Giving Back

Giving Back,

Today has been a crazy weird and confusing day. I texted you last night FINALLY after a month of talking and I didn't see till this morning that you had texted back and said you were going to ask your girlfriend during school.. but then you texted me again and asked me if I still had the jacket you gave me, I said yes and asked why.. and you told me that you wanted it back.. and that I should be glad to give it up because it brings back lost memories, and that you really miss it and looked good on you, etc. This made me so mad and confused and sad and stressed. The jacket is one that YOU gave me while we were dating, and that I cried into everynight I was in the hospital and couldn't see you. It was the only thing that made me smile because it always smelled just like you and gave me a reason to get up and keep going. Why would you ever want to take that away from me? but you said that you'd come get it and we could hang out so I sadly agreed. Because I just want to make you happy, and if the jacket will make you happy then I will give it back to you even though it'll rip me up on the inside.. do you want your fucking necklaces and rings you bought/gave to me during our relationship too? Do you just want to talk all of my reminders of you away? All the notes? The picture you gave me when we first started dating that I've had hung in my room since you gave it to me? I don't know how you can think I'm okay with this. but I'm going to pretend, and thats all I can do. So Hopefully we're going to hang out during spring break.. I don't know what's going to happen or if you'll even follow through or if your bitch girlfriend will even allow it.. I don't know.. I'm excited and nervous and sad.. because just hearing from/texting you drives me insane and I swear it makes my heart beat 160 bpm.. (beats per minute) and won't stop. It stresses me out when I have to wait for you to text back and then get really dissapointed when you don't.. I'm crazy over you and it's fucking ridiculous. I need to go back to therapy again apparently from heartbreak.. to try and get over it.. if thats what it takes I guess haha... or medication to just not make me have any emotions or have a heart or something I don't know. I just hate HATE HATE HATE HATE that I feel this way about you and you don't feel shit for me. I'm already worrying over how I'm going to look when we hang out, what I will wear, how I will do my hair, etc. I want to dye my hair and lose more weight and stuff before I see you and it's just driving me insane with so many thoughts of what could happen and what could not happen and how i'll feel afterwards or how i'll feel if you don't go through with it (AGAIN).... I'm such a girl.. haha.. But I'm going to the mall with friends on saturday and I've been pretty excited for that all week. This week has gone by super slow it seems... sucks... I've been working on painting and I feel like I'm getting a lot better.. but I don't know. I really want to give the painting to you because it's your favorite band... but would it be creepy? is it even your favorite band anymore? I don't know.. theres so many things that have changed within you and that could just be something else I don't know about you. I hate how she has changed you... I really am glad you're loyal but WHY THE FUCK DID YOU CHOOSE THIS RELATIONSHIP TO BE LOYAL AND NOT OURS??!??!?! ughhhhh!!!!! I seriously can't even describe or repeat enough to make it obvious how pissed I am about this... I tried my hardest with you but whatever.. I've been having to distract myself with books to get my mind off of everything, which has been working pretty great. Books are such a little world of their own, it's really great.. you just forget everything and BECOME that character and you feel their emotions and everything, thats the sign of a great author... but the book I'm reading is almost done and the third book doesn't come out for a while D: I'm not prepared to wait! anyways.. enough ranting I guess.. gonna go do latin homework.. joy!