Second Glance

Second Glance,

I don't have much to talk about anymore, I feel everything is back on repeat, everyday is kind of how it used to be before. Of course, there are no more thoughts of suicide or self-harm but the sadness and the trudging through the day are still there as shadows in my mind, they don't overtake me anymore but I can't help but sometimes think about them when I visit a spot that me and you used to hang out. Almost everywhere is a constant reminder, and it really sucks. And you know.. everyday that passes that I'm still single, makes me think that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, nobody ever takes a second glance at me, nobody shows interest or anything, that's why I chose this photo... I just feel like everyone seriously hates me because I'm so confusing and weird.. I don't know.. I don't understand much anymore and it's just way over my head to try and comprehend and I don't want to keep stressing over things that I can't fix.. I'm actually really thankful for weekends though, they give me a great de-stressing time alone to myself and let me get the things done that I want to do and everything, I think I'd die without them.. School is just crappy. I can't wait for summer... or at least spring break.. I really want to start up and get back into art and everything but I'm not sure what to paint or draw or anything. Plus I'd have to go buy a bunch of acrylic paint and that gets expensive. I feel bad spending my moms money.. but I'm too young to get a job still.. Uhm... Not sure what else I can talk about.. I'm not sure why but I love buying people presents, just for the heck of it or for holidays/birthdays.. even though I know I'll never get an awesome gift back or anything, I do it just to see their reaction and see that I put a lot of time and effort and investing into their gift. Sometimes I wish people would do the same for me but I don't exactly expect it, because that's a rare possibility it'd ever happen haha. I went to the mall today to kind of shop around for birthday presents.... I found stuff that I really wanted to buy for you but my mom didn't really want me shopping for an ex-boyfriend, she said that she understood me buying things for my friends but not for an ex-boyfriend.. I was like jeez mom, why can ex-boyfriends not still be friends? She just never really liked him.. but she wasn't in the relationship so I don't ever expect her to understand. I didn't push her to let me buy anything for him either simply because I don't know when he's coming to visit and if he will even want to see me. If he comes down soon and wants to see me, I'll run and get him something but I just guess it's best to wait right now and not waste my money (my mom's money) on something that I'm not exactly certain will happen.... It's painful waiting and being ignored but hopefully it'll pay off eventually.. right? I don't even know when you're coming down here... I thought it would be this weekend but maybe it's the next so that it's closer to your birthday. I'm just putting all my hopes that you'll post a Facebook status and then I can make my plans/moves from there. Well.. that's about all I really thought about today.. I'm so boring right?