An Update,
WOW, It has been absolutely so long since I have written everything, I would say that it was because I have been busy but that is a lie, I think I just forgot and I think I just haven't had any way to explain what is going on in my life. Well for the first time in a long time, I am happy. I am really really happy. I just started dating a new guy named Justin, he lives an hour away from me but he is amazing. We have only been dating for two weeks (as of today) but so far he is everything that I could ask for in a guy. I finished my first semester of college, I failed chemistry. I took a summer class in English and I passed that. I have a new job working at a restaurant in the casino, I haven't started actually working yet but I had orientation today and classroom for the next week to learn the menu and everything. I got my first two tattoos, they were pretty painful on the back of my thighs but definitely worth it, I am in love with them. I got my belly button pierced, I have my snakebites back, and I took out my second nose piercing. So many changes, but I am very pleased with where my life is going and I know this blog has seen a fair share of my ups and downs but I really hope from now that it is all ups. I am still bipolar, I have had cutting relapses, I have starved myself, I've been hurt, I've lost friends since I have blogged last. All of that has not changed, but I am trying to learn to feel better and deal with things as they come and just not let them ruin everything. If I am sad, I'm trying to just hide my feelings and wait until they pass instead of fighting and messing up the relationship I am in. I really hope that this is the relationship that will lead to a marriage. I don't know how I could be so serious about him so soon but literally he is the only guy who has made me want to change myself for the better, I have no thoughts of cheating on him, I don't have eyes for anybody else, I wouldn't want anybody else and I just can't believe that I found him and he likes me just as much as I like him. I want to say that I love him but honestly I feel like that is too soon and it would be silly of me to go out and confess my love so soon. We have a very complicated relationship. I don't know if I want to post it here. I don't know if I want anybody to know. I don't know if it's something that you just don't tell people or something people don't want to know, so I won't post it yet because honestly it doesn't matter and it doesn't change my feelings for him. I just hope that he won't leave me and I hope that I don't end up pushing him away eventually with how up and down in my moods I am. He is something really good that has walked in to my life. As for other friends/ex boyfriends/etc. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. Me and Wil are completely over, we were back and forth for so long and I am just officially done. I deleted his mother off of Facebook, I didn't want her messaging me telling me to talk to him because he is upset or something like she usually does. I can't find the heart to delete him off of Facebook but he texts me every now and then and asks me how I am.. I wish he didn't, I don't have any more feelings for him and I don't know if I ever did. I used to think I loved him, but I think I was just so afraid of being alone that I had to create fake feelings to make him happy. I know that I used to love Daniel for sure, I would have given the world for him and I still love him but I am not in love with him, He is somewhat a friend but that is weaning with how hateful he has been towards me for dating someone new, I don't know if it's because he's tired of being alone or he just doesn't want to see me happy if he's not happy or what. I can't stress over that though, I don't want to stress about anything. I stress anyways, about everything but if I can save myself the stress of dealing with other people who don't want the best for me, I can do that for myself at least. I just feel really weird of the fact that each relationship is a different feeling, I don't feel the same way about every guy that I have dated, the love is different each time and I really think that is something that everyone should pay attention to. You can love someone, but you will never love them like you loved another person. The feelings are different, the situation is different, the person is different, and you are different as well. You may not feel the difference that each relationship creates inside of you, but it does, and it grows and it tweaks you with each fight, with each moment of sweet words that makes your heart flutter.
