Another Chance

Another Chance,

So these past few days have been pretty shitty honestly. Things are just starting to look back up. But this weekend was the worst I have been in a while, I started trying to talk to Frank again and he just completely rejected me and told me that I was never going to change and that I basically wasn't going to be good enough to be his friend and that he has a girlfriend now and blah blah, I cried and cried and cried and I relapsed into cutting and I was upset the entire weekend.. But last night me and him talked and we got everything settled. And I guess when you look at it, he had a reason to hate me and be mad at me, because all of this time I have just been leading him on and not wanting to date him.. but after last night we talked and I told him that I wasn't going to be sending anymore mixed signals, that from now on I'm going to be clear and that I want him and want to be with him. I don't really know what he's thinking honestly but he seems happy to know that everything is cleared up now. I just want us to try to date again but I am doubtful that we could ever get back to that. He came to visit me during work today and I swear the second he walked in the door, my heart just started racing and I got so shakey and so nervous and butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't focus on anything but him and I haven't felt that way in so long.. It wasn't bad.. it just made me so overwhelmed with emotion to see him and have him there at my work. He kept smiling at me as he ate from across the store.. and it was just fulfilling and made my day complete. Then two of my other friends came and saw me, and today was really good. I worked from 10 am to 4:30 but we were really slow at the end and I got to sit down and talk with Connor for about a hour, he's pretty interesting but I'm not sure if we have too much of a connection.. I'm scared to get involved with him because I want to be with Frank.. but Frank has a girlfriend right now, no matter how good of friends we get back to being.. he will not dump her for me. So.. me and Connor are going to see Grown Ups 2 tomorrow and he's paying for me, It's obvious that he really likes me. I like him too.. but I think that I'm crazily in love with Frank.. but I can't be with him right now and I don't want to mess with his relationship so I'm going to just try to pursue other people like he is. Nothing too much is going on. I started a new diet with my mom, taking green coffee bean extract so we will see how that goes in about a month.. I found out my brother is cheating on his girlfriend of two years with HIS best friend's little sister.. I told his girlfriend about what I found and all she said is that she understood because she messed up too (I assume she cheated too), she wasn't mad or anything about it which I guess is amazing.. shes a great girl honestly but I wish my brother was being better to her. Anywho.. I feel pretty pissed that I relapsed back into cutting, but I couldn't help it.. and I think I had been clean for about 2 months? And I just ruined it because I let my emotions control me.. but I feel so strongly about him,and I couldn't realize that until wil got out of the picture. I was dating Wil and I didn't admit to myself that I had any feelings for Frank until me and Wil were officially over and then it became clear to me that I actually cared more for Frank as a friend than I ever cared for Wil as a couple.. I mean they aren't really comparable though, they are such different types of relationships and I just have no words to describe either of them.. Wil.. I loved him, I think I loved him.. but he was immature and he drug me down with all of his negativity towards life and his family.. Frank.. is a lot different, he's mature and grown up and I mean yeah he has his faults, but he understands me a lot better than most people. but besides all of that, nothing else is really going on I guess. I usually have so much to write about but I really don't today. I'm surprised I haven't written about Daniel in a while, he's still important to me but he's just not in my thoughts that much anymore, he hasn't talked to me in months, he probably doesn't even think about my anymore.. and I now can go a day or two without him even crossing my mind, which is a lot better than thinking about him all during the day or multiple times during the day and being continuously upset about him not talking to me.. It's just not worth being upset about anymore.. He is never going to love me and I got that through my mind. 

