Uneasy Heart

Uneasy Heart,

So FINALLY after weeks of not talking, I texted Travis and I said " I WISH you would talk to me" and he instantly responded.. So we made plans like the next day to hang out Wednesday night. So he didn't really talk to me the whole day and I thought he had bailed on me, but last second he asked if we were still hanging. I got ready and hung with a friend for a little bit before he got back home from riding with his dad, we met up at the theater again where we met the first time and he told me he had to run an errand first, so we drove over to a bar and we waited on his dealer for like an hour and talked in his car which is where i finally got him to explain why he had ignored me and what was even wrong with him in the first place and basically got him to tell me some things I knew that were very personal to him. I was pissed though and I definitely bitched at him for a good twenty minutes before even letting him speak. And I forced him to apologize to me because I told him how bad he hurt my feelings ignoring me like that, even though know I totally understand why he ignored me and I probably would have done the same thing if i was in the same situation he went through. I don't want to type it out what happened but hopefully my future self remembers (if he even stays in my life) I promised him if he ever needed someone to talk to, that i would be there for him regardless if he wanted a relationship or not, even if we just stayed friends., then we drove around for a while trying to find a park to smoke a blunt in, ended up going to his friends house to smoke and just parked in his driveway, we laid in the back of his car and smoked for quite some time while we just talked and it was a little awkward and then he finally leaned down and kissed me and the rest of the night was just hardcore making out... but not too long into kissing, he literally stopped to tell me that he didn't want to go any further than this tonight and kept sounding really frustrated about it, saying that he did want to go further BUT..... said he just wanted to "play it safe"... Which doesn't really make any sense to me, I don't know that means, if that he wanted to wait until we were in a relationship to do anything or if he wasn't interested me like that or if he just didn't have any condoms with him or what.. I kept trying to ask him what he meant by playing it safe and he just said it means what It should mean... I've been thinking about it way too hard.. stressing myself out about it.. Or maybe if he was just too tired to want to do anything.. But he kept telling me that he really likes me and told me I was such an amazing kisser and that he was really interested in me and not to take offense or take it personally that he didn't want to go further than kissing. I've honestly just never been faced with that situation. I've never been rejected. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I did something wrong.. no matter how much someone assures me. It's not like I would have wanted to anything more than kiss though, so it was kind of lucky that we both felt the same way.. But I don't know. It's unusual. Or he just didn't want to do anything so soon after a huge change/event happened in his life. I don't knooooowww. I should really stop thinking. I texted him last night asking if he got home safely, he never texted back. I texted him again when I got home safely, no response. I texted him this morning, no response. Logged on facebook and saw he had been reposting stuff again, but couldn't text me. I'm so beyond frustrated. Honestly.. I think I give up now. I'm not going to try for him anymore unless he puts forth the effort first. I read our messages when we first started talking and he was so adamant to get to try to know me and date me and everything.. now it's a text here and there, after i've already texted him like 5 times. So. I can only try so hard. I can't keep playing the desperation card. It's making me pathetic. I feel pathetic. I feel miserable actually. I can't wait until January to start being vegan again, get some extra weight off and hopefully just feel better and more sexier than I do right now.. Cause I've actually tried to talk to four different guys now since I've been single, and 3 have flat out rejected me for a relationship, and Justin.. I just couldn't give him another chance. I couldn't handle being with him again. Even if he can offer me the world, I don't want it from him. Theres too many things about him that I just don't think I will ever be able to love again. Too much time that separates us from the lovers we used to be. He can't see that, but I can.. and hopefully one day he will be able to too and that is when his uneasy heart will be able to rest.

