Monsters Influence

Monsters Influence,

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving, I'm super full of carbohydrates and food babies. I regret eating but, thats every holiday. I forgot to miss Ashton all day. I really did forget, some days are better like that.. but then there are days where he's the only thing on my mind. But lately it's been easier to not let myself think about the past, the days keep passing and it continues to take away further from that bad time. Tomorrow will be a month since this all happened, since we broke up... A month of hatred for eachother, a month of no forgiveness from him, a month since my whole life and future plans changed. But It's also been about a week that I can take a selfie and not see the sadness in my eyes. A week that I can have a normal day and go without crying or having to skip classes just so I could wallow at home in pain. A week since I want to go out to work and to hang with friends. A week since I will finally answer my phone when it rings, instead of sending my friends simply calling to chat to my voicemail. A week since I will get on social media and not cringe when I see photos of couples or quotes about break ups. I've been trying to think about when I will want to date again, but to be honest I really don't know. I wouldn't be happy with a relationship right now, but at the same time, if I don't say yes when the question is asked, I don't think things will be as smooth for me afterwards. I'm in a hard place. But that's how the universe works for me. I lose two people in my life, and I receive two more. Thus making me have to decide... and I never know which answer will be the wrong one. But even if I pick the wrong one, I will lose the wrong one and then proceed to lose the right one as well. I have to pick right on the first try I guess. Is that how life works for other people? I wish I knew. I feel like my life is more complicated than others. I talk to my friends and hear about their love lives. I don't think I've met anyone that has had an EASY relationship, I've heard of all the fights in everyones relationships but most people don't break up and date someone new. I mean, my friends have had multiple boyfriends but not as quickly as i have had. I just feel like i go through people. I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me, I wonder if i should seek out therapy? I wish I could talk to like a psychiatric major doctor or something and explain all my feelings.. or hell, show this blog to them and tell them that I need a diagnosis. Just something that can explain this. Or tell me that it's normal for my age, or someone similar to me, or I don't even know. I don't feel like i've had a hard life. I've been priveleged. But I've never been happy. I go through these cycles and they never seem to break and I don't want these cycles to continue for the rest of my life. I don't think I can keep living through this. Especially since they seem to get increasingly disastrous. If I can actually hurt someone I love, and be able to say such awful things to them and kick them and leave physical marks out of anger and not love, and NOT be able to remember it or be controlled... I just.. I feel like I could be capable of so much worse... I don't know if that event can be repeated and/or even worsened... or if that was just a one time freak out that won't ever happen again, it was only because of the relationship and the drugs and the atmosphere and the stress...  It's just kind of terrifying to live with a monster inside of you that can be woken up whenever it pleases.... Theres no protecting my loved ones from myself..