Screaming Out

Screaming Out,

Yeah great, it's one of those nights. I binged, and ate and ate and ate and ate, and I don't know why I do that to myself. I eat till I am physically hurting and I regret eating and I feel so guilty and I feel like I am so worthless because I lose all of my control and I just can't stop myself and it's so pathetic, I should be able to know better and stop when my stomach says its full but my mind screams at me to just eat and eat and keep eating because I'm fat and I deserve to pig out and look how I feel like I look and to just destroy myself from the inside out.. and for the first time in the shower I felt like I should just start smoking cigarettes, to help with stress and to help with eating.. but I don't know if I would just get addicted or what would happen, and how stupid of a thing it even is to consider.. but what's worse is that I should not consider even smoking ice again, but I am and I really want to tomorrow night if I can.. I don't even know what's making me feel this way.. Daniel stopped talking to me on Tuesday, just like I knew he would.. going back to Laura and leaving me in the dust like I knew would happen.. I started talking to Ashley again, Asked Connor to homecoming and he said yes. I feel like everything goes up and then everything comes down and falls to the ground just to shatter. Just when I think I am ahead, it just turns to complete shit and it's ridiculous. I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of being here. I always hear well "if you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be here right now", Trust me I don't want to be here right now, the only thing that is stopping me is the fact that if I failed again, I would be in the hospital for months, possibly a year or something trying to get help.. being pumped full of drugs that ultimately will make things worse for me.. and I don't think I could handle that, I don't think I could handle slipping back into where I used to be freshman and sophomore year, I should be better than that.. I should either know not to try suicide again and deal with my problems, or at least understand a better way to kill myself than over the counter drugs. Pathetic that I even think like that.. I was driving home, yesterday and there was a curve in the road, that if you didn't follow the curve, would just run into a metal railing and into houses/ditch, and I honestly almost didn't follow the curve, just wanted to go straight, but I was so uncertain that I would die from the impact that I couldn't go through with it, I imagined my parents reactions if I survived the car wreck still alive, I would have no care and I would probably have something broken and be in a lot of pain and suffering, and even worse if they found out it was a suicide attempt instead of just an "accident"... but I'm in so much pain already, what can I do to escape this.. I just want out.. these aren't even mood swings anymore, I'm just so sad.. and I'm hiding it all, but I'm not trying to hide it, it's just the fact that there is nothing to say. I am worthless, useless and broken and dumb and fat and I don't think that being thin or any amount of love, or any college or anything could make me happy. I don't think that I deserve to be happy, because obviously if I was meant to be happy, I think life would have let me know a while back.. Everything just goes downhill, it may slightly go uphill but the downs are so much worse.. it seems impossible to ever get on a straight level. My best friend told me she liked me today, but her and her girlfriend are so , great together, I couldn't imagine her messing up her relationship for me, and I don't even like girls like that... I just have never been so confused about people this much before, I don't understand why somebody would just willingly cheat on the person they have been with for over a year or even a few days.. like come on.. you dedicated your time and commitment to them by saying they are your boyfriend or girlfriend, why would you go behind their back and betray their trust my doing that to them.. I am such a hypocrite. I hate myself.. but I don't even understand why I cheated, so I can't understand why other people cheat either. I just feel like shit about myself, so maybe other people do it for the same reason too.. but that is no excuse, there is never an excuse. You either be honest with your significant other and tell them that you are interested in someone else or you shut your fucking mouth and stay faithful to them.. you can't just go fuck somebody else.. when you are getting plenty of love and care and affection from them.. I am not a back-up plan, I am not a second choice, I won't let anybody use me.. I hate myself and I beat myself up enough about it, I don't need someone else using me to remind me how much of a horrible person I am. How did I ever get this low.. God please let me die in my sleep tonight.. how am I ever going to face school tomorrow, or face another day feeling this way.. I can't do this I can't I can't I can't.. I'm losing it... I don't even want help anymore.. I can't be saved, I'm so far gone.