Rejecting Love

Rejected Love,

I officially give up on men. I give up on putting my effort in, and getting heart broken in return. I still haven't talked to Travis. He sent me a snapchat today and anger just flashed in my mind because HOW DARE HE SNAP CHAT ME WHEN HE HASNT SPOKEN TO ME IN LIKE 3 WEEKS. But then I watched the snapchat and I realized he just sent it to everyone on his list and put it on his story. So I let all my anger go. Me and Andrew have made plans three times now to hang out and he completely blew me off each time. So I give up there. Yet he still keeps making all these posts on facebook about being single and shit. I know why he's single now for his age. He's just fucked up. Glad he saved me the trouble of knowing he was shit early on rather than leading me on and hurting me later. Justin and me have been having issues. I'm done with love and he just wants another chance. He texted me on thanksgiving and we've been talking since then. I wish he wouldn't have. I wish he would have just left me alone. I didn't need more trouble in my life from him. I didn't want to hurt him but i've told him everything painfully imaginable i can to try and get him to leave me alone. I told him I didn't ever want to have sex with him, told him I would never tell him I love him again, told him I didn't want to date, didn't want to do anything... Yet he's still here.. waiting for me like I'm the best girl he could ever possibly deserve. But I've pissed him off so I don't know if he's going to talk to me. It's always just fire and ice between us. I'm so tired of fighting with people. I am so tired of being upset with people. I was happy for a good solid two days when I thought things were going good. I was more just excited to start something with Travis. I really thought we would be something. I really don't know what happened. I wish he would tell me. I wish I knew. Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe I'm too fat? Maybe I'm annoying.. or maybe its innocent and its only because of the distance between us and nothing else. But I can't get an answer out of him.. and I don't want to keep trying. I don't want to be desparate. I wish I could just let go of the people who already let go of me. It would be a lost easier.  I also found out the my god child is a BOY!! My friend is 20 weeks along and we just found out his gender yesterday. His name is going to be Brantley. I am so excited. She's going to let me be there when she gives birth, since she hasn't let me go to any of her doctors appointments. Crazy how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I guess it's cause I'm not the one who is pregnant haha. That would be a mess if I was. I have plans later tonight, but so much on my mind, I felt like I had to get some of it out. But it's always the same, it never really changes, I never fail to get upset about things that shouldn't even matter... But now I have to see Andrew, every morning shift I work.. and of course I work the whole weekend with him.... I don't even know how that is going to go. I hate being constantly reminded of someone I dislike. But it's his fault we aren't together, and thats what drives me crazy about all these men I guess. I'm used to being the one who says NO to guys. I am not used to guys saying NO to me. It makes me feel like the tables have really switched. Maybe that is karma just biting me on the ass. Or Have I just become someone that I don't even recognize anymore ?  I feel normal. I feel like myself.. but I feel the demon inside me waiting to come out. When I argue with anyone, or get angry, I feel it's vibes lurking, waiting for the chance to jump out and cause someone pain. I don't want to repeat the situation with Ashton. I really don't. I have to stop fighting with Justin. I can't take feeling my demon inside me. It had been a good 4 or 5 years since I had relapsed into anger like that. I can't even remember if I was sober or fucked up or if it was a hangover or what. I just can't rememeber clearly. But I let myself slip. I should never let myself slipped. I'm just lucky that the cops weren't called. I really thought they would be. Thats all I remember thinking. I was very self-aware, afraid the hotel employees would watch the camera and call the cops. Or our neighbors would come out and try to pull us apart, or hear the screaming, or something. But nobody every came, nobody ever noticed we were there, so it didn't feel real. Nothing that night felt real. Nothing that whole week felt real. Losing him doesn't feel real. I have to keep asking myself why he won't come back to me. But I know why. I know why he will never come back. I know why all his ex's went "crazy" on him.. and how I fit RIGHT into that category when I swore I never would. I don't ever see us getting back together. Though I wish we would. Sometimes..? Do I? Do I really? I don't know. Can you date someone after going through that much?

Lonely Thoughts

Lonely Thoughts,

Wow, today was really a slap to the face. A real reality check. I haven't talked to barely anyone today. Travis, not Andrew. I've spent my day in my head all day, nobody to text me and keep me entertained. I tried talking to both of them and they just didn't reply and blew me off basically for no reason. I don't know if I did something wrong or what happened but it's saddening. It's given me a reminder that I am single and that I don't have anybody who truly loves me in life besides the small family I do have. And that is a very sobering/frightening thing to think about. I couldn't help but think about all the money I spent in all my relationships, and how I always give so much to people physically to compensate for the things I cannot give them emotionally... It's time for me to try and turn that around and give more emotionally than I ever have but that's kind of hard to do when I can't find a guy who even wants to talk to me for a solid day. I know I haven't known or been close to either of them for very long but still.. I want somebody. I need somebody. I can't be alone like this. My thoughts aren't ever safe when I'm left alone for too long.. somebody should know that.. somebody should be sitting next to me to save me, but when i look next to me I am alone. I guess I could always go back to justin if nothing wrongs out... but I've been playing and playing games with him for a long time and he deserves a lot better than me. Even though all he really wants is me. I wish people knew what they deserved and were willing to go for it rather than settling. But I settle too. It's human nature I guess. We just naturally want to be with the first person who comes in our lives and says the right thing, we want to chase after anyone that gives us their attention... And we settle, because we're too focused on one option to see the second option which is clearly better when it appears. Humans are so stupid it upsets me, it upsets me that I'm one of them. That I can't even escape this humanity. Maybe I should only write when I'm high. I feel like... that would be the best way to get my thoughts out instead of just updating my future self (like she really cares...)..I have to heal my brain somehow. I don't know if writing has helped at all.. It's just something I've been trying to push myself to do before this year is over. This year has been crazy.. like really crazy. I can't tell if i've fallen more apart or if i've patched myself up a little better than before. I feel like I've had a lot of people in and out of my life this year. Some I wish they would have stayed, some I wish they would have gone a lot sooner. Last year was a year of craziness too though. Mostly with Justin, he was my highlight and the darkest points of that year.  I don't really know who my highlight this year was.. but I know my darkest point was Ashton. I hope for a year where I do not have any darkest points, only highlights, a year so incredible that I can look back upon it and be so damn happy to be alive and have witnessed it. I was talking to Charly tonight and reminded myself of the time in our Bermuda cruise where we were sailing back into NYC and like 7 of us, huddled in a large chair and watched the sunrise and talked and giggled and laughed and flirted. It was beautiful. The cold air hit us but we only snuggled closer. Eventually two of them had to go back to their cabins to sleep, but those who stayed witnessed the ever beautiful changing sky.. It was bitter sweet, because I would probably never see these people again my life, and that the vacation was over and I had met some truly amazing people who forever changed my viewpoint on life and to this day, I still talk to every now and then.. We try to keep updated on eachothers lives, We've all grown so much this year as well.  It's so crazy how time matures us even when it feels like every day is the same old bullshit.

