Captured Feelings

Captured Feelings,

       Yay.. another blog, another day, another breath, another... another.. something.. but still nothing. I got my tongue pierced a few days ago, it was time for a change in my life.. I really like it but has been causing some pain.. Everything has been okay.. but I'm really missing people from my past all of this week (spring break), not sure why really.. just nostalgic and i wish that things hadn't had changed so quickly because I realize I was a lot happier back then than I am now.. Of course my ex is in town again.. Friday through Sunday.. and everytime he comes here it just makes me anxious thinking that I could possibly see him hanging out somewhere and I still wouldn't be allowed to wave to him or say hi or anything and that is just.. the most depressing thing.. Everyone tells me I should just text him and ask him to hang out with me.. well thats easier said than done.. I rather not say anything at all than to face rejection when he tells me that he'll ask his girlfriend and comes back a few hours later (or minutes dunno) and says that she told him no.. Like I honestly rather just not say anything at all than to face that heart break everytime.. and it really makes it hard to move on to someone else and tell someone else I love them if I'm still in love with him.. cause as much as I scream to myself that I am not in love with him anymore, I know that I am.. and I know that I always will be because in all honesty he took a part of me that I dont think I can ever get back and I think that anyone who has been in love and has lost that love can understand what I'm going through... I feel like I entered that relationship a whole person and I left it a lot less than half of a person.. and I just don't know how to be whole again.. I healed myself from most of the damage that he caused but it still hurts when I see how happy he is with someone new and how unhappy I am with everyone I try to date.. I just want to be happy with a guy again.. I know I can say yeah I'm happy, Yeah I miss you, Yeah i really care about you.. but secretly I'm saying that theres never going to be another him though.. not in this lifetime.. I don't want to fall in love again, I don't even think I possibly can right now.. I don't really know if I believe that you can love two people at the same time.. because love.. love demands to be felt and its hard to ignore and it's hard to replace with another love and you can cheat on them and be with someone else but when you lay your head down to rest at night.. your mind just wanders back to them and how you really messed things up.... and how desperately you would do anything to get them back but you know in all honestly that they don't want you, and that they would be unhappy with you.. So how do you chase your dreams when your dreams don't want you to chase them? Do you just.. let them go because you know it's better for them? Because then you'd be losing all of your hope of the future.. and I know I sound crazy and I know I'm too young to feel this way about a guy and blah blah blah.. but I felt like I met my soulmate, we connected in everyway and how do you just pull yourself away from that feeling? How do you.. leave that? How do you walk away from that..? Could you ever even possibly imagine that pain..? I hear a lot of stories about people who get married and are unhappy because they had been in love before and you never really have a more truer, real, passionate love than the very first one and I feel like if I can't get him back, I will never experience that love again.. or I won't ever let myself experience that love again.. the same thing I feel like.. Our mind is really a damn prison isn't it? It really just traps us and encircles us with feelings that we don't want to feel anymore.. Doesn't let us move on when we desperately want to.. I couldn't tell you if this was the PMDD that is doing this to me or if it's just my silly teenage girl self.. I really wish I had some answers but I don't think anyone I asked would be able to answer me correctly.. I mean I would talk about my ex and mention all the fights we had and people scream that it wasn't healthy.. but you know what.. with all of those fights, we still came back together at the end of the day and still loved eachother and I feel like thats all the mattered.. doesn't matter how many feelings and tears that were shed or felt.. As long as we were in love at the end of it all.. Because if you have someone to hold in your arms and love and be loved at the end of the day, thats all I really need..

Rewinding Ties

Rewinding Ties,

So now honestly it's been a very very long time since I have written anything. Alex and I broke up on our two month, in January.. About 3 weeks later, Wil asked me out.. we met through work and the instant I saw him I knew that he was too good for me.. but we hit it off instantly when we worked together and talked and I got his phone number and then we hung out for the first time and he asked me out, so we've been together since January 29th :) We just celebrated our one month on March 1st! We are doing really well but he has been grounded since February 12th, doesn't get off until March 12th so we have been struggling with that. He makes me happy but I have been feeling the PMDD pretty harshly with him.. I'm trying to hold on with all of my might and not let go of him. I started feeling no affection towards him at all, wanted to end it and just escape away from him. Now i'm feeling better, I really hate this disorder. Everyone talks about how it's going to get worse as I age.. well if it's pretty damn bad right now that I can barely resist taking a knife to my wrist.. what am I going to do when it get's worse? I'm worried.. Anyways. So After the break up, Alex got really really depressed, went suicidal, refused to talk to me because I hurt him so much.. He started cutting, I blame myself for that. It's always my fault. But as of right now he told his mom about the cutting and is getting into therapy and depression medicine, and we are finally talking and trying to maintain friends (without hanging out).. I'm not sure if he will stay stable because he still likes me but it's a step from where he WAS right after the break up. Me and Cameron (The ex before Alex) started talking again, he randomly messaged me on facebook giving me his phone # and I foolishly texted him, since I had been wanting to talk to him forever and he claimed it was a friend that sent out messages to everyone but honestly I think it was him.. He is doing a lot better, he told me how upset he was after our break up and really really just made me feel so guilty for leaving him.. He just constantly felt like he wasn't good enough, but all of my break-ups have been because of the PMDD.. it's not that I don't care.. it's just that I can't logically reason my real feelings out of my PMDD feelings/thoughts and it just gets really hard... anyways.. He has a girlfriend now, he's happy with her so he claims but he's still crazy about me and he was one of the good guys in my life and so I still like him too but honestly me and him, we would never work out again and I keep that thought in the back of my head..There are just too many things that can never be sorted out.. distance was one of them, a 40 minute drive and a quarter tank of gas everytime, yeah.. it really hits the wallet. But yeah.. me and him are trying to maintain a friendship somewhat, we are on and off again talking .. why? I have no idea..  He stopped talking to me after I hit a relapse with my cutting and told him about it, he didn't want to talk to me if I wasn't happy. I understood that.. nobody wants to talk to a depressed person, nobody wants to talk to me when I am in a bad mood, mostly because that's when I can hurt your feelings the most and do the most damage... to your feelings or my body. Thats when I just need to be locked away, lose all communication until I can get over the waves of mood swings.. I wish I could do that.. but people would worry.. and they would never understand that it's for the best. Anyways. I need to start writing more, I just always feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I should write a lot and explain everything but in all honestly even if I wrote a little bit, I would end up writing more than I expected to and I'm just trying to track progress and thoughts and stuff, nothing really else! This isn't math! It's just a diary but I tend to make it so complicated. I'm starting dieting again.. time to get down to 130 or 120 or something..