Chasing Flames

Chasing Flames,

I've been just trying my best with everything, school, relationships, family, life, living, diet, everything. And I can honestly say that I am not sure if my good is just not good enough or if I'm just not trying as much as I can. I don't know where I'm going yet, I am so indecisive about everything all of the time it seems. I want a job one second, but not the next.. I want a boyfriend one minute, but not the next. I've been trying so hard to just talk to Daniel and help him with advice as much as possible and I don't feel like we are going anywhere.. He is back to dating Laura and I feel like we are just back to square one.. He doesn't call me as much anymore or text me goodnight.. He still texts me good morning but I feel like he is slacking.. but I guess I don't matter to him much anymore cause I am just a friend now... Wil called me a few days ago, I asked him to homecoming and hopefully he should be coming down for a weekend in October to go to homecoming with me. I'm buying my dress this weekend! And I got asked to Hebron homecoming by Tony (Yes we just started talking again tonight!) I don't know if I can go yet because of my work schedule.. I just have no idea if I even want that job right now.. It seems like so much work for a job that I don't truly want.. We have to memorize the entire menu, just as a hostess and as a hostess it's ALL cleaning and greeting customers, I am not so sure about that.. and the job orientation training interrupts my weekend with Daniel and I am just stressed out!! I feel so overwhelmed trying to constantly fix things with all of these people in my life.. Me and Connor cant fix anything, I can't fix things with Cameron or Alex or Frank.. and I just wish I could, I know that they were so important to me and I hate to just lose them in the blink of an eye.. even though I should have tried a long long time ago.. I just never thought I would be alone like I am right now I guess, I don't know, I'm not quite sure what was going on in my head.. I never know what's going on in my head, ain't that the truth.. I thought that being with Daniel is what I truly wanted, but now that I am talking to him, I realize that my longing for him is just because he was something I couldn't have, he's not that great now that I see, he hasn't changed, he isn't more mature, he is a love-sick puppy that hasn't achieved anything in the time that I have done so much with mine.. I don't know how hanging out with him will go, I'm nervous and worried that it will be kind of awkward but hopefully we will just do something fun or in a group.. I'm just worried about a lot of things I swear, I guess I am mood swinging, or over-thinking or something but I am just freaked out.. and I am so exhausted lately, I swear I can barely keep my eyes open in the mornings and then when I get home after school I just want to fall into my bed and never get up again... Oh.. me and Michael started talking again too, I tried to fix things with him as well, but we aren't doing that great.. It's so hard to return things to normal once so much has changed.. I don't even know where to start with the other 3.. I don't even think it's possible anymore honestly. As much as I hate to, I need to learn to let go of people who don't want me in their life anymore, because obviously its for a reason right? If they wanted me in their life, they would tell me... Because you're not going to ignore somebody you love right? Or am I just seriously that bad of a person/influence that people realize that they can't be around me because I drag them down? I don't know.. I wish I could just see myself from someone elses eyes.. I feel worthless and ugly and revolting and stupid.. So so so stupid for feeling upset about people that don't even think about me anymore.. but I can't help it. I gave a piece of myself to them, whether it be mentally or physically.. it still HURTS to see people walk away from me without even a second glance in my direction..