Chasing Flames

Chasing Flames,

I've been just trying my best with everything, school, relationships, family, life, living, diet, everything. And I can honestly say that I am not sure if my good is just not good enough or if I'm just not trying as much as I can. I don't know where I'm going yet, I am so indecisive about everything all of the time it seems. I want a job one second, but not the next.. I want a boyfriend one minute, but not the next. I've been trying so hard to just talk to Daniel and help him with advice as much as possible and I don't feel like we are going anywhere.. He is back to dating Laura and I feel like we are just back to square one.. He doesn't call me as much anymore or text me goodnight.. He still texts me good morning but I feel like he is slacking.. but I guess I don't matter to him much anymore cause I am just a friend now... Wil called me a few days ago, I asked him to homecoming and hopefully he should be coming down for a weekend in October to go to homecoming with me. I'm buying my dress this weekend! And I got asked to Hebron homecoming by Tony (Yes we just started talking again tonight!) I don't know if I can go yet because of my work schedule.. I just have no idea if I even want that job right now.. It seems like so much work for a job that I don't truly want.. We have to memorize the entire menu, just as a hostess and as a hostess it's ALL cleaning and greeting customers, I am not so sure about that.. and the job orientation training interrupts my weekend with Daniel and I am just stressed out!! I feel so overwhelmed trying to constantly fix things with all of these people in my life.. Me and Connor cant fix anything, I can't fix things with Cameron or Alex or Frank.. and I just wish I could, I know that they were so important to me and I hate to just lose them in the blink of an eye.. even though I should have tried a long long time ago.. I just never thought I would be alone like I am right now I guess, I don't know, I'm not quite sure what was going on in my head.. I never know what's going on in my head, ain't that the truth.. I thought that being with Daniel is what I truly wanted, but now that I am talking to him, I realize that my longing for him is just because he was something I couldn't have, he's not that great now that I see, he hasn't changed, he isn't more mature, he is a love-sick puppy that hasn't achieved anything in the time that I have done so much with mine.. I don't know how hanging out with him will go, I'm nervous and worried that it will be kind of awkward but hopefully we will just do something fun or in a group.. I'm just worried about a lot of things I swear, I guess I am mood swinging, or over-thinking or something but I am just freaked out.. and I am so exhausted lately, I swear I can barely keep my eyes open in the mornings and then when I get home after school I just want to fall into my bed and never get up again... Oh.. me and Michael started talking again too, I tried to fix things with him as well, but we aren't doing that great.. It's so hard to return things to normal once so much has changed.. I don't even know where to start with the other 3.. I don't even think it's possible anymore honestly. As much as I hate to, I need to learn to let go of people who don't want me in their life anymore, because obviously its for a reason right? If they wanted me in their life, they would tell me... Because you're not going to ignore somebody you love right? Or am I just seriously that bad of a person/influence that people realize that they can't be around me because I drag them down? I don't know.. I wish I could just see myself from someone elses eyes.. I feel worthless and ugly and revolting and stupid.. So so so stupid for feeling upset about people that don't even think about me anymore.. but I can't help it. I gave a piece of myself to them, whether it be mentally or physically.. it still HURTS to see people walk away from me without even a second glance in my direction.. 

