No Hesitation

No Hesitation,

I apologize to well.. nobody.. because nobody reads my blog but if you do well I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, things just get repetitive you know? and I always feel compelled to write long blogs and if I don't have that much to talk about, then I usually don't write one..and that's how life goes. Nothing really new here. I'm still missing you like crazy, funny how it never seems to end right? The only new thing is that I'm kind of interested in someone new, I know he will never replace you or get anywhere close but if it's possible at all for anyone at all to at least take up SOME space of the hole in my heart, well then I want to go for it. It's hard to even think about flirting or being with some other guy, it feels so strange and I can almost feel the awkwardness in my mind, silly... right? But it really sucks because I know that if I started dating someone new and you wanted me back, I would drop him like that and come back to you, and I know that's a terrible thing.... My mom asked me yesterday in the car ride if I still loved you, I said yes with absolutely no hesitation, I didn't have to think about it or anything, She asked if I would ever go back to you, and I said yes. She asked if you had been leading me on at all, I said no.. because you are devoted to your fiancee, which is a great thing please don't get me wrong, I'm glad your faithful by why did you have to choose THIS relationship to be faithful in.. seriously? I put all my emotions and feelings into our relationship and I tried to keep it alive and all you could do was go and cheat because you wanted revenge... We messed up.... But I can only curse myself so much and cry so much before I go completely insane and I'm trying to avoid that haha. But on February 29th it will have been a month since I talked to your girlfriend on the phone, and that is the day I am going to text you, and I will raise hell if your little witch of a girlfriend decides that we still shouldn't talk.. because I've been damn well very patient. I swear you've driven me through hell and back and I don't even think you know it at all. It sucks that I have given you this much control over me, that you could completely take advantage of me and I would have no problem with it.. As long as you're in my life, preferably by my side, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Could I ever get that lucky..? Seriously? It sucks to have found the love of my life and I can't even win him back because some other girl has supposedly
"taken" my spot, well bad news for you sister, That's just not a spot you can ever take away from me now can you? It sucks when I have to see the pictures of y'all together on Facebook, It's almost as if you can feel tiny cracks spreading throughout my heart, I'm scared one day that it is going to shatter.. what am I going to do after that? I don't think anyone can ever recover from something like that.... On another note, I went and saw "The Vow" yesterday and I cried.. because I thought of me and you. And then I came home and dreamt of you, and you kissed me with such gentleness and romance that it was just like old times again and each kiss ignited sparks throughout us and all I could do was smile and feel giddy and joyful, but even the dream had to end.. I wish it hadn't. I wish reality could be that full of happiness, but sadly right now it isn't.. It's all about putting on a mask of smiles and laughs and having to act like I have moved forward when I really haven't. I'm nervous for the 29th.. I don't know whats going to happen.. Please just let ONE thing go my way finally for once.... Don't let her control you THAT much... You have the ultimate decision... Please make the right choice. 

