So Worthless

So Worthless,

So I've been staying at Lee's house for about a week now, last weekend we were iced in. Right now I feel like shit. Like absolute shit, and I don't know if it's a mood swing or what it is that has made me feel this way but I literally had to leave the apartment for like a hour and a half just to go and drive around and try to clear my head but it didn't work at all so I came back and I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I just don't know what to do anymore about anything.. I mean everything seems to just be going fine and then it all just turns into shit so quickly.. Frank still hasn't talked to me, I have tried texting him every single day since we last stopped talking.. but no response.. and I am shaking so badly because I am that upset and I just don't know how I am ever supposed to survive these mood swings, and I don't even want to begin to let anyone become close to me when I have become such a monster that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. I almost just want to drop everything and end it all and just end my life or something equivalent to that. I was driving and I spaced out and I almost hit the car in front of me, going about 40 miles an hour and I really just didn't want to press down on the brake for a split second, but I ended up pressing it down quickly and jolting myself forward but I guess that is better than killing myself.. Everything just feels extremely hopeless right now. And I'm sorry I can't write anymore.

Hazy Words

Hazy Words,

So. He blew me off. I didn't get to see Frank last night, last I heard from his was at 11:30pm and he said he wasn't off work yet.. so I had to sleep on freezing cold hard wood floors in an empty house, home alone, safe to say my night was shit. I can't believe the nerve of him sometimes. He hasn't talked to me at all today, I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore. I shattered my phone, closed it in on my trunk, it's pretty badly damaged, I have to use my moms upgrade to get a new one I guess. I'm really upset.. I would cut if my razors weren't already put up but I guess that wouldn't help anything. I'm just so stuck and I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. This is the last night in the house, i'll be spending the night in the RV though, then school tomorrow and try to get my life back on track. I hope Frank stays in it though, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him keeping me happy. But if we were trying to start over and do better, he sure does know how to ruin it because he definitely pissed me off last night. He kept saying he was sorry and everything but then I told him to text me when he got off so I could come over and actually sleep decently and he just didn't... totally left me hanging. It's not the first time he has done that I guess.. so I shouldn't expect anything from him.. I just hoped that he would have changed in 4 months since I had talked to him. Apparently not, or I guess I just don't mean that much to him.. I've had two drinks tonight, I'm feeling tipsy.. The room is a little swirly but whatever.. I don't want to deal with this shit today or ever. I don't even deserve love, I should just stop trying. I really need to stop trying. No point to relationships anymore because they're just a waste of my time honestly, I'm so pathetic I cheat in all of them then try and justify it somehow.. but in all honestly it's just because I'm a bad person. I guess I knew that all along though. I'm just dreading school tomorrow, I'm so done and I feel so trapped because I still have a little bit more to go. Ugh. I don't even know what to write anymore. My feelings are jumbled and I'm upset and so disappointed. I wonder why Lee didn't even try to fight for me? Shows how much anyone cares I guess. It was just a month though. Not really a big deal. We stopped talking finally. I don't know if we wilI ever talk again honestly. We are still friends on facebook, I see what he posts. He sees what I post. Maybe it'll just be one of those relationships. Just watch but never say much or like anything of eachothers. Ah my brain is so foggy. I'm going to stop writing now.. I'm so depressed that I can't stand up.. I have no motivation to even go on anymore.. Please Frank just text me.. I don't care if you don't read my blogs.. just text me.. show me that you care.. show me that somebody cares..

Unexpected Things

Unexpected Things,

Woohoo, another blog entry. Today is moving day, well we are packing everything up today. It has been a hard day, just watching everything come out of the house and watch it empty and empty more and more. So many things have happened though. First of all, I hit my one month mark with Lee.. then I texted Frank and we started talking again, turns out we just stopped talking because of misunderstanding, he wasn't mad at me or anything.. I don't know if I honestly believe that, he was pretty pissed at me when we stopped talking but I didn't want to start a fight. But before all of that, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Lamictal to 100mg and I had a really bad reaction to it, I had to go the ER because I was having tremors so bad and uncontrollable shaking and falling and stumbling everywhere and all my lymph nodes were swollen so badly and I felt like I was just in a whole different mind state, fading in and out of reality and my memory was coming and going and lapsing so that I wouldn't know what I was saying or when I said it or why I said it and was fading out badly when people would talk to me.. so I told my mom about everything and they admitted me to the emergency room, gave me a huge old shot of benadryl and sent my back home. It made me mad because all of that, just to get a shot in my butt... I know that our money is tight and it shouldn't all be spent on me. Anyways, it's been 7 or 8 days since that incident and my reality is still a little hazy, sometimes I don't remember even making the decisions I've made (like saying something, etc) It's a little bit scary. I just want this all to fade and give me back my reality. Anyways.. So the night I started talking to Frank, he asked me to hang out so I went to his new apartment and it was kind of just like old times, a little bit awkward at first but then he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me and he had no idea that I had a boyfriend.. and for that moment, I forgot that I had a boyfriend too... I had to leave very suddenly though because it was 2am and my mom started texting me and telling me that if I didn't get home I would be kicked out.. so after that we've just been talking.. My family and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon though because they didn't want me cheating on Lee because he didn't deserve that and that they didn't appreciate how I acted sometimes, etc etc. (Brothers home from college for the thanksgiving break too!) and so I ended up just acting on impulse and texted Lee and broke up with him and I think he's pretty hurt. He played it off really cool but he said that he didn't even consider one month a relationship and that he could tell for a while that I just wasn't that in to him, etc etc. Then he went all over Facebook and started posting crap about how chicks just lie about who they are and he should only date chicks who like cats and video games and blah blah.. I know none of it is directed exactly towards me but it's still a hit at me and I don't appreciate the immaturity of that. Thanksgiving was fun.. boring.. we just looked at black friday deals, I bought a huge fish tank from my aunt for 25$ though, probably it was around 300$ brand new so it was a really good deal and it'll look awesome in the new house. just needs to be cleaned up and get some fish for it. I applied to NCTC today, hopefully to start college classes in the spring.. I'm excited but so nervous to grow up.. It seems like everything is just happening so fast and that's kind of how I figured this year would be. It's not easy but it'll be worth it. I never expected Frank to come back into my life though.. like never in a million years did I begin to imagine it.. same thing with Daniel though, never imagined we would be anything again and then he showed up and blew my whole mind away.. but me and him still aren't talking, probably Laura's fault since he's banging her again.. not my concern, I love Frank and that sounds crazy but it's true.. I don't know what him and I are though.. I don't think we're dating, I don't even know, friends with benefits? Who knows.. all I care about is that he is in my life. I saw Catching Fire with Alex last night though, he's a good friend I appreciate having, we had a good time, it was a good movie but so long, my legs were so cramped afterwards. I haven't really talked to any of my friends over the break, shows how much of "friends" they are. I'm not ready to go back to school on Monday.. I just need to get through it though I guess so I can graduate. I wish school just didn't involve seeing anyone though, I get so tired of the same high school bullshit. Everyone is so fake and it just doesn't impress me. I might be seeing Frank tonight.. I really hope I am. but until then, I'll write again later~ hopefully we will be in the new house by the time I write another blog :)!  This blog wasn't much about my feelings, just an update.. I'm not feeling too emotional lately. Just lovesick I guess. I wish relationships were easier for me. I watched my brother and his girlfriend today, and I kept asking myself if I would ever find somebody who looked at me like that and who cared like they do for eachother, I hope I do. They are perfect marriage material.

