Days Passing

Days Passing,

So these days seem to get longer and longer, things aren't changing, I only see the days passing on and on and it's almost February 1st. I'm going to wait till you post on your Facebook about coming to see people, and then I will text you or call you or something. When you're actually IN Texas though, god help me if I talk to your "fiancee" again I will go ape shit on her. I've noticed I use a lot more profanity now in my blogs, but I cuss in real life too. So maybe that means I'm getting more comfortable with expressing my soul, etc. Valentines day is coming up too.. I know I'm going to be alone.. Haha.. I don't even quite remember valentines day last year, I know I got gifts for all of my friends, we were still dating but I don't think you really got me anything, I think you did, chocolates or something. But yeah.. I think I'm going to go to the mall and pick up your birthday present, I don't care if you don't want it. I guess I can use it when I get my snakebite piercings if you don't want to see me to actually receive the gift. Is that kind of a guilt trip though? Am I being manipulative? Making him see me so he can get his gift? I don't know.. I would get it for him anyways even if I didn't see him, just so he knows I didn't forget and that I was thinking about him, etc. I guess I can drop it off at his house if he allows me.. but I have my hopes set low so I don't get disappointed if he says he isn't allowed to see me or whatever. Things seem to be looking up in every situation except relationships. Oh! Anyways, Why I chose this photo.. I really believe that we need to just sit down and talk about everything, and this isn't just with ONE person, this is with a few of my friends actually.. cause a lot of things are confusing me and you know, I hate being confused.. I was thinking in the shower (random topic change) that I'm pretty sick and tired of people thinking they're so cool, and hot, and sexy, and bad ass, and stuff like that when TONS of people hate you and I don't even remotely like you. Yeah.. You need to just stop.. I can't handle stupidity and I can't handle ignorance like that. February should be a GREAT month, lots of birthdays, but that also means tons of gifts to buy. All well.. It's worth it right? to see your friends smile? Well crap. I just remembered I have to go read like 5 chapters of a book for homework, so this is about wrapping up my blog for tonight at least, I'm trying to keep it updated and everything but it's hard because some nights I just sit down and try to write but there's just nothing that comes out and I just give up. Or sometimes I just don't have a picture to match what I'm feeling and I just won't write anything, simply because I feel each blog needs its own picture, Silly right? but it feels like my signature or something. I kind of want to start adding what my favorite song is of the day or something like that and see how much it changes and blah blah, anyways. On a side note today, I've been thinking about going to Italy a LOT today, I spoke to my food science teacher and she has been to Italy! So fascinating to me~!! I learned that they speak a lot of english there and that is just fantastic news. I was scared I was going to have to be an expert in Italian or something.. cause we all know that's not going to happen haha.. I'm failing Latin 2 with a 69... Yup.. But yeah.. I feel like I should have my kids in Italy first because if I have them in the U.S. they'll grow up with the unhealthy foods and atmosphere and life and it'd be hard to just uproot them into a totally new continent, country, city, etc. But yeah. Those are my thoughts today. ~ 

Broke Patience

Broke Patience,

I literally broke my patience today. I called you, and you answered. You said we couldn't talk yet I insisted, and you handed the phone to her. We talked and all she kept repeating was "Respect my wishes." I wanted so badly to scream at her and say "Fucking Bitch! RESPECT MY FEELINGS, I LOVE HIM." but No.. I kept my head leveled and everything, I didn't cuss or scream or yell or cry. She said she'll call back in a month or sooner and tell me if I can talk to him or not. I don't even know what that means.. Does that mean shes going to break up with him in a month or what? Why is this waiting game so important to her? I don't understand and I'm not going to pretend to understand. All I could do was grit my teeth and say Yes, I respect your wishes and I'll wait. (basically till you decide to end my happiness or let me keep it) She said that she trusted him with all his heart, but I was like.. Why don't you trust him enough to talk to me? and she said Because they made a promise, to stop talking to one person the partner chose and that was me.. She chose me for him to stop talking to. I just want to be his friend, nothing more (I would love more, but we have to play HER game).. Girls can be such fucking bitches. She rubbed in my face that basically she was more important to him and that she was in his life and they were going to get MARRIED soon. I desperately wanted to chew her out but you know, I let it go, and I let her have that satisfaction. Because I know deep down in my heart they won't get married and if they do get married, they won't last a single year. I'm just about done ranting. I'm cooking up some spells, I've never done one before so hopefully this will go nicely and smoothly. Just need to get the supplies. I'm tired and stressed. She also kept calling me "hunny" which in my book is not okay. I do not want to be called hunny when you feel like using that cute name is going to calm me down or something. I don't honestly understand what is so wrong with a friendship with your ex-boyfriend? I don't feel like there should be any awkwardness if you can make up and be friends and forget the past, there should be no reason you have to lose out on a fantastic person like that. It doesn't matter if one person still has feelings for them, all that matters is that there is a mutual agreement to stay friends and that's that. That really shouldn't be so hard, but I guess when you're engaged and so controlling and desperate to manipulate your boyfriend, you do whatever it takes. But that is honestly how I see her now, she is controlling him. And I know maybe that he can make his own decisions and just stand tall to her and tell her no and not do her every bidding but I don't know. I feel like he has changed so much and I don't know who he is anymore, because it's obvious he has told us both two different stories. He told her that he didn't want to talk to me, but he told me that he COULDN'T talk to me because of her, and he enjoyed talking to me, I know he did. We laughed and we got out our secrets and we let out our feelings and angers and frustrations to each other.. and that's what I really need sometimes. I feel so much more relaxed when I can rant to the guy that I'm upset about and hear his reaction than rant to a friend and them just having to be sympathetic and not fully understand and not ever fully give me the satisfaction i'm looking for by ranting.