Monsters Influence

Monsters Influence,

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving, I'm super full of carbohydrates and food babies. I regret eating but, thats every holiday. I forgot to miss Ashton all day. I really did forget, some days are better like that.. but then there are days where he's the only thing on my mind. But lately it's been easier to not let myself think about the past, the days keep passing and it continues to take away further from that bad time. Tomorrow will be a month since this all happened, since we broke up... A month of hatred for eachother, a month of no forgiveness from him, a month since my whole life and future plans changed. But It's also been about a week that I can take a selfie and not see the sadness in my eyes. A week that I can have a normal day and go without crying or having to skip classes just so I could wallow at home in pain. A week since I want to go out to work and to hang with friends. A week since I will finally answer my phone when it rings, instead of sending my friends simply calling to chat to my voicemail. A week since I will get on social media and not cringe when I see photos of couples or quotes about break ups. I've been trying to think about when I will want to date again, but to be honest I really don't know. I wouldn't be happy with a relationship right now, but at the same time, if I don't say yes when the question is asked, I don't think things will be as smooth for me afterwards. I'm in a hard place. But that's how the universe works for me. I lose two people in my life, and I receive two more. Thus making me have to decide... and I never know which answer will be the wrong one. But even if I pick the wrong one, I will lose the wrong one and then proceed to lose the right one as well. I have to pick right on the first try I guess. Is that how life works for other people? I wish I knew. I feel like my life is more complicated than others. I talk to my friends and hear about their love lives. I don't think I've met anyone that has had an EASY relationship, I've heard of all the fights in everyones relationships but most people don't break up and date someone new. I mean, my friends have had multiple boyfriends but not as quickly as i have had. I just feel like i go through people. I wish I knew what was truly wrong with me, I wonder if i should seek out therapy? I wish I could talk to like a psychiatric major doctor or something and explain all my feelings.. or hell, show this blog to them and tell them that I need a diagnosis. Just something that can explain this. Or tell me that it's normal for my age, or someone similar to me, or I don't even know. I don't feel like i've had a hard life. I've been priveleged. But I've never been happy. I go through these cycles and they never seem to break and I don't want these cycles to continue for the rest of my life. I don't think I can keep living through this. Especially since they seem to get increasingly disastrous. If I can actually hurt someone I love, and be able to say such awful things to them and kick them and leave physical marks out of anger and not love, and NOT be able to remember it or be controlled... I just.. I feel like I could be capable of so much worse... I don't know if that event can be repeated and/or even worsened... or if that was just a one time freak out that won't ever happen again, it was only because of the relationship and the drugs and the atmosphere and the stress...  It's just kind of terrifying to live with a monster inside of you that can be woken up whenever it pleases.... Theres no protecting my loved ones from myself..

First Date

First Date,

I had my first date with Travis last night... Honestly it's nice to start over. like incredibly nice. My relationship with Ashton was great at the beginning, and it always starts that way doesn't it? But we just got to the point where I couldn't handle talking to him, I would ignore him if he pissed me off and we would go hours or a day without talking, or I mean.. he would text me but I wouldn't respond. Just getting away from that, and getting away from justin as well.. has been amazing. I felt so bummed out. I felt depressed for losing one relationship and then angry at myself for letting a second person slip through my hands too but honestly, it was my choice. It was all a choice. it was a choice for that weekend to go badly. It was a choice to not be able to work things out. It wasn't all just MY choice but also his choice as well. But still, maybe he'll come back in a year or so and tell me he wants to be together. I just hope I can look him in the eyes and tell him I'm sorry but no. I tend to forgive people too easily, I give them more chances to hurt me and I don't want to be that way anymore. I already offered my friendship to ashton, I offered him a second chance at us. He ignored my text message. Guess I got a good taste of my own medicine, didn't I?


Anyways.. Back to the date. So it was our first time meeting after we have been talking for a good.. year? Idk. On and off. But it was very natural of a meeting. I don't know, he hugged me instantly and told me how nice it was to finally meet me. We got in his car and drove around to find a place to roll a blunt, then he took us to a little spot on the lake to smoke, it was freezing cold though.. we smoked and talked and laughed and joked and flirted a little bit then went back to his car. We drove around and just talked for a little bit and then decided to go to a hookah lounge. Not the best place for a first date but it was all spontaneous and last minute, not like we had planned an actual romantic date or anything. He paid for everything. We enjoyed the hookah, though it both made us sick after a while. We watched a very intoxicated girl grind against a clearly nervous indian guy, It was pretty funny. I really enjoyed that, it was very entertaining.. It was a very loud environment, like crazy loud so it was hard to talk but we could still hear eachother if we raised our voices. After we left there, we rolled up another blunt and went to his house and smoked there. It was funny though because we looked at the clouds and they formed a small little heart, and I said "look, thats the universe talking to you" and he laughed.. and the heart changed and then he said "look, it got bigger" and surely enough, it had. And thats when I felt healed. Thats when I had realized that I was over the break up, I wasn't bitter about Ashton, I wasn't interested in going back to an ex-boyfriend, I was/am ready to move on and start over with somebody new. The universe told me that it was time to move on and heal, and I will be damned if I tell it no. I had him take me back to my car after that though, and I made a little sexy flirtacious joke and he said "well, We have to start somewhere and leaned over to me, I leaned in and we kissed... and then kept kissing and he put his hand on my neck, and it was just wow. I forgot how much I enjoyed first kisses with people. It's always a new interesting experience. I just wanted to keep kissing him but he pulled away and smiled and said he had to leave me wanting more for next time. So we both got out of his car and he opened my car door for me and as we said goodbye we kissed again. He's a lot taller than me so I was on my tippy toes a little bit but i had my hands wrapped around his neck and it was.. I don't even know. It felt so natural and comfortable. I wasn't nervous to kiss him (maybe that was the weed or the xanax i had taken) but I was so relaxed. I enjoyed it very much. As soon as I got in my car, I said "oh my GOD" out loud and texted my best friend telling her how much of an amazing kisser he was (of course she was asleep and didn't respond but I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE.) and the whole ride home I would instantly bite my lip if i thought about kissing him... It was a long drive home but honestly it was worth it. I got home about 2am, ate some food and crashed. Then I went to work in the morning and theres a guy named Andrew I work with... and he's a lot older than me... but we flirted like hardcore the entire shift and he finally asked for my number, I gave it to him and we've been talking ever since. He seems pretty nice, I don't expect us to really go anywhere but thats the fun of everything.. Never know who I will end up with next, or what will happen, if ashton will come back out of the blue, or somebody even more new. I don't know. I'm really excited for this next chapter of my life though, regardless of what happens. I feel like i've closed a book. But I know all too well, that this chapter will be over shortly and my negative feelings will come back.  I'm enjoying it while it lasts though.

