Too Much

Too Much,

I'm not sure what I wrote about last time... It has been a while, well not too long but all well. Anyways.. where to start.. I guess I will continue with the biggest news of the day and work down to lesser events.. Well.. one of my friends tried to commit suicide on Thursday.. I just found out today when her mother called my dad to ask for me to come to the hospital to see her.. I literally had no idea because me and her hadn't talked in a few weeks... but I called her and spoke to her myself, she had jumped from her three story house onto concrete and had broken both of her ankles and sprained her tailbone.. She said she screamed immediately and her parents came out and called an ambulance and then she blacked out after that.. but she had to have surgery because the bones had popped out and were dislocated really bad and everything.. I can't believe she is going to recover from this.. she could have easily broken her spine and been stuck crippled for the rest of her life and not be able to ever stand, walk, etc. on her own.. maybe she will be smart enough to never try again.. I talked to her and tried to make her see that she had a ton of people that loved her but I know she will never listen to me, I don't know why I always say anything...Anyways.. she is wanting me to visit her in the hospital.. but she lives far away and my parents already don't like her because she is a bad influence... But I feel like a terrible friend if I can't find a way to be there for her... even if we aren't that close.. I know she'd do it for me if she was in my position.. ON TO THE NEXT THING - I am finally hanging out with the love of my life soon! He is visiting on Thursday this week and I know it sounds stupid but I'm so giddy and nervous~! I know he probably only wants to hang out with me because he wants his jacket but I'm going to take that and run with it.. because he has said that he does want to hang out with me, and he texts me all the time now.. except the rare occasion today that I texted him this morning and he never responded back.. but all well. We talked on the phone last Friday night If I can remember correctly, I don't exactly remember what we talked about but we talked till at least 2 am for like 2 hours and 20 minutes.. it was so nice to hear his voice after such a long time of not talking to him.. I've missed him.. His life is going good, even without me. Lately people have just been saying things that remind me of him, how much I miss the little things that me and him did together.. how we would cuddle on my bed and I would rub my hands on his stomach because I loved the feel of his abs, and how he hated to be tickled but would always kiss me to make me stop.. how every time i saw him walking towards me, I would just smile so wide and hug him and hold on to him like I was never going to see him again... how we would just sit outside of school on a bench and talk about whatever came to mind, and that one time we were kissing and someone honked at us and scared us and made us both blush... I miss the small little memories that he probably easily forgot or replaced with new ones... Crazy how much I can still remember. I wonder what's going to happen when me and him hang out... if I could kiss him again.. I think I'd die in heaven but could I ever get so lucky? I don't know.. I don't want him to see me as a bad person either though.. I don't want to mess anything up and make him think I'm the bad guy and that I "manipulated" him into coming to see me and making him kiss me, etc... I don't know his mental state very well anymore and I don't know if he would pull any of that stuff. he still insists so much that I cheated on him that I just gave up and stopped trying to deny it, I just want him to feel like he is right.. and maybe in some form I did cheat.. maybe physically but never emotionally. I was never attracted to anyone and never wanted anyone else but him.. I just wasn't appreciating my body and was letting people use me. Sad, I know.. and I can't go back and fix anything.. at least I didn't have sex with anyone else! or went farther then kissing... He acts like I'm such a slut... He said he even got STD tested because of me... he thought I had some sort of disease even though I was a virgin when me and him had sex... Ridiculous but it's whatever, its in the past and Its understandable in some ways I guess, better safe then sorry but the fact that he doesn't trust me or thinks negatively of me.. yeah.. we have an issue. There has been way too much stress this week seriously.. so much drama within my friend group and I'm glad it is finally spring break. I'm going to try to keep this updated... at the VERY LEAST weekly.. it's hard to write everyday.. there is never alone time anymore it seems that i can just sit and write down everything that has happened... It's like therapy.. in a COMPUTER! ahhhhh. I seriously should just be writing this crap down in a word document and just create a diary like that or something.. maybe some day I will switch to that but for now, this is what it is. This is my life, for the time being. And you, whoever are reading this, are looking deep into my inner thoughts. How lucky you are!