But Truthfully

But Truthfully,

Sometimes I wish that I had 

never met you

then there would be no need to impress you

No need to want you. No need for loving you.

No need for crying over you. No need for

heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No

need for forgotten promises. No need for

rejected calls. No need for crying myself

to sleep. No need for acting like you care.

No need, for everything you've done to

make me feel like absolutely nothing.

But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. Cause

you were the one who always asked me if

anything was wrong. You were the one who

loved me for me. The one who cared

when everyone else didn't. The one who listened.

The one who stayed up late just to talk about 

the randomest shit ever. You were the one

who I told secrets to. The one who taught

 me new things. The one who laughed at my

bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.

But truthfully,

I just wish you would talk to me.

and not always pretend that I'm not here. 

Because I am, and I always will be.

Even when you don't need me. I'll be waiting.

Forever, if that is what it takes.

Lacking Love

Lacking Love,

This week has been busy, and I've been wanting to get so many things done but there just doesn't seem to be a break between the homework and dieting and needing to sleep. I haven't really had time to stop and think about my feelings and write a blog and everything, which isn't the end of the world but I like to put all of my thoughts down and be able to remember what I was thinking about. I'm super stressed right now and tight for cash, It really sucks, I feel like I finish one thing, just to have more things piled on top of me. I have so many birthdays and valentines items to buy for people, and I have absolutely money, it's awesome *sarcasm*. I'm trying to be the best person that I can be and smile and laugh and be happy but there's just crap always nagging me in the back of my head, I'm not sure what it is, but I have a pretty thorough guess. I think the main reason is because you're going to be visiting in early February, and I know you're not going to go out of your way to contact me and try to hang out with me, because I'm not important to you, and that just.. saddens and angers me at the same time. I swear every single song I listen to, I can relate the lyrics to how much I miss you and love you, Music is hard to listen to because there are so many reminders of you. Life in general is really great, going good but can easily be seen as lacking without you. It's like half of yourself is missing, and you have to re-learn to see around the bad and make situations happy. I hate that every day without talking to you, we grow farther apart, I hate that you didn't try to save our friendship, and I hate that you valued a girl you've known for almost 5 months, over me. A girl you have known for a year and 1 month, and yes, I am counting. I had a dream that you came back to me, because she cheated on you, you felt the sadness but you admitted that there was never a day where you didn't think about me, I don't know what dreams mean, maybe someday it'll come true? I have no clue. Why the fuck are you such the perfect guy for me? and why can I not see anybody but YOU? Why does everybody remind me of YOU? You're everywhere in my life except HERE. Should I just push harder and try to contact you again and MAKE you talk to me? I don't know.. I just want to stay updated in your life, I don't want to be pushed to the corner and thrown a blanket over like I'm nothing. I want to be there, and I want to help and I want to know whats going on. My mind goes in so many directions when I don't know whats going on, I don't know if y'all are fighting or perfectly happy and it's confusing. At least when we spoke, I had a general idea of what was going on. But now I'm left in the blue and thrown into my own world, with my own messes and it sucks royalty. I know this whole blog is about my complaining but goddamn, aren't they all? I'm happy it's almost the weekend at least..But it's hard to get too hopeful that the future is going to change, because everyday that NOTHING has changed, adds on to my fear that nothing will ever change. There will be no great revelation inside of you, and there will be no you wanting me back. Holy fuck can some god, any god, or any higher being or whatever just give me a sign? a CLEAR sign.. something I can understand and know that there is hope for the future.. that I will fall in love with someone new, or rekindle my old relationship. Blahhh. I just want to know. But doesn't everybody? I strive to be different but honestly I'm just like everybody else. Maybe a little more crazier, and sadder then others but... Never mind, I don't even know what makes someone "different".. We're all different in our own ways, we can like different bands, foods, etc. There will never be ONE person exactly like the other, there will be the same looks and personalities but their individual tastes for things, will never be completely the same, sometimes maybe close but never the same. So we're all different, but we can all be easily classified into just a few categories. Haha. What would my classification be? Crazy heartbroken teen that's crying over her ex? Sounds about right. Anyways, I quit for today. I just want to sleep and never wake up until things are back in order and I can be happy. 