Spilling Thoughts

Spilling Thoughts,

I know I always say it has been a while, it has, and I swear it never feels like anything has changed until I go back and read my blogs and figure out what has changed since I last posted. Well let me start from my last post. The Halloween party went really well actually, everybody had fun, there was a little bit of drama, but there was sexy dancing and fun costumes and I really enjoyed myself and I think everyone else did too. Cameron slipped out early from the party and I followed him to his car and was asking why he was leaving early, he just said he wasn't feel good, etc etc, which I honestly knew the reason why he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to see me with Lee.. which I mean I understood, and I was trying to comfort him and all of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, and we kissed and kissed some more and it was hot and it was passionate and it was everything I missed about him, and I hate that I missed that about him, it was wrong, and it was cheating on his girlfriend, but he never minded that.. so after we finally parted, he went home, I went back inside feeling pretty sad, I just tried to stay close to Lee after ignoring him for most of the party, we went outside and smoked and it calmed my nerves down, so I sat next to him and leaned my head on him. After the party was over about 12, I had to drive him home, and he asked me to get out of the car to hug him, so I got out and he clinged on to me so hard when he hugged, I thought he was never going to let go, he hugged me like I was a long lost family member that he had loved and missed for several years, like, so full of emotion it was honestly really intense, and scary somehow.. then we pulled back finally after probably 30 seconds, and he was like oh screw it and kissed me, and I kissed back, and wow. It was.. pretty interesting.. we didn't kiss for that long, then I drove home and he started texting me about how amazing I was.. the next day, we hung out and I got to see his apartment, he asked me out and I of course said yes. So as of October 26th, 2013 we are official. After all of that, I ended up cutting, and went back to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar, so I have been on Lamictal for a while now, I have been feeling pretty good honestly, I was nauseous for the first few days of taking it but it cleared up and now my normal appetite is back but I think the binge eating is a little better, Not sure actually about that one. No cutting or anything though so far, so thats good. Oh. We are for sure moving as of December 4th, we found a house in Gainesville, it's really beautiful and I'm really excited. I'm going to be living with Lee until January though when I graduate so that I won't be a hour away from school. I'm nervous to see how that will go honestly, I don't know if he will get on my nerves or if i'll get on his or something.. I'm just hoping for the best.. My parents are super stressed about the move, but I know they will love the new house very much when everything works itself out. I'm just super stressed out that I am failing math currently, a 49.. I am seriously pissed at myself and scared that I won't graduate early if I can't get this credit.. Everything else is on the back burner until I can get this grade up.. Nothing else is really new, Daniel is still chasing after Laura pretty bad even though shes dating some new guy now, I haven't talk to him much anymore honestly.. I just have nothing to say for him.. I'm so angry that I wanted him for so long and now that I could have him, I just don't want him. I wonder if thats how it would be if I got frank back.. would I realize that what I have now is better without him like I did with Daniel?  Thats the scary part.. being so uncertain.. I wish I just knew what would happen after every choice I made, I would text Frank right this very second if I knew I could have him in my arms and talking to me night after night again.. but I know those moments are gone forever, and only now I just have to find someone new to trust.. I hate that.. I hate spilling my heart to people who don't even know who I am and then I just dump all of my crazy on them, and it makes me feel so vulnerable because once my insecurities are out, they have every possible way to destroy me.. and Frank.. oh... he destroyed me.. when he knew I needed him, wanted him, he left.. I don't really understand how people can do that. I don't know how anyone can be that heartless honestly.. It just baffles me to no end. I shouldn't linger on him anymore though, he's rarely in my thoughts anymore, just tonight I saw his name in my phone and it made me think, and I don't want to think.. not about him anymore.. I swear I think about people that just shouldn't matter anymore, they're always in my thoughts and I always consider what I could have done to be better for them.. or be better for myself.. I would fix everything with everyone I have ever had trouble with if I could. I can't stand loose ends in relationships, it honestly just weighs me down like a huge anchor and I don't know if some day it could drag me under again..

Stay Please

Stay Please,

Alright so update time, Homecoming is past, it was actually a fairly fun night, until I kept looking at how thin all of the other girls were, and how much I missed Wil and how I should be here with him, not Connor, but we danced, and I looked great and I tried to put on a fake smile and be happy with everything and act like nothing was bugging me. At the end of the night, me and Connor had alone time and after we walked to my car, he leaned in to kiss me and I had to push him away, and tell him I just wasn't interested in being anything more than friends, which he had already known so I'm not sure why he even tried. Me and Daniel still haven't talked for a while..Thats fine with me but the next time he comes into town (which should be early november), I really hope he doesn't text me and expect me to pity him or even want to see him.. cause honestly I don't.. I just want to move on from him and every guy in my past that has caused me pain.. I found out Alex has a girlfriend, that hurt, I stopped texting him so much.. I don't want to mess up his happiness. But the one that is hurting the MOST, that is Frank.. I miss Frank so much, I swear hes in almost every one of my dreams and it is just killing me, and I wake up and it hurts because they aren't real.. and I honestly know, he's not good for me, he hurt me, he ruined me.. but before all of the pain, he saved me, he was the one at 1 in the morning, holding me in his arms while I cried because I was so upset, and he listened to my rants and my raves, and he kissed me like he loved me, and held me, and always wanted to be with me, and I just wonder what happened to that guy that I fell in love with.. because I didn't fall in love with.. this guy that ignores someone who cares about him, doesn't wanna see or talk or be anything to me.. That is just not who I fell for... but I guess people change, and we have to let them go when they're gone because they aren't going to be coming back.. thats just the hard part of life. Acceptance. It's an easy theory, but actually trying to do it, is not so easy. After homecoming, the next big event is my Halloween partyyyy, which is the 25th, hopefully that will go over pretty well, we are gonna be extremely drunk off our butts for that party, It'll be fun and nice to get away from everything for a while. So, the real important thing is, I'm crushing on a new guy. His name is Lee, and we've been Facebook friends forever it seems, but he finally messaged me like a week ago, and we have just been talking constantly since then, we haven't ever met in person but we have mutual friends and he used to date this girl I HATE HATE HATE, but she is considered a mutual enemy I guess. So I'm not worried he's fake or anything.. He's 21, almost 22 in November, the age worries me a little bit but honestly we are perfect for eachother, we have all of the same likes, like literally.. everything.. same view about the world, people, love, relationships, sex, we like the same type of movies, music, food, color, it is just honestly so scary how alike we are.. I keep thinking that he will be scared off by my weirdness or something but he seems to be holding strong.. I haven't showed him any mood swings though, thankfully I'm not in that phase of my cycle.. I don't want to show him that side of me. I'm officially meeting him for my Halloween party though, I hope it goes well.. I'm extremely nervous, like, so many things could go wrong, so many things could go right.. and he just is practically my dream guy... I'm so scared that as soon as I fall for him, something is just going to happen and rip all of that happiness away from me like it always does.. I hope this time, for once, that he stays in my life.. and even better if we can become friends before dating and establish a better base than I have with any other relationship, cause if I get him as my boyfriend, I sure as hell do not want to give him up.. Maybe even marriage... which would be far off, of course.. Anyways, gotta go do a bunch of homework now.. All core classes really sucks, but I'm excited for January to be done with high school forever, it seems to be going by really quickly, almost too quickly, I'm going to miss all of my friends that are going to be in school until June. 

On a side note though: I've still been thinking about start to smoke cigarettes, good idea or bad.. I don't know.. if I start smoking, I'm sorry future me.. hopefully not until 18 though.. 