Drifting Away

Drifting Away,

Everything has been pretty laid back lately, getting all of my homework done on time. The family is good, Me and Daniel are good, most of my relationships are good.. Well at least I thought. So here is what happened that put me off my high horse of thinking that everything was perfect. So earlier this week, we were planning to go to Caitlyn's house because her parents were going out of town for the weekend and we all hadn't hung out for a really long time, so me and Ashley were getting really excited just to get out of the house and hang with all of our friends that we hadn't done since probably February! That's a long time! And then after we made all of the plans at lunch, Alexis decides to text me and tell me that all of the plans were canceled because Caitlyn didn't want that many people at her house. And I was like wait what?! It was going to be 6 people at the most, and we have had plenty more people than that at her house before, so of course I got angry! I knew that it wasn't that reason at all, it was just the fact that they wanted to hang out in their private little group like they have been doing since school started.. just basically pushing us out of the group like we don't even matter. I was seriously really upset and I wanted to give them both a piece of my mind but I just bit my tongue and I said whatever to it. So hopefully tonight me, Ashley, her bf and one of my friend's Connor will be going to hang out instead. I know I said I wouldn't lead on Connor at all but I think he understands that we are just friends, I have made it pretty clear to him. As far as an update on me and Daniel, we are doing pretty well still. He likes to call me every night and talk for at least an hour minimum, he usually talks about Laura for a little bit but then I can get him to change the topic and make him more happier. He is working on just getting over her and I am so glad that he is at least trying. He should be visiting at the end of September, and also in November for thanksgiving. I hope I get to see him this month! I really wanted him to visit in October for Homecoming or Halloween or something but he said his dad didn't want to do that. All well.. Beggars cant be choosers right? I am just glad that he is talking to me and wanting to even be friends with me, that is more than I could ask for in a million years. He has hinted a little bit about getting back together, but not in simple terms.. Or maybe I am just looking into it too much, I'm not sure. He does recall things that happened in our relationship though and we reminisce in those times and laugh about how good we were together and how much fun times and crazy times we shared. I know he misses Texas, and I think he will be moving back.. He said when he comes down he will be looking at colleges and apartments here so I take that as a great sign! My diet is almost done, on Monday! I have decided that I will do the 3 weeks of maintenance just trying to keep the same weight, then have a week to enjoy of meat and carbs and sugar, and then after that go strict vegan. I have been reading a book and doing research on it and I honestly think it is the best choice for me, I don't know how it will effect me mentally but it is worth the try if you can lose weight and also feel better. I worked out for 4 days but then haven't in a few days because I was feeling too weak and lethargic to do it. I will start working out as soon as I am off this diet though, I just need to get my energy back and get the motivation back in (I don't think I've really lost it though). My motivation is just to lose weight until we go to New York In May which gives me about 8 months to lose 22 pounds, which comes out to around 3 pounds a month. Which should be totally do-able! I am excited and I am motivated and I can't wait to go vegan so I can take my mom shopping and go to the whole foods store and get everything that I've been having my eyes on for a while! I also looked at a moped today at the store. For a brand new 2013, it is only 2,000$! And they get like 117 miles a gallon. But they only hold a gallon! Haha. I think it will be perfect though for New York if that is where I decide to go to college. I don't know if I will like it when I get there but I hope I will.. and I hope that once my parents experience it too that they won't dislike it and try to discourage me.. I just hope everything goes according to plan.. I know it probably won't but I want it to at least go close! I made a 94 on my math quiz, the second of the class but a really proud moment for me, I rarely understand math and the fact that I am doing so well so far is making me feel very confident in what I am doing and I don't feel like I am just struggling through everything like I used to with the years of schooling before. I don't know if it's because I have Daniel in my life or if I just have a different attitude toward life or because I am so close to graduating, maybe it is just a mixture of all of those things? I don't know.. I'm counting down to graduation and freedom though. 16 weeks.. Just 80 school days! And that doesn't even include the holidays that we are out for Christmas/new years for like 2 weeks! And a week for Thanksgiving! So it's probably more like 13 weeks or something around there! Ah how exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. I feel like I have grown up in just such a short time. It really is crazy how much just being in high school alone can change you, better and for worse sometimes. I didn't find my way until sophomore year, and I didn't really truly get myself together until the end of Junior year. I really hope that all of my friends can get their lives together as well as I did too.. It would be nice to see them go far in life. I mean my real friends though, not those fake ones that just want to be around you or hang out when you have something they want COUGH (Alexis) COUGH COUGH (She asked me for alcohol) COUGH COUGH.