What Happened

What Happened,

I feel so unimportant. I haven't texted to you or talked to you all day. Nor did I yesterday I guess, but today at least I didn't even try to talk to you. You know.. I'm trying to believe that if you wanted me in your life, you'd make an effort. So I'm just going to lay low and I'm not going to push you to do anything you don't want to do. If you are happy with your life, that's great, I may not be in it but if that's the way you want it, that is the way it shall be. And I guess whatever happens, happens. If you finally open your eyes, I'll always be here and you'll always have a way to contact me. These days just kind of pass by in blurs now, Everything is on repeat to me. I really feel like I don't make a difference in anyone's life. Nobody NEEDS me really. Nobody depends on me to be there for them. I'm just kind of here. I'm just that "one girl who's heartbroken over her ex." I'm not special in anyway, sure I can draw better then average but that is really it. I'm not smart, I'm not beautiful, I'm not important. I care about my friends and that's just about it. and I only have one best friend. But she doesn't open up to me, so what am I supposed to do? I can't give any advice, I can't be a good friend if I have no clue what's going on. Seriously.. What the fuck happened to my life? I thought it was going perfectly (when the depression was subsided) but now it's just gone to hell literally. I lost all my friendships, my boyfriend, the closeness to my family, my grandma is gone, my cousin and I barely talk, I'm super stressed, heartbroken, struggling over just the simplest things. I feel just so weighed down, like my chest is just carrying a ton of bricks on it and I can't escape from it and I can't get them off of me. I'm not sad, or depressed, more just.. waiting and wishing and feeling invaluable and broken. And that's really what I am, I'm broken. I am damaged property and maybe guys can sense it? I have no clue. I'm just ready to get another thirty pounds off and maybe my air of confidence and self-esteem will go up and people will notice, I don't know. I just want to run away sometimes I swear, I don't want to be here, I just want to get a concussion or something and forget everything because I don't want to remember anything. If the whole past was just erased and blank to me, that'd give me a blank canvas, not in anyone else's mind but at least in my mind and that's all I need. It'd be hard re-learning relationships and stuff but still. Oh my god, I'm crazy. I'm rambling. I think about stuff too much that would never in a million years happen. It sucks. I wish I could think more realistically, I wish I could just tell myself, "No, You're not going to get into medical school like you want, No you're never going to find "that" guy, No you're never going to see yourself as beautiful, No your problems are never going to go away, No he'll never come back to you, and No the feelings will never be returned." I think those are more realistic, Instead of thinking that I'm going to do the best in life and he's going to come back to me, etc. Sigh. Life is puzzling, and confusing. It goes by so fast if you think about it though. I can't believe it honestly sometimes. But every single day that goes by that I'm single, my fears of being single for the rest of my life increase, Why can I not see myself marrying anyone? Why can I not see myself happy? I really don't get it. I know what I want in life, but am I going to get it? I'm not sure.. 