Screaming Out

Screaming Out,

Yeah great, it's one of those nights. I binged, and ate and ate and ate and ate, and I don't know why I do that to myself. I eat till I am physically hurting and I regret eating and I feel so guilty and I feel like I am so worthless because I lose all of my control and I just can't stop myself and it's so pathetic, I should be able to know better and stop when my stomach says its full but my mind screams at me to just eat and eat and keep eating because I'm fat and I deserve to pig out and look how I feel like I look and to just destroy myself from the inside out.. and for the first time in the shower I felt like I should just start smoking cigarettes, to help with stress and to help with eating.. but I don't know if I would just get addicted or what would happen, and how stupid of a thing it even is to consider.. but what's worse is that I should not consider even smoking ice again, but I am and I really want to tomorrow night if I can.. I don't even know what's making me feel this way.. Daniel stopped talking to me on Tuesday, just like I knew he would.. going back to Laura and leaving me in the dust like I knew would happen.. I started talking to Ashley again, Asked Connor to homecoming and he said yes. I feel like everything goes up and then everything comes down and falls to the ground just to shatter. Just when I think I am ahead, it just turns to complete shit and it's ridiculous. I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of being here. I always hear well "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be here right now", Trust me I don't want to be here right now, the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that if I failed again, I would be in the hospital for months, possibly a year or something trying to get help.. being pumped full of drugs that ultimately will make things worse for me.. and I don't think I could handle that, I don't think I could handle slipping back into where I used to be freshman and sophomore year, I should be better than that.. I should either know not to try suicide again and deal with my problems, or at least understand a better way to kill myself than over the counter drugs. Pathetic that I even think like that.. I was driving home, yesterday and there was a curve in the road, that if you didn't follow the curve, would just run into a metal railing and into houses/ditch, and I honestly almost didn't follow the curve, just wanted to go straight, but I was so uncertain that I would die from the impact that I couldn't go through with it, I imagined my parents reactions if I survived the car wreck still alive, I would have no care and I would probably have something broken and be in a lot of pain and suffering, and even worse if they found out it was a suicide attempt instead of just an "accident"... but I'm in so much pain already, what can I do to escape this.. I just want out.. these aren't even mood swings anymore, I'm just so sad.. and I'm hiding it all, but I'm not trying to hide it, it's just the fact that there is nothing to say. I am worthless, useless and broken and dumb and fat and I don't think that being thin or any amount of love, or any college or anything could make me happy. I don't think that I deserve to be happy, because obviously if I was meant to be happy, I think life would have let me know a while back.. Everything just goes downhill, it may slightly go uphill but the downs are so much worse.. it seems impossible to ever get on a straight level. My best friend told me she liked me today, but her and her girlfriend are so , great together, I couldn't imagine her messing up her relationship for me, and I don't even like girls like that... I just have never been so confused about people this much before, I don't understand why somebody would just willingly cheat on the person they have been with for over a year or even a few days.. like come on.. you dedicated your time and commitment to them by saying they are your boyfriend or girlfriend, why would you go behind their back and betray their trust my doing that to them.. I am such a hypocrite. I hate myself.. but I don't even understand why I cheated, so I can't understand why other people cheat either. I just feel like shit about myself, so maybe other people do it for the same reason too.. but that is no excuse, there is never an excuse. You either be honest with your significant other and tell them that you are interested in someone else or you shut your fucking mouth and stay faithful to them.. you can't just go fuck somebody else.. when you are getting plenty of love and care and affection from them.. I am not a back-up plan, I am not a second choice, I won't let anybody use me.. I hate myself and I beat myself up enough about it, I don't need someone else using me to remind me how much of a horrible person I am. How did I ever get this low.. God please let me die in my sleep tonight.. how am I ever going to face school tomorrow, or face another day feeling this way.. I can't do this I can't I can't I can't.. I'm losing it... I don't even want help anymore.. I can't be saved, I'm so far gone. 

Stuck Thinking

Stuck Thinking, 

So, so much has gone on.. Bad, good, I don't really know. This weekend was supposed to be Hebron Homecoming but Tony cancelled last minute and didn't want to spend that much money in one night, plus has his own crap on his mind with trying to date Eli and all of that stuff. I wasn't really hurt, cause I was going to homecoming with Wil.. well then the same day that he cancels, Wil messages me on Facebook and says that he can't go because he can't miss any school time.. I was just like wow great, day ruined. He wouldn't be missing any school time but I didn't argue with it, I just let it go. So I've just been kind of upset up and down this whole month. I guess cause of PMDD and I had two periods this month, yeah TMI but I gotta keep that crap tracked down to figure out what causes me to feel like crap all of the time. ANYWAYS so this weekend, Daniel flies in and calls me at 6:30 Saturday morning and says he wants to hang out.. I like immediately jump out of bed, and get ready, real anxious that he won't like me when he sees me, but he opens the door and the first thing he says is that I got taller or he got shorter haha.. But we hung out from like 7 to 11, and it was amazing. We just talked for most of it until about 9, talked about friends, Laura, life, all of that stuff and laughed and joked and I looked around his house at everything (we were home alone at his dad's house) and then he showed me something in his bedroom and we just end up sitting on his bed and he all of a sudden was just like "I've been wanting to kiss you this entire time", and I got SO nervous and just started going like "oh uhm hehe ujhm uhm uhm" and I was finally just like "sigh.. don't tempt me" and he paused I guess and was just like "Just kiss me" and leaned across to me on the bed and kissed me and oh uhm wow. I don't think I have had a more unexpected moment in my entire life. It was a little bit awkward at first, Gotta be honest. It was so shocking and strange and new that I didn't know what to do. But after that odd kiss we got off the bed and were gonna go to Walgreens and get him cigs and I got a rockstar. He just kept being really flirty and kissing me a lot, and I can't complain, and I felt like a fucking absolute millionare when he kissed me. Like I had won a game that I didn't even know I was playing and the prize was him, but I couldn't shake out of my mind that it was just because he wanted to get Laura out of his head.. I don't know, it kind of upset me but he continually told me how attractive I was and how skinny I was and it just made me feel really good to be around him. After Walgreens we went to the park and sat and talked, there were too many people there and it was uncomfortable though so we went to a park closer to his house and hung around there, kissed in the rain, found him a hat, and then I dropped him off. I know it doesn't sound a lot, because it really wasn't but it was such precious time with him that turned out so much better than I could have ever planned, I was so worried that it would just be awkward between us.. So after that he spent most of the time down here with family, and sleeping. I wanted to see him again on Sunday night but he fell asleep, It wasn't a big deal though, I had school and I couldn't say that I was awake enough to appreciate any time with him, I was very exhausted. I'm always exhausted when I have mood swings frequently, they take everything out of me.. I went to school this morning and I felt like I was seriously dead, just dragging through everything, I had about 5 hours of sleep but it just is never enough it seems..  So I got home this afternoon and I got on Tumblr for a little bit before I took my nap and I guess I just saw something that reminded me of Frank, and I just laid my head down and I kept thinking, why did he play me? Why, out of all of the people possible did he play me? Was I not enough, was I just another girl to him? Am I always just going to be "another" girl? Because I feel sick to my stomach being played around by people and I don't think I can continue to do that. I want to be someone's first choice for once.. Like I guess I kind of forget the negatives that people do, Frank treated me like crap sometimes, sometimes he was a perfect gentleman.. Wil cheated on me, and I forgave him because we weren't technically dating at the time.... Cameron guilt tripped me.. OH! Speaking of Ex's though, me and Alex have been talking again thanks to the help of Ashley.. Now me and Ashley aren't talking.. But for totally different reasons. I asked Alex to Homecoming last night and he basically just blew it off, not in a rude way but he said that I could do so much better for a date and that he would be a lame date and that he just really didn't feel okay doing that, so I didn't push him for it.. but the rejection did kind of sting. As far as Ashley, well she broke her terms that we became friends again on. She is headed down such a destructive path that I had no choice to just step away again. It seems she can only get her act straight when I'm not in her life, but she is cutting again and has just become such a person I don't even recognize anymore. She used to swear up and down that she would never even try weed or have sex before marriage or ever lie to her parents. They used to be so close, now her house is just a war zone, and she's close to her breaking point if she hasn't already hit it yet. I can't say I'm worried? Because I figure I shouldn't waste my emotions on her (I wish I didn't waste them on anyone in my past), since she knows that Corbin is the only one she needs. She picked her own fate at this point, she could fix it if she wanted, but since she doesn't, it won't and I only see it getting worse. Besides that, I'm just trying to hang out through these stupid mood swings, they are seriously the worst. They are when I'm at my weakest, and I think I've grown enough to not cut or kill myself but it doesn't make the thoughts any easier.. Now I can determine when my thoughts and words start becoming irrational but I hate talking to people when I'm upset, I don't have anyone I can really trust with my thoughts and I don't even want to try most times. Nobody will understand PMDD.. I wish I could meet somebody else with PMDD who is around my age and figure out how similar we are or if I'm just the crazy one. 

