Keeping Control

Keeping Control,

So my resolution for September: Working out every single day at least 30 minutes minimum and I have to burn 250 calories at the least. Day 2 and I've done good so far! I'm proud of myself and I'm determined to keep my progress up. This is the last week of my diet, then it's finished on the 8th, I know I can make it through this. I'm so close! I read all of these things though about people reaching their goal weight and then they feel no successful feeling or anything, and I fear that I will be exactly like that.. That when I get to 120, it will not be enough for me and I will crave to get to 115.. then 110.. and 100.. and then 90.. and how long before I just vanish into dust? But maybe I shouldn't worry, I love food. Too much. But I'm hoping with adding in exercise it will allow me to tone my body out and be able to eat healthy and just be healthy in general and most of all, help out my back and strengthen my core muscles! Because that is what I'm desperately needing. Everything else in my life is pretty good, Nothing much really new from yesterday. I am waiting to hear back from ihop about my interview, I am really hoping I can get the waitress job.. I'm starting my first commission painting tomorrow, I'm really nervous but it is a fairly easy painting, I just want to do well on it and I still have no idea what my asking price for it would be.. It's for a distant family member so it would be quite odd to ask a lot but at the same time, I spend my time in-between school and hopefully a job soon to create a beautiful piece of artwork that I am just going to be handing over. I already know I will be buying a frame and a canvas so the price has to be over $35 at the very minimum, after that I guess it just depends on how long I spend sketching and painting it, the overall outcome and how much paint I use. I have faith in myself that I will do good on it though :). I kind of haven't talk to much Connor today, I realize that I need to just back off of talking to him really because I don't need him getting the impression that I want anything except for friends out of him... I already have enough problems with leading on guys, I don't want to do that anymore after I just now finally got rid of all of those pesky guys. OH! I did forget to mention there is a cute guy in my English class, he has a girlfriend though, but they just recently started dating. I don't honestly know if he's into me at all, I have no idea but he is fun to look at I guess for the moment. In the rest of my classes, eh the guys aren't really much of lookers. Texas isn't a great producer of cute guys in my opinion. They're all just country boys and hicks and that's boring and all the same. I am not a country girl in any aspect nor do I want my guy to be a country boy. People look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I want to move to New York though, like I guess they just don't see that happen often, because it's such a far move and an expensive move.. But still I wish people could just have faith in me and realize that if its my dream to go that far and change my life, then just let me do it and you don't need to say anything about it. If i wanted someone else's input I would definitely ask for it, but since I didn't... I don't think anyone else should worry what I do. I turned off the updates from Wil's moms facebook today, all she ever posted about was that she was drunk on wine and she uploaded photos of Wil smoking topless and clearly he was very high.. I am so disappointed in her for even giving birth.. Terrible influence if I've ever seen one. I just didn't constantly want to see her posts, knowing that she is the one taking care of my ex-boyfriend, just makes me angry. He had a better life here that he just gave away to go get high every day... Whatever, I guess I shouldn't comment on his life when I don't want people commenting on mine.. I just wished better for him. I wanted a good life for him but I just fear he will never get it with the path that he is on... but since we are broken up I honestly shouldn't concern myself. The only guy I'm concerning myself with right now is Daniel and that's because he needs me. Well he needs Laura.. but since he doesn't have her, I will have to do. My friend said I shouldn't let myself be a second choice.. but at least I'm a choice at all and I'm not ever going to get my hopes up enough that we could re spark our old flame that we had such a long time back.. It just seems impossible. I would be wasting my time hoping for anything like that to happen, right now I am content to be his friend and at least be in his life.. a place I haven't been in a long time :) and he finally trusts me and talks to me and believes I have changed and matured.. Him seeing that quality in me, makes me feel so good about myself, because for the longest time he refused to believe that I had changed, so therefore I doubted it myself.. but now that he knows I have, I know I have as well. My heart still cries for him though, and my love still reaches out for him but I will never let myself have him unless he wanted me first. There is something so satisfying about self control.. whether it be over emotions or eating or something.. I get a sick pleasure out of knowing that I have control over what happens in my life.