Stuck Thinking

Stuck Thinking, 

So, so much has gone on.. Bad, good, I don't really know. This weekend was supposed to be Hebron Homecoming but Tony cancelled last minute and didn't want to spend that much money in one night, plus has his own crap on his mind with trying to date Eli and all of that stuff. I wasn't really hurt, cause I was going to homecoming with Wil.. well then the same day that he cancels, Wil messages me on Facebook and says that he can't go because he can't miss any school time.. I was just like wow great, day ruined. He wouldn't be missing any school time but I didn't argue with it, I just let it go. So I've just been kind of upset up and down this whole month. I guess cause of PMDD and I had two periods this month, yeah TMI but I gotta keep that crap tracked down to figure out what causes me to feel like crap all of the time. ANYWAYS so this weekend, Daniel flies in and calls me at 6:30 Saturday morning and says he wants to hang out.. I like immediately jump out of bed, and get ready, real anxious that he won't like me when he sees me, but he opens the door and the first thing he says is that I got taller or he got shorter haha.. But we hung out from like 7 to 11, and it was amazing. We just talked for most of it until about 9, talked about friends, Laura, life, all of that stuff and laughed and joked and I looked around his house at everything (we were home alone at his dad's house) and then he showed me something in his bedroom and we just end up sitting on his bed and he all of a sudden was just like "I've been wanting to kiss you this entire time", and I got SO nervous and just started going like "oh uhm hehe ujhm uhm uhm" and I was finally just like "sigh.. don't tempt me" and he paused I guess and was just like "Just kiss me" and leaned across to me on the bed and kissed me and oh uhm wow. I don't think I have had a more unexpected moment in my entire life. It was a little bit awkward at first, Gotta be honest. It was so shocking and strange and new that I didn't know what to do. But after that odd kiss we got off the bed and were gonna go to Walgreens and get him cigs and I got a rockstar. He just kept being really flirty and kissing me a lot, and I can't complain, and I felt like a fucking absolute millionare when he kissed me. Like I had won a game that I didn't even know I was playing and the prize was him, but I couldn't shake out of my mind that it was just because he wanted to get Laura out of his head.. I don't know, it kind of upset me but he continually told me how attractive I was and how skinny I was and it just made me feel really good to be around him. After Walgreens we went to the park and sat and talked, there were too many people there and it was uncomfortable though so we went to a park closer to his house and hung around there, kissed in the rain, found him a hat, and then I dropped him off. I know it doesn't sound a lot, because it really wasn't but it was such precious time with him that turned out so much better than I could have ever planned, I was so worried that it would just be awkward between us.. So after that he spent most of the time down here with family, and sleeping. I wanted to see him again on Sunday night but he fell asleep, It wasn't a big deal though, I had school and I couldn't say that I was awake enough to appreciate any time with him, I was very exhausted. I'm always exhausted when I have mood swings frequently, they take everything out of me.. I went to school this morning and I felt like I was seriously dead, just dragging through everything, I had about 5 hours of sleep but it just is never enough it seems..  So I got home this afternoon and I got on Tumblr for a little bit before I took my nap and I guess I just saw something that reminded me of Frank, and I just laid my head down and I kept thinking, why did he play me? Why, out of all of the people possible did he play me? Was I not enough, was I just another girl to him? Am I always just going to be "another" girl? Because I feel sick to my stomach being played around by people and I don't think I can continue to do that. I want to be someone's first choice for once.. Like I guess I kind of forget the negatives that people do, Frank treated me like crap sometimes, sometimes he was a perfect gentleman.. Wil cheated on me, and I forgave him because we weren't technically dating at the time.... Cameron guilt tripped me.. OH! Speaking of Ex's though, me and Alex have been talking again thanks to the help of Ashley.. Now me and Ashley aren't talking.. But for totally different reasons. I asked Alex to Homecoming last night and he basically just blew it off, not in a rude way but he said that I could do so much better for a date and that he would be a lame date and that he just really didn't feel okay doing that, so I didn't push him for it.. but the rejection did kind of sting. As far as Ashley, well she broke her terms that we became friends again on. She is headed down such a destructive path that I had no choice to just step away again. It seems she can only get her act straight when I'm not in her life, but she is cutting again and has just become such a person I don't even recognize anymore. She used to swear up and down that she would never even try weed or have sex before marriage or ever lie to her parents. They used to be so close, now her house is just a war zone, and she's close to her breaking point if she hasn't already hit it yet. I can't say I'm worried? Because I figure I shouldn't waste my emotions on her (I wish I didn't waste them on anyone in my past), since she knows that Corbin is the only one she needs. She picked her own fate at this point, she could fix it if she wanted, but since she doesn't, it won't and I only see it getting worse. Besides that, I'm just trying to hang out through these stupid mood swings, they are seriously the worst. They are when I'm at my weakest, and I think I've grown enough to not cut or kill myself but it doesn't make the thoughts any easier.. Now I can determine when my thoughts and words start becoming irrational but I hate talking to people when I'm upset, I don't have anyone I can really trust with my thoughts and I don't even want to try most times. Nobody will understand PMDD.. I wish I could meet somebody else with PMDD who is around my age and figure out how similar we are or if I'm just the crazy one. 