Wake Up

Wake Up, 

I know I've told people in my life, you have to pick who's important in your life, over the ones that aren't. Does this mean that you have already picked? Because that's what it seems like. Everything is falling apart at the edges and it scares me. Some days I feel like I can do this, I can be over him, I can let myself live without him, but some days I feel like I can't do anything without him, everything reminds me of him, I love him, I will never be able to let him go. My mind is confused I guess. My feelings are jumbled and I can't describe it. Am I seriously waiting for nothing? Have I been holding on for absolutely nothing? Have I just been wasting my tears and time on you? Please just show me you're not like every other guy. Please be different. You need to wake up and open your eyes, I don't believe that you've fallen in love with someone else. I believe you just covered up and masked the heartbreak with someone else and that you still love me deep inside. It's possible that it's VERY deep inside you but none the less, it's still there. I don't want to damage your relationship with her but dammit, Just text me back and at least tell me what she said. I know what the news is already by the way you're ignoring me but I want to at least hear it from your voice or words or whatever. Is that too much to ask? Love is confusing. I'm just going to sit here and wait for a prince charming to sweep me off my feet I guess. Whether it be you or not, I can only hope that he's as sweet and loving and caring as you USED to be. I'm almost excited to find someone new, if it'll ever happen, maybe then someone can teach me how to love and be loved properly. That would be fantastic. Just like my feelings, my future seems confused too, Sometimes I think that the future is bright and a bunch of things are just waiting to happen but sometimes I also feel like it's not going anywhere and never will and I'm just waiting on nothing. but I like to live by this saying "All it takes is 20 seconds of extreme courage" and basically you can do anything, I heard it in a movie, haha I have no clue which movie, nobody sue me. But yeah, It's true. If you can suck up just pure courage for 20 seconds and ask out the guy you think is cute, you can get so much in life! That's all it really takes. but gathering all that courage is the hard part no doubt. but think about it and that saying is very true, sometimes 20 seconds is all you need. I don't feel like writing a lot today, Too many things to think about and not enough to think about them! 

Whoever you are, Please just walk into my life already. And if you're already here, make yourself stand out to me. Thanks.

Your Words

Your Words, 

Do you still remember this poem? 

You wrote it for me.

I wish you still felt like this.

With a soul so pure,

and a love so sweet,

I've fallen for her,

and she's swept me off my feet,

Every second,

of everyday,

I'm thinking of her,

and I can't get away,

Our love is strong,

and will get better,

there is no doubt in my mind,

that we are perfect together,

I will hold you tight,

and never let go,

she's got eyes of crystals,

and a heart of gold,

Lord you have put here, 

and that I do know,

its to love the one girl,

and prove that my heart she does hold,

she's stolen my heart,

since my heart beat's first start,

I'm yours,

now and forever, 

like I said once before,

We are perfect together.

My Heart

My Heart, 

So glad that I just get to stay home for a few days and not have to stress about looking pretty in the morning or anything, I love weekends. I spoke to my brother for about 2 hours last night, and I've never quite realized how actually smart my brother is, he has some ideas that confuse me, and he has some arrogance and will get annoyed quickly but still he has the best advice in the world. He made me think, He asked me something that I hadn't thought about, nor anyone had thought about. He said .. "Why are you chasing after a emotionally abusive relationship? Is that what you really want?" and I was like dumbfounded but honestly the only answer I could say was "That is what I'm used to." and that's true. That is all I have ever known, is a relationship where the guy is not faithful, will lie and hurt me and make me cry. I'm not saying that I like that, I want a relationship that I can be loved and cared for and nourished. But it's more a choice of what I think I deserve, and what I want. And I guess it's my fault because I don't think that I deserve happiness in a relationship, I feel like my relationships are doomed. Like the above picture, you had a huge impact on my life and therefore, my heart will honestly never even be the same. I'm having trouble getting close to people, letting people know the real me, I don't feel like I'm ever going to be healthy in a relationship now because I'm so used to being treated the wrong way, how would I stop myself from reflecting my pain on the guy in the relationship? It's possible that I would take up my last partners commitment issues and mess up my own relationship. and I don't want that. and everyday when I look for a photo to use for my blog, I come across the picture of "Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely." And I honestly believe that's true. Everyone is always pushing me to just date someone else and fall in love with them like it's so easy to do that. I don't feel ready in any way shape or form to try and find someone new, yes it would help tremendously better to find a new guy and have my mind wrapped around somebody new, but how is that fair? I'd basically be using my partner as a tool to get over my ex-boyfriend. That would just make me feel like a bad person. I'm honestly just having second thoughts about everything. I don't even know anymore if what you told me during our entire relationship was true. We talked a few nights ago and you basically ripped my heart from me, and this is what I've been struggling with everyday. You have no idea how hard I sobbed and repeated those words to myself. You said "Even if I do dump "her", I will never go out with you again because it will be awkward." when I asked for further clarification, or basically to just use a better damn excuse, he said that he couldn't trust me. I can understand that but he seems like hes NEVER going to understand how much I've changed, I just need one chance, one night with you to talk face to face. That's all I ask for, I don't care how awkward it is, How odd and strange and weird it feels to even be near me. Please just do this one thing for me. I can prove to you that I'm not the same, and maybe you can actually forgive me, instead of just SAYING you forgive me. There is a difference. The hard part is just going to get you agree to this. You don't believe that people change. But they do, and it's about time that you attempt to change your thinking. You ruin a lot of friendships and relationships like that.

