Wavering Sobriety

Alright so I just got off work. I'm sipping on coca cola and some blackberry whiskey. Lets see where the words will take us tonight.
First off, I don't know if I'm back in my phase of mood swinging or what but after vacation, I don't see me and Ashton lasting for long. I'm too difficult. I'm too difficult for anyone to be honest and I really just rather be single at this point rather than put anyone else through the hell that is ME.  Now let's be honest.. there are people out there who can handle the worst of people and I'd be considered easy, and I love those types of people but sadly I don't have enough of those people in my life. To most people I'm just difficult, stubborn, selfish, too loud, etc and all of that fun stuff. I don't want to really back out of my life though and stop being me, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. The alcohol is hitting me way too hard clearly cause I don't remember how I truly feel anymore. I work tomorrow and then by 10pm I am on vacation time! I'm honestly just praying that it goes smoothly... me and Ashton were already arguing about wether to bring a rig for dabs on the road trip. I paid for everything though and I feel like if I'm the one driving, I should have the say what goes in the car or not.. especially if it's my moms car.. I'm just terrified that the first out of state rave experience I'll have, will also be my first experience in jail. I'm also terrified that we wont have as much fun without our actual rave family going. It'll be just me and Ashton.. and the last two raves we went to, we weren't as close of a couple as we are now.. I think my cousin and her bf will be fine though. I just want everything to go according to plan.. but there really isn't a plan.. thats the issue. Perhaps I am a control freak, or perhaps I am just afraid of chaos. Perhaps I am just a cheater, and not really a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I am self destructive forever, not somebody who is recovering. How do we truly even define ourselves half of the time? I can't be the only person who argues with themselves about who they truly are inside, and how they really feel? I never know which feelings of mine are real and which ones are fake, I don't know whats contributed to PMS or bipolar, or which ones are truly established emotions. Don't you know how scary that is? I always have to wonder WHY I feel a certain why, I can't just accept it and move on. I can't just decide I don't love someone one day and then leave, because I don't know what makes me truly feel that way.. so I stay. and I stay. and I continue to stay. because the cycle repeats.. It always repeats.. thats why people ask me why I stayed with a guy who was abusive to be but... I couldn't ever reason the emotion to why I felt like I should leave him. Maybe I feel like I should be abused, maybe I feel like I should be pushed around and manipulated, maybe I need that in my life to show me how I used to act towards other people. I don't want to be in love with anyone at this point, I just want to be done. I don't want to keep pretending that I can love just one person and be committed to them. AT this point, i've already fucked up my relationship, that part is just a secret though. A secret I wish I wasn't hiding but theres not really any option. I keep a lot of secrets. But are they really secrets if sometimes they just never need to be told? I feel like it really fucks someone up inside to know that they have been cheated on. It really fucked me up. Maybe it was the fact that it was in person, maybe it was the fact that he didn't tell me himself, that the girl had to do it, maybe it was the fact that she was prettier than me and more than I could ever be. I don't know. How could I knowingly tell someone I cheated on them and deceived them when I know exactly how they will feel? Isn't it just easier to carry on as nothing happened? Or is that cheater logic? I feel like you should know when someone has been unfaithful, I feel like they carry an energy around them that tells you that they have been up to no good. I sure as hell felt the uneasiness of my ex before I knew why he was creating that aura. I just had a feeling that something was off, that something was bad, that I was being.. fooled? Maybe other people don't pick up that good of senses. I swear sometimes I'm crazy when I talk about auras and everything. I just constantly feel really in touch with the universe and other people. I know better than to let people lie to me and go behind my back, and perhaps that is why I'm so good at going behind others back.. Nights like this I really wish I could just take some pills and never wake back up.

