Just Stay

Just Stay,

Today, I really don't feel like writing a blog and I also deleted last nights blog, so here is a short story/poem I wrote a few nights ago.

I know the hurt is still in your thoughts.
I can see you pace so timidly around the room.
Your eyes glance at me, I see you're troubled.
I take a step towards you, I want to fix this.
You panic and turn away, you don't want me.
instead, you wrap your arms tightly around her.
Shes been there when I wasn't.
I feel my eyes start to water.
I wanted that to be me.
You smile and say it's really better off this way,
that you love her and she makes you happy.
But all I can help but notice is her smirking lips.
She taunts me with my love for you,
she knows she has you wrapped around her fingers,
while I'm clawing trying to hang on.
I can barely manage to whisper,
"What happened to forever and always though?"
I can see his eyes lose their sparkle for a second, he frowns, and says
"It should have been just us. But that was your choice, you decided to make."
My eyelids are filled to the brim with tears and they finally fall down my face,
I stumbled closer,
"Why don't you believe my love for you?"
I fall to my knees in front of him.
He looks down on me, I can see him hesitate but answers despite his doubt,
"It was always fake"
I can't help but look at him in dismay.
I have to fight for our relationship,
"You believed the lies I said when I was angry, but you forgot the millions of times
that I've told you I loved you."
He glances at the girl in his arms, he sighs and kisses her on the lips softly.
then takes a look at me, seeing me really for the first time.
"I can't be with you anyways, please just understand.
I want you to be happy with someone else."
The tears continue to stream heavily down my cheeks,
we've had this conversation a dozen of times and it never gets us anywhere.
I force myself to stand up and look him in his eyes,
remembering all the times that I've seen his face close up when we were kissing.
"You are the one I want, I can't change my feelings for you.
I can only hope that one day you rekindle your love for me."
He shakes his head and I know his answer before he even says it.
"We were not meant for each other as a couple, but we can be friends."
I wipe the tears from my face and put on a fake smile.
This is what I will have to accept.
I start to turn around but pause.
"Just remember, when she leaves you, I'll still be here, with my arms wide open."
He seems to consider this but gives a half-smile,
"That won't happen but thank you, you're very thoughtful."
He takes the girls hand and walks off with her into the distance.
I stand, alone, as I have been since I lost him.
I start to get dizzy and clumsily sit down, my feelings are overloaded,
I wish I could get over him but hes the love of my life.
So I pull the knife out of my boot that I had been hiding.
I sigh and continue to cry, this is all I can do to, to keep the pain at bay,
as I put the knife to my wrists and carve his initials deep into my wrist.
I want this reminder here for the rest of my life.
I'm so focused on what I'm doing that I don't notice that he had turned back around
and is standing in front me.
I look up at him, to his ice blue eyes. He's crying.
He leans down next to me and grips the knife out of my hands, away from me.
"Please don't do this, You're better then this."
I smile at him,
"How can you say that? I'm not even good enough for you to love me."
His tears drips onto my face and mixes with my own.
"I love you but I'm with her."
I look down to my wrist, and see the blood pouring out. I hit a vein.
"That's how life is though isn't it? It's never fair and your feelings for me,
will almost never equal the ones for her."
His eyes close for a second, then open and I can see the desperation in his eyes.
He doesn't know who to pick. It's obvious.
"I'm sorry." he says.
"You wouldn't do this if you were sorry, please don't lie to me."
I begin to feel my life force fade and my eyesight flutters and blurs.
the blood is pooling around my legs and the floor.
I look at him and touch his cheek, smearing it with blood on accident.
I can see his fears tighten and wrap around his brain.
"Ill leave her for you, if you just stay."
I smile with weak eyes, but whisper,
"It's too late now, because I'm already gone."
He gripped my wrists hard but my vision had already darkened and I lost consciousness.
I never re-gained it.