Seeing Beauty

Seeing Beauty,

Well, I'm glad that I'm not such a mess as I used to be. But I'm still hiding things, from everyone, really. I wish that sometimes I had never done what I did but I know someday that maybe I'll just forget and since nobody even knows, it will never come up again. We can only hope. But really, the only thing that is messing me up right now is you. I just want to scream at you and tell you how much I love you. I don't just want to be a friend or even a "close" friend, I want to actually mean something to you. I've always been here, waiting, watching, I'm trying to protect you from others and from yourself but it's only possible if you'd let me in. It's hard to just sit and watch from the sidelines, and not be able to intervene. I'm having split feelings, because this blog could be about two different people. But they are different types of loves, and I'm not sure which one could get me anywhere. Well if you look at it, hell it could be split in three different directions. But I know the true one, and I know the maybe one, and I know the one that will never go anywhere. But it's possible that all three could just go nowhere, so why do I waste my time thinking about this? None of them return the feelings, and it's possible they never will. Everyone good in this world seems to be already taken, but that's how it should be I guess. does that mean I'm not good? Hah, that's what it seems like truthfully. If people didn't judge a book by its cover so harshly, I think I could have so much more in my life. But since I'm not a size 0, platinum blonde, preppy girl, people will always overlook me. Maybe someday I'll be thin enough so that people will at least take a second glance at me and NOT in disgust. I want to be beautiful, but doesn't everybody? Beauty is the key to love I guess, nobody is going to want you if you're not thin, tall and gorgeous, at least that's what it seems to me. all the guys claim they love the "curves" but you don't see them asking out the girls with the "curves" now do you? They only chase after the twiggy little stick girls and that's just sad. You miss out on A LOT of good girls because you aren't interested in girls that actually eat food. I start my diet again on the 25th, I'm just basically trying to speed up time, I'm so ready to get rid of this weight. I don't know why, but I feel like it'd get me even closer to winning you back. You're going to be visiting in February and I pray to any god that will listen that you will be able to hang with me. I'll be thinner then the last time you saw me, but still not where I'd like you to see me at. I want you to be like SHOCKED. I want my face to be cleared up and everything but my god, is life ever even fair? It doesn't seem like it to me. It feels like the second I try to look forward to the future, my plans just get torn down and ripped apart, leaving me confused and heartbroken as ever. I swear the second I lay eyes on you, It will be so impossible to even look away for a millisecond, and even harder not to just hug you and squeeze you to death because I've missed you, and kiss you, that will be so hard not to do. I hope it's not awkward. I know how you feel about that. Another topic change, but really I want to get over my self-consciousness, i want to feel beautiful in my own damn skin and not have to care about what others will think. Plastic surgery can only fix so much. And I swear if anyone were to ever completely see me naked and point out every flaw, I would just have to shoot myself, that would destroy me. The love of my life, pointed out a few flaws because I provoked him, that was the worst decision of my life. I still have trouble looking in the mirror, sometimes I see beauty but most of the time, I see things that could be thinner, that could be changed, that could be enhanced, Even make-up can't make me feel beautiful, because it will never be able to hide how fat I am. Society has warped my thinking of the definition of beauty so much.