Choose Love

Choose Love,

I'm tired today. I'm tired of the tears, I'm tired of the heartbreak, I'm tired of the silence, I'm tired of being ignored, I'm tired of trying to be happy all the time. The matter of the fact is, I'm SAD. I'm VERY sad. I miss you like fucking crazy and everything reminds me about you. Nobody sees the pain in my eyes when I have to smile and laugh when they bring up something you used to do when we all hung out.. Nobody is ever going to replace you.. They just simply can't. Nobody is going to fill the whole in my heart and make it all better again. No guy will ever be able to sweep me off my feet and forget everything that happened between me and you. Why life is so unfair? I found my happiness, I relied on it, I smiled every-day, but I thought it was too good to be true and now it's gone, Now I can't go a single day without busting into tears over you. It doesn't matter that you can go several days without even thinking about me, I can't. What type of "phase" last over 6 months?! I don't think I'm ever going to get over you. There is no "moving" on, I just wish nobody would ever mutter the phrase "move on" towards me because I can't and believe me if I could I fucking would, because it hurts so much to be in love with somebody that wouldn't even give me the time of day. Seriously.. What is it about you that makes you so irresistible to me? I know a bunch of other people can't see it or else you would have a ton of girls drooling at your feet (which is already kind of true..) Is it or me or something? Do I need therapy or something?! I'm so lost and dazed and confused and nothing ever makes me feel better.. I can't even make myself believe that you're happy with her.. all I can see is a lie, manipulation, re-bounding, etc... I'm just so proud of myself for holding myself together as well as I have, I never turned dark or anything but I have became angry and lashed out at people, but only one person and she was just pissing me off.. My emotions just flare up so suddenly and it's almost impossible to control... Maybe I'm the one who's fucked up.. maybe it's not just because he's with her that he doesn't want to be with me.. I don't know.. maybe I'm over-thinking things? or under-thinking? Fuck I don't know. I need guidance but I have never met someone who is in my position. Nobody comments on my blogs, I don't know why I write them. Just to please myself I guess. I don't know. I really just can't keep going like this, it feels like I'm walking on a tight rope and if I fall off, I don't know if I could ever get back up again. I can't obsess over you or stalk you or anything.. but I've never felt like I've needed someone SO much like this before. It's literally just like a intense craving that I just want to be in your presence, even if we aren't talking or touching or looking at each other, just to stand right next to you would be better than standing next to a very famous celebrity. Now I guess if somebody asked me if I would choose money over love.. I think I can say I'd choose love over money. Because if I was with somebody I really loved I'd already be extremely rich in my eyes. It really sucks too that my family is not accepting of you, I don't ever talk about you because all they have to say about you is bad things, they think you hurt me so much and that we were just troubled from the beginning, I've explained that it wasn't like that but my parents are so judgmental that it's terrible, first impressions are a huge deal with them I swear.. if you mess up at all they will just hate you for the rest of your life. My mom doesn't forget things easily... She finds a flaw in every single one of my friends and makes it hard for them to even come over to my house.. I seriously feel so alone right now. I need a hug, and somebody to kiss me and tell me it's all going to be better someday, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

To Waste

To Waste,

Today is your birthday. And today is also the first day of the winter that it snowed in Texas. Hopefully it'll stick to the ground and we can just have tomorrow off, that'd be great haha. But yeah. Happy Birthday~ You turned 18 today. I texted you and you didn't know who it was, but said thank you =D anyways. I told you who it was and you never answered back.. all well, I didn't expect you to randomly start talking to me again because It's your birthday anyways. I even posted on your Facebook Wall and congratulated you on becoming an adult! I'm not going to let your little witch fiancee take away my rights to wish you a happy birthday. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to write... I wanted to say how much I missed you and ask when you're visiting and blah blah, and put a little heart but I knew that your fiancee would NOT be very happy since it's obvious she'll read all your happy birthday wishes like a fucking hawk. But I'll write your birthday wish here instead.

Here's all the things I wanted to say: 

Dear, __________

Today is the day you were born, 18 years ago, and I'm so glad you were. You have brought so much joy and love into my life that I could not imagine life without you, I just want to kiss both of your parents on the cheek and thank them so much because they brought you into this world together. They did a fantastic job and I know that you are trying your best to achieve your goals in life. I love you to pieces and I want to see a lot of changes in your first year of adult-hood! I can only hope that you go far in your life from here on out, I want you to see that a girl should never hold you down and change your life plans into hers. You have a bright future, doing whatever you want to do. I really miss you, Please talk to me and visit me because I'm going crazy waiting for you. <3

I know that he will probably never see this message, I know that there is a possibility that me and him will not ever talk again. But a girl can only hope, wish, and pray. I really wish I knew when you were visiting though. I know it would just make me a feel a whole lot better if you were close to me and not several hundred miles away and in HER arms. She doesn't even deserve you.. and I can't believe that somebody other than me realized how amazing you are.. I was hoping that would never happen... I just want you all to myself. I'm so selfish. But I love you and you drive me fucking crazy. Just talk to me, please. Don't tell me you're going to be with her forever.. You shouldn't even be with her in the first place. You were supposed to be with me forever and ever babe. What happened to those promises? You said we were going to get married? Am I just dreaming? I can't let go, and it hurts. Please tell me that I'm holding on for a great reason, that one day you're just going to change your mind all of a sudden and rush into my arms. Don't let all my efforts and tears I've shed go to waste. I love you way too much to lose you. I've changed so much for you too, I know you can't see it, but you're not giving me a chance. 