Chasing Flames

Chasing Flames,

I've been just trying my best with everything, school, relationships, family, life, living, diet, everything. And I can honestly say that I am not sure if my good is just not good enough or if I'm just not trying as much as I can. I don't know where I'm going yet, I am so indecisive about everything all of the time it seems. I want a job one second, but not the next.. I want a boyfriend one minute, but not the next. I've been trying so hard to just talk to Daniel and help him with advice as much as possible and I don't feel like we are going anywhere.. He is back to dating Laura and I feel like we are just back to square one.. He doesn't call me as much anymore or text me goodnight.. He still texts me good morning but I feel like he is slacking.. but I guess I don't matter to him much anymore cause I am just a friend now... Wil called me a few days ago, I asked him to homecoming and hopefully he should be coming down for a weekend in October to go to homecoming with me. I'm buying my dress this weekend! And I got asked to Hebron homecoming by Tony (Yes we just started talking again tonight!) I don't know if I can go yet because of my work schedule.. I just have no idea if I even want that job right now.. It seems like so much work for a job that I don't truly want.. We have to memorize the entire menu, just as a hostess and as a hostess it's ALL cleaning and greeting customers, I am not so sure about that.. and the job orientation training interrupts my weekend with Daniel and I am just stressed out!! I feel so overwhelmed trying to constantly fix things with all of these people in my life.. Me and Connor cant fix anything, I can't fix things with Cameron or Alex or Frank.. and I just wish I could, I know that they were so important to me and I hate to just lose them in the blink of an eye.. even though I should have tried a long long time ago.. I just never thought I would be alone like I am right now I guess, I don't know, I'm not quite sure what was going on in my head.. I never know what's going on in my head, ain't that the truth.. I thought that being with Daniel is what I truly wanted, but now that I am talking to him, I realize that my longing for him is just because he was something I couldn't have, he's not that great now that I see, he hasn't changed, he isn't more mature, he is a love-sick puppy that hasn't achieved anything in the time that I have done so much with mine.. I don't know how hanging out with him will go, I'm nervous and worried that it will be kind of awkward but hopefully we will just do something fun or in a group.. I'm just worried about a lot of things I swear, I guess I am mood swinging, or over-thinking or something but I am just freaked out.. and I am so exhausted lately, I swear I can barely keep my eyes open in the mornings and then when I get home after school I just want to fall into my bed and never get up again... Oh.. me and Michael started talking again too, I tried to fix things with him as well, but we aren't doing that great.. It's so hard to return things to normal once so much has changed.. I don't even know where to start with the other 3.. I don't even think it's possible anymore honestly. As much as I hate to, I need to learn to let go of people who don't want me in their life anymore, because obviously its for a reason right? If they wanted me in their life, they would tell me... Because you're not going to ignore somebody you love right? Or am I just seriously that bad of a person/influence that people realize that they can't be around me because I drag them down? I don't know.. I wish I could just see myself from someone elses eyes.. I feel worthless and ugly and revolting and stupid.. So so so stupid for feeling upset about people that don't even think about me anymore.. but I can't help it. I gave a piece of myself to them, whether it be mentally or physically.. it still HURTS to see people walk away from me without even a second glance in my direction.. 