Losing Everyone

Losing Everyone,

Okay now that I've kind of updated myself. I don't really get on here and type my feelings out much even though I know it desperately helps myself track my progress. But what is the use of tracking your emotions and growth if you aren't growing at all? If every step just keeps bringing me backwards, then why do I keep walking? Why do I keep going on? I wish I knew.

We went to Something Wicked in Houston for a weekend in October, and that was our downfall. I was kind of moody on the drive there but I was just hungry and I got in a better mood after drawing a little bit. Friday night, we went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and had a great night, I paid for everyones food though and nobody thanked me. Later that night after my brother left, we got fucked up and I ended up falling asleep before anyone else but it was nice just to be in a bed with Ashton. Cause that was ultimately our last time we'd ever be that close again. I wish I had known that. I would have cuddled him a little closer, or done a little more or something. Anyways. Saturday morning we all slept in. We woke up about 2pm and found out that the first day of the rave had been cancelled. Therefore we all felt trapped in the hotel room, him and his friend begun drinking and snorting coke early in the day.. I stayed sober, I don't really like to get like that. But me and Ashton just started arguing and fighting and I said a personal joke towards him and he said one to me, and somehow I ended up getting shoved into the counter... but we somehow ended up almost having sex, he just couldn't get it up because of the coke and his friend knocked on the door tired of waiting for the pizza outside, after that we just couldnt keep our hands off eachother, and not in a good way, we started fighting worse (sexual frustration makes everything worse let me tell you now) and yelling and pushing and shoving and kicking and restraining and it all just escalated so quickly. I texted Justin,  desperately trying to save myself, to talk to somebody and get away from it all and Ashton saw my phone, didn't know who it was but grabbed my phone away from me and threw it against the wall and shattered it. Thats basically when I lost myself. I don't really remember too clearly, all my memories go fuzzy when something bad happens like that. Your conscious turns off and everything after that point is animal instincts. I freaked out on him, I knew he was gonna have bruises and marks all over him. I knew his friend was recording me. I didn't care. He hurt me, and there was no coming back from that. My phone is literally my everything. My only connection to the outside world being 5 hours away from home. I borrowed his phone and called my brother bawling and asked him to come pick me up (it was hurricane weather btw when that hurricane hit Mexico, there was a ton of flooding on the drive there but we made it), So while I called my parents and my brother, Ashton was in the background screaming that he never hit me and that he would pay for my phone (which I knew was a lie, he doesn't have a job). He just wouldn't leave me alone, so my anxiety set in and I just had to get away. I went to the front hotel desk and demanded they cancel sunday night and give me my money back, and ashton came and grabbed me and tried to tell them not to refund it. And I demanded they did. I got 60$ back, which isn't much but it made me feel safer that if I didn't have a place to stay with them, they wouldn't either. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I did tell my brother to turn around after i cancelled the hotel, I told him me and Ashton could fix things ourselves and i didn't need him to pick me up. But they were already more than halfway there and refused to turn around. I tried. I tried to fix things, even if Ashton doesn't think so. He broke up with me, and then immediately tried to take it back. I told him I didn't want to be together if he couldn't do anything but hurt eachother. My brother finally came and talked to both of the guys and they took me back to their dorm room all the way in Galveston. I couldn't text ashton or anything and try to figure things out. I got my phone fixed sunday morning and we went out to breakfast. When I was in the phone store, Ashton told me they decided to be nice and wanted to give me a ride back home today. So I had my brother and his gf drive me all the way back to Houston and meet up with them. I got in the car and they both immediately accused me of stealing out of Ashton's wallet because he was missing 80$... But thats not me. I would never steal and I would never go that low. At that point, I didn't hate Ashton. But I was mad. I was unforgiveably mad at him. And not thinking rationally (which i rarely do that anyways, but especially irrationally that day), We stayed pretty silent the whole car ride back home. I didn;t have any music on my new phone to listen to, so it was an awkward silence and dealing with listening to them talking and just pretending I wasn't there the whole ride. We finally got about an hour from home and we started arguing. I was being bitchy (I'm sorry, I really was. Can't deny that but did they think they deserved my happiness?) and they asked me for gas money, and I told them I wouldn't (not knowing that i actually DIDN'T have the money to do it because i spent the money on my phone) and they thought i was being ungrateful and rude so they decided to stop the car and kick me out at a Braum's 40 minutes away from home, at 11pm at night, when it was 60 degrees and i didn't have a jacket, and my phone was at 2%. I had to call my mom crying and have her pick me up. A nice lady and her family and lots of kids came up to me while i was waiting though and asked me if i needed help, I politely explained my situation and told her I was okay though. They left, but the lady came back out like 10 minutes later and brought me a hot cocoa and prayed with me (I'm not religious in any sense but I cried like a baby holding her hands). It was just sad that a complete stranger could show more compassion and love towards me than someone who had spent 6 months talking to me everyday, having sex with me, going on dates with me, telling eachother personal things. I knew we were fighting but I honestly would never leave someone like that. Ever. I don't care if theyre my worst enemy. They never came back either. Never texted me or anything. My mom finally got me, after what felt like forever, and a lot of tears. She was pissed at me. Telling me everything was my fault. But yeah. I already knew that mom.  I got home though and I texted Ashton all day monday and finally I apologized for everything. I said "sorry love" and he said "No." and I just replied with a sad face and he said "Have a good life, Bye" and I haven't heard from him since. I texted him really late at night, the day after halloween and told him how bad I was sorry and knew i fucked everything up, but he never replied. I didn't expect him to reply. Or maybe I did. I don't know but my heart is hurting. I've been hanging with Justin, trying to fix the pain of the whole situation but you know. When one thing comes down, everything else falls apart too. I lost my job yesterday, all my dermal piercings in my chest started to reject, My goose was killed by a stray dog and i had to watch him take his last breath and then proceed to go to class afterwards, and I have a guy I love that I can't be with and a guy who loves me that I refuse to be with. So if theres an award for the worst life events going on sequentially, this is it. Oh, and then yesterday there was all that bombing in Paris and the attacks all over the world. So basically everything is going to shit. I guess I'm not the only one with their life falling apart. I was going to text Ashton today and tell him to please talk to me, I thought about it all last night. I've been thinking about it for a while. But I was on his friend's facebook page today and his mom had commented saying he was enjoying his single life, etc, etc. And it broke me. I don't know if that's a lie. or a truth. or what. but I'm not going to complicate his life. I can't do that anymore. I'm a disaster and I should just learn to leave people alone. I should learn to let go. I desperately wish I could learn to let go. I'm always thinking about someone else when I'm with someone. When I was with Ashton, I couldn't let go of Justin and our memories. Now I'm single (but Justin's been trying to date me) and I can't let go of Ashton and our memories. But I think I still have a shred of faith left in me that something will happen soon and lead me on the best direction. Or I'll finally get the courage I need. But this isn't a fixable situation right now. Maybe I should wait for him to text me first, maybe I should leave it alone? I don't know. You think he would be hurting as much as I would. But who knows. I never know. Love can always be a lie, no matter how much time you spend with eachother... You never know who really loves the most. Especially with someone like me. My feelings dont reveal themselves until that person is gone. Then I feel the loss like a knife to the heart.

