Okay now that I've kind of updated myself. I don't really get on here and type my feelings out much even though I know it desperately helps myself track my progress. But what is the use of tracking your emotions and growth if you aren't growing at all? If every step just keeps bringing me backwards, then why do I keep walking? Why do I keep going on? I wish I knew.
We went to Something Wicked in Houston for a weekend in October, and that was our downfall. I was kind of moody on the drive there but I was just hungry and I got in a better mood after drawing a little bit. Friday night, we went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and had a great night, I paid for everyones food though and nobody thanked me. Later that night after my brother left, we got fucked up and I ended up falling asleep before anyone else but it was nice just to be in a bed with Ashton. Cause that was ultimately our last time we'd ever be that close again. I wish I had known that. I would have cuddled him a little closer, or done a little more or something. Anyways. Saturday morning we all slept in. We woke up about 2pm and found out that the first day of the rave had been cancelled. Therefore we all felt trapped in the hotel room, him and his friend begun drinking and snorting coke early in the day.. I stayed sober, I don't really like to get like that. But me and Ashton just started arguing and fighting and I said a personal joke towards him and he said one to me, and somehow I ended up getting shoved into the counter... but we somehow ended up almost having sex, he just couldn't get it up because of the coke and his friend knocked on the door tired of waiting for the pizza outside, after that we just couldnt keep our hands off eachother, and not in a good way, we started fighting worse (sexual frustration makes everything worse let me tell you now) and yelling and pushing and shoving and kicking and restraining and it all just escalated so quickly. I texted Justin, desperately trying to save myself, to talk to somebody and get away from it all and Ashton saw my phone, didn't know who it was but grabbed my phone away from me and threw it against the wall and shattered it. Thats basically when I lost myself. I don't really remember too clearly, all my memories go fuzzy when something bad happens like that. Your conscious turns off and everything after that point is animal instincts. I freaked out on him, I knew he was gonna have bruises and marks all over him. I knew his friend was recording me. I didn't care. He hurt me, and there was no coming back from that. My phone is literally my everything. My only connection to the outside world being 5 hours away from home. I borrowed his phone and called my brother bawling and asked him to come pick me up (it was hurricane weather btw when that hurricane hit Mexico, there was a ton of flooding on the drive there but we made it), So while I called my parents and my brother, Ashton was in the background screaming that he never hit me and that he would pay for my phone (which I knew was a lie, he doesn't have a job). He just wouldn't leave me alone, so my anxiety set in and I just had to get away. I went to the front hotel desk and demanded they cancel sunday night and give me my money back, and ashton came and grabbed me and tried to tell them not to refund it. And I demanded they did. I got 60$ back, which isn't much but it made me feel safer that if I didn't have a place to stay with them, they wouldn't either. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I did tell my brother to turn around after i cancelled the hotel, I told him me and Ashton could fix things ourselves and i didn't need him to pick me up. But they were already more than halfway there and refused to turn around. I tried. I tried to fix things, even if Ashton doesn't think so. He broke up with me, and then immediately tried to take it back. I told him I didn't want to be together if he couldn't do anything but hurt eachother. My brother finally came and talked to both of the guys and they took me back to their dorm room all the way in Galveston. I couldn't text ashton or anything and try to figure things out. I got my phone fixed sunday morning and we went out to breakfast. When I was in the phone store, Ashton told me they decided to be nice and wanted to give me a ride back home today. So I had my brother and his gf drive me all the way back to Houston and meet up with them. I got in the car and they both immediately accused me of stealing out of Ashton's wallet because he was missing 80$... But thats not me. I would never steal and I would never go that low. At that point, I didn't hate Ashton. But I was mad. I was unforgiveably mad at him. And not thinking rationally (which i rarely do that anyways, but especially irrationally that day), We stayed pretty silent the whole car ride back home. I didn;t have any music on my new phone to listen to, so it was an awkward silence and dealing with listening to them talking and just pretending I wasn't there the whole ride. We finally got about an hour from home and we started arguing. I was being bitchy (I'm sorry, I really was. Can't deny that but did they think they deserved my happiness?) and they asked me for gas money, and I told them I wouldn't (not knowing that i actually DIDN'T have the money to do it because i spent the money on my phone) and they thought i was being ungrateful and rude so they decided to stop the car and kick me out at a Braum's 40 minutes away from home, at 11pm at night, when it was 60 degrees and i didn't have a jacket, and my phone was at 2%. I had to call my mom crying and have her pick me up. A nice lady and her family and lots of kids came up to me while i was waiting though and asked me if i needed help, I politely explained my situation and told her I was okay though. They left, but the lady came back out like 10 minutes later and brought me a hot cocoa and prayed with me (I'm not religious in any sense but I cried like a baby holding her hands). It was just sad that a complete stranger could show more compassion and love towards me than someone who had spent 6 months talking to me everyday, having sex with me, going on dates with me, telling eachother personal things. I knew we were fighting but I honestly would never leave someone like that. Ever. I don't care if theyre my worst enemy. They never came back either. Never texted me or anything. My mom finally got me, after what felt like forever, and a lot of tears. She was pissed at me. Telling me everything was my fault. But yeah. I already knew that mom. I got home though and I texted Ashton all day monday and finally I apologized for everything. I said "sorry love" and he said "No." and I just replied with a sad face and he said "Have a good life, Bye" and I haven't heard from him since. I texted him really late at night, the day after halloween and told him how bad I was sorry and knew i fucked everything up, but he never replied. I didn't expect him to reply. Or maybe I did. I don't know but my heart is hurting. I've been hanging with Justin, trying to fix the pain of the whole situation but you know. When one thing comes down, everything else falls apart too. I lost my job yesterday, all my dermal piercings in my chest started to reject, My goose was killed by a stray dog and i had to watch him take his last breath and then proceed to go to class afterwards, and I have a guy I love that I can't be with and a guy who loves me that I refuse to be with. So if theres an award for the worst life events going on sequentially, this is it. Oh, and then yesterday there was all that bombing in Paris and the attacks all over the world. So basically everything is going to shit. I guess I'm not the only one with their life falling apart. I was going to text Ashton today and tell him to please talk to me, I thought about it all last night. I've been thinking about it for a while. But I was on his friend's facebook page today and his mom had commented saying he was enjoying his single life, etc, etc. And it broke me. I don't know if that's a lie. or a truth. or what. but I'm not going to complicate his life. I can't do that anymore. I'm a disaster and I should just learn to leave people alone. I should learn to let go. I desperately wish I could learn to let go. I'm always thinking about someone else when I'm with someone. When I was with Ashton, I couldn't let go of Justin and our memories. Now I'm single (but Justin's been trying to date me) and I can't let go of Ashton and our memories. But I think I still have a shred of faith left in me that something will happen soon and lead me on the best direction. Or I'll finally get the courage I need. But this isn't a fixable situation right now. Maybe I should wait for him to text me first, maybe I should leave it alone? I don't know. You think he would be hurting as much as I would. But who knows. I never know. Love can always be a lie, no matter how much time you spend with eachother... You never know who really loves the most. Especially with someone like me. My feelings dont reveal themselves until that person is gone. Then I feel the loss like a knife to the heart.
(PS: There are some details left out, but thats how my brain works, just hit the high points so that when I look back on this in the future, I can understand without all the unnecessary stuff)
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