I'm trying to help you. Please listen.

Just Stay

Just Stay,

Today, I really don't feel like writing a blog and I also deleted last nights blog, so here is a short story/poem I wrote a few nights ago.

I know the hurt is still in your thoughts.
I can see you pace so timidly around the room.
Your eyes glance at me, I see you're troubled.
I take a step towards you, I want to fix this.
You panic and turn away, you don't want me.
instead, you wrap your arms tightly around her.
Shes been there when I wasn't.
I feel my eyes start to water.
I wanted that to be me.
You smile and say it's really better off this way,
that you love her and she makes you happy.
But all I can help but notice is her smirking lips.
She taunts me with my love for you,
she knows she has you wrapped around her fingers,
while I'm clawing trying to hang on.
I can barely manage to whisper,
"What happened to forever and always though?"
I can see his eyes lose their sparkle for a second, he frowns, and says
"It should have been just us. But that was your choice, you decided to make."
My eyelids are filled to the brim with tears and they finally fall down my face,
I stumbled closer,
"Why don't you believe my love for you?"
I fall to my knees in front of him.
He looks down on me, I can see him hesitate but answers despite his doubt,
"It was always fake"
I can't help but look at him in dismay.
I have to fight for our relationship,
"You believed the lies I said when I was angry, but you forgot the millions of times
that I've told you I loved you."
He glances at the girl in his arms, he sighs and kisses her on the lips softly.
then takes a look at me, seeing me really for the first time.
"I can't be with you anyways, please just understand.
I want you to be happy with someone else."
The tears continue to stream heavily down my cheeks,
we've had this conversation a dozen of times and it never gets us anywhere.
I force myself to stand up and look him in his eyes,
remembering all the times that I've seen his face close up when we were kissing.
"You are the one I want, I can't change my feelings for you.
I can only hope that one day you rekindle your love for me."
He shakes his head and I know his answer before he even says it.
"We were not meant for each other as a couple, but we can be friends."
I wipe the tears from my face and put on a fake smile.
This is what I will have to accept.
I start to turn around but pause.
"Just remember, when she leaves you, I'll still be here, with my arms wide open."
He seems to consider this but gives a half-smile,
"That won't happen but thank you, you're very thoughtful."
He takes the girls hand and walks off with her into the distance.
I stand, alone, as I have been since I lost him.
I start to get dizzy and clumsily sit down, my feelings are overloaded,
I wish I could get over him but hes the love of my life.
So I pull the knife out of my boot that I had been hiding.
I sigh and continue to cry, this is all I can do to, to keep the pain at bay,
as I put the knife to my wrists and carve his initials deep into my wrist.
I want this reminder here for the rest of my life.
I'm so focused on what I'm doing that I don't notice that he had turned back around
and is standing in front me.
I look up at him, to his ice blue eyes. He's crying.
He leans down next to me and grips the knife out of my hands, away from me.
"Please don't do this, You're better then this."
I smile at him,
"How can you say that? I'm not even good enough for you to love me."
His tears drips onto my face and mixes with my own.
"I love you but I'm with her."
I look down to my wrist, and see the blood pouring out. I hit a vein.
"That's how life is though isn't it? It's never fair and your feelings for me,
will almost never equal the ones for her."
His eyes close for a second, then open and I can see the desperation in his eyes.
He doesn't know who to pick. It's obvious.
"I'm sorry." he says.
"You wouldn't do this if you were sorry, please don't lie to me."
I begin to feel my life force fade and my eyesight flutters and blurs.
the blood is pooling around my legs and the floor.
I look at him and touch his cheek, smearing it with blood on accident.
I can see his fears tighten and wrap around his brain.
"Ill leave her for you, if you just stay."
I smile with weak eyes, but whisper,
"It's too late now, because I'm already gone."
He gripped my wrists hard but my vision had already darkened and I lost consciousness.
I never re-gained it.

