Lonely Thoughts

Lonely Thoughts,

Wow, today was really a slap to the face. A real reality check. I haven't talked to barely anyone today. Travis, not Andrew. I've spent my day in my head all day, nobody to text me and keep me entertained. I tried talking to both of them and they just didn't reply and blew me off basically for no reason. I don't know if I did something wrong or what happened but it's saddening. It's given me a reminder that I am single and that I don't have anybody who truly loves me in life besides the small family I do have. And that is a very sobering/frightening thing to think about. I couldn't help but think about all the money I spent in all my relationships, and how I always give so much to people physically to compensate for the things I cannot give them emotionally... It's time for me to try and turn that around and give more emotionally than I ever have but that's kind of hard to do when I can't find a guy who even wants to talk to me for a solid day. I know I haven't known or been close to either of them for very long but still.. I want somebody. I need somebody. I can't be alone like this. My thoughts aren't ever safe when I'm left alone for too long.. somebody should know that.. somebody should be sitting next to me to save me, but when i look next to me I am alone. I guess I could always go back to justin if nothing wrongs out... but I've been playing and playing games with him for a long time and he deserves a lot better than me. Even though all he really wants is me. I wish people knew what they deserved and were willing to go for it rather than settling. But I settle too. It's human nature I guess. We just naturally want to be with the first person who comes in our lives and says the right thing, we want to chase after anyone that gives us their attention... And we settle, because we're too focused on one option to see the second option which is clearly better when it appears. Humans are so stupid it upsets me, it upsets me that I'm one of them. That I can't even escape this humanity. Maybe I should only write when I'm high. I feel like... that would be the best way to get my thoughts out instead of just updating my future self (like she really cares...)..I have to heal my brain somehow. I don't know if writing has helped at all.. It's just something I've been trying to push myself to do before this year is over. This year has been crazy.. like really crazy. I can't tell if i've fallen more apart or if i've patched myself up a little better than before. I feel like I've had a lot of people in and out of my life this year. Some I wish they would have stayed, some I wish they would have gone a lot sooner. Last year was a year of craziness too though. Mostly with Justin, he was my highlight and the darkest points of that year.  I don't really know who my highlight this year was.. but I know my darkest point was Ashton. I hope for a year where I do not have any darkest points, only highlights, a year so incredible that I can look back upon it and be so damn happy to be alive and have witnessed it. I was talking to Charly tonight and reminded myself of the time in our Bermuda cruise where we were sailing back into NYC and like 7 of us, huddled in a large chair and watched the sunrise and talked and giggled and laughed and flirted. It was beautiful. The cold air hit us but we only snuggled closer. Eventually two of them had to go back to their cabins to sleep, but those who stayed witnessed the ever beautiful changing sky.. It was bitter sweet, because I would probably never see these people again my life, and that the vacation was over and I had met some truly amazing people who forever changed my viewpoint on life and to this day, I still talk to every now and then.. We try to keep updated on eachothers lives, We've all grown so much this year as well.  It's so crazy how time matures us even when it feels like every day is the same old bullshit.