Fall Through,
So.. I suppose things have changed, maybe just in the slightest way.. but not enough to completely change my way of thinking. I'm still with Alex.. and I (looking back on my last post) know that I have fallen for him in even just the slightest way, I finally smile when I look into his eyes and I feel comfortable with him and I told him my bad past, and he accepted me completely. He never let go of my hand while I told him and he just gave me a serious look and told me that it wasn't going to make him leave me, just that he worried for me and my safety and everything.. I still haven't gone into detail with him about cutting and the suicide attempts though, I know that he will need to know eventually but I just think it's too much and I don't want him to know that I am just THAT broken.. I know he can tell that I'm broken but to what extent? I'm not sure he knows yet. Some days I keep telling myself that me and him can last, that for once we can stay together for a long time but other days I tell myself that we couldn't possibly last.. I just don't think he will understand if he tells me that he loves me and I can't say it back. I don't love him, not yet anyways.. I'm not sure if I ever will but I know that right now he makes me happy. I do know that we have nothing in common though, and that will soon become a problem and a factor.. I mean I can make him laugh a lot, but we don't really have anything else to talk about.. just simple jokes and silence most of the time.. I'm not sure what to do.. and I keep having mood swings, they haven't stopped and I find myself closer and closer to suicide and it gets a little bit harder each time to tell myself to keep going on, to keep surviving, that it's all for a reason. I don't feel smart enough to have a future.. I don't even feel like I will be able to pass high school and graduate.. I feel like a true failure.. not a COMPLETE failure because I met my first true drug addict last weekend and that was the saddest thing I've ever seen.. but I feel like I have failed myself, and others as well.. I could have been so much better than this. I could have made something of my life, but I just.. didn't.. I didn't strive like I should have.. and it's honestly just too late to go back and try to fix any of this.. It's all so broken and mangled and I don't think I will ever go back to a even close form of "normal".. what doesn't kill you, fucks you up permanently.. so true. We're getting closer and closer to the holidays.. I've spent a lot of my money already on presents and it bugs me like crazy.. I constantly stress and can't decide if what I've bought for my friends is something they're going to appreciate, etc.. I think I'm panicking mostly because of what I bought Alex for christmas.. I just don't think he will appreciate the thought behind it or what else to add to it.. and thats why I rather just break up with him and keep it myself to save from judgement than to stay together.. but that's a dumb reason to break up.. and I just don't know what to do.. do I ever know what to do? I feel so alone without him next to me.. but I know that he can't be next to me all the time and I just.. I don't know.. he makes me feel attractive and beautiful until I look at myself in the mirror when he's gone and I see every single flaw come back at me and I just feel fat and ugly and broken and a mistake again.. The high of being with him just doesn't last.. I wish it did.. I really really really wish it did... I've done so well already to stay faithful and everything but I just feel like I fail him enough by just hating myself so much, and I know that he knows I have low self-esteem or something but I think he thinks I am joking.. that I'm not seriously that depressed.. but news flash baby.. I am.. I'm sorry... but you can't fix me.. and I don't want your help to fix me.. because I don't deserve to be fixed. and I never will. I figure I'll probably just go sit near train tracks or something.. on December 16th, or maybe on a bridge. or just something, i don't know.. it's just such a big date that I guarantee my ex will probably never even fucking remember.. He forgot about me a long time ago.. forgot everything he ever felt for me.. He replaced it all.. Why can I not replace my feelings? Everyone can replace me.. but I can't replace them.. Does that make me a bad person? I think I care too much.. and that's just how I get hurt.