Every Time

Every Time,

    So honestly I don't know where to start. I think so much has changed, so quickly that I have hardly had time to breathe but I'm going to try to start from the top. Wil found out a week ago that he was being kicked out of his home, back to San Antonio.. He left on the 7th, his birthday.. I was mood swinging the entire week which is terrible timing.. and I was upset the day he left that I didn't go say goodbye to him and I felt so bad. I haven't talked to him since then, he's probably partying it up with his mom while I'm stuck here feeling more alone than ever. It's exactly the way it was with Daniel.. Left for a new city, a new life, one without me and I'm left here wondering if anyone is ever going to stay with me.. and if I will ever be good enough for someone to say NO. I'm not going to go. Because I love her enough that I need to be with her, I can't leave her like that.. and that's why I just don't believe that anyone has loved me. Because nobody ever has stayed here for me, when they had the option to go, they left.. and they didn't look back and that's pretty pathetic. I don't honestly think that anyone has the standards I have for love I guess.. but love to me.. is dropping everything for the person you want to be with.. Following them or refusing to leave their side, because they are your life.. I don't know if I will ever find that love again though, I'm not even truly sure if it exists. But I miss Wil.. A lot. A lot more than I expected, but I know that in time he will forget me and I will forget him and I will have to move on just like I have before, theres no time to wallow in self pity like I did before. What else happened? Hmm.. Well I got a job at Subway! I was hired instantly during my interview and I started 2 days later, I've been working for 2 weeks so far I think, I got the hang of everything mostly, but I hate that the people I work with ALWAYS tell me what to do.. I'm like uhm I know I'm new but I'm not stupid, I know what i'm supposed to be doing and when I'm supposed to do it, I don't need any reminders. I enjoy some of my co-workers though, they're all guys except one other girl who goes to my school who has a total bitch in middle school.. I haven't had a shift with her yet though, so I don't know how that will go. I'm working about 20 hours a week, only have 2 days off a week.. It's not hard work and the customers are pretty easy and always happy. We share our tips which kind of sucks, I wish we didn't have to.. just doesn't seem fair to me. It's a good distraction from life and home though, I don't really have any friends to hang out with so it's giving me something to do during the summer and make money..  I enjoy having a job again but I still wished I worked at Domino's, thats where I was comfortable with and I got great tips and made some good money! And barely worked, so I could still have a social life.. Hmm.. What else? Me and Ashley are friends again, not really as close as we used to be but working on healing.. she doesn't really text back much though, I guess she's busy with work or her boyfriend. Who knows. John bought me a plane ticket to come see him in Florida July 26-July 31st, so i'm excited cause thats the only vacation I'm going to get this entire summer.. I hope I have fun, I'm nervous to fly alone and I'm also nervous to meet his dad and be staying with them and everything... I'm also nervous that I will just be really bored while he's at work and will have nothing to do..  I'm excited to see him though and see the Key West and everything. He was talking about how expensive engagement rings are though.. I honestly hope he doesn't have the brilliant idea to propose to me while I'm down there.. I already told him that I wasn't interested in starting a relationship.. and especially not with him, he's over a thousand miles away, what kind of relationship would that be?! I can't handle long distance.. it's why me and Wil aren't even trying to do long distance.. well that and he doesn't have a phone right now. Damn. I miss him. I swear the best things in my life tend to leave just when I get so used to them being around. I wish life didn't do that to me. I found my first college I'm applying to! CSI-CUNY!!! I'm excited! The application for 2014 fall isn't out yet or I'd already apply.. But it looks like such a great school and it's one of the most affordable for out of state tuitions AND it's in New York! If I got accepted I would just flip lol. I'm so excited to start my future, but I still have senior year to go and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm taking my ACT in Septemeber, had to pay 50$ for that, bleh. I'm not excited for that but it's necessary. I'm considering retaking the SAT but I had like a 1590 score, which isn't too bad but it isn't fabulous.. which honestly I don't know if I could do better if I re-took it, I tried my hardest on it already. My birthday is on the 18th.. I was planning a huge party but I canceled it, I just don't really want to do anything for it.. I want to get my industrial pierced and thats about it. Maybe hang with a few friends, get a cake, but nothing special.. turning 17 is not important. nothing to celebrate about me being alive either.. I don't know what else is really going on in my life.. Me and Frank aren't talking.. I keep thinking about changing that but I know he's just done with me. And I don't want to interrupt his life with me being around.. I do that enough with everyone else, I should spare him the burden of me. My family's doing good, I don't get to see them much because I've been working and they've been working.. I don't think much else is going on in my life lol. Sika is about 3 months old, she knows sit and shake. She's working on lay down but hasn't mastered it yet... And that's about it ~