Drifting Away

Drifting Away,

Everything has been pretty laid back lately, getting all of my homework done on time. The family is good, Me and Daniel are good, most of my relationships are good.. Well at least I thought. So here is what happened that put me off my high horse of thinking that everything was perfect. So earlier this week, we were planning to go to Caitlyn's house because her parents were going out of town for the weekend and we all hadn't hung out for a really long time, so me and Ashley were getting really excited just to get out of the house and hang with all of our friends that we hadn't done since probably February! That's a long time! And then after we made all of the plans at lunch, Alexis decides to text me and tell me that all of the plans were canceled because Caitlyn didn't want that many people at her house. And I was like wait what?! It was going to be 6 people at the most, and we have had plenty more people than that at her house before, so of course I got angry! I knew that it wasn't that reason at all, it was just the fact that they wanted to hang out in their private little group like they have been doing since school started.. just basically pushing us out of the group like we don't even matter. I was seriously really upset and I wanted to give them both a piece of my mind but I just bit my tongue and I said whatever to it. So hopefully tonight me, Ashley, her bf and one of my friend's Connor will be going to hang out instead. I know I said I wouldn't lead on Connor at all but I think he understands that we are just friends, I have made it pretty clear to him. As far as an update on me and Daniel, we are doing pretty well still. He likes to call me every night and talk for at least an hour minimum, he usually talks about Laura for a little bit but then I can get him to change the topic and make him more happier. He is working on just getting over her and I am so glad that he is at least trying. He should be visiting at the end of September, and also in November for thanksgiving. I hope I get to see him this month! I really wanted him to visit in October for Homecoming or Halloween or something but he said his dad didn't want to do that. All well.. Beggars cant be choosers right? I am just glad that he is talking to me and wanting to even be friends with me, that is more than I could ask for in a million years. He has hinted a little bit about getting back together, but not in simple terms.. Or maybe I am just looking into it too much, I'm not sure. He does recall things that happened in our relationship though and we reminisce in those times and laugh about how good we were together and how much fun times and crazy times we shared. I know he misses Texas, and I think he will be moving back.. He said when he comes down he will be looking at colleges and apartments here so I take that as a great sign! My diet is almost done, on Monday! I have decided that I will do the 3 weeks of maintenance just trying to keep the same weight, then have a week to enjoy of meat and carbs and sugar, and then after that go strict vegan. I have been reading a book and doing research on it and I honestly think it is the best choice for me, I don't know how it will effect me mentally but it is worth the try if you can lose weight and also feel better. I worked out for 4 days but then haven't in a few days because I was feeling too weak and lethargic to do it. I will start working out as soon as I am off this diet though, I just need to get my energy back and get the motivation back in (I don't think I've really lost it though). My motivation is just to lose weight until we go to New York In May which gives me about 8 months to lose 22 pounds, which comes out to around 3 pounds a month. Which should be totally do-able! I am excited and I am motivated and I can't wait to go vegan so I can take my mom shopping and go to the whole foods store and get everything that I've been having my eyes on for a while! I also looked at a moped today at the store. For a brand new 2013, it is only 2,000$! And they get like 117 miles a gallon. But they only hold a gallon! Haha. I think it will be perfect though for New York if that is where I decide to go to college. I don't know if I will like it when I get there but I hope I will.. and I hope that once my parents experience it too that they won't dislike it and try to discourage me.. I just hope everything goes according to plan.. I know it probably won't but I want it to at least go close! I made a 94 on my math quiz, the second of the class but a really proud moment for me, I rarely understand math and the fact that I am doing so well so far is making me feel very confident in what I am doing and I don't feel like I am just struggling through everything like I used to with the years of schooling before. I don't know if it's because I have Daniel in my life or if I just have a different attitude toward life or because I am so close to graduating, maybe it is just a mixture of all of those things? I don't know.. I'm counting down to graduation and freedom though. 16 weeks.. Just 80 school days! And that doesn't even include the holidays that we are out for Christmas/new years for like 2 weeks! And a week for Thanksgiving! So it's probably more like 13 weeks or something around there! Ah how exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I feel like I have grown up in just such a short time. It really is crazy how much just being in high school alone can change you, better and for worse sometimes. I didn't find my way until sophomore year, and I didn't really truly get myself together until the end of Junior year. I really hope that all of my friends can get their lives together as well as I did too.. It would be nice to see them go far in life. I mean my real friends though, not those fake ones that just want to be around you or hang out when you have something they want COUGH (Alexis) COUGH COUGH (She asked me for alcohol) COUGH COUGH.

