First Times

First Times,

So Today is three months with Wil.. It has been good, of course it has been filled with the ups and downs but I think that it gets better over time, right now of course it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere.. I actually don't feel like I'M going anywhere.. I feel kind of stuck in the same place now. Like I'm somewhat over the hurt that people have caused me in the past, but now I feel like I'm stuck in this one place and I'm not really sure how I move on from here.. Like my love for wil, it doesn't feel the same.. it doesn't feel as intense and passionate and raw.. and I wonder.. is it like this for everyone who tries to love again after the first heart break? Is it always not going to be AS good? Like the first time you get high, its the best thing because its a new experience and your body is a virgin to it, your mind a virgin to it, etc.. And then anytime you get high after that, it just isn't the same.. and that's why meth addicts chase their high.. chase that time they got high for the first time. Is that kind of how a love addict does as well? They chase that love they once had that they lost.. Is that what I am doing? Am I no better than a drug addict.. trying to chase something that will no longer be there.. trying to obtain a love that is raw and untampered as the very first time? It sounds like something I would do.. but it's not fair.. I don't know why everything has to be compared to him now.. I don't know why I keep making the same mistakes.. It's too late to leave Wil now though, it's too late to just brush him off and let him go.. but I can't imagine being with him for the rest of my life.. because there has to be better than this.. I have to be able to be happier than THIS. and the sad thing is, I've had a great day and then I come home and I get online and I start to ponder everything and that's when my mood just falls apart.. because I start seeing the holes in everything.. I start seeing the facade that the day wore so well.. It's so complicated and I wish that it wasn't so hard for me to keep on one straight narrow path. I'm stressed about starting my job on Wednesday . I don't even know why.. I've already worked once.. but something about leaving behind my past job and starting over just bugs me I guess.. I think I have such a strong mentality that I'm not good enough that I tend to just think that I will not be good enough for anything ever. I will not be good enough to ever love again, I will not be good enough to keep this job either.. I will always do something wrong in my life wether I'm trying my hardest or not.. and that's what bugs me. I have been a perfectionist for all of my life.. yet I have never shown perfect results.. and it kills me inside some days.. some days I can handle that I am not the best, but today.. it is bugging me for some reason. I'm indecisive.. and I feel just as trapped as I was with Alex.. but it's not like that.. it's not even close to my relationship with him.. They're nothing alike.. so why am I feeling this way? I feel like I am over my heartbreak.. but when I start getting a mirror and looking up close, I can still see those tiny little fractures that remind me that I am not perfectly okay just yet. I sometimes wonder if I should just learn to live with the pain, learn to live with everything not being as good as the first time.. I seriously need to talk to somebody who has gone through the same things as me because I have so many questions, I don't understand myself and I don't always understand what is going on in my life and how I am even handling anything.. I feel like things just tend to slip through my grasp and when there is a choice of good and bad, I tend to just choose bad because its the easier one, right? But for once.. I decided last night that I didn't want to cheat on Wil.. I didn't want to be interested in anybody else and I just wanted to stay with him.. and I think thats the first time I have ever told myself you know, you need to stick with one person, you don't get more than one.. There are so many single people in this world and I don't really understand why I should get more than one person.. I am not worthy of that and that's not fair to anyone who I am not dating, because that's just leading on and I'm not supposed to be that type of person.. I'm supposed to be faithful and secure and independent and trustworthy and lately I don't feel like any of that. Do I tell him that I've already cheated on him.. and hope that he forgives me? Or do I just continue as I have been.. what he know won't hurt him? I don't know.. I don't think that is something he would forgive me for.. I don't think thats something I can forgive myself for... cheating in every single relationship I have been in... that is so disgusting and revolting to me... Can I possibly blame my PMDD on this one? I don't even know.. Do I use my PMDD as an excuse to much? Is it really ME that is the shit person inside...? Am I really the one who is doing all of these bad things?

Lost Again

Lost Again, 

So another day of writing woop. I've been so freaking miserable for the past week, just in and out of mood swings and being all bitchy with Wil.. I feel so bad for just acting that way and pushing him away.. but he has been pretty understanding of whats going on and knows that I don't mean to be mean and that I will be fine eventually. Well of course with my period, brings the calm of the storm because the mood swings finally stop. Everything was perfect on Saturday and then last night was just hell... one of the worst nights for me and it wasn't even because of a mood swing. But I ruined two relationships with my guy friends last night and maybe I shouldn't be so upset but I kind of am. I always try to prove to myself that I can stay friends with guys and not try to go past that in any way.. But anyways, Yeah.. I was talking to Frank last night and somehow we got into a fight, it all started because he asked me why I even dated Wil.. I told him that I didn't need someone who was perfect, I needed someone that could love me with all of my flaws and see the dark side of me and still want to be with me.. I know Wil isn't perfect, and I don't care because he's mine and I accept him and all of his faults. Frank got pissed I guess though, said that it was funny because he always did that for me and that he was just tired of being unappreciated and used by me.. I was like well first off, I never used you, You told me you were going to move on past me and talk to other girls and then you go and flirt with my best friend who I love dearly.. I mean I know you are a guy and you like to mess around but the second you tell me that you love me, and yet I read your messages to my best friend saying that you would love to date her, etc. We have come to a problem.. So he started bashing me and saying that Wil wanted him to hang out with me so that he could have a break from me and that from his standpoint I was just clingy and needy.. clingy and needy.. those words, they stuck in my mind as I took a blade to my leg.. over 100 times, the worst I've ever done.. I don't know why I let myself do that over his words.. but the fact that he knew me well enough, and judged me in a critical way and just wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. I don't know, it hurt.. It hurt in a way that it made me want to hurt myself physically so that the pain wasn't just mental. And where was Wil in all of this? He got grounded for a week.. I just don't know anymore. I really need him here for me and he is just always lacking.. I mean I know it's not his fault, I can't blame him. but I can't help myself but just push away.. push away and reject everything hes offering me. A second chance to have a happy and long relationship? No thanks.. knowing me I would just mess it up like the first time and I know that sometimes people deserve second chances and I begged and begged for my second chance with the love of my life, and I never got it.. so why should I give it to myself with another person this time around? I must really enjoy being unhappy.. but I don't know how to go about life anymore.. It feels like a circle that I'm cursed to walk around and around, I need a hand to drag me out of the routine that I seem to be stuck in. I don't know how I can get that hand or if it was offered to me if I would even accept it. I am really messed up. So messed up that sometimes I even scare myself. I don't know how I truly just let my habits and my thoughts consume my mind and personality and life. I don't know when I finally just started choosing to put on a mask instead of actually feel genuine happiness. I don't know when I decided that I could not love anymore.. and I don't know how I will ever get back to who I used to be... Where did I go? Where did that young girl go? Why did she turn into a cutter? Why did she attempt suicide so many times? What made her want to die so badly.. Why did she let them all get to her? Why did she destroy herself to become somebody that she wasn't? Why did she change to make a guy happy who could care less about her? Why didn't she get over the break up like everyone else told her to? Why was she so stubborn that she refused to see that he didn't love her anymore.. Why did she let him tear her apart with every word he said? Why did she cry to him on the phone and let him know how much he hurt her? And why was his reaction nothing more than a pitiful, I'm sorry but we will never be together again.. You just hurt me too much to ever be with you.. And why does everybody get to be happy and in love? Why does the concept of love seem so difficult for me to grasp? What is it that I'm afraid of?