Chasing Flames

Chasing Flames,

I've been just trying my best with everything, school, relationships, family, life, living, diet, everything. And I can honestly say that I am not sure if my good is just not good enough or if I'm just not trying as much as I can. I don't know where I'm going yet, I am so indecisive about everything all of the time it seems. I want a job one second, but not the next.. I want a boyfriend one minute, but not the next. I've been trying so hard to just talk to Daniel and help him with advice as much as possible and I don't feel like we are going anywhere.. He is back to dating Laura and I feel like we are just back to square one.. He doesn't call me as much anymore or text me goodnight.. He still texts me good morning but I feel like he is slacking.. but I guess I don't matter to him much anymore cause I am just a friend now... Wil called me a few days ago, I asked him to homecoming and hopefully he should be coming down for a weekend in October to go to homecoming with me. I'm buying my dress this weekend! And I got asked to Hebron homecoming by Tony (Yes we just started talking again tonight!) I don't know if I can go yet because of my work schedule.. I just have no idea if I even want that job right now.. It seems like so much work for a job that I don't truly want.. We have to memorize the entire menu, just as a hostess and as a hostess it's ALL cleaning and greeting customers, I am not so sure about that.. and the job orientation training interrupts my weekend with Daniel and I am just stressed out!! I feel so overwhelmed trying to constantly fix things with all of these people in my life.. Me and Connor cant fix anything, I can't fix things with Cameron or Alex or Frank.. and I just wish I could, I know that they were so important to me and I hate to just lose them in the blink of an eye.. even though I should have tried a long long time ago.. I just never thought I would be alone like I am right now I guess, I don't know, I'm not quite sure what was going on in my head.. I never know what's going on in my head, ain't that the truth.. I thought that being with Daniel is what I truly wanted, but now that I am talking to him, I realize that my longing for him is just because he was something I couldn't have, he's not that great now that I see, he hasn't changed, he isn't more mature, he is a love-sick puppy that hasn't achieved anything in the time that I have done so much with mine.. I don't know how hanging out with him will go, I'm nervous and worried that it will be kind of awkward but hopefully we will just do something fun or in a group.. I'm just worried about a lot of things I swear, I guess I am mood swinging, or over-thinking or something but I am just freaked out.. and I am so exhausted lately, I swear I can barely keep my eyes open in the mornings and then when I get home after school I just want to fall into my bed and never get up again... Oh.. me and Michael started talking again too, I tried to fix things with him as well, but we aren't doing that great.. It's so hard to return things to normal once so much has changed.. I don't even know where to start with the other 3.. I don't even think it's possible anymore honestly. As much as I hate to, I need to learn to let go of people who don't want me in their life anymore, because obviously its for a reason right? If they wanted me in their life, they would tell me... Because you're not going to ignore somebody you love right? Or am I just seriously that bad of a person/influence that people realize that they can't be around me because I drag them down? I don't know.. I wish I could just see myself from someone elses eyes.. I feel worthless and ugly and revolting and stupid.. So so so stupid for feeling upset about people that don't even think about me anymore.. but I can't help it. I gave a piece of myself to them, whether it be mentally or physically.. it still HURTS to see people walk away from me without even a second glance in my direction.. 

Drifting Away

Drifting Away,

Everything has been pretty laid back lately, getting all of my homework done on time. The family is good, Me and Daniel are good, most of my relationships are good.. Well at least I thought. So here is what happened that put me off my high horse of thinking that everything was perfect. So earlier this week, we were planning to go to Caitlyn's house because her parents were going out of town for the weekend and we all hadn't hung out for a really long time, so me and Ashley were getting really excited just to get out of the house and hang with all of our friends that we hadn't done since probably February! That's a long time! And then after we made all of the plans at lunch, Alexis decides to text me and tell me that all of the plans were canceled because Caitlyn didn't want that many people at her house. And I was like wait what?! It was going to be 6 people at the most, and we have had plenty more people than that at her house before, so of course I got angry! I knew that it wasn't that reason at all, it was just the fact that they wanted to hang out in their private little group like they have been doing since school started.. just basically pushing us out of the group like we don't even matter. I was seriously really upset and I wanted to give them both a piece of my mind but I just bit my tongue and I said whatever to it. So hopefully tonight me, Ashley, her bf and one of my friend's Connor will be going to hang out instead. I know I said I wouldn't lead on Connor at all but I think he understands that we are just friends, I have made it pretty clear to him. As far as an update on me and Daniel, we are doing pretty well still. He likes to call me every night and talk for at least an hour minimum, he usually talks about Laura for a little bit but then I can get him to change the topic and make him more happier. He is working on just getting over her and I am so glad that he is at least trying. He should be visiting at the end of September, and also in November for thanksgiving. I hope I get to see him this month! I really wanted him to visit in October for Homecoming or Halloween or something but he said his dad didn't want to do that. All well.. Beggars cant be choosers right? I am just glad that he is talking to me and wanting to even be friends with me, that is more than I could ask for in a million years. He has hinted a little bit about getting back together, but not in simple terms.. Or maybe I am just looking into it too much, I'm not sure. He does recall things that happened in our relationship though and we reminisce in those times and laugh about how good we were together and how much fun times and crazy times we shared. I know he misses Texas, and I think he will be moving back.. He said when he comes down he will be looking at colleges and apartments here so I take that as a great sign! My diet is almost done, on Monday! I have decided that I will do the 3 weeks of maintenance just trying to keep the same weight, then have a week to enjoy of meat and carbs and sugar, and then after that go strict vegan. I have been reading a book and doing research on it and I honestly think it is the best choice for me, I don't know how it will effect me mentally but it is worth the try if you can lose weight and also feel better. I worked out for 4 days but then haven't in a few days because I was feeling too weak and lethargic to do it. I will start working out as soon as I am off this diet though, I just need to get my energy back and get the motivation back in (I don't think I've really lost it though). My motivation is just to lose weight until we go to New York In May which gives me about 8 months to lose 22 pounds, which comes out to around 3 pounds a month. Which should be totally do-able! I am excited and I am motivated and I can't wait to go vegan so I can take my mom shopping and go to the whole foods store and get everything that I've been having my eyes on for a while! I also looked at a moped today at the store. For a brand new 2013, it is only 2,000$! And they get like 117 miles a gallon. But they only hold a gallon! Haha. I think it will be perfect though for New York if that is where I decide to go to college. I don't know if I will like it when I get there but I hope I will.. and I hope that once my parents experience it too that they won't dislike it and try to discourage me.. I just hope everything goes according to plan.. I know it probably won't but I want it to at least go close! I made a 94 on my math quiz, the second of the class but a really proud moment for me, I rarely understand math and the fact that I am doing so well so far is making me feel very confident in what I am doing and I don't feel like I am just struggling through everything like I used to with the years of schooling before. I don't know if it's because I have Daniel in my life or if I just have a different attitude toward life or because I am so close to graduating, maybe it is just a mixture of all of those things? I don't know.. I'm counting down to graduation and freedom though. 16 weeks.. Just 80 school days! And that doesn't even include the holidays that we are out for Christmas/new years for like 2 weeks! And a week for Thanksgiving! So it's probably more like 13 weeks or something around there! Ah how exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I feel like I have grown up in just such a short time. It really is crazy how much just being in high school alone can change you, better and for worse sometimes. I didn't find my way until sophomore year, and I didn't really truly get myself together until the end of Junior year. I really hope that all of my friends can get their lives together as well as I did too.. It would be nice to see them go far in life. I mean my real friends though, not those fake ones that just want to be around you or hang out when you have something they want COUGH (Alexis) COUGH COUGH (She asked me for alcohol) COUGH COUGH.