I Remember

I Remember,

Nothing much happened today, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about you. I text you but you never respond, I can't decide if it's because you honestly forget to text back or if it's because you just don't want to talk to me or if it's because of her. But today, I was searching for a picture to add to my blog post and I found this one (above). It reminded me that I should probably talk about this subject. I really did love you, and that's true. You bring up this subject a lot, I know you doubt my love for you and you don't think I ever did truly love you, but I don't know how you can say that. You aren't in my mind, you don't know how I feel about you, you don't know how much my heart sparked and beat so fast every time you'd kiss me, or how happy I felt when you would just hold me in your arms and talk about the things bothering you, or when you'd always make me laugh and try to make me sit on your lap. I still remember the night that we sat in my backyard, sitting in separate chairs because we were fighting, our moms were discussing things inside but we didn't care, we just sat there and talked about everything that was troubling us, I sobbed so hard but it was really the best night of our relationship, I can't even remember what we talked about but I do remember how much I cared for you in that instant and how in love I was with you (and still am), I do remember however, that I reached over and I took your hand and I pulled you to me so that you'd sit next to me, you hesitated at first but you dropped your shields and wrapped your arms around me. You wiped the tears off of my face every time they fell. That was the sweetest thing that I still remember you did. You hated to see me cry, so you would wipe them away and kiss my lips to make me feel better. Fuck. We were perfect together, why am I the only one that sees that? and most importantly why can't you see that? I hate the girl you're with now, I know I shouldn't but I do, I'm so jealous of her because she has you. I don't think that shes a bad person or anything, I think she cares about you a lot, she's really pretty too, prettier then me, prettier then I will ever be even, she sounds really sweet, sounds like she cares for him, I think that it's possible she can manipulate him a little bit, she told him that she was going to leave him if he talked to me for crying out loud. but that's the only really bad thing I've noticed except, I think they rushed the relationship.. Engaged after about 4 months of knowing each other, and sex after about 1 month of knowing each other. I don't know what's going on in his mind, If he's completely blind to what hes doing, I really wish he would just wake up. I don't want him to wake up and realize the huge mistake he's in, because by then he'll have kids and the break-up would be very hard, or he might even feel trapped and not even try to leave. Or maybe I'm just trying to create problems where there are none, He might just honestly be happy with her, happier then he was with me. I have no clue, I can't just peek into his mind or anything, and I don't want to challenge his relationship with her either because that would make me look like a bad person. Anyways, today was my ranting blog instead of a "life lesson". All well. Today was a good day to reminisce. 

Releasing Pain

Releasing Pain, 

It's really silly when you take a second and stop to think about how easily relationships can be made or broken. but It's even sillier when you think about how much the word "love" is tossed around. Love is about sticking around with someone, through the good times and even through the bad. You can't just claim that you love somebody yet up and quit when things get bad. If you are not ready to commit to someone fully and completely do not say that you love them, use words like a "intense liking", because people take love seriously. I don't know what your real intention was when you told me you loved me, but I know it was so fake by the way you treated me today. I told you that people didn't want us hanging out, and you just acted impulsively, told me that you were never going to text me again. It took all of my strength not to just trash you right then and there but I knew that that's something I would have done in the past, and I'm not going to unnecessarily hurt someone even worse because they upset me. Just this one act of self-control has really helped me see that I am changing, I'm getting better at relationships and I'm figuring out that you shouldn't just spill all the hateful words you've been thinking towards someone all along because of one fight, because if you do that, then that's really the relationship ender, If you ever wanted to try and pick back things up and put the back together in the future, the hurt will be there lingering from the words you said, and It would have just been better to say nothing at all. I wish I could have told myself these words with my first relationship haha, I think it would have saved a ton of hurt feelings. But you know, losing you was not a big deal to me, we weren't the closest of friends anyways and you are a drug addict, completely dependent on drugs, you denied that you were addicted, but I think everyone knows you are. It doesn't matter if you "slowed" down on all the drugs, why not just quit them all together? What life is worth living if you can't even get up in the morning for school unless you're high or drunk and living in a different sort of reality. Anyways, Basically. I think that people need to learn that you have to be someone worth liking, and you have to like yourself or love yourself even, for someone else to love/like you back. You can't just expect somebody to love you for who you are, when you hate everything that you are. You have to be proud of who you are, if you have insecurities, work on them. I am. I'm going to lose this weight and be proud of myself when I look in the mirror again. Life is not a easy journey but if everything's not okay, its not the end yet. And I know my end is not for a long time because there are still things that really need to be worked out and fixed in my life. I really wish I could see into the future, even if I wasn't able to change anything, I just want to see whats coming for me. Moral of the story; Love who you are, and others will love you too. It's really as simple as that. 

