So Worthless

So Worthless,

So I've been staying at Lee's house for about a week now, last weekend we were iced in. Right now I feel like shit. Like absolute shit, and I don't know if it's a mood swing or what it is that has made me feel this way but I literally had to leave the apartment for like a hour and a half just to go and drive around and try to clear my head but it didn't work at all so I came back and I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I just don't know what to do anymore about anything.. I mean everything seems to just be going fine and then it all just turns into shit so quickly.. Frank still hasn't talked to me, I have tried texting him every single day since we last stopped talking.. but no response.. and I am shaking so badly because I am that upset and I just don't know how I am ever supposed to survive these mood swings, and I don't even want to begin to let anyone become close to me when I have become such a monster that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. I almost just want to drop everything and end it all and just end my life or something equivalent to that. I was driving and I spaced out and I almost hit the car in front of me, going about 40 miles an hour and I really just didn't want to press down on the brake for a split second, but I ended up pressing it down quickly and jolting myself forward but I guess that is better than killing myself.. Everything just feels extremely hopeless right now. And I'm sorry I can't write anymore.

Hazy Words

Hazy Words,

So. He blew me off. I didn't get to see Frank last night, last I heard from his was at 11:30pm and he said he wasn't off work yet.. so I had to sleep on freezing cold hard wood floors in an empty house, home alone, safe to say my night was shit. I can't believe the nerve of him sometimes. He hasn't talked to me at all today, I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore. I shattered my phone, closed it in on my trunk, it's pretty badly damaged, I have to use my moms upgrade to get a new one I guess. I'm really upset.. I would cut if my razors weren't already put up but I guess that wouldn't help anything. I'm just so stuck and I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. This is the last night in the house, i'll be spending the night in the RV though, then school tomorrow and try to get my life back on track. I hope Frank stays in it though, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him keeping me happy. But if we were trying to start over and do better, he sure does know how to ruin it because he definitely pissed me off last night. He kept saying he was sorry and everything but then I told him to text me when he got off so I could come over and actually sleep decently and he just didn't... totally left me hanging. It's not the first time he has done that I guess.. so I shouldn't expect anything from him.. I just hoped that he would have changed in 4 months since I had talked to him. Apparently not, or I guess I just don't mean that much to him.. I've had two drinks tonight, I'm feeling tipsy.. The room is a little swirly but whatever.. I don't want to deal with this shit today or ever. I don't even deserve love, I should just stop trying. I really need to stop trying. No point to relationships anymore because they're just a waste of my time honestly, I'm so pathetic I cheat in all of them then try and justify it somehow.. but in all honestly it's just because I'm a bad person. I guess I knew that all along though. I'm just dreading school tomorrow, I'm so done and I feel so trapped because I still have a little bit more to go. Ugh. I don't even know what to write anymore. My feelings are jumbled and I'm upset and so disappointed. I wonder why Lee didn't even try to fight for me? Shows how much anyone cares I guess. It was just a month though. Not really a big deal. We stopped talking finally. I don't know if we wilI ever talk again honestly. We are still friends on facebook, I see what he posts. He sees what I post. Maybe it'll just be one of those relationships. Just watch but never say much or like anything of eachothers. Ah my brain is so foggy. I'm going to stop writing now.. I'm so depressed that I can't stand up.. I have no motivation to even go on anymore.. Please Frank just text me.. I don't care if you don't read my blogs.. just text me.. show me that you care.. show me that somebody cares..