(PS: There are some details left out, but thats how my brain works, just hit the high points so that when I look back on this in the future, I can understand without all the unnecessary stuff)

Colorado Update

Colorado  Update,

OK so now is the time that I need to update my blog about the whole Colorado trip. First off, for the entire trip Ashton was sick and vomiting the entire time, he was fine Wednesday night as we drove down to Lubbock and we just talked the entire car ride which was really nice, but we did get into a fight over me being vegetarian and he was very disrespectful and just didn't want to hear about my  views or anything on the matter, which did actually make me very sad but I got over it. He met my aunt and my uncle when we got to Lubbock and also met my cousin and her boyfriend..  They seem to take to him pretty well, we went out on a double date together to Applebee's and he wasn't feeling great after eating there but he wasn't puking that night and we ended up smoking at my cousins house and then falling asleep. We woke up early Thursday morning and he had bought a red bull at a gas station and literally chugged it in a minute flat and then after that   He was puking the entire car ride, we had to stop a couple times to let him get out and puke but after that he just got a trash bag and puked into that ...  He was pretty miserable by the time that we got to Colorado but we did explore a little bit..  Colorado is absolutely beautiful, it is everything that I wanted and more, the first night of the rave I was completely screwed up on edibles, I had just flat out taking way too much for my first time ever having real edibles ..  I ended up puking on the floor at the rave and basically my group had to drag me and make sure that I was OK the entire night and it was just really embarrassing, I had a final destination movie moment where I really thought we were going to die as soon as we stepped onto the event venue, and it was triggered by seeing someone that I thought looked like someone who had recently died and after that my whole entire trip just went south really fast and after I puked I felt so much better but before  then I was actually just awful and so many ways. Saturday  was my birthday and  It was honestly pretty awful, Ashton stayed at the hotel and me and my cousin and her boyfriend went out to a lunch date where they proceeded to get into a fight and he ended up leaving us, then coming back like 10 minutes later and pulling my cousin from the table and demanding to talk to her.  The night was fun though, Ashton stayed home so I was a third wheel on my birthday but that's to be expected... We smoked a bunch and laughed and danced. Sunday  Ashton finally felt better and we had a pretty good day together. The whole ride home, he was sick again, I had to message his mom worried and told him he needed an ER. We finally got home and his mom admitted to me that he had drank on the fourth of july when he promised me he wouldn't/hadn't. We kind of got into a fight about that but now it doesn't even matter. The whole trip was a waste and I was honestly just happy to get home and get away from them all. I got my expectations up too high and I shouldn't have.