Living Days

Living Days,

I haven't written in a long time it feels like, I tried last night but I just couldn't exactly find a picture to sum up my thoughts and you know.. no picture, no blog. I'm crazy like that. Life is.. boring but sad. I haven't heard anything from you, nobody knows when you're visiting, I can't text you for the fear your witch fiancee will see or answer or something. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move on to the future because I keep looking in the past and it makes moving on so much harder. There is literally nobody here for me to MOVE ON to, and that's basically why I'm stuck I guess, I just don't feel like anyone can love me the same way or kiss me the same way or hold me or anything. It hurts. You have no idea. I could cry over the phone a million times and you still wouldn't understand how much my heart aches and is pained for you. Maybe you just refuse to see it? I don't know. and I might never know. I just wish you would break it off with her. She's not right for you and I desperately wish for you to see that. Just talking to her once I can see ill-will within her. I can't exactly explain it. On another note, one of my ex-best friends overdosed last night, I hadn't talk to her in a while but I have her Facebook account information and read everything, she's not dead but her parents don't know. I hate that people have to feel like that and go to those extremes, she went back to her complete old ways, drugs, overdosing, sex, cheating, lying, etc. I knew that she had really never changed, I tried to make myself think that she had but it was too obvious she hadn't and now my suspicions were proved true. I know I'll never go to my past like that, I've changed too much and I don't want to ever be like that again. I want to prove to myself that I'm strong and can live by myself, I know that I'm constantly sad because I am alone but I would never put suicide as an option, if I can't live for myself, I will live for him because I love him, and I will live for my friends and family because they love me too. But right now I live for myself, because I want to see the future, I want to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time and smile down on her and just kiss her and watch her grow up. I know I'm young right now and those days are long off but just the hope and belief that I will see that some-day, keeps me going each day. Hmm sometimes I feel like my blogs are more about other people than me, but that's cool I guess. I just feel like I'm talking to somebody when I write my blogs, because I don't have a therapist or a friend that wants to hear everything that goes through my head. My blog has 74 page views as of now, and I doubt anyone has really taken the time to read everything here, but I don't mean this blog to be for any body but myself but if you are in the same position and you find inspiration or my blogs make you think, well then I have done a great thing.. right?! It's easy to find someone in the same position now-a-days, there are so many people that have had their heart broken and can't seem to get over it. Maybe it's just a girl thing, I'm not sure. Guys just don't give a fuck I guess.. I'm not saying their heartless, I just don't think they ever want to show a weakness.. I don't want anyone's walls to be built up that high. I just want you to talk to me, tell me everything you've ever thought, what you think now.... I wish I could go back to the past, or at least re-live it a few more times. Please come back to me, I need you. I didn't ever mean to hurt you. I can make it up if you gave me the chance, I promise.

Second Glance

Second Glance,

I don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel everything is back on repeat, everyday is kind of how it used to be before. Of course, there are no more thoughts of suicide or self-harm but the sadness and the trudging through the day are still there as shadows in my mind, they don't overtake me anymore but I can't help but sometimes think about them when I visit a spot that me and you used to hang out. Almost everywhere is a constant reminder, and it really sucks. And you know.. everyday that passes that I'm still single, makes me think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, nobody ever takes a second glance at me, nobody shows interest or anything, that's why I chose this photo... I just feel like everyone seriously hates me because I'm so confusing and weird.. I don't know.. I don't understand much anymore and it's just way over my head to try and comprehend and I don't want to keep stressing over things that I can't fix.. I'm actually really thankful for weekends though, they give me a great de-stressing time alone to myself and let me get the things done that I want to do and everything, I think I'd die without them.. School is just crappy. I can't wait for summer... or at least spring break.. I really want to start up and get back into art and everything but I'm not sure what to paint or draw or anything. Plus I'd have to go buy a bunch of acrylic paint and that gets expensive. I feel bad spending my moms money.. but I'm too young to get a job still.. Uhm... Not sure what else I can talk about.. I'm not sure why but I love buying people presents, just for the heck of it or for holidays/birthdays.. even though I know I'll never get an awesome gift back or anything, I do it just to see their reaction and see that I put a lot of time and effort and investing into their gift. Sometimes I wish people would do the same for me but I don't exactly expect it, because that's a rare possibility it'd ever happen haha. I went to the mall today to kind of shop around for birthday presents.... I found stuff that I really wanted to buy for you but my mom didn't really want me shopping for an ex-boyfriend, she said that she understood me buying things for my friends but not for an ex-boyfriend.. I was like jeez mom, why can ex-boyfriends not still be friends? She just never really liked him.. but she wasn't in the relationship so I don't ever expect her to understand. I didn't push her to let me buy anything for him either simply because I don't know when he's coming to visit and if he will even want to see me. If he comes down soon and wants to see me, I'll run and get him something but I just guess it's best to wait right now and not waste my money (my mom's money) on something that I'm not exactly certain will happen.... It's painful waiting and being ignored but hopefully it'll pay off eventually.. right? I don't even know when you're coming down here... I thought it would be this weekend but maybe it's the next so that it's closer to your birthday. I'm just putting all my hopes that you'll post a Facebook status and then I can make my plans/moves from there. Well.. that's about all I really thought about today.. I'm so boring right? 