Keeping Control

Keeping Control,

So my resolution for September: Working out every single day at least 30 minutes minimum and I have to burn 250 calories at the least. Day 2 and I've done good so far! I'm proud of myself and I'm determined to keep my progress up. This is the last week of my diet, then it's finished on the 8th, I know I can make it through this. I'm so close! I read all of these things though about people reaching their goal weight and then they feel no successful feeling or anything, and I fear that I will be exactly like that.. That when I get to 120, it will not be enough for me and I will crave to get to 115.. then 110.. and 100.. and then 90.. and how long before I just vanish into dust? But maybe I shouldn't worry, I love food. Too much. But I'm hoping with adding in exercise it will allow me to tone my body out and be able to eat healthy and just be healthy in general and most of all, help out my back and strengthen my core muscles! Because that is what I'm desperately needing. Everything else in my life is pretty good, Nothing much really new from yesterday. I am waiting to hear back from ihop about my interview, I am really hoping I can get the waitress job.. I'm starting my first commission painting tomorrow, I'm really nervous but it is a fairly easy painting, I just want to do well on it and I still have no idea what my asking price for it would be.. It's for a distant family member so it would be quite odd to ask a lot but at the same time, I spend my time in-between school and hopefully a job soon to create a beautiful piece of artwork that I am just going to be handing over. I already know I will be buying a frame and a canvas so the price has to be over $35 at the very minimum, after that I guess it just depends on how long I spend sketching and painting it, the overall outcome and how much paint I use. I have faith in myself that I will do good on it though :). I kind of haven't talk to much Connor today, I realize that I need to just back off of talking to him really because I don't need him getting the impression that I want anything except for friends out of him... I already have enough problems with leading on guys, I don't want to do that anymore after I just now finally got rid of all of those pesky guys. OH! I did forget to mention there is a cute guy in my English class, he has a girlfriend though, but they just recently started dating. I don't honestly know if he's into me at all, I have no idea but he is fun to look at I guess for the moment. In the rest of my classes, eh the guys aren't really much of lookers. Texas isn't a great producer of cute guys in my opinion. They're all just country boys and hicks and that's boring and all the same. I am not a country girl in any aspect nor do I want my guy to be a country boy. People look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to move to New York though, like I guess they just don't see that happen often, because it's such a far move and an expensive move.. But still I wish people could just have faith in me and realize that if its my dream to go that far and change my life, then just let me do it and you don't need to say anything about it. If i wanted someone else's input I would definitely ask for it, but since I didn't... I don't think anyone else should worry what I do. I turned off the updates from Wil's moms facebook today, all she ever posted about was that she was drunk on wine and she uploaded photos of Wil smoking topless and clearly he was very high.. I am so disappointed in her for even giving birth.. Terrible influence if I've ever seen one. I just didn't constantly want to see her posts, knowing that she is the one taking care of my ex-boyfriend, just makes me angry. He had a better life here that he just gave away to go get high every day... Whatever, I guess I shouldn't comment on his life when I don't want people commenting on mine.. I just wished better for him. I wanted a good life for him but I just fear he will never get it with the path that he is on... but since we are broken up I honestly shouldn't concern myself. The only guy I'm concerning myself with right now is Daniel and that's because he needs me. Well he needs Laura.. but since he doesn't have her, I will have to do. My friend said I shouldn't let myself be a second choice.. but at least I'm a choice at all and I'm not ever going to get my hopes up enough that we could re spark our old flame that we had such a long time back.. It just seems impossible. I would be wasting my time hoping for anything like that to happen, right now I am content to be his friend and at least be in his life.. a place I haven't been in a long time :) and he finally trusts me and talks to me and believes I have changed and matured.. Him seeing that quality in me, makes me feel so good about myself, because for the longest time he refused to believe that I had changed, so therefore I doubted it myself.. but now that he knows I have, I know I have as well. My heart still cries for him though, and my love still reaches out for him but I will never let myself have him unless he wanted me first. There is something so satisfying about self control.. whether it be over emotions or eating or something.. I get a sick pleasure out of knowing that I have control over what happens in my life. 