Wavering Sobriety

Alright so I just got off work. I'm sipping on coca cola and some blackberry whiskey. Lets see where the words will take us tonight.
First off, I don't know if I'm back in my phase of mood swinging or what but after vacation, I don't see me and Ashton lasting for long. I'm too difficult. I'm too difficult for anyone to be honest and I really just rather be single at this point rather than put anyone else through the hell that is ME.  Now let's be honest.. there are people out there who can handle the worst of people and I'd be considered easy, and I love those types of people but sadly I don't have enough of those people in my life. To most people I'm just difficult, stubborn, selfish, too loud, etc and all of that fun stuff. I don't want to really back out of my life though and stop being me, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing. The alcohol is hitting me way too hard clearly cause I don't remember how I truly feel anymore. I work tomorrow and then by 10pm I am on vacation time! I'm honestly just praying that it goes smoothly... me and Ashton were already arguing about wether to bring a rig for dabs on the road trip. I paid for everything though and I feel like if I'm the one driving, I should have the say what goes in the car or not.. especially if it's my moms car.. I'm just terrified that the first out of state rave experience I'll have, will also be my first experience in jail. I'm also terrified that we wont have as much fun without our actual rave family going. It'll be just me and Ashton.. and the last two raves we went to, we weren't as close of a couple as we are now.. I think my cousin and her bf will be fine though. I just want everything to go according to plan.. but there really isn't a plan.. thats the issue. Perhaps I am a control freak, or perhaps I am just afraid of chaos. Perhaps I am just a cheater, and not really a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I am self destructive forever, not somebody who is recovering. How do we truly even define ourselves half of the time? I can't be the only person who argues with themselves about who they truly are inside, and how they really feel? I never know which feelings of mine are real and which ones are fake, I don't know whats contributed to PMS or bipolar, or which ones are truly established emotions. Don't you know how scary that is? I always have to wonder WHY I feel a certain why, I can't just accept it and move on. I can't just decide I don't love someone one day and then leave, because I don't know what makes me truly feel that way.. so I stay. and I stay. and I continue to stay. because the cycle repeats.. It always repeats.. thats why people ask me why I stayed with a guy who was abusive to be but... I couldn't ever reason the emotion to why I felt like I should leave him. Maybe I feel like I should be abused, maybe I feel like I should be pushed around and manipulated, maybe I need that in my life to show me how I used to act towards other people. I don't want to be in love with anyone at this point, I just want to be done. I don't want to keep pretending that I can love just one person and be committed to them. AT this point, i've already fucked up my relationship, that part is just a secret though. A secret I wish I wasn't hiding but theres not really any option. I keep a lot of secrets. But are they really secrets if sometimes they just never need to be told? I feel like it really fucks someone up inside to know that they have been cheated on. It really fucked me up. Maybe it was the fact that it was in person, maybe it was the fact that he didn't tell me himself, that the girl had to do it, maybe it was the fact that she was prettier than me and more than I could ever be. I don't know. How could I knowingly tell someone I cheated on them and deceived them when I know exactly how they will feel? Isn't it just easier to carry on as nothing happened? Or is that cheater logic? I feel like you should know when someone has been unfaithful, I feel like they carry an energy around them that tells you that they have been up to no good. I sure as hell felt the uneasiness of my ex before I knew why he was creating that aura. I just had a feeling that something was off, that something was bad, that I was being.. fooled? Maybe other people don't pick up that good of senses. I swear sometimes I'm crazy when I talk about auras and everything. I just constantly feel really in touch with the universe and other people. I know better than to let people lie to me and go behind my back, and perhaps that is why I'm so good at going behind others back.. Nights like this I really wish I could just take some pills and never wake back up.

Coming Out

Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. I wrote my feelings out last night and my ex messaged me while Ashton was spending the night. I didn't see it until 6am of course or I would have instantly messaged back.. but it's just so crazy that he messages me at the most random times. I knew he had been thinking about me, because I had been thinking about him too. Yesterday, I was talking to one of my friends and I have come to the conclusion that I am polyamorous/polgyamist  which is defined  as: a mating system in which an individual has more than one mate simultaneously that can either be male or female. And I'm also pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
 I honestly think this has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. but when I think about all of the relationships I have been in, I can honestly say that I have never been pleased with just one person. I always seeked more and more and more, even if my partner was giving me as much as they possibly could. I've cheated in all of my relationships, it doesn't matter how much I love/d that person, It still happens and I've come to the conclusion on the fact that I need more than one person. I don't say this as in the fact that I'm not "loyal" or "commited" to my partner, I say it in the means that I just don't work like that. My brain is not happy with being exclusive to one partner. I'm not happy single, and I'm not happy in a monogamous relationship, so I honestly think I need to explore my boundaries and see what will make me happy. I don't know if the bipolar could be playing a roll in this, or maybe it's just my sex drive.. I'm not really sure what is going on with myself. That's why I told Ashton last night that I needed to talk to him about something, but I wanted to wait until we took our trip to Colorado first. I just don't want anything potentially to ruin the relationship with 9 days left before we leave. I want everything to go smoothly. We were fighting all fourth of july weekend, but last night we spent together and we kinda got on eachothers butts a little bit but after it all, we watched a movie and cuddled and made out (and other stuff ;)) and it was an amazing night to get to enjoy the house to ourselves with our little puppy. It was much needed after being apart for almost two weeks. 
Admitting to myself that I am different is such a stressful thing though. I feel like society is going to outcast me for even speaking out loud my thoughts about this idea I have in my head. I just don't know how I'm ever supposed to be truly happy if I can't find a partner who is willing to be open to what I need. I mean.. In theory I think I'd be happy if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I can talk so much easier with girls than guys, but I can love equally both just as much as they need it. And then think about all the threesomes. (Hahaha... not really.. but... yeah.. thats a perk). But at the same time, it's not about sex. It's not about sex at all. I don't want sex from multiple people, I'm not greedy in that way (or am I?) I can be sexually satisified with just one person.. multiple times in a row.. I'm not really sure. That's why I'm afraid to speak these things to others.. Cause how can I explain it properly when I can't even think it out properly? All well. I guess time will tell. Funny how when I was younger, I never thought i'd be interested in girls.. let alone, be interested in dating more than one person at the same time.. BUT If I actually think about it, when I was younger and online dating, I was "dating" more than one person at once and it was so thrilling to me and thats what I enjoyed. I wish I had the chance to even try that, but the town I live in is definitely not accepting of that at all.. my parents wouldn't be accepting and I don't know if I could find a guy who loved me enough to share me. I think that's honestly a lot to ask out of partner and what if he just said yes to make me happy.. but deep down kept his negative thoughts towards it to himself? I don't want to do that. I just want to make other people happy, but if I need something out of a relationship... shouldn't I be able to get it? isn't love about sacrifice sometimes? I've sacrified a lot for all of my relationships.. I think if me and Ashton break up over this, the next person I date, I should be 110% honest with. I have jokingly asked Ashton if he'd let me have a girlfriend and he said yes.. but when I actually explain my real feelings.. I don't know if he would be so quick to say yes anymore.. or he might just think I'm lying to him so I can justify cheating on him or something. Who knows... But wouldn't it be cheating to try and find a second partner in the first place? Or is it all just consensual? I don't really know how this works. Someone help. 