You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else says. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder, don't take one persons view of you and make it seem like that's what everyone's opinion of you is, because that's how you trash your self-esteem, especially if that one person was mad at you, they will say anything to hurt you, and I know that from experience.

Seeing Beauty

Seeing Beauty,

Well, I'm glad that I'm not such a mess as I used to be. But I'm still hiding things, from everyone, really. I wish that sometimes I had never done what I did but I know someday that maybe I'll just forget and since nobody even knows, it will never come up again. We can only hope. But really, the only thing that is messing me up right now is you. I just want to scream at you and tell you how much I love you. I don't just want to be a friend or even a "close" friend, I want to actually mean something to you. I've always been here, waiting, watching, I'm trying to protect you from others and from yourself but it's only possible if you'd let me in. It's hard to just sit and watch from the sidelines, and not be able to intervene. I'm having split feelings, because this blog could be about two different people. But they are different types of loves, and I'm not sure which one could get me anywhere. Well if you look at it, hell it could be split in three different directions. But I know the true one, and I know the maybe one, and I know the one that will never go anywhere. But it's possible that all three could just go nowhere, so why do I waste my time thinking about this? None of them return the feelings, and it's possible they never will. Everyone good in this world seems to be already taken, but that's how it should be I guess. does that mean I'm not good? Hah, that's what it seems like truthfully. If people didn't judge a book by its cover so harshly, I think I could have so much more in my life. But since I'm not a size 0, platinum blonde, preppy girl, people will always overlook me. Maybe someday I'll be thin enough so that people will at least take a second glance at me and NOT in disgust. I want to be beautiful, but doesn't everybody? Beauty is the key to love I guess, nobody is going to want you if you're not thin, tall and gorgeous, at least that's what it seems to me. all the guys claim they love the "curves" but you don't see them asking out the girls with the "curves" now do you? They only chase after the twiggy little stick girls and that's just sad. You miss out on A LOT of good girls because you aren't interested in girls that actually eat food. I start my diet again on the 25th, I'm just basically trying to speed up time, I'm so ready to get rid of this weight. I don't know why, but I feel like it'd get me even closer to winning you back. You're going to be visiting in February and I pray to any god that will listen that you will be able to hang with me. I'll be thinner then the last time you saw me, but still not where I'd like you to see me at. I want you to be like SHOCKED. I want my face to be cleared up and everything but my god, is life ever even fair? It doesn't seem like it to me. It feels like the second I try to look forward to the future, my plans just get torn down and ripped apart, leaving me confused and heartbroken as ever. I swear the second I lay eyes on you, It will be so impossible to even look away for a millisecond, and even harder not to just hug you and squeeze you to death because I've missed you, and kiss you, that will be so hard not to do. I hope it's not awkward. I know how you feel about that. Another topic change, but really I want to get over my self-consciousness, i want to feel beautiful in my own damn skin and not have to care about what others will think. Plastic surgery can only fix so much. And I swear if anyone were to ever completely see me naked and point out every flaw, I would just have to shoot myself, that would destroy me. The love of my life, pointed out a few flaws because I provoked him, that was the worst decision of my life. I still have trouble looking in the mirror, sometimes I see beauty but most of the time, I see things that could be thinner, that could be changed, that could be enhanced, Even make-up can't make me feel beautiful, because it will never be able to hide how fat I am. Society has warped my thinking of the definition of beauty so much. 

