What Happened

What Happened,

I feel so unimportant. I haven't texted to you or talked to you all day. Nor did I yesterday I guess, but today at least I didn't even try to talk to you. You know.. I'm trying to believe that if you wanted me in your life, you'd make an effort. So I'm just going to lay low and I'm not going to push you to do anything you don't want to do. If you are happy with your life, that's great, I may not be in it but if that's the way you want it, that is the way it shall be. And I guess whatever happens, happens. If you finally open your eyes, I'll always be here and you'll always have a way to contact me. These days just kind of pass by in blurs now, Everything is on repeat to me. I really feel like I don't make a difference in anyone's life. Nobody NEEDS me really. Nobody depends on me to be there for them. I'm just kind of here. I'm just that "one girl who's heartbroken over her ex." I'm not special in anyway, sure I can draw better then average but that is really it. I'm not smart, I'm not beautiful, I'm not important. I care about my friends and that's just about it. and I only have one best friend. But she doesn't open up to me, so what am I supposed to do? I can't give any advice, I can't be a good friend if I have no clue what's going on. Seriously.. What the fuck happened to my life? I thought it was going perfectly (when the depression was subsided) but now it's just gone to hell literally. I lost all my friendships, my boyfriend, the closeness to my family, my grandma is gone, my cousin and I barely talk, I'm super stressed, heartbroken, struggling over just the simplest things. I feel just so weighed down, like my chest is just carrying a ton of bricks on it and I can't escape from it and I can't get them off of me. I'm not sad, or depressed, more just.. waiting and wishing and feeling invaluable and broken. And that's really what I am, I'm broken. I am damaged property and maybe guys can sense it? I have no clue. I'm just ready to get another thirty pounds off and maybe my air of confidence and self-esteem will go up and people will notice, I don't know. I just want to run away sometimes I swear, I don't want to be here, I just want to get a concussion or something and forget everything because I don't want to remember anything. If the whole past was just erased and blank to me, that'd give me a blank canvas, not in anyone else's mind but at least in my mind and that's all I need. It'd be hard re-learning relationships and stuff but still. Oh my god, I'm crazy. I'm rambling. I think about stuff too much that would never in a million years happen. It sucks. I wish I could think more realistically, I wish I could just tell myself, "No, You're not going to get into medical school like you want, No you're never going to find "that" guy, No you're never going to see yourself as beautiful, No your problems are never going to go away, No he'll never come back to you, and No the feelings will never be returned." I think those are more realistic, Instead of thinking that I'm going to do the best in life and he's going to come back to me, etc. Sigh. Life is puzzling, and confusing. It goes by so fast if you think about it though. I can't believe it honestly sometimes. But every single day that goes by that I'm single, my fears of being single for the rest of my life increase, Why can I not see myself marrying anyone? Why can I not see myself happy? I really don't get it. I know what I want in life, but am I going to get it? I'm not sure..