Feeling Hopeful

Feeling Hopeful,

Well today my Chinese Water Dragon, Neptune, died. I woke up and found that he had drowned, I bawled my eyes out and so my day has been sucky. But I went and bought a new one, he's pretty cute, he was on sale so I went ahead and got him, hes very hyper and is jumping all over the cage and scaring me haha. Anyways, tonight I've been thinking about you. I was going through photos trying to find one that described how I was feeling today.. but really, none of them exactly fit. but I did have some good memories, I remember when you would kiss the scars on my arm and plead that you never wanted me to self-injure again, and I always promised. I can't say I kept that promise, but I never cut on my arm again. I haven't self-injured in a long time, It's not something I exactly miss, because the scars that are still lingering make me very self-conscious and embarrassed, but I still have pangs of wanting to do it again when I feel so useless and ugly that I don't deserve to even be remotely "pretty", "cute", "beautiful", "sexy" , etc. They'll pass with time because I don't give in anymore. but Yeah, Today for some reason I feel hopeful that we're going to hang out soon, I'm not sure why, I just feel like this will be a good month, full of accomplishments and other things. I can only hope my heart is steering me in the correct direction. Hopefully you'll post when you're down here and the second I see that message, I'll text you! Or call you.. whatever it takes. I'm going to the mall this weekend hopefully to pick up a birthday present. You know you're always in my thoughts. I wonder if we'll ever get back together.. and if we do.. What will happen to this blog? Will I continue it and keep it updated? Will I show you? Will I delete it and erase it all so it's never found again? I'm not really sure. I could just go back and edit a few things haha, because I know for a certain that I never want you to see me as ugly or a bitch. As far as the picture for this blog goes, You promised me you'd always love me.. and you promised we'd get married.. I just keep questioning myself is this is really the end or is this just a long break to get things together or what? I can't get the question out of my mind. I sometimes even wander off and day dream about you and all the questions and emotions I feel towards you during class and I completely miss what the teacher is saying, then I'm utterly confused haha... I know I've mentioned this before but I am really terrified of getting all my hopes up like this.. I'm trying not to.. but it's hard! Because you're going to visit soon and I'm just like having a panic attack just thinking about it... My heart races and cheeks flush and everything, even though there's still that doubt in my mind that you'd want to see me. I don't know anymore.. right now, life is confusing and I just.. I don't know.. I wish I could lose the weight faster by the time you get here, I know it won't make a huge difference to me but I want to see your face when you see how much weight I've lost! (If we hang out of course)! I know you'll freak! It'll be so funny. I'm not even sure what we would do or say or anything if we hung out.. I know I would want it to be alone, somewhere we could just sit and talk or something.. I'd wear really nice clothes and look my best, spend so much time on my make-up and just look my BEST for you. Because if you gave me that second chance that i'm praying you do, I can't afford to mess it up. I'm just scared that I'm going to be too pushy and freak you out or something.. I do want to get some facts across to you though.. because I do research on random topics, I want you to know that the brain does not fully mature until 25, and teenage marriages are twice or three times likely to end up and divorce, and even higher chances of divorce if one of the partners has divorced parents (which you do), I'm not sure about her.. but I know the stakes just don't look good against you. and I want you to know that in the least-pushiest way possible. I don't want to hurt you but I want to inform you and I want you to make a actual choice. I know you won't be able to move out, or financially support the marriage or anything, and that will cause a TON of conflict for the relationship, I highly highly doubt that either of y'all have thought this out at all, just stupid and blind thinking marriage is the key and that it's all going to be jolly when y'all were only engaged 4 months after dating. I don't know how well y'all know each other, but it can't be that well. but you know what, when it all falls apart, I'm here and I'll be here to comfort you and try to stifle my "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" Sorry, I love you but seriously... I want you to be rational about this. Marriage is a life commitment that I know you are not ready for yet, and won't be for a LONG time.