Unexpected Things

Unexpected Things,

Woohoo, another blog entry. Today is moving day, well we are packing everything up today. It has been a hard day, just watching everything come out of the house and watch it empty and empty more and more. So many things have happened though. First of all, I hit my one month mark with Lee.. then I texted Frank and we started talking again, turns out we just stopped talking because of misunderstanding, he wasn't mad at me or anything.. I don't know if I honestly believe that, he was pretty pissed at me when we stopped talking but I didn't want to start a fight. But before all of that, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Lamictal to 100mg and I had a really bad reaction to it, I had to go the ER because I was having tremors so bad and uncontrollable shaking and falling and stumbling everywhere and all my lymph nodes were swollen so badly and I felt like I was just in a whole different mind state, fading in and out of reality and my memory was coming and going and lapsing so that I wouldn't know what I was saying or when I said it or why I said it and was fading out badly when people would talk to me.. so I told my mom about everything and they admitted me to the emergency room, gave me a huge old shot of benadryl and sent my back home. It made me mad because all of that, just to get a shot in my butt... I know that our money is tight and it shouldn't all be spent on me. Anyways, it's been 7 or 8 days since that incident and my reality is still a little hazy, sometimes I don't remember even making the decisions I've made (like saying something, etc) It's a little bit scary. I just want this all to fade and give me back my reality. Anyways.. So the night I started talking to Frank, he asked me to hang out so I went to his new apartment and it was kind of just like old times, a little bit awkward at first but then he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me and he had no idea that I had a boyfriend.. and for that moment, I forgot that I had a boyfriend too... I had to leave very suddenly though because it was 2am and my mom started texting me and telling me that if I didn't get home I would be kicked out.. so after that we've just been talking.. My family and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon though because they didn't want me cheating on Lee because he didn't deserve that and that they didn't appreciate how I acted sometimes, etc etc. (Brothers home from college for the thanksgiving break too!) and so I ended up just acting on impulse and texted Lee and broke up with him and I think he's pretty hurt. He played it off really cool but he said that he didn't even consider one month a relationship and that he could tell for a while that I just wasn't that in to him, etc etc. Then he went all over Facebook and started posting crap about how chicks just lie about who they are and he should only date chicks who like cats and video games and blah blah.. I know none of it is directed exactly towards me but it's still a hit at me and I don't appreciate the immaturity of that. Thanksgiving was fun.. boring.. we just looked at black friday deals, I bought a huge fish tank from my aunt for 25$ though, probably it was around 300$ brand new so it was a really good deal and it'll look awesome in the new house. just needs to be cleaned up and get some fish for it. I applied to NCTC today, hopefully to start college classes in the spring.. I'm excited but so nervous to grow up.. It seems like everything is just happening so fast and that's kind of how I figured this year would be. It's not easy but it'll be worth it. I never expected Frank to come back into my life though.. like never in a million years did I begin to imagine it.. same thing with Daniel though, never imagined we would be anything again and then he showed up and blew my whole mind away.. but me and him still aren't talking, probably Laura's fault since he's banging her again.. not my concern, I love Frank and that sounds crazy but it's true.. I don't know what him and I are though.. I don't think we're dating, I don't even know, friends with benefits? Who knows.. all I care about is that he is in my life. I saw Catching Fire with Alex last night though, he's a good friend I appreciate having, we had a good time, it was a good movie but so long, my legs were so cramped afterwards. I haven't really talked to any of my friends over the break, shows how much of "friends" they are. I'm not ready to go back to school on Monday.. I just need to get through it though I guess so I can graduate. I wish school just didn't involve seeing anyone though, I get so tired of the same high school bullshit. Everyone is so fake and it just doesn't impress me. I might be seeing Frank tonight.. I really hope I am. but until then, I'll write again later~ hopefully we will be in the new house by the time I write another blog :)!  This blog wasn't much about my feelings, just an update.. I'm not feeling too emotional lately. Just lovesick I guess. I wish relationships were easier for me. I watched my brother and his girlfriend today, and I kept asking myself if I would ever find somebody who looked at me like that and who cared like they do for eachother, I hope I do. They are perfect marriage material.

