW, not a i'll see you every few months, few weeks or even a few days relationship. I need to know that if I was sick and needed you there that instant, you could be there in a few minutes or a hour or something. I just need that type of comfort in my life, because I hate feeling so alone like I do right now. That if I were to scream and cry, nobody would be here.. because nobody is here.. I can text and text and text but what else can I do if nobody responds? Where does that leave me? Where does that leave me and Frank? We are falling apart and it's just ridiculous. I'm tired of being the only goddamn one trying to make things work, and I shouldn't have to keep doing this.. I'm torturing myself.. absolutely torturing myself.. but I'm also joking myself if I think I can find a new guy that thinks I'm attractive and would want to be with me that could fit my requirements.. I am just batshit crazy. I'm going to be alone forever.. and that thought scares me to death. 

Pulling Away

Pulling Away

          So I should honestly stop lying to myself, I always tell myself that I'm going to write more frequently but then when the time comes to it, or something interesting happens in my life, I always put off telling my blog or diary or whatever this is about it, Maybe because I know that I will get over it eventually and I won't be upset about it forever and it's not worth mentioning or something.. I don't know. But anyways, Since my last blog me and Frank have worked everything out until today.. We've been arguing all day basically just about stupid stuff and he just says "Bye" and says he'll talk to me later or whatever.. but he told me something that just ruined my whole day.. he said that during the three weeks that me and him stopped talking (so like the end of June, beginning of July), after we broke up he slept with some girl... and I was just honestly.. dumbfounded... like there were just no words I could say, I was in utter shock and I just couldn't believe that wil did that to me and then frank did that to me TOO? really? Ridiculous. He just kept saying that it was because he was hurt after our break up and blah blah, but what the hell is up with these guys. I don't care how hurt you are, you don't go sticking your dick into any willing girl's vagina just because you think it will make you feel better.. like how is that going to let you win that person back? Wouldn't that just push them farther away from you? Cause I take that as a , you don't love me enough to stay faithful to me even in times of need, so why should I be with you ever again if you can find comfort in some other girl? And I guess maybe that's just my thinking because I did that.. after me and Daniel broke up, I seeked comfort in other guys that I couldn't even think twice about being with anymore now and I felt so bad for doing that, it was stupid and what did that accomplish? It didn't make me feel any better about the break up, I wasn't any less hurt and I was just more guilty and felt disgusting.. like I had been tainted in a way that I couldn't get off of me.. and I know that sex can just be sex sometimes but seriously.. there is more to sex than just sex.. you have to kiss that person, touch them, let them touch you, in every intimate way that is only supposed to be by lovers.. and to let a stranger, or somebody that you don't love.. do that to you... how is that nothing? How does that mean NOTHING in a guys eyes? I know sex isn't as special to guys as it is to girls.. but if you have so much meaningless sex with random girls, how is it ever going to be meaningful with the RIGHT girl? You just wear yourself out and it becomes just another part of life.. It's supposed to be important and special and passionate with your partner.. just some sweaty floppy spur-of-the-moment thing.. I'm just.. I can't even begin to know why I deserve this.. I don't know how I end up meeting these shitty guys that don't even begin to treat me the way I want to be treated.. the way that I believe I should be treated... anyways, but before all of that.. I flew out to Florida to go see my old friend John, I don't know if I've ever written about him honestly, but he's a close friend.. but the First night I was there we got into a text fight and he ended up spending 220$ to change my flight to leave on the 26th instead of the 31st.. but before my flight in the morning, he came home and we worked it out and it wasn't a fight anymore and he begged me to let him change the flight back but all I had on my mind was that I wanted to get home and be with Frank and see him and be loyal to him, even if we aren't dating.. I care about him so much, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a backlash from the breakup with wil... ANYWAYS off topic sorry. But yeah, John begged and begged and begged and was like close to tears trying to get me to stay, but I ended up getting to the airport and leaving and I was so sad during my flight but I knew it was for the best.. or at least I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, to come back home to my boring Texas and my boring family and my boring job.. I gave up the vacation of the summer.. but I guess it doesn't matter.. right? Just one more year to freedom, 5 months to graduation.. I can make this, I can do this.. I can get through anything if I believe.. and one day it will look up for me, but right now all I can do is sit here and miss all the people who have walked out of my life and will never come back.. and how much of that was my fault.. I thought of Alex for the first time in a LONG time the other day, he got a car and a license and hes working on trying to date a new girl, I didn't talk to him directly of course but I heard from Ashley.. I'm glad.. I was so worried that he wouldn't ever get out of the stump he was in. I really broke his heart, but it was never supposed to be that way.. I set my sights to never break any hearts like Daniel broke mine and all I do it seems anymore is break hearts left and right, but it's because nobody is good enough for me.. I'm so picky and the second that I get comfortable with my decision in the person I want to be with, something changes, they change, I change, the situation changes, they move.. Time can stop repeating itself again because I'm getting real sick of it. I don't want to keep typing, but I'm upset and I don't know if this is going to ever help me but I want to know what I was thinking when I come back and read this later.. so I'm going to tell you, I feel like shit. I feel like my love is never going to be enough, not for frank, not for wil, or for daniel or anyone.. and I'm doomed to just live my life settling with the guy that I can't love. And that is what scares me the most. I don't want to settle like my mom did.. They worked out perfectly, but you can tell that she would be happier with someone else, she wouldn't have to had used a sperm donor, she would know that her kids were a product of love and not fake fertilization.. I wonder if my dad ever thinks about that actually, wishes that maybe he would have married somebody who never wanted kids.. OH! Forgot to mention that we were GOING to move, but at the last minute the buyers pulled out of the sale and my parents decided to keep the house, bummer.. Got my hopes up, but nothing new with being let down..