Living Days

Living Days,

I haven't written in a long time it feels like, I tried last night but I just couldn't exactly find a picture to sum up my thoughts and you know.. no picture, no blog. I'm crazy like that. Life is.. boring but sad. I haven't heard anything from you, nobody knows when you're visiting, I can't text you for the fear your witch fiancee will see or answer or something. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move on to the future because I keep looking in the past and it makes moving on so much harder. There is literally nobody here for me to MOVE ON to, and that's basically why I'm stuck I guess, I just don't feel like anyone can love me the same way or kiss me the same way or hold me or anything. It hurts. You have no idea. I could cry over the phone a million times and you still wouldn't understand how much my heart aches and is pained for you. Maybe you just refuse to see it? I don't know. and I might never know. I just wish you would break it off with her. She's not right for you and I desperately wish for you to see that. Just talking to her once I can see ill-will within her. I can't exactly explain it. On another note, one of my ex-best friends overdosed last night, I hadn't talk to her in a while but I have her Facebook account information and read everything, she's not dead but her parents don't know. I hate that people have to feel like that and go to those extremes, she went back to her complete old ways, drugs, overdosing, sex, cheating, lying, etc. I knew that she had really never changed, I tried to make myself think that she had but it was too obvious she hadn't and now my suspicions were proved true. I know I'll never go to my past like that, I've changed too much and I don't want to ever be like that again. I want to prove to myself that I'm strong and can live by myself, I know that I'm constantly sad because I am alone but I would never put suicide as an option, if I can't live for myself, I will live for him because I love him, and I will live for my friends and family because they love me too. But right now I live for myself, because I want to see the future, I want to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time and smile down on her and just kiss her and watch her grow up. I know I'm young right now and those days are long off but just the hope and belief that I will see that some-day, keeps me going each day. Hmm sometimes I feel like my blogs are more about other people than me, but that's cool I guess. I just feel like I'm talking to somebody when I write my blogs, because I don't have a therapist or a friend that wants to hear everything that goes through my head. My blog has 74 page views as of now, and I doubt anyone has really taken the time to read everything here, but I don't mean this blog to be for any body but myself but if you are in the same position and you find inspiration or my blogs make you think, well then I have done a great thing.. right?! It's easy to find someone in the same position now-a-days, there are so many people that have had their heart broken and can't seem to get over it. Maybe it's just a girl thing, I'm not sure. Guys just don't give a fuck I guess.. I'm not saying their heartless, I just don't think they ever want to show a weakness.. I don't want anyone's walls to be built up that high. I just want you to talk to me, tell me everything you've ever thought, what you think now.... I wish I could go back to the past, or at least re-live it a few more times. Please come back to me, I need you. I didn't ever mean to hurt you. I can make it up if you gave me the chance, I promise.