Long Update

Wow. It's amazing to believe that I haven't written in this blog since October.. so much has happened. I really need to get back in to writing down my thoughts, you wouldn't believe how much mental progress it helps me make and how it helps me go back and realize how much I've changed. So lets see if I can catch myself up.. Me and Justin have broken up, we dated for about 7 months on and off, I can say it was the biggest roller coaster of my life. I honestly think we ended because of how emotinally abusive he got. I was terrified to do anything that would upset him, I couldn't hang with friends, and when I did.. he was calling me and texting me telling me that I needed to be spending time with him instead.. and after so much of that, I just got so sick of it. I don't remember exactly how or why we broke up but immediately after I cut ties with him, I've been dating a new guy. His name is Ashton, and currently we've been dating for almost 3 months. We started dating April 18th after we went to a rave called Something Wonderful (which got canceled half way through)... I've totally fallen in love with raves though. Our next one is Global Dance Festival in just 10 days! and in 11 days I will be 19. Crazy how time flies, I feel like I've only been 18 for a couple of months.. I've spent so much money on this trip. I had to pay for Ashton's ticket because he hasn't had a job in about a year. Now.. our realtionship is.. good? I guess.  I really can't say much. We've been kinda fighting when I wanted to go hang out with a guy friend and it reminded me so strongly of my ex that it just kind of put me off. I just can't possibly deal with another guy that wants to be controlling. But at the same time, I'm still crazy about Justin.We talked while I was dating Ashton and we hung out and he cried when he hugged.. I felt so awful, but we're both still crazy about eachother but after talking to him for a while, I saw that he hadn't changed as much as he said he had and I told him I was staying with my boyfriend.. then a few days after that he got a new girlfriend.. so I mean.. I wasn't that important to him obviously. Story of my life, yeah? Guys just wanna use you till they find the next girl to grip their claws in to I swear. Ashton, I think I love him but only time will tell. He's got some inner demons that I'm not sure he will ever conquer. He's a recovering addict and has a bad problem with alcohol.. I've threatened breaking up with him if he drinks anymore but who even knows. You can't stop someone who's determined to harm themselves.. and I know that on a personal level. I've relapsed a couple of times myself, shit just gets to me sometimes. I wish it wasn't that way. Me and my best friend Ashley stopped talking for a month or so, and thats when I just got so low.. and alot of my other friendships are fading too.. I guess thats the perks of growing up? I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life right now. Just living every day until I get somewhere better. I'm wanting to move soon enough, but I just want to take the plunge. I don't want to wait till I have money saved up or anything, I just want to go and see if I fall or fly. That's a crazy concept to most people but thats how I've lived most of my life and I feel like it teaches important lessons. OH. Me and Ashton got a dog together, he's a full bred Great Pyreenees.. his name is Apollo and hes a little cutie. Don't ask me what will happen to him if we break up... I would assume I get to keep him cause I paid for him ;). Now don't get me wrong.. Ashton isn't a cheap skate.. he just doesn't have money. and I've spent a lot of money on him... so to give up this relationship would really suck.. but for now, we're just making shit work between us. No real issues. He knows I'm crazy already and accepts it. He's showed me a little bit of his craziness, and it's hard to swallow sometimes but you know.. I guess that's what you have to do for love. I'm still working the same job at El Fenix.. been there since early October.. I still love it. Just lots of drama, I do adore my coworkers though. A few of us hung out last night and shared a blunt and some drinks, good times. I wish I had my own friends up in this shitty town but coworkers will have to be the closest thing to friends I have until I move. I've had a couple of love interests up at work but nothing I would ever end my relationships for. I hung out with a guy while I was single and he was the worst kisser EVER, and after that work was just really awkward.. but he got in a fight with a manager and quit so I guess that's good. I need to just not mess with people at work, I should know better than that.. but that's where my best relationship came out of, working at Domino's together (Wil <3). It's shocking I still talk to two of my ex's.. My very first ex and my longest relationship ex. They're both great guys, It's hard to become friends but damn if you really commit to it, it's possible. Ex's are people too, and I just believe that if you love someone, you're gonna think about them from time to time. Especially if you were intimate with them before. I find myself becoming more and more of a hypocrite though with things that I really need to chill out on. I wish I could find a way to fix that. Like.. for example.. if a guy that has been talking to me for a while, tells me that he just got laid or whatever I either get disgusted or disappointed or upset or something.. and it's not the fact that I don't like hearing about that stuff, it's just the fact that they text me and tell ME about it.. someone that they've admitted to liking and shit.. but at the same time i've told guys when I've gotten laid and stuff and I know they don't like it, but i've done it anyways.. so I dunno. something about me is just hardcore fucked up in my brain. I think I just get too attached to people and I expect them to be loyal to me (Even if i'm not loyal to them).. I'm going to start writing more frequently I promise.. 