Keeping Control

Keeping Control,

So my resolution for September: Working out every single day at least 30 minutes minimum and I have to burn 250 calories at the least. Day 2 and I've done good so far! I'm proud of myself and I'm determined to keep my progress up. This is the last week of my diet, then it's finished on the 8th, I know I can make it through this. I'm so close! I read all of these things though about people reaching their goal weight and then they feel no successful feeling or anything, and I fear that I will be exactly like that.. That when I get to 120, it will not be enough for me and I will crave to get to 115.. then 110.. and 100.. and then 90.. and how long before I just vanish into dust? But maybe I shouldn't worry, I love food. Too much. But I'm hoping with adding in exercise it will allow me to tone my body out and be able to eat healthy and just be healthy in general and most of all, help out my back and strengthen my core muscles! Because that is what I'm desperately needing. Everything else in my life is pretty good, Nothing much really new from yesterday. I am waiting to hear back from ihop about my interview, I am really hoping I can get the waitress job.. I'm starting my first commission painting tomorrow, I'm really nervous but it is a fairly easy painting, I just want to do well on it and I still have no idea what my asking price for it would be.. It's for a distant family member so it would be quite odd to ask a lot but at the same time, I spend my time in-between school and hopefully a job soon to create a beautiful piece of artwork that I am just going to be handing over. I already know I will be buying a frame and a canvas so the price has to be over $35 at the very minimum, after that I guess it just depends on how long I spend sketching and painting it, the overall outcome and how much paint I use. I have faith in myself that I will do good on it though :). I kind of haven't talk to much Connor today, I realize that I need to just back off of talking to him really because I don't need him getting the impression that I want anything except for friends out of him... I already have enough problems with leading on guys, I don't want to do that anymore after I just now finally got rid of all of those pesky guys. OH! I did forget to mention there is a cute guy in my English class, he has a girlfriend though, but they just recently started dating. I don't honestly know if he's into me at all, I have no idea but he is fun to look at I guess for the moment. In the rest of my classes, eh the guys aren't really much of lookers. Texas isn't a great producer of cute guys in my opinion. They're all just country boys and hicks and that's boring and all the same. I am not a country girl in any aspect nor do I want my guy to be a country boy. People look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to move to New York though, like I guess they just don't see that happen often, because it's such a far move and an expensive move.. But still I wish people could just have faith in me and realize that if its my dream to go that far and change my life, then just let me do it and you don't need to say anything about it. If i wanted someone else's input I would definitely ask for it, but since I didn't... I don't think anyone else should worry what I do. I turned off the updates from Wil's moms facebook today, all she ever posted about was that she was drunk on wine and she uploaded photos of Wil smoking topless and clearly he was very high.. I am so disappointed in her for even giving birth.. Terrible influence if I've ever seen one. I just didn't constantly want to see her posts, knowing that she is the one taking care of my ex-boyfriend, just makes me angry. He had a better life here that he just gave away to go get high every day... Whatever, I guess I shouldn't comment on his life when I don't want people commenting on mine.. I just wished better for him. I wanted a good life for him but I just fear he will never get it with the path that he is on... but since we are broken up I honestly shouldn't concern myself. The only guy I'm concerning myself with right now is Daniel and that's because he needs me. Well he needs Laura.. but since he doesn't have her, I will have to do. My friend said I shouldn't let myself be a second choice.. but at least I'm a choice at all and I'm not ever going to get my hopes up enough that we could re spark our old flame that we had such a long time back.. It just seems impossible. I would be wasting my time hoping for anything like that to happen, right now I am content to be his friend and at least be in his life.. a place I haven't been in a long time :) and he finally trusts me and talks to me and believes I have changed and matured.. Him seeing that quality in me, makes me feel so good about myself, because for the longest time he refused to believe that I had changed, so therefore I doubted it myself.. but now that he knows I have, I know I have as well. My heart still cries for him though, and my love still reaches out for him but I will never let myself have him unless he wanted me first. There is something so satisfying about self control.. whether it be over emotions or eating or something.. I get a sick pleasure out of knowing that I have control over what happens in my life. 

Nobody Else

Nobody Else,

Alright, wow so much has changed since I last wrote. School has started, first off it's great. I love my classes, I know I am taking all core classes but I believe that I can do this for 18 weeks and just get through it. I love all of my teachers, they are awesome and they all don't mind my nose piercing. I finally feel like we aren't being treated like children. There is a huge work load as far as homework but it is not unbearable. I am doing well as far as grades so far. I messed up by losing some of my math papers and ended up getting late grades on them.. I felt so bad.. and I failed my first math and history quiz but I feel like I'll get better, I just need to focus and keep my attention on the right things. So while we went to Galveston, we had a LOT of fun and I already miss my brother so so so much, we had a long talk and walked all down the side of the ocean and those little things I appreciate so much in this world. My brother will always be the most important guy in my life. I don't care if we fight sometimes or disagree, I will always look up to him and love him. But the most important thing that happened while in Galveston, is that Daniel finally messaged me on facebook one night right as I was about to go to bed.. yeah imagine my surprise. I was like oh my god hell froze over.. But apparently his fiancee had dumped him on their 2 year anniversary, he was HEART BROKEN.. and we have been talking daily ever since :). I was so upset to hear that, honestly.. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anybody and I hate that she hurt him like that.. I have been by his side since he told me though and I've been trying to just give him as much advice as possible. He called me last night at 11 and woke me up (I didn't mind, I love him.. when you love somebody you do crazy things for them), and we talked for 2 hours.. and he told me he missed me and that he was always happy around me and that he appreciated so much that I was here for him and helping him and that I was so caring. I hate that I'm getting my hopes up that he'd ever love me or want me again.. I'm trying to talk him into moving back to Texas.. he would do so much better here, he has all of his friends and Colorado just isn't his home.. but ultimately I guess it's up to him. He has to let his girlfriend go though, that is the first step to him healing.. She went into a psychiatric hospital and left him completely hanging, I just don't understand her.. I didn't want to know her before and I sure as hell don't want to know her now.. All I know is that they are terrible for each other and I need to do my part to get him to start making his own decisions for himself and becoming mature like he has been missing out on. So of course my mind has been ALL on him.. Hahaha. Uhm, I haven't talked to Frank anymore, anytime I text him he just doens't respond.. I changed his name in my phone to "Douchebag" because that is what he is, that is what he will always be. I should have left him such a long time ago but seriously it's just not in my nature to do that. I care about people a lot. and This month is a YEAR that I have known him, but I guess that's a year too long.. I hate that I hold on to people for too long.. But I think I can firmly say I am done with him. Me and Ashley are doing well again, My friends are school are eh.. I don't have any friends in my classes besides Suz and Jo. I do have lunch with Ashley, her sister, Alexis, Her sister's bf, Gabe and a tiny little freshman boy who hits on me and thinks I'm super hot. I am still dieting. I hit 149.5 today! Finally! Haven't been this weight since May so it's definitely an accomplishment and hopefully I can get to maybe low 140's by the end of the diet on September 8th, that's a long goal but I really want to get there. Then after maintenance I really want to try a 98% vegan diet, I don't know if it will be great for my health but it never hurts to try right?? My period is next week so my mood swings are all over the place, I have had some hard nights but I am definitely pulling through them by having Daniel in my life and having close friends to talk to. Connor is wanting to date, I don't know what to do with that. He's such a friend to me, he honestly is in the friend zone with me and he's just not my type. I appreciate him being there for me but I will never want more with him. Wil hasn't been on my mind much, he never texts or calls, but I guess he is happy in San Antonio, so I rather not even try to bug him. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I got hired at Fresco's Mexicana as a Hostess/Cashier a week ago, but they don't start orientation until late September early October.. So I had my first interview at ihop as a server on Friday, then my second interview today. They both went pretty well, I looked awesome for both of them! They said that the two managers I interviewed with would talk it over and then talk to their boss and call me in a few days so hopefully I can get that job, and figure out if I like it enough before I decide to tell my manager at Fresco's that I don't want to take the job anymore. It has been my dream for a while to work at ihop though. Honestly, I don't even know why. I have just always wanted to be a server! and everyone is like oh well ihop really sucks, I don't care!!! I just need a job and I love working with food and people, so of course waitressing is perfect for me and it's basically my only option at 17. At 18 the world will expand for me but right now it's just limited. I'm nervous to hear back from them.. I will try to keep my blog updated as much as possible.. I am enjoying this 3-day weekend a lot though. I'm not quite sure how my blogs started turning into little life updates, they used to just be about my feelings. But yeah, of course the picture I chose is because I realize my love for Daniel is just overwhelming at this point, I could never ever ever walk away from him. He has treated me like absolute shit and I have still stuck by with him through all of it and I always will. He is the one guy that I can and will do that for. And yes I fell in love with Wil, but it was never the same love that I had for Daniel and I realize that now. It was so much less powerful, Daniel was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart and I told him that. He needed to know. It didn't freak him out, he said that it made him smile. 

