Changing For

Changing For,

This picture is so true that it's scary. I've been shopping this entire weekend with my family and I've realized now how many things I've tried to change just to fit into and mold myself into someone that you would want me to be.. I dye my hair black so that I don't do look preppy, I wear the dark eyeliner, I don't wear any bright clothing, I stopped doing a lot of things. I only buy clothes that I think you would like to see on me, I constantly find myself looking at clothes and thinking about what you'd think if you saw them on me... I don't know.. obsessed I guess... Of course it's 3 am and the only thoughts on my mind are you.. hahah. Well I've been watching the "Secret Life of an American Teenager" all night... I'm starting episode 5 soon.. It's pretty intense. but yeah.. I've been talking to you all night until about 1:30 am and I think you crashed after that. I love you so much, It's crazy.. sometimes I feel like you're flirting with me but maybe it's just you being nice.. I don't know.. I can't wait to hang out with you, seriously, it's driving me insane to wait. I'm going to buy you a ton of candy as your birthday present haha.. Super late but it is better than nothing. I'm really tired so I feel like I need to ramble. but what to ramble about? I don't know.. I'm still trying to think about where we are going to hang out and what we're going to do and all that fun stuff... ya know.. I have that feeling we're going to end up kissing but I don't know... my feelings haven't really had a habit of turning out true lately.. It's just going to be tricky trying to get your dad to agree to let you see me... I wish we hadn't fucked up so much in our relationship, I hate how nobody lets go of the past, I mean for crying out loud I'm pretty sure it has been like 8 months or something since we last saw each other, a TON can happen during that time.. I'm not the type of person that just stays the same and never changes or grows or learns or whatever... I change a lot.. this time for the good. It sucks that I had to lose you to find myself though... It really sucks, I rather have it back to the old ways.. I rather fight with you everyday but still be a couple at the end of the day then to be far away, awkward friends.... seriously.. I want nothing more then to just have your arms around me and kiss you until I pass out from happiness.. lol How many times have I talked about this? I swear every blog is about you.. but that's kind of what I started this for.. to write this TO you... well in the form of TO you but not actually to you.. I think you'd pee your pants from the amount of creepy and stalker in these "blogs".. but the matter of the fact is that I don't really think about anything else. I think about you EVERY DAY. even when we aren't talking.. I still think of you.. there are tons of things that remind me of you... but today was a little scary going back to a place that had very harsh reminders... of my past.... I don't want to go into detail... but still..... I was with family and everything but flash backs are hard to stop. My parents were even bickering today, I wish my mom would finally just leave me dad if that's really what she wants to do.. there should be nothing stopping her.. my brother is grown and I'm old enough to understand whats going on.. She lets my dad get away with so much crap.. I think I would have divorced him a LONG time ago if I was in her position, its whats best for the kids too and the family and he is a very selfish person.. sometimes I question the intent of guys.. I feel like older generation of guys just want to spend money and piss off wives and get drunk and bitch at kids and then THIS generation of guys just want to have sex, do drugs, party, etc... I don't think I have yet to meet a decent guy that has not spoken one thing about sex to me.. Humm... Okay enough ranting.. but seriously.. where are all the romantic sweet but spontaneous guys? did they just like combust and disappear from the entire earth?! seems like it.