Stuck Thinking

Stuck Thinking, 

So, so much has gone on.. Bad, good, I don't really know. This weekend was supposed to be Hebron Homecoming but Tony cancelled last minute and didn't want to spend that much money in one night, plus has his own crap on his mind with trying to date Eli and all of that stuff. I wasn't really hurt, cause I was going to homecoming with Wil.. well then the same day that he cancels, Wil messages me on Facebook and says that he can't go because he can't miss any school time.. I was just like wow great, day ruined. He wouldn't be missing any school time but I didn't argue with it, I just let it go. So I've just been kind of upset up and down this whole month. I guess cause of PMDD and I had two periods this month, yeah TMI but I gotta keep that crap tracked down to figure out what causes me to feel like crap all of the time. ANYWAYS so this weekend, Daniel flies in and calls me at 6:30 Saturday morning and says he wants to hang out.. I like immediately jump out of bed, and get ready, real anxious that he won't like me when he sees me, but he opens the door and the first thing he says is that I got taller or he got shorter haha.. But we hung out from like 7 to 11, and it was amazing. We just talked for most of it until about 9, talked about friends, Laura, life, all of that stuff and laughed and joked and I looked around his house at everything (we were home alone at his dad's house) and then he showed me something in his bedroom and we just end up sitting on his bed and he all of a sudden was just like "I've been wanting to kiss you this entire time", and I got SO nervous and just started going like "oh uhm hehe ujhm uhm uhm" and I was finally just like "sigh.. don't tempt me" and he paused I guess and was just like "Just kiss me" and leaned across to me on the bed and kissed me and oh uhm wow. I don't think I have had a more unexpected moment in my entire life. It was a little bit awkward at first, Gotta be honest. It was so shocking and strange and new that I didn't know what to do. But after that odd kiss we got off the bed and were gonna go to Walgreens and get him cigs and I got a rockstar. He just kept being really flirty and kissing me a lot, and I can't complain, and I felt like a fucking absolute millionare when he kissed me. Like I had won a game that I didn't even know I was playing and the prize was him, but I couldn't shake out of my mind that it was just because he wanted to get Laura out of his head.. I don't know, it kind of upset me but he continually told me how attractive I was and how skinny I was and it just made me feel really good to be around him. After Walgreens we went to the park and sat and talked, there were too many people there and it was uncomfortable though so we went to a park closer to his house and hung around there, kissed in the rain, found him a hat, and then I dropped him off. I know it doesn't sound a lot, because it really wasn't but it was such precious time with him that turned out so much better than I could have ever planned, I was so worried that it would just be awkward between us.. So after that he spent most of the time down here with family, and sleeping. I wanted to see him again on Sunday night but he fell asleep, It wasn't a big deal though, I had school and I couldn't say that I was awake enough to appreciate any time with him, I was very exhausted. I'm always exhausted when I have mood swings frequently, they take everything out of me.. I went to school this morning and I felt like I was seriously dead, just dragging through everything, I had about 5 hours of sleep but it just is never enough it seems..  So I got home this afternoon and I got on Tumblr for a little bit before I took my nap and I guess I just saw something that reminded me of Frank, and I just laid my head down and I kept thinking, why did he play me? Why, out of all of the people possible did he play me? Was I not enough, was I just another girl to him? Am I always just going to be "another" girl? Because I feel sick to my stomach being played around by people and I don't think I can continue to do that. I want to be someone's first choice for once.. Like I guess I kind of forget the negatives that people do, Frank treated me like crap sometimes, sometimes he was a perfect gentleman.. Wil cheated on me, and I forgave him because we weren't technically dating at the time.... Cameron guilt tripped me.. OH! Speaking of Ex's though, me and Alex have been talking again thanks to the help of Ashley.. Now me and Ashley aren't talking.. But for totally different reasons. I asked Alex to Homecoming last night and he basically just blew it off, not in a rude way but he said that I could do so much better for a date and that he would be a lame date and that he just really didn't feel okay doing that, so I didn't push him for it.. but the rejection did kind of sting. As far as Ashley, well she broke her terms that we became friends again on. She is headed down such a destructive path that I had no choice to just step away again. It seems she can only get her act straight when I'm not in her life, but she is cutting again and has just become such a person I don't even recognize anymore. She used to swear up and down that she would never even try weed or have sex before marriage or ever lie to her parents. They used to be so close, now her house is just a war zone, and she's close to her breaking point if she hasn't already hit it yet. I can't say I'm worried? Because I figure I shouldn't waste my emotions on her (I wish I didn't waste them on anyone in my past), since she knows that Corbin is the only one she needs. She picked her own fate at this point, she could fix it if she wanted, but since she doesn't, it won't and I only see it getting worse. Besides that, I'm just trying to hang out through these stupid mood swings, they are seriously the worst. They are when I'm at my weakest, and I think I've grown enough to not cut or kill myself but it doesn't make the thoughts any easier.. Now I can determine when my thoughts and words start becoming irrational but I hate talking to people when I'm upset, I don't have anyone I can really trust with my thoughts and I don't even want to try most times. Nobody will understand PMDD.. I wish I could meet somebody else with PMDD who is around my age and figure out how similar we are or if I'm just the crazy one.