No Hesitation

No Hesitation,

I apologize to well.. nobody.. because nobody reads my blog but if you do well I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, things just get repetitive you know? and I always feel compelled to write long blogs and if I don't have that much to talk about, then I usually don't write one..and that's how life goes. Nothing really new here. I'm still missing you like crazy, funny how it never seems to end right? The only new thing is that I'm kind of interested in someone new, I know he will never replace you or get anywhere close but if it's possible at all for anyone at all to at least take up SOME space of the hole in my heart, well then I want to go for it. It's hard to even think about flirting or being with some other guy, it feels so strange and I can almost feel the awkwardness in my mind, silly... right? But it really sucks because I know that if I started dating someone new and you wanted me back, I would drop him like that and come back to you, and I know that's a terrible thing.... My mom asked me yesterday in the car ride if I still loved you, I said yes with absolutely no hesitation, I didn't have to think about it or anything, She asked if I would ever go back to you, and I said yes. She asked if you had been leading me on at all, I said no.. because you are devoted to your fiancee, which is a great thing please don't get me wrong, I'm glad your faithful by why did you have to choose THIS relationship to be faithful in.. seriously? I put all my emotions and feelings into our relationship and I tried to keep it alive and all you could do was go and cheat because you wanted revenge... We messed up.... But I can only curse myself so much and cry so much before I go completely insane and I'm trying to avoid that haha. But on February 29th it will have been a month since I talked to your girlfriend on the phone, and that is the day I am going to text you, and I will raise hell if your little witch of a girlfriend decides that we still shouldn't talk.. because I've been damn well very patient. I swear you've driven me through hell and back and I don't even think you know it at all. It sucks that I have given you this much control over me, that you could completely take advantage of me and I would have no problem with it.. As long as you're in my life, preferably by my side, I'd be the happiest girl alive. Could I ever get that lucky..? Seriously? It sucks to have found the love of my life and I can't even win him back because some other girl has supposedly
"taken" my spot, well bad news for you sister, That's just not a spot you can ever take away from me now can you? It sucks when I have to see the pictures of y'all together on Facebook, It's almost as if you can feel tiny cracks spreading throughout my heart, I'm scared one day that it is going to shatter.. what am I going to do after that? I don't think anyone can ever recover from something like that.... On another note, I went and saw "The Vow" yesterday and I cried.. because I thought of me and you. And then I came home and dreamt of you, and you kissed me with such gentleness and romance that it was just like old times again and each kiss ignited sparks throughout us and all I could do was smile and feel giddy and joyful, but even the dream had to end.. I wish it hadn't. I wish reality could be that full of happiness, but sadly right now it isn't.. It's all about putting on a mask of smiles and laughs and having to act like I have moved forward when I really haven't. I'm nervous for the 29th.. I don't know whats going to happen.. Please just let ONE thing go my way finally for once.... Don't let her control you THAT much... You have the ultimate decision... Please make the right choice.