Spilling Thoughts

Spilling Thoughts,

I know I always say it has been a while, it has, and I swear it never feels like anything has changed until I go back and read my blogs and figure out what has changed since I last posted. Well let me start from my last post. The Halloween party went really well actually, everybody had fun, there was a little bit of drama, but there was sexy dancing and fun costumes and I really enjoyed myself and I think everyone else did too. Cameron slipped out early from the party and I followed him to his car and was asking why he was leaving early, he just said he wasn't feel good, etc etc, which I honestly knew the reason why he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to see me with Lee.. which I mean I understood, and I was trying to comfort him and all of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, and we kissed and kissed some more and it was hot and it was passionate and it was everything I missed about him, and I hate that I missed that about him, it was wrong, and it was cheating on his girlfriend, but he never minded that.. so after we finally parted, he went home, I went back inside feeling pretty sad, I just tried to stay close to Lee after ignoring him for most of the party, we went outside and smoked and it calmed my nerves down, so I sat next to him and leaned my head on him. After the party was over about 12, I had to drive him home, and he asked me to get out of the car to hug him, so I got out and he clinged on to me so hard when he hugged, I thought he was never going to let go, he hugged me like I was a long lost family member that he had loved and missed for several years, like, so full of emotion it was honestly really intense, and scary somehow.. then we pulled back finally after probably 30 seconds, and he was like oh screw it and kissed me, and I kissed back, and wow. It was.. pretty interesting.. we didn't kiss for that long, then I drove home and he started texting me about how amazing I was.. the next day, we hung out and I got to see his apartment, he asked me out and I of course said yes. So as of October 26th, 2013 we are official. After all of that, I ended up cutting, and went back to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar, so I have been on Lamictal for a while now, I have been feeling pretty good honestly, I was nauseous for the first few days of taking it but it cleared up and now my normal appetite is back but I think the binge eating is a little better, Not sure actually about that one. No cutting or anything though so far, so thats good. Oh. We are for sure moving as of December 4th, we found a house in Gainesville, it's really beautiful and I'm really excited. I'm going to be living with Lee until January though when I graduate so that I won't be a hour away from school. I'm nervous to see how that will go honestly, I don't know if he will get on my nerves or if i'll get on his or something.. I'm just hoping for the best.. My parents are super stressed about the move, but I know they will love the new house very much when everything works itself out. I'm just super stressed out that I am failing math currently, a 49.. I am seriously pissed at myself and scared that I won't graduate early if I can't get this credit.. Everything else is on the back burner until I can get this grade up.. Nothing else is really new, Daniel is still chasing after Laura pretty bad even though shes dating some new guy now, I haven't talk to him much anymore honestly.. I just have nothing to say for him.. I'm so angry that I wanted him for so long and now that I could have him, I just don't want him. I wonder if thats how it would be if I got frank back.. would I realize that what I have now is better without him like I did with Daniel?  Thats the scary part.. being so uncertain.. I wish I just knew what would happen after every choice I made, I would text Frank right this very second if I knew I could have him in my arms and talking to me night after night again.. but I know those moments are gone forever, and only now I just have to find someone new to trust.. I hate that.. I hate spilling my heart to people who don't even know who I am and then I just dump all of my crazy on them, and it makes me feel so vulnerable because once my insecurities are out, they have every possible way to destroy me.. and Frank.. oh... he destroyed me.. when he knew I needed him, wanted him, he left.. I don't really understand how people can do that. I don't know how anyone can be that heartless honestly.. It just baffles me to no end. I shouldn't linger on him anymore though, he's rarely in my thoughts anymore, just tonight I saw his name in my phone and it made me think, and I don't want to think.. not about him anymore.. I swear I think about people that just shouldn't matter anymore, they're always in my thoughts and I always consider what I could have done to be better for them.. or be better for myself.. I would fix everything with everyone I have ever had trouble with if I could. I can't stand loose ends in relationships, it honestly just weighs me down like a huge anchor and I don't know if some day it could drag me under again..