My Heart

My Heart, 

So glad that I just get to stay home for a few days and not have to stress about looking pretty in the morning or anything, I love weekends. I spoke to my brother for about 2 hours last night, and I've never quite realized how actually smart my brother is, he has some ideas that confuse me, and he has some arrogance and will get annoyed quickly but still he has the best advice in the world. He made me think, He asked me something that I hadn't thought about, nor anyone had thought about. He said .. "Why are you chasing after a emotionally abusive relationship? Is that what you really want?" and I was like dumbfounded but honestly the only answer I could say was "That is what I'm used to." and that's true. That is all I have ever known, is a relationship where the guy is not faithful, will lie and hurt me and make me cry. I'm not saying that I like that, I want a relationship that I can be loved and cared for and nourished. But it's more a choice of what I think I deserve, and what I want. And I guess it's my fault because I don't think that I deserve happiness in a relationship, I feel like my relationships are doomed. Like the above picture, you had a huge impact on my life and therefore, my heart will honestly never even be the same. I'm having trouble getting close to people, letting people know the real me, I don't feel like I'm ever going to be healthy in a relationship now because I'm so used to being treated the wrong way, how would I stop myself from reflecting my pain on the guy in the relationship? It's possible that I would take up my last partners commitment issues and mess up my own relationship. and I don't want that. and everyday when I look for a photo to use for my blog, I come across the picture of "Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely." And I honestly believe that's true. Everyone is always pushing me to just date someone else and fall in love with them like it's so easy to do that. I don't feel ready in any way shape or form to try and find someone new, yes it would help tremendously better to find a new guy and have my mind wrapped around somebody new, but how is that fair? I'd basically be using my partner as a tool to get over my ex-boyfriend. That would just make me feel like a bad person. I'm honestly just having second thoughts about everything. I don't even know anymore if what you told me during our entire relationship was true. We talked a few nights ago and you basically ripped my heart from me, and this is what I've been struggling with everyday. You have no idea how hard I sobbed and repeated those words to myself. You said "Even if I do dump "her", I will never go out with you again because it will be awkward." when I asked for further clarification, or basically to just use a better damn excuse, he said that he couldn't trust me. I can understand that but he seems like hes NEVER going to understand how much I've changed, I just need one chance, one night with you to talk face to face. That's all I ask for, I don't care how awkward it is, How odd and strange and weird it feels to even be near me. Please just do this one thing for me. I can prove to you that I'm not the same, and maybe you can actually forgive me, instead of just SAYING you forgive me. There is a difference. The hard part is just going to get you agree to this. You don't believe that people change. But they do, and it's about time that you attempt to change your thinking. You ruin a lot of friendships and relationships like that.

I'm trying to help you. Please listen.