Feeling Hopeful

Feeling Hopeful,

Well today my Chinese Water Dragon, Neptune, died. I woke up and found that he had drowned, I bawled my eyes out and so my day has been sucky. But I went and bought a new one, he's pretty cute, he was on sale so I went ahead and got him, hes very hyper and is jumping all over the cage and scaring me haha. Anyways, tonight I've been thinking about you. I was going through photos trying to find one that described how I was feeling today.. but really, none of them exactly fit. but I did have some good memories, I remember when you would kiss the scars on my arm and plead that you never wanted me to self-injure again, and I always promised. I can't say I kept that promise, but I never cut on my arm again. I haven't self-injured in a long time, It's not something I exactly miss, because the scars that are still lingering make me very self-conscious and embarrassed, but I still have pangs of wanting to do it again when I feel so useless and ugly that I don't deserve to even be remotely "pretty", "cute", "beautiful", "sexy" , etc. They'll pass with time because I don't give in anymore. but Yeah, Today for some reason I feel hopeful that we're going to hang out soon, I'm not sure why, I just feel like this will be a good month, full of accomplishments and other things. I can only hope my heart is steering me in the correct direction. Hopefully you'll post when you're down here and the second I see that message, I'll text you! Or call you.. whatever it takes. I'm going to the mall this weekend hopefully to pick up a birthday present. You know you're always in my thoughts. I wonder if we'll ever get back together.. and if we do.. What will happen to this blog? Will I continue it and keep it updated? Will I show you? Will I delete it and erase it all so it's never found again? I'm not really sure. I could just go back and edit a few things haha, because I know for a certain that I never want you to see me as ugly or a bitch. As far as the picture for this blog goes, You promised me you'd always love me.. and you promised we'd get married.. I just keep questioning myself is this is really the end or is this just a long break to get things together or what? I can't get the question out of my mind. I sometimes even wander off and day dream about you and all the questions and emotions I feel towards you during class and I completely miss what the teacher is saying, then I'm utterly confused haha... I know I've mentioned this before but I am really terrified of getting all my hopes up like this.. I'm trying not to.. but it's hard! Because you're going to visit soon and I'm just like having a panic attack just thinking about it... My heart races and cheeks flush and everything, even though there's still that doubt in my mind that you'd want to see me. I don't know anymore.. right now, life is confusing and I just.. I don't know.. I wish I could lose the weight faster by the time you get here, I know it won't make a huge difference to me but I want to see your face when you see how much weight I've lost! (If we hang out of course)! I know you'll freak! It'll be so funny. I'm not even sure what we would do or say or anything if we hung out.. I know I would want it to be alone, somewhere we could just sit and talk or something.. I'd wear really nice clothes and look my best, spend so much time on my make-up and just look my BEST for you. Because if you gave me that second chance that i'm praying you do, I can't afford to mess it up. I'm just scared that I'm going to be too pushy and freak you out or something.. I do want to get some facts across to you though.. because I do research on random topics, I want you to know that the brain does not fully mature until 25, and teenage marriages are twice or three times likely to end up and divorce, and even higher chances of divorce if one of the partners has divorced parents (which you do), I'm not sure about her.. but I know the stakes just don't look good against you. and I want you to know that in the least-pushiest way possible. I don't want to hurt you but I want to inform you and I want you to make a actual choice. I know you won't be able to move out, or financially support the marriage or anything, and that will cause a TON of conflict for the relationship, I highly highly doubt that either of y'all have thought this out at all, just stupid and blind thinking marriage is the key and that it's all going to be jolly when y'all were only engaged 4 months after dating. I don't know how well y'all know each other, but it can't be that well. but you know what, when it all falls apart, I'm here and I'll be here to comfort you and try to stifle my "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" Sorry, I love you but seriously... I want you to be rational about this. Marriage is a life commitment that I know you are not ready for yet, and won't be for a LONG time.