Nobody Else

Nobody Else,

Alright, wow so much has changed since I last wrote. School has started, first off it's great. I love my classes, I know I am taking all core classes but I believe that I can do this for 18 weeks and just get through it. I love all of my teachers, they are awesome and they all don't mind my nose piercing. I finally feel like we aren't being treated like children. There is a huge work load as far as homework but it is not unbearable. I am doing well as far as grades so far. I messed up by losing some of my math papers and ended up getting late grades on them.. I felt so bad.. and I failed my first math and history quiz but I feel like I'll get better, I just need to focus and keep my attention on the right things. So while we went to Galveston, we had a LOT of fun and I already miss my brother so so so much, we had a long talk and walked all down the side of the ocean and those little things I appreciate so much in this world. My brother will always be the most important guy in my life. I don't care if we fight sometimes or disagree, I will always look up to him and love him. But the most important thing that happened while in Galveston, is that Daniel finally messaged me on facebook one night right as I was about to go to bed.. yeah imagine my surprise. I was like oh my god hell froze over.. But apparently his fiancee had dumped him on their 2 year anniversary, he was HEART BROKEN.. and we have been talking daily ever since :). I was so upset to hear that, honestly.. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anybody and I hate that she hurt him like that.. I have been by his side since he told me though and I've been trying to just give him as much advice as possible. He called me last night at 11 and woke me up (I didn't mind, I love him.. when you love somebody you do crazy things for them), and we talked for 2 hours.. and he told me he missed me and that he was always happy around me and that he appreciated so much that I was here for him and helping him and that I was so caring. I hate that I'm getting my hopes up that he'd ever love me or want me again.. I'm trying to talk him into moving back to Texas.. he would do so much better here, he has all of his friends and Colorado just isn't his home.. but ultimately I guess it's up to him. He has to let his girlfriend go though, that is the first step to him healing.. She went into a psychiatric hospital and left him completely hanging, I just don't understand her.. I didn't want to know her before and I sure as hell don't want to know her now.. All I know is that they are terrible for each other and I need to do my part to get him to start making his own decisions for himself and becoming mature like he has been missing out on. So of course my mind has been ALL on him.. Hahaha. Uhm, I haven't talked to Frank anymore, anytime I text him he just doens't respond.. I changed his name in my phone to "Douchebag" because that is what he is, that is what he will always be. I should have left him such a long time ago but seriously it's just not in my nature to do that. I care about people a lot. and This month is a YEAR that I have known him, but I guess that's a year too long.. I hate that I hold on to people for too long.. But I think I can firmly say I am done with him. Me and Ashley are doing well again, My friends are school are eh.. I don't have any friends in my classes besides Suz and Jo. I do have lunch with Ashley, her sister, Alexis, Her sister's bf, Gabe and a tiny little freshman boy who hits on me and thinks I'm super hot. I am still dieting. I hit 149.5 today! Finally! Haven't been this weight since May so it's definitely an accomplishment and hopefully I can get to maybe low 140's by the end of the diet on September 8th, that's a long goal but I really want to get there. Then after maintenance I really want to try a 98% vegan diet, I don't know if it will be great for my health but it never hurts to try right?? My period is next week so my mood swings are all over the place, I have had some hard nights but I am definitely pulling through them by having Daniel in my life and having close friends to talk to. Connor is wanting to date, I don't know what to do with that. He's such a friend to me, he honestly is in the friend zone with me and he's just not my type. I appreciate him being there for me but I will never want more with him. Wil hasn't been on my mind much, he never texts or calls, but I guess he is happy in San Antonio, so I rather not even try to bug him. Everything else in my life is pretty good. I got hired at Fresco's Mexicana as a Hostess/Cashier a week ago, but they don't start orientation until late September early October.. So I had my first interview at ihop as a server on Friday, then my second interview today. They both went pretty well, I looked awesome for both of them! They said that the two managers I interviewed with would talk it over and then talk to their boss and call me in a few days so hopefully I can get that job, and figure out if I like it enough before I decide to tell my manager at Fresco's that I don't want to take the job anymore. It has been my dream for a while to work at ihop though. Honestly, I don't even know why. I have just always wanted to be a server! and everyone is like oh well ihop really sucks, I don't care!!! I just need a job and I love working with food and people, so of course waitressing is perfect for me and it's basically my only option at 17. At 18 the world will expand for me but right now it's just limited. I'm nervous to hear back from them.. I will try to keep my blog updated as much as possible.. I am enjoying this 3-day weekend a lot though. I'm not quite sure how my blogs started turning into little life updates, they used to just be about my feelings. But yeah, of course the picture I chose is because I realize my love for Daniel is just overwhelming at this point, I could never ever ever walk away from him. He has treated me like absolute shit and I have still stuck by with him through all of it and I always will. He is the one guy that I can and will do that for. And yes I fell in love with Wil, but it was never the same love that I had for Daniel and I realize that now. It was so much less powerful, Daniel was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart and I told him that. He needed to know. It didn't freak him out, he said that it made him smile. 

