Pulling Away

Pulling Away

          So I should honestly stop lying to myself, I always tell myself that I'm going to write more frequently but then when the time comes to it, or something interesting happens in my life, I always put off telling my blog or diary or whatever this is about it, Maybe because I know that I will get over it eventually and I won't be upset about it forever and it's not worth mentioning or something.. I don't know. But anyways, Since my last blog me and Frank have worked everything out until today.. We've been arguing all day basically just about stupid stuff and he just says "Bye" and says he'll talk to me later or whatever.. but he told me something that just ruined my whole day.. he said that during the three weeks that me and him stopped talking (so like the end of June, beginning of July), after we broke up he slept with some girl... and I was just honestly.. dumbfounded... like there were just no words I could say, I was in utter shock and I just couldn't believe that wil did that to me and then frank did that to me TOO? really? Ridiculous. He just kept saying that it was because he was hurt after our break up and blah blah, but what the hell is up with these guys. I don't care how hurt you are, you don't go sticking your dick into any willing girl's vagina just because you think it will make you feel better.. like how is that going to let you win that person back? Wouldn't that just push them farther away from you? Cause I take that as a , you don't love me enough to stay faithful to me even in times of need, so why should I be with you ever again if you can find comfort in some other girl? And I guess maybe that's just my thinking because I did that.. after me and Daniel broke up, I seeked comfort in other guys that I couldn't even think twice about being with anymore now and I felt so bad for doing that, it was stupid and what did that accomplish? It didn't make me feel any better about the break up, I wasn't any less hurt and I was just more guilty and felt disgusting.. like I had been tainted in a way that I couldn't get off of me.. and I know that sex can just be sex sometimes but seriously.. there is more to sex than just sex.. you have to kiss that person, touch them, let them touch you, in every intimate way that is only supposed to be by lovers.. and to let a stranger, or somebody that you don't love.. do that to you... how is that nothing? How does that mean NOTHING in a guys eyes? I know sex isn't as special to guys as it is to girls.. but if you have so much meaningless sex with random girls, how is it ever going to be meaningful with the RIGHT girl? You just wear yourself out and it becomes just another part of life.. It's supposed to be important and special and passionate with your partner.. just some sweaty floppy spur-of-the-moment thing.. I'm just.. I can't even begin to know why I deserve this.. I don't know how I end up meeting these shitty guys that don't even begin to treat me the way I want to be treated.. the way that I believe I should be treated... anyways, but before all of that.. I flew out to Florida to go see my old friend John, I don't know if I've ever written about him honestly, but he's a close friend.. but the First night I was there we got into a text fight and he ended up spending 220$ to change my flight to leave on the 26th instead of the 31st.. but before my flight in the morning, he came home and we worked it out and it wasn't a fight anymore and he begged me to let him change the flight back but all I had on my mind was that I wanted to get home and be with Frank and see him and be loyal to him, even if we aren't dating.. I care about him so much, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a backlash from the breakup with wil... ANYWAYS off topic sorry. But yeah, John begged and begged and begged and was like close to tears trying to get me to stay, but I ended up getting to the airport and leaving and I was so sad during my flight but I knew it was for the best.. or at least I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, to come back home to my boring Texas and my boring family and my boring job.. I gave up the vacation of the summer.. but I guess it doesn't matter.. right? Just one more year to freedom, 5 months to graduation.. I can make this, I can do this.. I can get through anything if I believe.. and one day it will look up for me, but right now all I can do is sit here and miss all the people who have walked out of my life and will never come back.. and how much of that was my fault.. I thought of Alex for the first time in a LONG time the other day, he got a car and a license and hes working on trying to date a new girl, I didn't talk to him directly of course but I heard from Ashley.. I'm glad.. I was so worried that he wouldn't ever get out of the stump he was in. I really broke his heart, but it was never supposed to be that way.. I set my sights to never break any hearts like Daniel broke mine and all I do it seems anymore is break hearts left and right, but it's because nobody is good enough for me.. I'm so picky and the second that I get comfortable with my decision in the person I want to be with, something changes, they change, I change, the situation changes, they move.. Time can stop repeating itself again because I'm getting real sick of it. I don't want to keep typing, but I'm upset and I don't know if this is going to ever help me but I want to know what I was thinking when I come back and read this later.. so I'm going to tell you, I feel like shit. I feel like my love is never going to be enough, not for frank, not for wil, or for daniel or anyone.. and I'm doomed to just live my life settling with the guy that I can't love. And that is what scares me the most. I don't want to settle like my mom did.. They worked out perfectly, but you can tell that she would be happier with someone else, she wouldn't have to had used a sperm donor, she would know that her kids were a product of love and not fake fertilization.. I wonder if my dad ever thinks about that actually, wishes that maybe he would have married somebody who never wanted kids.. OH! Forgot to mention that we were GOING to move, but at the last minute the buyers pulled out of the sale and my parents decided to keep the house, bummer.. Got my hopes up, but nothing new with being let down..