Lacking Love

Lacking Love,

This week has been busy, and I've been wanting to get so many things done but there just doesn't seem to be a break between the homework and dieting and needing to sleep. I haven't really had time to stop and think about my feelings and write a blog and everything, which isn't the end of the world but I like to put all of my thoughts down and be able to remember what I was thinking about. I'm super stressed right now and tight for cash, It really sucks, I feel like I finish one thing, just to have more things piled on top of me. I have so many birthdays and valentines items to buy for people, and I have absolutely money, it's awesome *sarcasm*. I'm trying to be the best person that I can be and smile and laugh and be happy but there's just crap always nagging me in the back of my head, I'm not sure what it is, but I have a pretty thorough guess. I think the main reason is because you're going to be visiting in early February, and I know you're not going to go out of your way to contact me and try to hang out with me, because I'm not important to you, and that just.. saddens and angers me at the same time. I swear every single song I listen to, I can relate the lyrics to how much I miss you and love you, Music is hard to listen to because there are so many reminders of you. Life in general is really great, going good but can easily be seen as lacking without you. It's like half of yourself is missing, and you have to re-learn to see around the bad and make situations happy. I hate that every day without talking to you, we grow farther apart, I hate that you didn't try to save our friendship, and I hate that you valued a girl you've known for almost 5 months, over me. A girl you have known for a year and 1 month, and yes, I am counting. I had a dream that you came back to me, because she cheated on you, you felt the sadness but you admitted that there was never a day where you didn't think about me, I don't know what dreams mean, maybe someday it'll come true? I have no clue. Why the fuck are you such the perfect guy for me? and why can I not see anybody but YOU? Why does everybody remind me of YOU? You're everywhere in my life except HERE. Should I just push harder and try to contact you again and MAKE you talk to me? I don't know.. I just want to stay updated in your life, I don't want to be pushed to the corner and thrown a blanket over like I'm nothing. I want to be there, and I want to help and I want to know whats going on. My mind goes in so many directions when I don't know whats going on, I don't know if y'all are fighting or perfectly happy and it's confusing. At least when we spoke, I had a general idea of what was going on. But now I'm left in the blue and thrown into my own world, with my own messes and it sucks royalty. I know this whole blog is about my complaining but goddamn, aren't they all? I'm happy it's almost the weekend at least..But it's hard to get too hopeful that the future is going to change, because everyday that NOTHING has changed, adds on to my fear that nothing will ever change. There will be no great revelation inside of you, and there will be no you wanting me back. Holy fuck can some god, any god, or any higher being or whatever just give me a sign? a CLEAR sign.. something I can understand and know that there is hope for the future.. that I will fall in love with someone new, or rekindle my old relationship. Blahhh. I just want to know. But doesn't everybody? I strive to be different but honestly I'm just like everybody else. Maybe a little more crazier, and sadder then others but... Never mind, I don't even know what makes someone "different".. We're all different in our own ways, we can like different bands, foods, etc. There will never be ONE person exactly like the other, there will be the same looks and personalities but their individual tastes for things, will never be completely the same, sometimes maybe close but never the same. So we're all different, but we can all be easily classified into just a few categories. Haha. What would my classification be? Crazy heartbroken teen that's crying over her ex? Sounds about right. Anyways, I quit for today. I just want to sleep and never wake up until things are back in order and I can be happy.