Every Time

Every Time,

    So honestly I don't know where to start. I think so much has changed, so quickly that I have hardly had time to breathe but I'm going to try to start from the top. Wil found out a week ago that he was being kicked out of his home, back to San Antonio.. He left on the 7th, his birthday.. I was mood swinging the entire week which is terrible timing.. and I was upset the day he left that I didn't go say goodbye to him and I felt so bad. I haven't talked to him since then, he's probably partying it up with his mom while I'm stuck here feeling more alone than ever. It's exactly the way it was with Daniel.. Left for a new city, a new life, one without me and I'm left here wondering if anyone is ever going to stay with me.. and if I will ever be good enough for someone to say NO. I'm not going to go. Because I love her enough that I need to be with her, I can't leave her like that.. and that's why I just don't believe that anyone has loved me. Because nobody ever has stayed here for me, when they had the option to go, they left.. and they didn't look back and that's pretty pathetic. I don't honestly think that anyone has the standards I have for love I guess.. but love to me.. is dropping everything for the person you want to be with.. Following them or refusing to leave their side, because they are your life.. I don't know if I will ever find that love again though, I'm not even truly sure if it exists. But I miss Wil.. A lot. A lot more than I expected, but I know that in time he will forget me and I will forget him and I will have to move on just like I have before, theres no time to wallow in self pity like I did before. What else happened? Hmm.. Well I got a job at Subway! I was hired instantly during my interview and I started 2 days later, I've been working for 2 weeks so far I think, I got the hang of everything mostly, but I hate that the people I work with ALWAYS tell me what to do.. I'm like uhm I know I'm new but I'm not stupid, I know what i'm supposed to be doing and when I'm supposed to do it, I don't need any reminders. I enjoy some of my co-workers though, they're all guys except one other girl who goes to my school who has a total bitch in middle school.. I haven't had a shift with her yet though, so I don't know how that will go. I'm working about 20 hours a week, only have 2 days off a week.. It's not hard work and the customers are pretty easy and always happy. We share our tips which kind of sucks, I wish we didn't have to.. just doesn't seem fair to me. It's a good distraction from life and home though, I don't really have any friends to hang out with so it's giving me something to do during the summer and make money..  I enjoy having a job again but I still wished I worked at Domino's, thats where I was comfortable with and I got great tips and made some good money! And barely worked, so I could still have a social life.. Hmm.. What else? Me and Ashley are friends again, not really as close as we used to be but working on healing.. she doesn't really text back much though, I guess she's busy with work or her boyfriend. Who knows. John bought me a plane ticket to come see him in Florida July 26-July 31st, so i'm excited cause thats the only vacation I'm going to get this entire summer.. I hope I have fun, I'm nervous to fly alone and I'm also nervous to meet his dad and be staying with them and everything... I'm also nervous that I will just be really bored while he's at work and will have nothing to do..  I'm excited to see him though and see the Key West and everything. He was talking about how expensive engagement rings are though.. I honestly hope he doesn't have the brilliant idea to propose to me while I'm down there.. I already told him that I wasn't interested in starting a relationship.. and especially not with him, he's over a thousand miles away, what kind of relationship would that be?! I can't handle long distance.. it's why me and Wil aren't even trying to do long distance.. well that and he doesn't have a phone right now. Damn. I miss him. I swear the best things in my life tend to leave just when I get so used to them being around. I wish life didn't do that to me. I found my first college I'm applying to! CSI-CUNY!!! I'm excited! The application for 2014 fall isn't out yet or I'd already apply.. But it looks like such a great school and it's one of the most affordable for out of state tuitions AND it's in New York! If I got accepted I would just flip lol. I'm so excited to start my future, but I still have senior year to go and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm taking my ACT in Septemeber, had to pay 50$ for that, bleh. I'm not excited for that but it's necessary. I'm considering retaking the SAT but I had like a 1590 score, which isn't too bad but it isn't fabulous.. which honestly I don't know if I could do better if I re-took it, I tried my hardest on it already. My birthday is on the 18th.. I was planning a huge party but I canceled it, I just don't really want to do anything for it.. I want to get my industrial pierced and thats about it. Maybe hang with a few friends, get a cake, but nothing special.. turning 17 is not important. nothing to celebrate about me being alive either.. I don't know what else is really going on in my life.. Me and Frank aren't talking.. I keep thinking about changing that but I know he's just done with me. And I don't want to interrupt his life with me being around.. I do that enough with everyone else, I should spare him the burden of me. My family's doing good, I don't get to see them much because I've been working and they've been working.. I don't think much else is going on in my life lol. Sika is about 3 months old, she knows sit and shake. She's working on lay down but hasn't mastered it yet... And that's about it ~