Chasing Changes

Chasing Changes,

So I'm not sure how I can just sum up all of the crazy that has been going on lately, but I guess I will try. School is starting soon, I'm still dieting with my mom, we have been doing pretty good. We are going to Galveston this weekend to take my brother back to college.. We got two new kittens, and sold Sika. I'm working on selling my snake but not sure if I will get any takers. The kittens are Savannah and Sahara, I paid 200$ each for them, broke my savings completely to get them but hopefully I will make some of that money back in good time.. I applied at sonic today, not sure if I will get a job there but it never hurts to try right? OH! I started having back pain flare ups really bad, I had to quit my job at subway.. They refused to move me to days and I was tired of working pre-closing, breaking my back to do heavy lifting and stuff that my chiropractor said I shouldn't do, so my mom scheduled a appointment with a spinal surgeon on the 27th to go get stuff checked out. My other doctor said he didn't see anything on my x-ray though so we are yet to have any idea what is causing the pain, nothing serious I hope.. I got a MRI a few days ago, that was fun .. sitting in a machine for 40 minutes haha I just kind of let my mind wander.. and of course it wandered to Frank and then to Wil and I just made myself sad thinking about all of the stuff that has changed. Me and Frank are doing better now, we stopped talking for about a week but I texted him again and he's all moved into his apartment and doing better, I don't think I will come on so strong every again though. Wil was texting me a few days ago too and was telling me that he'd move back closer when I got my own apartment, and thats what I was up all night thinking about.. I didn't know what to do for college all of a sudden, just all of a sudden I got this huge thought in my mind that I should change everything.. just study my basics in Texas and not have to financially challenge my family so soon while my brothers in college as well, I just didn't know.. cause then if I stayed here I would be with Wil.. but I never EVER wanted to base my plans around a guy, cause who knows how well we will stay together until January when I graduate.. and even then, I don't have a job currently to even afford a apartment unless I moved in with Ashley and Corbin like she was suggesting. But god, another thing happened with Ashley last night.. which is what just made me hate her in the first place, (If you read this, sorry boo it's my diary), She just acts like her relationship is SO perfect, that they are eachothers soulmates and going to be together forever and get married and everything is going to work out so perfectly.. but in life that is so rare and she won't listen to any reason, and that is why we stopped talking in the first place.. because she was so love struck that she didn't pay attention or care about what anyone said about the risks of planning your entire life around some guy.. but you know it's whatever, I stopped talking to her last night before I got too pissed because I can't stand to talk to someone who thinks that they're always right and don't want to even pretend to listen to reason.. Especially since i've been exactly in her position but noooo we're "different people" and "have dated different guys", surely nothing will happen to her and him.. nope nothing.. cause life always goes exactly as planned.. Ugh anyways. I don't know what else is going on really.. John is begging me to come down to florida for college, I don't think he has really fully realized that if I wanted to be with him, I would, but I don't and I never will.. I know that sounds so harsh but he has no qualities that I want in a guy, at all.. and that is Kaitlyn's cousin, how creepy would that be if we got together, she would have to be at our wedding! Agghghhhhhh I am like cringing from just the idea of that.. No no no no nNoNO. I've been talking to Connor too, but he is going into the navy or marines or whatever, isn't even going to our school this year, But it's kind of hard to tell someone thats MY reason for not dating them, sounds selfish right? But It would be a long distance relationship and he could die, no I couldn't handle that.. He's a nice guy.. Not for me though. Oh.. and about school, I graduate in january officially.. I have aquatic science, goverment, english and then foundations of college math, how fun.. I hate having math at the end of the day but I have a friend in it so hopefully I won't struggle too hard.. OH and I also had a huge change and took out my tongue piercings and my snakebites, and got my nose done instead, I'm not sure what made me want to change everything so quickly and so suddenly but I enjoy it.. I feel like I don't look so punkish and I just look more myself I guess. I don't know, I kind of miss them but they were just in the way, always terrified of them falling out and stuff like that. My nose piercing didn't hurt at all, maybe a 2/10 pain.. I ripped it out accidentally while showering last night though, OW! That one didn't feel good at all haha I need to be more careful but I had gotten soap in my eyes ack  >.<, Everything else will all of my friends is going ok I guess, I haven't talked to too many people over the summer.. I don't know if that will change when school starts either actually.. I feel like this year is going to be very very very lonely...