Coming Out

Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. I wrote my feelings out last night and my ex messaged me while Ashton was spending the night. I didn't see it until 6am of course or I would have instantly messaged back.. but it's just so crazy that he messages me at the most random times. I knew he had been thinking about me, because I had been thinking about him too. Yesterday, I was talking to one of my friends and I have come to the conclusion that I am polyamorous/polgyamist  which is defined  as: a mating system in which an individual has more than one mate simultaneously that can either be male or female. And I'm also pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
 I honestly think this has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. but when I think about all of the relationships I have been in, I can honestly say that I have never been pleased with just one person. I always seeked more and more and more, even if my partner was giving me as much as they possibly could. I've cheated in all of my relationships, it doesn't matter how much I love/d that person, It still happens and I've come to the conclusion on the fact that I need more than one person. I don't say this as in the fact that I'm not "loyal" or "commited" to my partner, I say it in the means that I just don't work like that. My brain is not happy with being exclusive to one partner. I'm not happy single, and I'm not happy in a monogamous relationship, so I honestly think I need to explore my boundaries and see what will make me happy. I don't know if the bipolar could be playing a roll in this, or maybe it's just my sex drive.. I'm not really sure what is going on with myself. That's why I told Ashton last night that I needed to talk to him about something, but I wanted to wait until we took our trip to Colorado first. I just don't want anything potentially to ruin the relationship with 9 days left before we leave. I want everything to go smoothly. We were fighting all fourth of july weekend, but last night we spent together and we kinda got on eachothers butts a little bit but after it all, we watched a movie and cuddled and made out (and other stuff ;)) and it was an amazing night to get to enjoy the house to ourselves with our little puppy. It was much needed after being apart for almost two weeks. 
Admitting to myself that I am different is such a stressful thing though. I feel like society is going to outcast me for even speaking out loud my thoughts about this idea I have in my head. I just don't know how I'm ever supposed to be truly happy if I can't find a partner who is willing to be open to what I need. I mean.. In theory I think I'd be happy if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I can talk so much easier with girls than guys, but I can love equally both just as much as they need it. And then think about all the threesomes. (Hahaha... not really.. but... yeah.. thats a perk). But at the same time, it's not about sex. It's not about sex at all. I don't want sex from multiple people, I'm not greedy in that way (or am I?) I can be sexually satisified with just one person.. multiple times in a row.. I'm not really sure. That's why I'm afraid to speak these things to others.. Cause how can I explain it properly when I can't even think it out properly? All well. I guess time will tell. Funny how when I was younger, I never thought i'd be interested in girls.. let alone, be interested in dating more than one person at the same time.. BUT If I actually think about it, when I was younger and online dating, I was "dating" more than one person at once and it was so thrilling to me and thats what I enjoyed. I wish I had the chance to even try that, but the town I live in is definitely not accepting of that at all.. my parents wouldn't be accepting and I don't know if I could find a guy who loved me enough to share me. I think that's honestly a lot to ask out of partner and what if he just said yes to make me happy.. but deep down kept his negative thoughts towards it to himself? I don't want to do that. I just want to make other people happy, but if I need something out of a relationship... shouldn't I be able to get it? isn't love about sacrifice sometimes? I've sacrified a lot for all of my relationships.. I think if me and Ashton break up over this, the next person I date, I should be 110% honest with. I have jokingly asked Ashton if he'd let me have a girlfriend and he said yes.. but when I actually explain my real feelings.. I don't know if he would be so quick to say yes anymore.. or he might just think I'm lying to him so I can justify cheating on him or something. Who knows... But wouldn't it be cheating to try and find a second partner in the first place? Or is it all just consensual? I don't really know how this works. Someone help. 

