So FINALLY after weeks of not talking, I texted Travis and I said " I WISH you would talk to me" and he instantly responded.. So we made plans like the next day to hang out Wednesday night. So he didn't really talk to me the whole day and I thought he had bailed on me, but last second he asked if we were still hanging. I got ready and hung with a friend for a little bit before he got back home from riding with his dad, we met up at the theater again where we met the first time and he told me he had to run an errand first, so we drove over to a bar and we waited on his dealer for like an hour and talked in his car which is where i finally got him to explain why he had ignored me and what was even wrong with him in the first place and basically got him to tell me some things I knew that were very personal to him. I was pissed though and I definitely bitched at him for a good twenty minutes before even letting him speak. And I forced him to apologize to me because I told him how bad he hurt my feelings ignoring me like that, even though know I totally understand why he ignored me and I probably would have done the same thing if i was in the same situation he went through. I don't want to type it out what happened but hopefully my future self remembers (if he even stays in my life) I promised him if he ever needed someone to talk to, that i would be there for him regardless if he wanted a relationship or not, even if we just stayed friends., then we drove around for a while trying to find a park to smoke a blunt in, ended up going to his friends house to smoke and just parked in his driveway, we laid in the back of his car and smoked for quite some time while we just talked and it was a little awkward and then he finally leaned down and kissed me and the rest of the night was just hardcore making out... but not too long into kissing, he literally stopped to tell me that he didn't want to go any further than this tonight and kept sounding really frustrated about it, saying that he did want to go further BUT..... said he just wanted to "play it safe"... Which doesn't really make any sense to me, I don't know that means, if that he wanted to wait until we were in a relationship to do anything or if he wasn't interested me like that or if he just didn't have any condoms with him or what.. I kept trying to ask him what he meant by playing it safe and he just said it means what It should mean... I've been thinking about it way too hard.. stressing myself out about it.. Or maybe if he was just too tired to want to do anything.. But he kept telling me that he really likes me and told me I was such an amazing kisser and that he was really interested in me and not to take offense or take it personally that he didn't want to go further than kissing. I've honestly just never been faced with that situation. I've never been rejected. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I did something wrong.. no matter how much someone assures me. It's not like I would have wanted to anything more than kiss though, so it was kind of lucky that we both felt the same way.. But I don't know. It's unusual. Or he just didn't want to do anything so soon after a huge change/event happened in his life. I don't knooooowww. I should really stop thinking. I texted him last night asking if he got home safely, he never texted back. I texted him again when I got home safely, no response. I texted him this morning, no response. Logged on facebook and saw he had been reposting stuff again, but couldn't text me. I'm so beyond frustrated. Honestly.. I think I give up now. I'm not going to try for him anymore unless he puts forth the effort first. I read our messages when we first started talking and he was so adamant to get to try to know me and date me and everything.. now it's a text here and there, after i've already texted him like 5 times. So. I can only try so hard. I can't keep playing the desperation card. It's making me pathetic. I feel pathetic. I feel miserable actually. I can't wait until January to start being vegan again, get some extra weight off and hopefully just feel better and more sexier than I do right now.. Cause I've actually tried to talk to four different guys now since I've been single, and 3 have flat out rejected me for a relationship, and Justin.. I just couldn't give him another chance. I couldn't handle being with him again. Even if he can offer me the world, I don't want it from him. Theres too many things about him that I just don't think I will ever be able to love again. Too much time that separates us from the lovers we used to be. He can't see that, but I can.. and hopefully one day he will be able to too and that is when his uneasy heart will be able to rest.
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