Keeping Control

Keeping Control,

So my resolution for September: Working out every single day at least 30 minutes minimum and I have to burn 250 calories at the least. Day 2 and I've done good so far! I'm proud of myself and I'm determined to keep my progress up. This is the last week of my diet, then it's finished on the 8th, I know I can make it through this. I'm so close! I read all of these things though about people reaching their goal weight and then they feel no successful feeling or anything, and I fear that I will be exactly like that.. That when I get to 120, it will not be enough for me and I will crave to get to 115.. then 110.. and 100.. and then 90.. and how long before I just vanish into dust? But maybe I shouldn't worry, I love food. Too much. But I'm hoping with adding in exercise it will allow me to tone my body out and be able to eat healthy and just be healthy in general and most of all, help out my back and strengthen my core muscles! Because that is what I'm desperately needing. Everything else in my life is pretty good, Nothing much really new from yesterday. I am waiting to hear back from ihop about my interview, I am really hoping I can get the waitress job.. I'm starting my first commission painting tomorrow, I'm really nervous but it is a fairly easy painting, I just want to do well on it and I still have no idea what my asking price for it would be.. It's for a distant family member so it would be quite odd to ask a lot but at the same time, I spend my time in-between school and hopefully a job soon to create a beautiful piece of artwork that I am just going to be handing over. I already know I will be buying a frame and a canvas so the price has to be over $35 at the very minimum, after that I guess it just depends on how long I spend sketching and painting it, the overall outcome and how much paint I use. I have faith in myself that I will do good on it though :). I kind of haven't talk to much Connor today, I realize that I need to just back off of talking to him really because I don't need him getting the impression that I want anything except for friends out of him... I already have enough problems with leading on guys, I don't want to do that anymore after I just now finally got rid of all of those pesky guys. OH! I did forget to mention there is a cute guy in my English class, he has a girlfriend though, but they just recently started dating. I don't honestly know if he's into me at all, I have no idea but he is fun to look at I guess for the moment. In the rest of my classes, eh the guys aren't really much of lookers. Texas isn't a great producer of cute guys in my opinion. They're all just country boys and hicks and that's boring and all the same. I am not a country girl in any aspect nor do I want my guy to be a country boy. People look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to move to New York though, like I guess they just don't see that happen often, because it's such a far move and an expensive move.. But still I wish people could just have faith in me and realize that if its my dream to go that far and change my life, then just let me do it and you don't need to say anything about it. If i wanted someone else's input I would definitely ask for it, but since I didn't... I don't think anyone else should worry what I do. I turned off the updates from Wil's moms facebook today, all she ever posted about was that she was drunk on wine and she uploaded photos of Wil smoking topless and clearly he was very high.. I am so disappointed in her for even giving birth.. Terrible influence if I've ever seen one. I just didn't constantly want to see her posts, knowing that she is the one taking care of my ex-boyfriend, just makes me angry. He had a better life here that he just gave away to go get high every day... Whatever, I guess I shouldn't comment on his life when I don't want people commenting on mine.. I just wished better for him. I wanted a good life for him but I just fear he will never get it with the path that he is on... but since we are broken up I honestly shouldn't concern myself. The only guy I'm concerning myself with right now is Daniel and that's because he needs me. Well he needs Laura.. but since he doesn't have her, I will have to do. My friend said I shouldn't let myself be a second choice.. but at least I'm a choice at all and I'm not ever going to get my hopes up enough that we could re spark our old flame that we had such a long time back.. It just seems impossible. I would be wasting my time hoping for anything like that to happen, right now I am content to be his friend and at least be in his life.. a place I haven't been in a long time :) and he finally trusts me and talks to me and believes I have changed and matured.. Him seeing that quality in me, makes me feel so good about myself, because for the longest time he refused to believe that I had changed, so therefore I doubted it myself.. but now that he knows I have, I know I have as well. My heart still cries for him though, and my love still reaches out for him but I will never let myself have him unless he wanted me first. There is something so satisfying about self control.. whether it be over emotions or eating or something.. I get a sick pleasure out of knowing that I have control over what happens in my life. 