Holding On

\\\\Holding On,////

Sometimes I feel like, things will go back to the way they used to be if I wait long enough. The days when everything was alright, there were no worries and no cares, it was just you and me. We were so madly in love, and nobody else in the world mattered. Time seemed to stop and stand still when we were together, when you held me so close. Then when the moment we had to part came, I wouldn't want to let you go. We'd end up having to rush to class because we stuck together till the very last moment, and then I'd text you and make sure that you made it there in time. Then every passing period, I'd be so excited to see you and hold you again, even if it was just for only a few minutes. I never worried about my friends, never worried what they thought about us, I never let anyone's judgments get to me. I knew that they could never understand what had overtaken me. You were everything I wanted and more, I could have never imagined anyone better for myself, than you.  I can't pinpoint when the problems started, but I wish I would have understood my feelings for you sooner then I did, I didn't know if I loved you, I wasn't sure if it was just infatuation. Everyone was just telling me that we were no good for each other, that we just wanted each other for sex. I didn't feel like that's what it was, but still I had no clue because I had never felt actual true love before. You are the one that taught me love, but you also taught me heartbreak. I know that we both made mistakes, and that we both had our issues. I wish that things could have been different, but wishing will do nothing. I'm never going to let him go, and I hope that my future boyfriend, husband, anyone that ever matters to me in the future, will understand. I fear that I will never give up my feelings for him. It's been months that we've been broken up and I still think about him everyday, I'm so glad that we're at least talking now and that I know he forgives me. But his forgiveness is so confusing, I told him just to leave it all in the past, don't let it follow you, don't let our past relationship and pain and things, affect how he sees me now. But I know it will, I know it will always cloud his judgement of me, and that is what hurts, That I could never possibly erase everything bad he thinks of me. I know if he could just fall in love again, the pain would be forgotten and I could have a second chance. But even if we did get into another relationship, I pray that I would be able to control things better then before, and not have a repeat of the first one. I have faith that it would be totally different, because of all the heartbreak and pain and suffering, I've had to go through, I believe I'm a stronger person and more emotionally capable of being in a relationship. It has taken some time but now I feel like I could be his perfect girlfriend. If only he'd give me a chance. If he wanted a second chance with me, I'd gladly give it to him. I've already forgotten all the pain and hurt that he has caused me. I only have the memories of the love and caring and kindness that he tried to give to me for the longest time, but i was not capable of accepting it. Now I am. Please hear my plea, and let me be the one girl that you never worry about leaving you. I've been dedicated to you since the first day, hasn't that been obvious?

 I am  completely in love with you.

Love Again

[Love Again,]

Today I spoke to my ex-boyfriend, We began dating on December 16th, 2010 and we broke up July 7th, 2011, and the pain is still there. I've had the feeling for awhile that these words would come from him.. but they hurt more when they were out in the open instead of in my thoughts, He said "I don't mind being a close friend but I think you hurt me too much to get back in a relationship, You said and did things that I have forgiven but the insidious trickery will always stick with me. The hurt will never go away." My hope of our future together is slowly fading, It's getting harder and harder to believe that he'll ever change his mind. All I can promise him is that I'll always be here as a friend, and hopefully some day he will change his mind and I can have my second chance. Why must letting go be so hard? I don't want this to be the end, I don't feel like I'll ever be as close to another person as I was with him. We met at the wrong time in my life, If only we had met after the depression was gone, He would have known me for me instead of the monster that was hiding the true me. He fell in love once, couldn't he just re-kindle those feelings? Or were they fake? Was he just trying to pity me? I can't grasp my head around whats going on anymore. All I know is that I care about him, more then I have for anyone in my entire life. Life could have been so different. I give people the advice to not let the past hold you back, but the past has me chained down. I let go of the pain, and the anger and the hurt, but the love has it's chains wrapped around me so hard and I can't break free, I can't let go. Is this a sign? I need some answers, from someone, anyone, please. I'm tired of waiting and wondering what's going on. I don't even see his faults anymore, I only see the good in him, his talents, his skills, He drives me crazy, he believes all the lies I told him to make the break-up process easier for him but now he won't believe the truth when I say it. I've made myself look horrible, like I lied the entire relationship. Nobody needs to even tell me how bad my past actions were, The words you say can be no worse then the ones I tell myself. I'm trying to cling to happiness but it is so hard when everything in your life is pulling you down. The guy you fell completely in love with, wants nothing really to do with you. It's almost enough to drop back into self-injury again, I don't want to hurt anyone though, and I have too many scars as it is. I hate talking about this with other people, it makes me feel like a bad friend because it's all about me, I try to ask about your life too, I hope you know, It's not my fault you won't let me in. Please understand.

<3

Something New

|------------------Something New,--------------------|

This is my first ever blog post, and I hope that by creating this blog, I can watch myself change over time, and in the future, go back and read this and hopefully see all the struggles I've overcome and be filled with pride. I'm going to post things that matter about me, poems, life stories, the past, anything that matters to me. I am not proud of my past, but I do not regret it because without it, I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. I do wish sometimes that I could go back armed with the knowledge I have now, and change things but that's sadly impossible. I've lost people very close to me by my childish mistakes and own pure selfishness, I'm ready to re-build the trust that I've lost and prove that people do change, though it may take some time, it does happen. You can't say I'm a lost cause anymore, because that's just not true. Give me a chance. My future is anything I make it, and right now it looks bright. I can't see whats going to happen on the road there but that's what makes life so much fun, if everything was pre-planned, there would be no surprises and nothing to make it worth living. Everyone, please just enjoy life because there is no warning as to when it will be taken from you. 

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