Torturing Myself

Torturing Myself,

So as of now I don't really know what's going on. I'm dieting with my mom currently, doing pretty well on that.. just working and waiting for the summer to end but dreading when it does.. Everything seems to be okay.. Me and Frank were doing pretty well but he's not texting me as much anymore, hard to get him to even respond sometimes.. I don't feel like I should waste my time anymore. I wish Wil was here. He called me two days ago, just updated me on what was going on with his life. It was nice to hear his voice and him tell him that he loves me. He is my second love, and that I know very well now. He's not going to be my last love.. but he is someone I will never forget even though our lives have been parted from eachother. He was the first guy after Daniel to show me that I was worth something and I deserved to be happy. He wasn't perfect, but he was mine.. I didn't worry about losing him ever, he always called me beautiful and held me and kissed me and made me feel loved, he always texted me and called and wanted to be with me and do the little things, go out on dates, and make me happy when I was feeling down. I wish he would come back. Did I already write about that? I don't know... I got a new fish tank today! Spent 153$ on it so far, haven't bought the fish yet though haha.. That's all my hard earned money but it's what I've been wanting lately. So I guess I thought I should spoil myself because nobody else is going to spoil me! I'm not quite sure what direction I want to go with my life right now. I'm not desperate, but I feel alone. I want to feel loved, I don't like only hearing from Wil every now and then, I want him to call me everyday and make me feel like he's actually here when I know he's not.. and the sad thing is, he's not going to be visiting.. like ever. I hate always falling for the wrong people, when am I ever going to learn.. Never I guess. I'm not even sure why I write these blogs anymore honestly, they don't comfort me, they just make me review my life and realize that I'm going back and forth, not going anywhere.. I'm never going anywhere.. I swear if I have to stay in this town forever, I'm going to be so pissed. All the people are just the same here, nobody is real, everybody is just fake and desperate to get laid.. can't find anybody worth anything now-a-days, nobody wants to commit to one girl and fall in love, they just want to have sex then pack their shit and get out as soon as possible.. I wish the world wasn't like that. I don't want to kiss on our first date, I want to wait, for everything, I want to be slow. Because if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, why rush through everything? The more you do things, the more you take them for granted and thats my problem in life. I still take things for granted, even though I shouldn't.. even though I realize I do. But I take for granted that there are guys in my life that love me and would do anything for me, but they are just not enough. I am not picky with guys, I mean I don't like to think I am.. but there are just some requirements that if you don't meet, you don't pass. I will never be able to long distance date, nobody will ever be able to get that commitment and faithfulness out of me, just impossible.. I am way too physical and needy and dependent of a person to do that. I need somebody here with me NOW, not a i'll see you every few months, few weeks or even a few days relationship. I need to know that if I was sick and needed you there that instant, you could be there in a few minutes or a hour or something. I just need that type of comfort in my life, because I hate feeling so alone like I do right now. That if I were to scream and cry, nobody would be here.. because nobody is here.. I can text and text and text but what else can I do if nobody responds? Where does that leave me? Where does that leave me and Frank? We are falling apart and it's just ridiculous. I'm tired of being the only goddamn one trying to make things work, and I shouldn't have to keep doing this.. I'm torturing myself.. absolutely torturing myself.. but I'm also joking myself if I think I can find a new guy that thinks I'm attractive and would want to be with me that could fit my requirements.. I am just batshit crazy. I'm going to be alone forever.. and that thought scares me to death.