Rejecting Love

Rejected Love,

I officially give up on men. I give up on putting my effort in, and getting heart broken in return. I still haven't talked to Travis. He sent me a snapchat today and anger just flashed in my mind because HOW DARE HE SNAP CHAT ME WHEN HE HASNT SPOKEN TO ME IN LIKE 3 WEEKS. But then I watched the snapchat and I realized he just sent it to everyone on his list and put it on his story. So I let all my anger go. Me and Andrew have made plans three times now to hang out and he completely blew me off each time. So I give up there. Yet he still keeps making all these posts on facebook about being single and shit. I know why he's single now for his age. He's just fucked up. Glad he saved me the trouble of knowing he was shit early on rather than leading me on and hurting me later. Justin and me have been having issues. I'm done with love and he just wants another chance. He texted me on thanksgiving and we've been talking since then. I wish he wouldn't have. I wish he would have just left me alone. I didn't need more trouble in my life from him. I didn't want to hurt him but i've told him everything painfully imaginable i can to try and get him to leave me alone. I told him I didn't ever want to have sex with him, told him I would never tell him I love him again, told him I didn't want to date, didn't want to do anything... Yet he's still here.. waiting for me like I'm the best girl he could ever possibly deserve. But I've pissed him off so I don't know if he's going to talk to me. It's always just fire and ice between us. I'm so tired of fighting with people. I am so tired of being upset with people. I was happy for a good solid two days when I thought things were going good. I was more just excited to start something with Travis. I really thought we would be something. I really don't know what happened. I wish he would tell me. I wish I knew. Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe I'm too fat? Maybe I'm annoying.. or maybe its innocent and its only because of the distance between us and nothing else. But I can't get an answer out of him.. and I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be desparate. I wish I could just let go of the people who already let go of me. It would be a lost easier.  I also found out the my god child is a BOY!! My friend is 20 weeks along and we just found out his gender yesterday. His name is going to be Brantley. I am so excited. She's going to let me be there when she gives birth, since she hasn't let me go to any of her doctors appointments. Crazy how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I guess it's cause I'm not the one who is pregnant haha. That would be a mess if I was. I have plans later tonight, but so much on my mind, I felt like I had to get some of it out. But it's always the same, it never really changes, I never fail to get upset about things that shouldn't even matter... But now I have to see Andrew, every morning shift I work.. and of course I work the whole weekend with him.... I don't even know how that is going to go. I hate being constantly reminded of someone I dislike. But it's his fault we aren't together, and thats what drives me crazy about all these men I guess. I'm used to being the one who says NO to guys. I am not used to guys saying NO to me. It makes me feel like the tables have really switched. Maybe that is karma just biting me on the ass. Or Have I just become someone that I don't even recognize anymore ?  I feel normal. I feel like myself.. but I feel the demon inside me waiting to come out. When I argue with anyone, or get angry, I feel it's vibes lurking, waiting for the chance to jump out and cause someone pain. I don't want to repeat the situation with Ashton. I really don't. I have to stop fighting with Justin. I can't take feeling my demon inside me. It had been a good 4 or 5 years since I had relapsed into anger like that. I can't even remember if I was sober or fucked up or if it was a hangover or what. I just can't rememeber clearly. But I let myself slip. I should never let myself slipped. I'm just lucky that the cops weren't called. I really thought they would be. Thats all I remember thinking. I was very self-aware, afraid the hotel employees would watch the camera and call the cops. Or our neighbors would come out and try to pull us apart, or hear the screaming, or something. But nobody every came, nobody ever noticed we were there, so it didn't feel real. Nothing that night felt real. Nothing that whole week felt real. Losing him doesn't feel real. I have to keep asking myself why he won't come back to me. But I know why. I know why he will never come back. I know why all his ex's went "crazy" on him.. and how I fit RIGHT into that category when I swore I never would. I don't ever see us getting back together. Though I wish we would. Sometimes..? Do I? Do I really? I don't know. Can you date someone after going through that much?