Torturing Myself

Torturing Myself,

So as of now I don't really know what's going on. I'm dieting with my mom currently, doing pretty well on that.. just working and waiting for the summer to end but dreading when it does.. Everything seems to be okay.. Me and Frank were doing pretty well but he's not texting me as much anymore, hard to get him to even respond sometimes.. I don't feel like I should waste my time anymore. I wish Wil was here. He called me two days ago, just updated me on what was going on with his life. It was nice to hear his voice and him tell him that he loves me. He is my second love, and that I know very well now. He's not going to be my last love.. but he is someone I will never forget even though our lives have been parted from eachother. He was the first guy after Daniel to show me that I was worth something and I deserved to be happy. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine.. I didn't worry about losing him ever, he always called me beautiful and held me and kissed me and made me feel loved, he always texted me and called and wanted to be with me and do the little things, go out on dates, and make me happy when I was feeling down. I wish he would come back. Did I already write about that? I don't know... I got a new fish tank today! Spent 153$ on it so far, haven't bought the fish yet though haha.. That's all my hard earned money but it's what I've been wanting lately. So I guess I thought I should spoil myself because nobody else is going to spoil me! I'm not quite sure what direction I want to go with my life right now. I'm not desperate, but I feel alone. I want to feel loved, I don't like only hearing from Wil every now and then, I want him to call me everyday and make me feel like he's actually here when I know he's not.. and the sad thing is, he's not going to be visiting.. like ever. I hate always falling for the wrong people, when am I ever going to learn.. Never I guess. I'm not even sure why I write these blogs anymore honestly, they don't comfort me, they just make me review my life and realize that I'm going back and forth, not going anywhere.. I'm never going anywhere.. I swear if I have to stay in this town forever, I'm going to be so pissed. All the people are just the same here, nobody is real, everybody is just fake and desperate to get laid.. can't find anybody worth anything now-a-days, nobody wants to commit to one girl and fall in love, they just want to have sex then pack their shit and get out as soon as possible.. I wish the world wasn't like that. I don't want to kiss on our first date, I want to wait, for everything, I want to be slow. Because if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, why rush through everything? The more you do things, the more you take them for granted and thats my problem in life. I still take things for granted, even though I shouldn't.. even though I realize I do. But I take for granted that there are guys in my life that love me and would do anything for me, but they are just not enough. I am not picky with guys, I mean I don't like to think I am.. but there are just some requirements that if you don't meet, you don't pass. I will never be able to long distance date, nobody will ever be able to get that commitment and faithfulness out of me, just impossible.. I am way too physical and needy and dependent of a person to do that. I need somebody here with me NOW, not a i'll see you every few months, few weeks or even a few days relationship. I need to know that if I was sick and needed you there that instant, you could be there in a few minutes or a hour or something. I just need that type of comfort in my life, because I hate feeling so alone like I do right now. That if I were to scream and cry, nobody would be here.. because nobody is here.. I can text and text and text but what else can I do if nobody responds? Where does that leave me? Where does that leave me and Frank? We are falling apart and it's just ridiculous. I'm tired of being the only goddamn one trying to make things work, and I shouldn't have to keep doing this.. I'm torturing myself.. absolutely torturing myself.. but I'm also joking myself if I think I can find a new guy that thinks I'm attractive and would want to be with me that could fit my requirements.. I am just batshit crazy. I'm going to be alone forever.. and that thought scares me to death. 