Nobody Else

Nobody Else,

Alright, wow so much has changed since I last wrote. School has started, first off it's great. I love my classes, I know I am taking all core classes but I believe that I can do this for 18 weeks and just get through it. I love all of my teachers, they are awesome and they all don't mind my nose piercing. I finally feel like we aren't being treated like children. There is a huge work load as far as homework but it is not unbearable. I am doing well as far as grades so far. I messed up by losing some of my math papers and ended up getting late grades on them.. I felt so bad.. and I failed my first math and history quiz but I feel like I'll get better, I just need to focus and keep my attention on the right things. So while we went to Galveston, we had a LOT of fun and I already miss my brother so so so much, we had a long talk and walked all down the side of the ocean and those little things I appreciate so much in this world. My brother will always be the most important guy in my life. I don't care if we fight sometimes or disagree, I will always look up to him and love him. But the most important thing that happened while in Galveston, is that Daniel finally messaged me on facebook one night right as I was about to go to bed.. yeah imagine my surprise. I was like oh my god hell froze over.. But apparently his fiancee had dumped him on their 2 year anniversary, he was HEART BROKEN.. and we have been talking daily ever since :). I was so upset to hear that, honestly.. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anybody and I hate that she hurt him like that.. I have been by his side since he told me though and I've been trying to just give him as much advice as possible. He called me last night at 11 and woke me up (I didn't mind, I love him.. when you love somebody you do crazy things for them), and we talked for 2 hours.. and he told me he missed me and that he was always happy around me and that he appreciated so much that I was here for him and helping him and that I was so caring. I hate that I'm getting my hopes up that he'd ever love me or want me again.. I'm trying to talk him into moving back to Texas.. he would do so much better here, he has all of his friends and Colorado just isn't his home.. but ultimately I guess it's up to him. He has to let his girlfriend go though, that is the first step to him healing.. She went into a psychiatric hospital and left him completely hanging, I just don't understand her.. I didn't want to know her before and I sure as hell don't want to know her now.. All I know is that they are terrible for each other and I need to do my part to get him to start making his own decisions for himself and becoming mature like he has been missing out on. So of course my mind has been ALL on him.. Hahaha. Uhm, I haven't talked to Frank anymore, anytime I text him he just doens't respond.. I changed his name in my phone to "Douchebag" because that is what he is, that is what he will always be. I should have left him such a long time ago but seriously it's just not in my nature to do that. I care about people a lot. and This month is a YEAR that I have known him, but I guess that's a year too long.. I hate that I hold on to people for too long.. But I think I can firmly say I am done with him. Me and Ashley are doing well again, My friends are school are eh.. I don't have any friends in my classes besides Suz and Jo. I do have lunch with Ashley, her sister, Alexis, Her sister's bf, Gabe and a tiny little freshman boy who hits on me and thinks I'm super hot. I am still dieting. I hit 149.5 today! Finally! Haven't been this weight since May so it's definitely an accomplishment and hopefully I can get to maybe low 140's by the end of the diet on September 8th, that's a long goal but I really want to get there. Then after maintenance I really want to try a 98% vegan diet, I don't know if it will be great for my health but it never hurts to try right?? My period is next week so my mood swings are all over the place, I have had some hard nights but I am definitely pulling through them by having Daniel in my life and having close friends to talk to. Connor is wanting to date, I don't know what to do with that. He's such a friend to me, he honestly is in the friend zone with me and he's just not my type. I appreciate him being there for me but I will never want more with him. Wil hasn't been on my mind much, he never texts or calls, but I guess he is happy in San Antonio, so I rather not even try to bug him. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I got hired at Fresco's Mexicana as a Hostess/Cashier a week ago, but they don't start orientation until late September early October.. So I had my first interview at ihop as a server on Friday, then my second interview today. They both went pretty well, I looked awesome for both of them! They said that the two managers I interviewed with would talk it over and then talk to their boss and call me in a few days so hopefully I can get that job, and figure out if I like it enough before I decide to tell my manager at Fresco's that I don't want to take the job anymore. It has been my dream for a while to work at ihop though. Honestly, I don't even know why. I have just always wanted to be a server! and everyone is like oh well ihop really sucks, I don't care!!! I just need a job and I love working with food and people, so of course waitressing is perfect for me and it's basically my only option at 17. At 18 the world will expand for me but right now it's just limited. I'm nervous to hear back from them.. I will try to keep my blog updated as much as possible.. I am enjoying this 3-day weekend a lot though. I'm not quite sure how my blogs started turning into little life updates, they used to just be about my feelings. But yeah, of course the picture I chose is because I realize my love for Daniel is just overwhelming at this point, I could never ever ever walk away from him. He has treated me like absolute shit and I have still stuck by with him through all of it and I always will. He is the one guy that I can and will do that for. And yes I fell in love with Wil, but it was never the same love that I had for Daniel and I realize that now. It was so much less powerful, Daniel was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart and I told him that. He needed to know. It didn't freak him out, he said that it made him smile.