Utterly Trapped,
Honestly that is all I feel right now.. Trapped. I have this guy that wants to give me the world and I won't take that offer. I can't tell him I love him, I can barely tell him I like him.. because I have this hope that I will be with my ex and even I know deep down that it won't happen but that hope it never goes away.. He is perfectly happy with his fiance.. planning on studying architecture and going to community college and then CSU.. and
I'm happy he knows his future, I want nothing but the best for him
but I can't lose that one shred of hope and it's fucking killing me..
I want to be his future. I want to be his wife. I want to have kids with him. I want to get matching tattoos so everyone else knows we are eachothers.. and he can't even stand to have a simple chat with me. He's even here in Texas visiting till Sunday and we haven't spoken to eachother... Sometimes I wonder what she has that I don't but then I just remember that she's skinnier, prettier, probably sweeter, everything I'm not.. and I can't compete with that and who the hell would want me? Nobody.. and I hope nobody ever wants me because I rather be alone than to pretend to love someone that I don't fully 100% love and I just don't know if I will ever feel this way about someone else again.. and that is so scary.. I don't see a future with anyone else.. and hell I don't even see a future at all.. All I can see is just blank.. and last night was so scary. too many things happened and it was the worst I've ever felt.. I had to leave my friends house because I just wanted to be alone (Got my license btw yay!) and just ended up breaking down and crying for hours and couldn't stop and just had to pour my heart to anyone who asked and nights like those make me question if I ever changed at all.. but I know I have.. and I don't know why I got pulled down so easily.. I guess it's just the fact that I was texting my ex from my friends phone and I asked if his fiance was pregnant (he thought it was my friend texting him) and he said "haha no shes not alyssa" and that really hurt.. one because thats a slap to the face.. I never intentionally tried to get pregnant with him but he thinks I did.. but I did want a family with him because I loved him so much and if thats such a crime well then I am a terrible person.. and second because I can't even have kids naturally.. if I ever want to get pregnant I'd have to go through pregnancy hormones with a doctor and crap and it makes me feel like so much less of a woman because of that.. I mean I was born as a female and females are supposed to be able to reproduce and I can't.. well I mean I can just not without help and that reallllllyyyyyyyyyy sucks.. he doesn't even know that about me because I found out like a month or two ago (though I had a hunch after the second time of having sex with him). I wonder why I just can't put A and B together.. that he doesn't love me and will never love me again.. I feel alone as ever honestly.. I have a car and a license now and I should be going out and seeing friends and being a fun teenager but all I want to do is lock my bedroom door, turn off all the lights and sit on the floor and be alone.. I don't ever want to eat again or drink again or get up again or anything.. just be alone, quiet and simple and stay like that for the rest of my life.. sigh.. I just don't.. know.. and I don't know if I will ever truly know. I don't even know the question anymore honestly. but I do know that I never want to fall in love again.. and I have spent this last year building up the tallest fucking brick wall of my life to make sure I never get hurt again.. but for my ex I would tear it all down if he would ever come back to me.. but he won't.. Why would he come back to me? He wouldn't.