Pulling Away

Pulling Away

          So I should honestly stop lying to myself, I always tell myself that I'm going to write more frequently but then when the time comes to it, or something interesting happens in my life, I always put off telling my blog or diary or whatever this is about it, Maybe because I know that I will get over it eventually and I won't be upset about it forever and it's not worth mentioning or something.. I don't know. But anyways, Since my last blog me and Frank have worked everything out until today.. We've been arguing all day basically just about stupid stuff and he just says "Bye" and says he'll talk to me later or whatever.. but he told me something that just ruined my whole day.. he said that during the three weeks that me and him stopped talking (so like the end of June, beginning of July), after we broke up he slept with some girl... and I was just honestly.. dumbfounded... like there were just no words I could say, I was in utter shock and I just couldn't believe that wil did that to me and then frank did that to me TOO? really? Ridiculous. He just kept saying that it was because he was hurt after our break up and blah blah, but what the hell is up with these guys. I don't care how hurt you are, you don't go sticking your dick into any willing girl's vagina just because you think it will make you feel better.. like how is that going to let you win that person back? Wouldn't that just push them farther away from you? Cause I take that as a , you don't love me enough to stay faithful to me even in times of need, so why should I be with you ever again if you can find comfort in some other girl? And I guess maybe that's just my thinking because I did that.. after me and Daniel broke up, I seeked comfort in other guys that I couldn't even think twice about being with anymore now and I felt so bad for doing that, it was stupid and what did that accomplish? It didn't make me feel any better about the break up, I wasn't any less hurt and I was just more guilty and felt disgusting.. like I had been tainted in a way that I couldn't get off of me.. and I know that sex can just be sex sometimes but seriously.. there is more to sex than just sex.. you have to kiss that person, touch them, let them touch you, in every intimate way that is only supposed to be by lovers.. and to let a stranger, or somebody that you don't love.. do that to you... how is that nothing? How does that mean NOTHING in a guys eyes? I know sex isn't as special to guys as it is to girls.. but if you have so much meaningless sex with random girls, how is it ever going to be meaningful with the RIGHT girl? You just wear yourself out and it becomes just another part of life.. It's supposed to be important and special and passionate with your partner.. just some sweaty floppy spur-of-the-moment thing.. I'm just.. I can't even begin to know why I deserve this.. I don't know how I end up meeting these shitty guys that don't even begin to treat me the way I want to be treated.. the way that I believe I should be treated... anyways, but before all of that.. I flew out to Florida to go see my old friend John, I don't know if I've ever written about him honestly, but he's a close friend.. but the First night I was there we got into a text fight and he ended up spending 220$ to change my flight to leave on the 26th instead of the 31st.. but before my flight in the morning, he came home and we worked it out and it wasn't a fight anymore and he begged me to let him change the flight back but all I had on my mind was that I wanted to get home and be with Frank and see him and be loyal to him, even if we aren't dating.. I care about him so much, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a backlash from the breakup with wil... ANYWAYS off topic sorry. But yeah, John begged and begged and begged and was like close to tears trying to get me to stay, but I ended up getting to the airport and leaving and I was so sad during my flight but I knew it was for the best.. or at least I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, to come back home to my boring Texas and my boring family and my boring job.. I gave up the vacation of the summer.. but I guess it doesn't matter.. right? Just one more year to freedom, 5 months to graduation.. I can make this, I can do this.. I can get through anything if I believe.. and one day it will look up for me, but right now all I can do is sit here and miss all the people who have walked out of my life and will never come back.. and how much of that was my fault.. I thought of Alex for the first time in a LONG time the other day, he got a car and a license and hes working on trying to date a new girl, I didn't talk to him directly of course but I heard from Ashley.. I'm glad.. I was so worried that he wouldn't ever get out of the stump he was in. I really broke his heart, but it was never supposed to be that way.. I set my sights to never break any hearts like Daniel broke mine and all I do it seems anymore is break hearts left and right, but it's because nobody is good enough for me.. I'm so picky and the second that I get comfortable with my decision in the person I want to be with, something changes, they change, I change, the situation changes, they move.. Time can stop repeating itself again because I'm getting real sick of it. I don't want to keep typing, but I'm upset and I don't know if this is going to ever help me but I want to know what I was thinking when I come back and read this later.. so I'm going to tell you, I feel like shit. I feel like my love is never going to be enough, not for frank, not for wil, or for daniel or anyone.. and I'm doomed to just live my life settling with the guy that I can't love. And that is what scares me the most. I don't want to settle like my mom did.. They worked out perfectly, but you can tell that she would be happier with someone else, she wouldn't have to had used a sperm donor, she would know that her kids were a product of love and not fake fertilization.. I wonder if my dad ever thinks about that actually, wishes that maybe he would have married somebody who never wanted kids.. OH! Forgot to mention that we were GOING to move, but at the last minute the buyers pulled out of the sale and my parents decided to keep the house, bummer.. Got my hopes up, but nothing new with being let down..