Another Chance

Another Chance,

So these past few days have been pretty shitty honestly. Things are just starting to look back up. But this weekend was the worst I have been in a while, I started trying to talk to Frank again and he just completely rejected me and told me that I was never going to change and that I basically wasn't going to be good enough to be his friend and that he has a girlfriend now and blah blah, I cried and cried and cried and I relapsed into cutting and I was upset the entire weekend.. But last night me and him talked and we got everything settled. And I guess when you look at it, he had a reason to hate me and be mad at me, because all of this time I have just been leading him on and not wanting to date him.. but after last night we talked and I told him that I wasn't going to be sending anymore mixed signals, that from now on I'm going to be clear and that I want him and want to be with him. I don't really know what he's thinking honestly but he seems happy to know that everything is cleared up now. I just want us to try to date again but I am doubtful that we could ever get back to that. He came to visit me during work today and I swear the second he walked in the door, my heart just started racing and I got so shakey and so nervous and butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't focus on anything but him and I haven't felt that way in so long.. It wasn't bad.. it just made me so overwhelmed with emotion to see him and have him there at my work. He kept smiling at me as he ate from across the store.. and it was just fulfilling and made my day complete. Then two of my other friends came and saw me, and today was really good. I worked from 10 am to 4:30 but we were really slow at the end and I got to sit down and talk with Connor for about a hour, he's pretty interesting but I'm not sure if we have too much of a connection.. I'm scared to get involved with him because I want to be with Frank.. but Frank has a girlfriend right now, no matter how good of friends we get back to being.. he will not dump her for me. So.. me and Connor are going to see Grown Ups 2 tomorrow and he's paying for me, It's obvious that he really likes me. I like him too.. but I think that I'm crazily in love with Frank.. but I can't be with him right now and I don't want to mess with his relationship so I'm going to just try to pursue other people like he is. Nothing too much is going on. I started a new diet with my mom, taking green coffee bean extract so we will see how that goes in about a month.. I found out my brother is cheating on his girlfriend of two years with HIS best friend's little sister.. I told his girlfriend about what I found and all she said is that she understood because she messed up too (I assume she cheated too), she wasn't mad or anything about it which I guess is amazing.. shes a great girl honestly but I wish my brother was being better to her. Anywho.. I feel pretty pissed that I relapsed back into cutting, but I couldn't help it.. and I think I had been clean for about 2 months? And I just ruined it because I let my emotions control me.. but I feel so strongly about him,and I couldn't realize that until wil got out of the picture. I was dating Wil and I didn't admit to myself that I had any feelings for Frank until me and Wil were officially over and then it became clear to me that I actually cared more for Frank as a friend than I ever cared for Wil as a couple.. I mean they aren't really comparable though, they are such different types of relationships and I just have no words to describe either of them.. Wil.. I loved him, I think I loved him.. but he was immature and he drug me down with all of his negativity towards life and his family.. Frank.. is a lot different, he's mature and grown up and I mean yeah he has his faults, but he understands me a lot better than most people. but besides all of that, nothing else is really going on I guess. I usually have so much to write about but I really don't today. I'm surprised I haven't written about Daniel in a while, he's still important to me but he's just not in my thoughts that much anymore, he hasn't talked to me in months, he probably doesn't even think about my anymore.. and I now can go a day or two without him even crossing my mind, which is a lot better than thinking about him all during the day or multiple times during the day and being continuously upset about him not talking to me.. It's just not worth being upset about anymore.. He is never going to love me and I got that through my mind.