Chasing Changes

Chasing Changes,

So I'm not sure how I can just sum up all of the crazy that has been going on lately, but I guess I will try. School is starting soon, I'm still dieting with my mom, we have been doing pretty good. We are going to Galveston this weekend to take my brother back to college.. We got two new kittens, and sold Sika. I'm working on selling my snake but not sure if I will get any takers. The kittens are Savannah and Sahara, I paid 200$ each for them, broke my savings completely to get them but hopefully I will make some of that money back in good time.. I applied at sonic today, not sure if I will get a job there but it never hurts to try right? OH! I started having back pain flare ups really bad, I had to quit my job at subway.. They refused to move me to days and I was tired of working pre-closing, breaking my back to do heavy lifting and stuff that my chiropractor said I shouldn't do, so my mom scheduled a appointment with a spinal surgeon on the 27th to go get stuff checked out. My other doctor said he didn't see anything on my x-ray though so we are yet to have any idea what is causing the pain, nothing serious I hope.. I got a MRI a few days ago, that was fun .. sitting in a machine for 40 minutes haha I just kind of let my mind wander.. and of course it wandered to Frank and then to Wil and I just made myself sad thinking about all of the stuff that has changed. Me and Frank are doing better now, we stopped talking for about a week but I texted him again and he's all moved into his apartment and doing better, I don't think I will come on so strong every again though. Wil was texting me a few days ago too and was telling me that he'd move back closer when I got my own apartment, and thats what I was up all night thinking about.. I didn't know what to do for college all of a sudden, just all of a sudden I got this huge thought in my mind that I should change everything.. just study my basics in Texas and not have to financially challenge my family so soon while my brothers in college as well, I just didn't know.. cause then if I stayed here I would be with Wil.. but I never EVER wanted to base my plans around a guy, cause who knows how well we will stay together until January when I graduate.. and even then, I don't have a job currently to even afford a apartment unless I moved in with Ashley and Corbin like she was suggesting. But god, another thing happened with Ashley last night.. which is what just made me hate her in the first place, (If you read this, sorry boo it's my diary), She just acts like her relationship is SO perfect, that they are eachothers soulmates and going to be together forever and get married and everything is going to work out so perfectly.. but in life that is so rare and she won't listen to any reason, and that is why we stopped talking in the first place.. because she was so love struck that she didn't pay attention or care about what anyone said about the risks of planning your entire life around some guy.. but you know it's whatever, I stopped talking to her last night before I got too pissed because I can't stand to talk to someone who thinks that they're always right and don't want to even pretend to listen to reason.. Especially since i've been exactly in her position but noooo we're "different people" and "have dated different guys", surely nothing will happen to her and him.. nope nothing.. cause life always goes exactly as planned.. Ugh anyways. I don't know what else is going on really.. John is begging me to come down to florida for college, I don't think he has really fully realized that if I wanted to be with him, I would, but I don't and I never will.. I know that sounds so harsh but he has no qualities that I want in a guy, at all.. and that is Kaitlyn's cousin, how creepy would that be if we got together, she would have to be at our wedding! Agghghhhhhh I am like cringing from just the idea of that.. No no no no nNoNO. I've been talking to Connor too, but he is going into the navy or marines or whatever, isn't even going to our school this year, But it's kind of hard to tell someone thats MY reason for not dating them, sounds selfish right? But It would be a long distance relationship and he could die, no I couldn't handle that.. He's a nice guy.. Not for me though. Oh.. and about school, I graduate in january officially.. I have aquatic science, goverment, english and then foundations of college math, how fun.. I hate having math at the end of the day but I have a friend in it so hopefully I won't struggle too hard.. OH and I also had a huge change and took out my tongue piercings and my snakebites, and got my nose done instead, I'm not sure what made me want to change everything so quickly and so suddenly but I enjoy it.. I feel like I don't look so punkish and I just look more myself I guess. I don't know, I kind of miss them but they were just in the way, always terrified of them falling out and stuff like that. My nose piercing didn't hurt at all, maybe a 2/10 pain.. I ripped it out accidentally while showering last night though, OW! That one didn't feel good at all haha I need to be more careful but I had gotten soap in my eyes ack  >.<, Everything else will all of my friends is going ok I guess, I haven't talked to too many people over the summer.. I don't know if that will change when school starts either actually.. I feel like this year is going to be very very very lonely...

Torturing Myself

Torturing Myself,

So as of now I don't really know what's going on. I'm dieting with my mom currently, doing pretty well on that.. just working and waiting for the summer to end but dreading when it does.. Everything seems to be okay.. Me and Frank were doing pretty well but he's not texting me as much anymore, hard to get him to even respond sometimes.. I don't feel like I should waste my time anymore. I wish Wil was here. He called me two days ago, just updated me on what was going on with his life. It was nice to hear his voice and him tell him that he loves me. He is my second love, and that I know very well now. He's not going to be my last love.. but he is someone I will never forget even though our lives have been parted from eachother. He was the first guy after Daniel to show me that I was worth something and I deserved to be happy. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine.. I didn't worry about losing him ever, he always called me beautiful and held me and kissed me and made me feel loved, he always texted me and called and wanted to be with me and do the little things, go out on dates, and make me happy when I was feeling down. I wish he would come back. Did I already write about that? I don't know... I got a new fish tank today! Spent 153$ on it so far, haven't bought the fish yet though haha.. That's all my hard earned money but it's what I've been wanting lately. So I guess I thought I should spoil myself because nobody else is going to spoil me! I'm not quite sure what direction I want to go with my life right now. I'm not desperate, but I feel alone. I want to feel loved, I don't like only hearing from Wil every now and then, I want him to call me everyday and make me feel like he's actually here when I know he's not.. and the sad thing is, he's not going to be visiting.. like ever. I hate always falling for the wrong people, when am I ever going to learn.. Never I guess. I'm not even sure why I write these blogs anymore honestly, they don't comfort me, they just make me review my life and realize that I'm going back and forth, not going anywhere.. I'm never going anywhere.. I swear if I have to stay in this town forever, I'm going to be so pissed. All the people are just the same here, nobody is real, everybody is just fake and desperate to get laid.. can't find anybody worth anything now-a-days, nobody wants to commit to one girl and fall in love, they just want to have sex then pack their shit and get out as soon as possible.. I wish the world wasn't like that. I don't want to kiss on our first date, I want to wait, for everything, I want to be slow. Because if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, why rush through everything? The more you do things, the more you take them for granted and thats my problem in life. I still take things for granted, even though I shouldn't.. even though I realize I do. But I take for granted that there are guys in my life that love me and would do anything for me, but they are just not enough. I am not picky with guys, I mean I don't like to think I am.. but there are just some requirements that if you don't meet, you don't pass. I will never be able to long distance date, nobody will ever be able to get that commitment and faithfulness out of me, just impossible.. I am way too physical and needy and dependent of a person to do that. I need somebody here with me NOW, not a i'll see you every few months, few weeks or even a few days relationship. I need to know that if I was sick and needed you there that instant, you could be there in a few minutes or a hour or something. I just need that type of comfort in my life, because I hate feeling so alone like I do right now. That if I were to scream and cry, nobody would be here.. because nobody is here.. I can text and text and text but what else can I do if nobody responds? Where does that leave me? Where does that leave me and Frank? We are falling apart and it's just ridiculous. I'm tired of being the only goddamn one trying to make things work, and I shouldn't have to keep doing this.. I'm torturing myself.. absolutely torturing myself.. but I'm also joking myself if I think I can find a new guy that thinks I'm attractive and would want to be with me that could fit my requirements.. I am just batshit crazy. I'm going to be alone forever.. and that thought scares me to death. 

