Confusing Life

Confusing Life,

Ahh.. Well right now you're in Texas. I couldn't be happier, just having you closer to me.. it makes me happy. I know you're not right next to me (I wish you were) but I know that you're several hundred miles closer then you were before.. You have been fighting with your girlfriend, you don't think it's going to work out.. Should I be sad or glad? I don't even think you'd ever give me a chance to try to work things out with you. I bought your birthday present today, it's nothing super special but it's what you were claiming what you wanted. We should be hanging out soon, I'm getting nervous... I don't know what to wear, or what to say, or what to do.. I can only have so many things run through my mind at a time before I get overly stressed and start bawling. But I did dream of you, I dreamt that you came to my house to speak with me and we were outside chatting when you stood up and made me stand up too and you grabbed my hand, to lead my inside.. but then you realized that we were holding hands and you just stared at our hands joined together and smiled and kissed the back of my hand, like I used to do to you every time we would hold hands. It's hard to stop thinking about all the memories, it's hard to stop dreaming about you. I can't help it.. ugh. Is it my fault that I can't find happiness from anyone else? You are the only person that will make my heart race when you text me, when the little smiley faces you add in text make me smile so much..and when I hear your voice I have to take a deep sigh of relief cause it has felt like I've been holding my breath for a long time..  I can't believe spring break is almost over, I haven't done crap this entire time.. just kind of stay up all night and watch netflix, fall asleep.. text people... eat.. repeat... I have a ton of work to do but I like to wait till last minute.. i never have any motivation to do anything until the absolute last day till it is due. Sad.. and a bad habit I know but all well.. I still do good.. I really need to study for my classes though.. I can't be failing two classes right now.. I know i'm smarter than that.. but I'm just stressed all the time and I never find time for myself or anything.. I always feel like there's Facebook to be on, or people to talk to or social life to stress over, etc.. I know education is a ton more important over anything but as a high schooler.. it just doesn't seem that way... I feel almost dumb because I can never motivate myself to do anything.. even my paintings.. i find no inspiration to finish.. I have so many that are just not done because I have no time or want to put any effort into them.. the only paintings or drawings I have ever finished is the ones I have given to other people or have made for school. Am I such a failure in life.....? I feel like one.. most days.. I don't really do anything around the house.. I feel like I just spend money and waste away.. I don't even have motivation to exercise... all I really do is sit on the computer or text people or go to school or beg for money or hang with friends. I'm a typical teenager I suppose but I wish I was more.. I know I'm not depressed or anything but I feel like there is so much more I should be doing with my life.. that I'm not.. and  I question if I ever will. I really need to step it up a notch in school but I don't know if I'm ever going to be one of those people.. that just studies for classes to try and get better... I want to be a great student and make A's but I don't know how to.. I've never had all A's.. I've made the A, B honor roll but not since 5th grade I don't think.. what happened? was it the depression that just got the best of me? I mean.. I have high hopes for the future and everything but why do I always feel like It's never going to happen? Maybe my parents.. they always tell me that I shouldn't be looking at medical college or anything.. that I'd be lucky if I could just get a nursing license or something.. to not shoot so far as to want to be an OB/GYN... I'm just scared for college.. I'll be alone and starting fresh.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. and it's not even for several years that I'm starting.. well not that far away actually.. it feels like it's approaching so fast.. but too slow at the same time.. I hate being the youngest in my class.. I feel so young.. everyone is like 2... 4... 5.. years older than me.. I feel like a child, because nobody takes me seriously.. or takes my problems seriously.. I don't know.. Life is just confusing today. But I think that's mostly everyday it seems.