Long Update

Wow. It's amazing to believe that I haven't written in this blog since October.. so much has happened. I really need to get back in to writing down my thoughts, you wouldn't believe how much mental progress it helps me make and how it helps me go back and realize how much I've changed. So lets see if I can catch myself up.. Me and Justin have broken up, we dated for about 7 months on and off, I can say it was the biggest roller coaster of my life. I honestly think we ended because of how emotinally abusive he got. I was terrified to do anything that would upset him, I couldn't hang with friends, and when I did.. he was calling me and texting me telling me that I needed to be spending time with him instead.. and after so much of that, I just got so sick of it. I don't remember exactly how or why we broke up but immediately after I cut ties with him, I've been dating a new guy. His name is Ashton, and currently we've been dating for almost 3 months. We started dating April 18th after we went to a rave called Something Wonderful (which got canceled half way through)... I've totally fallen in love with raves though. Our next one is Global Dance Festival in just 10 days! and in 11 days I will be 19. Crazy how time flies, I feel like I've only been 18 for a couple of months.. I've spent so much money on this trip. I had to pay for Ashton's ticket because he hasn't had a job in about a year. Now.. our realtionship is.. good? I guess.  I really can't say much. We've been kinda fighting when I wanted to go hang out with a guy friend and it reminded me so strongly of my ex that it just kind of put me off. I just can't possibly deal with another guy that wants to be controlling. But at the same time, I'm still crazy about Justin.We talked while I was dating Ashton and we hung out and he cried when he hugged.. I felt so awful, but we're both still crazy about eachother but after talking to him for a while, I saw that he hadn't changed as much as he said he had and I told him I was staying with my boyfriend.. then a few days after that he got a new girlfriend.. so I mean.. I wasn't that important to him obviously. Story of my life, yeah? Guys just wanna use you till they find the next girl to grip their claws in to I swear. Ashton, I think I love him but only time will tell. He's got some inner demons that I'm not sure he will ever conquer. He's a recovering addict and has a bad problem with alcohol.. I've threatened breaking up with him if he drinks anymore but who even knows. You can't stop someone who's determined to harm themselves.. and I know that on a personal level. I've relapsed a couple of times myself, shit just gets to me sometimes. I wish it wasn't that way. Me and my best friend Ashley stopped talking for a month or so, and thats when I just got so low.. and alot of my other friendships are fading too.. I guess thats the perks of growing up? I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life right now. Just living every day until I get somewhere better. I'm wanting to move soon enough, but I just want to take the plunge. I don't want to wait till I have money saved up or anything, I just want to go and see if I fall or fly. That's a crazy concept to most people but thats how I've lived most of my life and I feel like it teaches important lessons. OH. Me and Ashton got a dog together, he's a full bred Great Pyreenees.. his name is Apollo and hes a little cutie. Don't ask me what will happen to him if we break up... I would assume I get to keep him cause I paid for him ;). Now don't get me wrong.. Ashton isn't a cheap skate.. he just doesn't have money. and I've spent a lot of money on him... so to give up this relationship would really suck.. but for now, we're just making shit work between us. No real issues. He knows I'm crazy already and accepts it. He's showed me a little bit of his craziness, and it's hard to swallow sometimes but you know.. I guess that's what you have to do for love. I'm still working the same job at El Fenix.. been there since early October.. I still love it. Just lots of drama, I do adore my coworkers though. A few of us hung out last night and shared a blunt and some drinks, good times. I wish I had my own friends up in this shitty town but coworkers will have to be the closest thing to friends I have until I move. I've had a couple of love interests up at work but nothing I would ever end my relationships for. I hung out with a guy while I was single and he was the worst kisser EVER, and after that work was just really awkward.. but he got in a fight with a manager and quit so I guess that's good. I need to just not mess with people at work, I should know better than that.. but that's where my best relationship came out of, working at Domino's together (Wil <3). It's shocking I still talk to two of my ex's.. My very first ex and my longest relationship ex. They're both great guys, It's hard to become friends but damn if you really commit to it, it's possible. Ex's are people too, and I just believe that if you love someone, you're gonna think about them from time to time. Especially if you were intimate with them before. I find myself becoming more and more of a hypocrite though with things that I really need to chill out on. I wish I could find a way to fix that. Like.. for example.. if a guy that has been talking to me for a while, tells me that he just got laid or whatever I either get disgusted or disappointed or upset or something.. and it's not the fact that I don't like hearing about that stuff, it's just the fact that they text me and tell ME about it.. someone that they've admitted to liking and shit.. but at the same time i've told guys when I've gotten laid and stuff and I know they don't like it, but i've done it anyways.. so I dunno. something about me is just hardcore fucked up in my brain. I think I just get too attached to people and I expect them to be loyal to me (Even if i'm not loyal to them).. I'm going to start writing more frequently I promise..