Pulling Away

Pulling Away

          So I should honestly stop lying to myself, I always tell myself that I'm going to write more frequently but then when the time comes to it, or something interesting happens in my life, I always put off telling my blog or diary or whatever this is about it, Maybe because I know that I will get over it eventually and I won't be upset about it forever and it's not worth mentioning or something.. I don't know. But anyways, Since my last blog me and Frank have worked everything out until today.. We've been arguing all day basically just about stupid stuff and he just says "Bye" and says he'll talk to me later or whatever.. but he told me something that just ruined my whole day.. he said that during the three weeks that me and him stopped talking (so like the end of June, beginning of July), after we broke up he slept with some girl... and I was just honestly.. dumbfounded... like there were just no words I could say, I was in utter shock and I just couldn't believe that wil did that to me and then frank did that to me TOO? really? Ridiculous. He just kept saying that it was because he was hurt after our break up and blah blah, but what the hell is up with these guys. I don't care how hurt you are, you don't go sticking your dick into any willing girl's vagina just because you think it will make you feel better.. like how is that going to let you win that person back? Wouldn't that just push them farther away from you? Cause I take that as a , you don't love me enough to stay faithful to me even in times of need, so why should I be with you ever again if you can find comfort in some other girl? And I guess maybe that's just my thinking because I did that.. after me and Daniel broke up, I seeked comfort in other guys that I couldn't even think twice about being with anymore now and I felt so bad for doing that, it was stupid and what did that accomplish? It didn't make me feel any better about the break up, I wasn't any less hurt and I was just more guilty and felt disgusting.. like I had been tainted in a way that I couldn't get off of me.. and I know that sex can just be sex sometimes but seriously.. there is more to sex than just sex.. you have to kiss that person, touch them, let them touch you, in every intimate way that is only supposed to be by lovers.. and to let a stranger, or somebody that you don't love.. do that to you... how is that nothing? How does that mean NOTHING in a guys eyes? I know sex isn't as special to guys as it is to girls.. but if you have so much meaningless sex with random girls, how is it ever going to be meaningful with the RIGHT girl? You just wear yourself out and it becomes just another part of life.. It's supposed to be important and special and passionate with your partner.. just some sweaty floppy spur-of-the-moment thing.. I'm just.. I can't even begin to know why I deserve this.. I don't know how I end up meeting these shitty guys that don't even begin to treat me the way I want to be treated.. the way that I believe I should be treated... anyways, but before all of that.. I flew out to Florida to go see my old friend John, I don't know if I've ever written about him honestly, but he's a close friend.. but the First night I was there we got into a text fight and he ended up spending 220$ to change my flight to leave on the 26th instead of the 31st.. but before my flight in the morning, he came home and we worked it out and it wasn't a fight anymore and he begged me to let him change the flight back but all I had on my mind was that I wanted to get home and be with Frank and see him and be loyal to him, even if we aren't dating.. I care about him so much, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a backlash from the breakup with wil... ANYWAYS off topic sorry. But yeah, John begged and begged and begged and was like close to tears trying to get me to stay, but I ended up getting to the airport and leaving and I was so sad during my flight but I knew it was for the best.. or at least I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, to come back home to my boring Texas and my boring family and my boring job.. I gave up the vacation of the summer.. but I guess it doesn't matter.. right? Just one more year to freedom, 5 months to graduation.. I can make this, I can do this.. I can get through anything if I believe.. and one day it will look up for me, but right now all I can do is sit here and miss all the people who have walked out of my life and will never come back.. and how much of that was my fault.. I thought of Alex for the first time in a LONG time the other day, he got a car and a license and hes working on trying to date a new girl, I didn't talk to him directly of course but I heard from Ashley.. I'm glad.. I was so worried that he wouldn't ever get out of the stump he was in. I really broke his heart, but it was never supposed to be that way.. I set my sights to never break any hearts like Daniel broke mine and all I do it seems anymore is break hearts left and right, but it's because nobody is good enough for me.. I'm so picky and the second that I get comfortable with my decision in the person I want to be with, something changes, they change, I change, the situation changes, they move.. Time can stop repeating itself again because I'm getting real sick of it. I don't want to keep typing, but I'm upset and I don't know if this is going to ever help me but I want to know what I was thinking when I come back and read this later.. so I'm going to tell you, I feel like shit. I feel like my love is never going to be enough, not for frank, not for wil, or for daniel or anyone.. and I'm doomed to just live my life settling with the guy that I can't love. And that is what scares me the most. I don't want to settle like my mom did.. They worked out perfectly, but you can tell that she would be happier with someone else, she wouldn't have to had used a sperm donor, she would know that her kids were a product of love and not fake fertilization.. I wonder if my dad ever thinks about that actually, wishes that maybe he would have married somebody who never wanted kids.. OH! Forgot to mention that we were GOING to move, but at the last minute the buyers pulled out of the sale and my parents decided to keep the house, bummer.. Got my hopes up, but nothing new with being let down..

Another Chance

Another Chance,

So these past few days have been pretty shitty honestly. Things are just starting to look back up. But this weekend was the worst I have been in a while, I started trying to talk to Frank again and he just completely rejected me and told me that I was never going to change and that I basically wasn't going to be good enough to be his friend and that he has a girlfriend now and blah blah, I cried and cried and cried and I relapsed into cutting and I was upset the entire weekend.. But last night me and him talked and we got everything settled. And I guess when you look at it, he had a reason to hate me and be mad at me, because all of this time I have just been leading him on and not wanting to date him.. but after last night we talked and I told him that I wasn't going to be sending anymore mixed signals, that from now on I'm going to be clear and that I want him and want to be with him. I don't really know what he's thinking honestly but he seems happy to know that everything is cleared up now. I just want us to try to date again but I am doubtful that we could ever get back to that. He came to visit me during work today and I swear the second he walked in the door, my heart just started racing and I got so shakey and so nervous and butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't focus on anything but him and I haven't felt that way in so long.. It wasn't bad.. it just made me so overwhelmed with emotion to see him and have him there at my work. He kept smiling at me as he ate from across the store.. and it was just fulfilling and made my day complete. Then two of my other friends came and saw me, and today was really good. I worked from 10 am to 4:30 but we were really slow at the end and I got to sit down and talk with Connor for about a hour, he's pretty interesting but I'm not sure if we have too much of a connection.. I'm scared to get involved with him because I want to be with Frank.. but Frank has a girlfriend right now, no matter how good of friends we get back to being.. he will not dump her for me. So.. me and Connor are going to see Grown Ups 2 tomorrow and he's paying for me, It's obvious that he really likes me. I like him too.. but I think that I'm crazily in love with Frank.. but I can't be with him right now and I don't want to mess with his relationship so I'm going to just try to pursue other people like he is. Nothing too much is going on. I started a new diet with my mom, taking green coffee bean extract so we will see how that goes in about a month.. I found out my brother is cheating on his girlfriend of two years with HIS best friend's little sister.. I told his girlfriend about what I found and all she said is that she understood because she messed up too (I assume she cheated too), she wasn't mad or anything about it which I guess is amazing.. shes a great girl honestly but I wish my brother was being better to her. Anywho.. I feel pretty pissed that I relapsed back into cutting, but I couldn't help it.. and I think I had been clean for about 2 months? And I just ruined it because I let my emotions control me.. but I feel so strongly about him,and I couldn't realize that until wil got out of the picture. I was dating Wil and I didn't admit to myself that I had any feelings for Frank until me and Wil were officially over and then it became clear to me that I actually cared more for Frank as a friend than I ever cared for Wil as a couple.. I mean they aren't really comparable though, they are such different types of relationships and I just have no words to describe either of them.. Wil.. I loved him, I think I loved him.. but he was immature and he drug me down with all of his negativity towards life and his family.. Frank.. is a lot different, he's mature and grown up and I mean yeah he has his faults, but he understands me a lot better than most people. but besides all of that, nothing else is really going on I guess. I usually have so much to write about but I really don't today. I'm surprised I haven't written about Daniel in a while, he's still important to me but he's just not in my thoughts that much anymore, he hasn't talked to me in months, he probably doesn't even think about my anymore.. and I now can go a day or two without him even crossing my mind, which is a lot better than thinking about him all during the day or multiple times during the day and being continuously upset about him not talking to me.. It's just not worth being upset about anymore.. He is never going to love me and I got that through my mind. 

