Love Again

[Love Again,]

Today I spoke to my ex-boyfriend, We began dating on December 16th, 2010 and we broke up July 7th, 2011, and the pain is still there. I've had the feeling for awhile that these words would come from him.. but they hurt more when they were out in the open instead of in my thoughts, He said "I don't mind being a close friend but I think you hurt me too much to get back in a relationship, You said and did things that I have forgiven but the insidious trickery will always stick with me. The hurt will never go away." My hope of our future together is slowly fading, It's getting harder and harder to believe that he'll ever change his mind. All I can promise him is that I'll always be here as a friend, and hopefully some day he will change his mind and I can have my second chance. Why must letting go be so hard? I don't want this to be the end, I don't feel like I'll ever be as close to another person as I was with him. We met at the wrong time in my life, If only we had met after the depression was gone, He would have known me for me instead of the monster that was hiding the true me. He fell in love once, couldn't he just re-kindle those feelings? Or were they fake? Was he just trying to pity me? I can't grasp my head around whats going on anymore. All I know is that I care about him, more then I have for anyone in my entire life. Life could have been so different. I give people the advice to not let the past hold you back, but the past has me chained down. I let go of the pain, and the anger and the hurt, but the love has it's chains wrapped around me so hard and I can't break free, I can't let go. Is this a sign? I need some answers, from someone, anyone, please. I'm tired of waiting and wondering what's going on. I don't even see his faults anymore, I only see the good in him, his talents, his skills, He drives me crazy, he believes all the lies I told him to make the break-up process easier for him but now he won't believe the truth when I say it. I've made myself look horrible, like I lied the entire relationship. Nobody needs to even tell me how bad my past actions were, The words you say can be no worse then the ones I tell myself. I'm trying to cling to happiness but it is so hard when everything in your life is pulling you down. The guy you fell completely in love with, wants nothing really to do with you. It's almost enough to drop back into self-injury again, I don't want to hurt anyone though, and I have too many scars as it is. I hate talking about this with other people, it makes me feel like a bad friend because it's all about me, I try to ask about your life too, I hope you know, It's not my fault you won't let me in. Please understand.

<3