Every Time

Every Time,

    So honestly I don't know where to start. I think so much has changed, so quickly that I have hardly had time to breathe but I'm going to try to start from the top. Wil found out a week ago that he was being kicked out of his home, back to San Antonio.. He left on the 7th, his birthday.. I was mood swinging the entire week which is terrible timing.. and I was upset the day he left that I didn't go say goodbye to him and I felt so bad. I haven't talked to him since then, he's probably partying it up with his mom while I'm stuck here feeling more alone than ever. It's exactly the way it was with Daniel.. Left for a new city, a new life, one without me and I'm left here wondering if anyone is ever going to stay with me.. and if I will ever be good enough for someone to say NO. I'm not going to go. Because I love her enough that I need to be with her, I can't leave her like that.. and that's why I just don't believe that anyone has loved me. Because nobody ever has stayed here for me, when they had the option to go, they left.. and they didn't look back and that's pretty pathetic. I don't honestly think that anyone has the standards I have for love I guess.. but love to me.. is dropping everything for the person you want to be with.. Following them or refusing to leave their side, because they are your life.. I don't know if I will ever find that love again though, I'm not even truly sure if it exists. But I miss Wil.. A lot. A lot more than I expected, but I know that in time he will forget me and I will forget him and I will have to move on just like I have before, theres no time to wallow in self pity like I did before. What else happened? Hmm.. Well I got a job at Subway! I was hired instantly during my interview and I started 2 days later, I've been working for 2 weeks so far I think, I got the hang of everything mostly, but I hate that the people I work with ALWAYS tell me what to do.. I'm like uhm I know I'm new but I'm not stupid, I know what i'm supposed to be doing and when I'm supposed to do it, I don't need any reminders. I enjoy some of my co-workers though, they're all guys except one other girl who goes to my school who has a total bitch in middle school.. I haven't had a shift with her yet though, so I don't know how that will go. I'm working about 20 hours a week, only have 2 days off a week.. It's not hard work and the customers are pretty easy and always happy. We share our tips which kind of sucks, I wish we didn't have to.. just doesn't seem fair to me. It's a good distraction from life and home though, I don't really have any friends to hang out with so it's giving me something to do during the summer and make money..  I enjoy having a job again but I still wished I worked at Domino's, thats where I was comfortable with and I got great tips and made some good money! And barely worked, so I could still have a social life.. Hmm.. What else? Me and Ashley are friends again, not really as close as we used to be but working on healing.. she doesn't really text back much though, I guess she's busy with work or her boyfriend. Who knows. John bought me a plane ticket to come see him in Florida July 26-July 31st, so i'm excited cause thats the only vacation I'm going to get this entire summer.. I hope I have fun, I'm nervous to fly alone and I'm also nervous to meet his dad and be staying with them and everything... I'm also nervous that I will just be really bored while he's at work and will have nothing to do..  I'm excited to see him though and see the Key West and everything. He was talking about how expensive engagement rings are though.. I honestly hope he doesn't have the brilliant idea to propose to me while I'm down there.. I already told him that I wasn't interested in starting a relationship.. and especially not with him, he's over a thousand miles away, what kind of relationship would that be?! I can't handle long distance.. it's why me and Wil aren't even trying to do long distance.. well that and he doesn't have a phone right now. Damn. I miss him. I swear the best things in my life tend to leave just when I get so used to them being around. I wish life didn't do that to me. I found my first college I'm applying to! CSI-CUNY!!! I'm excited! The application for 2014 fall isn't out yet or I'd already apply.. But it looks like such a great school and it's one of the most affordable for out of state tuitions AND it's in New York! If I got accepted I would just flip lol. I'm so excited to start my future, but I still have senior year to go and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm taking my ACT in Septemeber, had to pay 50$ for that, bleh. I'm not excited for that but it's necessary. I'm considering retaking the SAT but I had like a 1590 score, which isn't too bad but it isn't fabulous.. which honestly I don't know if I could do better if I re-took it, I tried my hardest on it already. My birthday is on the 18th.. I was planning a huge party but I canceled it, I just don't really want to do anything for it.. I want to get my industrial pierced and thats about it. Maybe hang with a few friends, get a cake, but nothing special.. turning 17 is not important. nothing to celebrate about me being alive either.. I don't know what else is really going on in my life.. Me and Frank aren't talking.. I keep thinking about changing that but I know he's just done with me. And I don't want to interrupt his life with me being around.. I do that enough with everyone else, I should spare him the burden of me. My family's doing good, I don't get to see them much because I've been working and they've been working.. I don't think much else is going on in my life lol. Sika is about 3 months old, she knows sit and shake. She's working on lay down but hasn't mastered it yet... And that's about it ~ 

Hopeless Place

Hopeless Place,

So it's another night.. spending it typing on my bloggity blog blog. I don't know what to say.. My parents got back from their vacation today, and they took me out to dinner and I ate.. that was 4 days straight with no food though, and I'm ashamed of myself for eating.. but that's not the point. I was kinda snappy with my parents when they first got home, because I missed the quiet of the house, nobody caring if I was dressed or in pajamas, makeup or hair done or nothing done at all.. I didn't miss my parents at all.. I hated having a huge house all to myself mostly, because I felt like it was just too big for me all alone.. but I was annoyed to have them back.. and they just wanted to tell stories about their time on vacation and I just didn't want to hear it.. I wasn't mad that they went without me, that was my choice.. but I'm mad because I'm stuck in this city and town and life for about 7 months at the minimum.. and all I want to do is pack up and leave, get away.. I need my own vacation desperately.. What do you do when your demons will always follow you though? My parents just want to take me camping, cause they feel bad that I missed out on vacation.. but I hate camping.. and my mom has the nerve to tell me that I am leading guys on, by hanging out and talking to them and that there honestly should be no guys invited to my birthday party next month.. I don't understand her.. Can I not have male friends? I mean I know that every guy I am inviting has liked me or is an ex-boyfriend, but I am still friends with them and that doesn't change anything and I know it offends people to think that they were not invited to something important like this because they thought I didn't like them or something.. I just couldn't do that to someone. I didn't want to leave anybody out this time. I feel like every single day of my life I always have to make decisions that I don't want to make.. I have to look in the mirror and decide what I want to wear everyday, and what I don't look fat in, and everything like that.. but I look fat in everything, you see my problem? I don't care how many people tell me that I have the perfect body, perfect figure, they're jealous of me, that I lost weight too fast.. no... But I keep switching topics, I apologize.. My brain is just scattered I guess.. I really want to talk to somebody right now. I wish I could.. I don't know what I would say, I don't know why I even want somebody to talk to.. but I just need to cry because I haven't in so long and it's frustrating to know that I am at a point that I am too sad to cry. And it's not like there's any way to comfort me.. I don't know what to do or why I am even so sad.. I got really really drunk last night, after making a stupid mistake.. and the drunker I got, the happier I became and I stopped stressing about everything that was worrying me.. I understand why people become alcoholics now.. I mean I didn't like that everything was spinning and I could hardly stand or walk, but I appreciated the mind numbness and the pure honesty that flowed through my mind when I was texting one of my close friends.. I rarely ever say what I truly want to say to people.. and that's what kills me.. I wish I had the brutal honest quality inside of me, that I wasn't afraid to hurt people who have hurt me. Wil asked me today something that made my mind implode, he asked me if he even interested me anymore.. what I was to him.. was I even trying in the relationship? I said no to the last one, but I don't think he knew that I truly wanted to say that no, I was not interested in him anymore.. and that's what made my mind put everything in to piece. He no longer interested me, He was BORING ! And I didn't realize that until now, didn't ever consider the relationship to be that adjective until now; uninteresting. But it makes perfect since.. because everything with him is predictable, we don't talk, we make out and have sex, we don't go anywhere, we stay in, he begs for money or rides or anything from me, can't repay it back.. and it's always the same.. but I didn't even have the heart to tell him that I basically already dumped him.. I guess he didn't see my Facebook relationship status.. So he still thinks we are dating.. and It's times like these that I wish I was cruel and heartless and bitter inside because being nice gets me drug and trapped in situations that are make me hopelessly miserable.. and it's nights and days and weeks and years like these that make me want to leave this city, so many memories here... Mostly not good anymore.. they were good at the time, but now they just cause me pain.. and it's not like I can avoid driving past certain places, they are necessary to go by sometimes.. and it just brings everything back that I forgot still upset me.... I've been thinking I am completely over my first love... but no.. I looked at his photos yesterday.. and I cried.. cried because we should have been together, cried because his girlfriend is probably 1000x the person I could ever be, cried because our love is no longer existent, cried because I pushed him away and made him hate me, cried because they looked so happy together, they looked great together.. cried because he is happy and I am not. I'm stuck here.. alone.. every single night.. Nobody in my arms, nobody who makes me happy like he did.. and that feeling.. really kills you sometimes.. like a dagger to the chest.. but I shouldn't have looked at those photos... I couldn't help it.. I am forever tortured by the possibilities of the what if.. the could have, should have, never will be... but I looked at my parents today, I saw how in love they were.. and it didn't matter how my mom looked, if she was overweight or had stretchmarks or had anything flawed with her.. she would always be beautiful to my dad. And I wondered if that is just in marriage, if only my dad is like that, or all guys are like that, or what.. because I could never imagine a guy seeing me completely naked, stretchmarks, acne, hair not done, no makeup, and being able to call me beautiful.. and if he did.. I would never believe that he was being truthful..