Inner Ramblings

Inner Ramblings, 

I find it so hard to write anything unless I am emotionally at capacity. So much has happened, I guess I will just try and spill my thoughts to this blank page and hope that at the end I feel some sort of relief for letting this all out. Mostly, I have just been beyond stressed with thoughts of the future, I don't ever feel like I will be able to get out of Texas, I don't know where I would go, the idea of facing all of this alone with nobody to hold my hand is absolutely terrifying to me. I don't feel prepared in even the slightest way and I keep going back and forth on whether I want to major in nursing or art. The problem with mental illness is that you have to plan your entire future around it. For the rest of my life, Everything will have to be "bipolar approved" for me, I just don't think I will ever be able to have a job that would give me a week off because I am going through a manic episode.. I just don't ever seeing life working out for me. I feel so trapped and I don't feel like there is any place for me to go. I don't feel welcome at home any more, they are trying to push me to move out but the only place I really want to go is New York and at first my mom was supportive about it (as she usually is about my ideas) and then when I get more serious about it and make actual plans she decides to not give me her support anymore and tell me that I can't do it (this is no surprise, both my parents do this shit to me).. I feel like any direction I try to head in, I am shot down instantly by either myself or somebody else.. Me and Justin had been dating for two months last week. Two months of having to go see him, but being as happy as I could be with him. I was falling for him until he cheated on me. It ruined my trust for him but I forgave him because I knew that I wanted to stay dedicated to him.. we had the best two months, we went out on a fabulous two month date, out to chili's and to go see a movie and we had sex afterwards but it didn't feel right.. Ever since he cheated, I had felt like my emotions for him was fading fast.. he forced me to tell me that he loved him so then I never knew if it was because I did actually love him or because I wanted him to be happy.. He didn't finish that night during sex and I asked immediately if I could go home (which is rare, it was 12am and I usually always spend the night with him), I drove home and cried the whole way home, beyond convinced that I wanted to break up with him, that I could be better with out him. Saturday, I accidentally found out that he was still friends with the girl he cheated on me with on Facebook, even though he promised me up and down that he would block her and never talk to her again no matter what, I told him that he had a choice to make and that it was me and her, and he selected me at the time.. but then finding this out.. that he had lied.. made the pain just stab in to me.. I texted him and I asked him why he lied to me. And he played it dumb at first, saying that he had added her but never talked to her.. and I threatened to talk to HER about it and he confessed that he had been talking to her every week or so so that he could make sure she hadn't killed herself.. and told me that he didn't think I needed my permission to talk to her.. No.. You didn't need my permission, you really didn't, I understood why you needed to talk to her, your heart wants the best for people and its hard to just drop somebody who meant the world to you.. I get that. He dated her for longer anyways.. 2 months doesn't compare to 8 months with somebody.. even though you gave me a piece of you that nobody else will ever have now. I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.. and so I told you I was done. I gave him his warning a long time ago and he didn't take me seriously. I didn't think that he was cheating on me again, I believed him when he said that he was only checking in on her.. but I should have been told.. He could have told me.. He didn't need my permission but I feel like as his girlfriend I should be aware of who he talks to.. and he had been obviously deleting his texts from her (which he promised I could see his phone whenever I wanted but i never checked, only looked over his shoulder when he opened up his phone). I don't really know why this is upsetting me so much. I wanted to end things with him anyways and I needed a reason.. but I didn't want this to be the reason. He didn't even text me back to the last thing I said, he deleted me on everything, blocked me on facebook, anything he could possibly do to get away from me I guess. But if he really loved me, wouldn't he have fought for me?? You don't fall in love with someone and just let them walk away from you... You don't let it go down without a fight... You just don't do that.. He didn't try to even console me at all, he only said "Sorry".. that was all you he fucking said.. "Sorry."  Sorry... Sorry... Sorry.. Those 5 fucking letters don't fix anything.. and that was when I knew it was over... Two months, shared secrets, shared bodies and now we are strangers.. like we were never even together at all. It took minutes to end two months worth of progress and I find that utterly heartbreaking. So after that morning/afternoon of that drama, I went to go hang with my friends and we smoked a lot of weed, I felt happy, we did some molly for the first time and it was the most ecstatic feeling ever.. I found this description of doing molly online and I believe this is SPOT on to how I felt -  "At its best? It feels like joy. Like standing in the presence of God and knowing you are loved without reservation. It feels the way you haven't felt since you were a small child, absolutely alive, absolutely in the moment, able to feel and experience and share with others without fear or hesitation. It is the most perfect moment of the most perfect day of your life, when trouble was nothing but a memory and the possibilities rolled on forever. It is the achievement of the inner peace the religions try to sell but rarely deliver. At its best, MDMA is one of the finest, purest, most profound experiences life has to offer." I'm not religious at all, but this is what I would expect it would to feel like if I were to meet a higher being such as god. I felt amazing for about 10 hours, then the come down sat in.. and it was 9pm and I hadn't slept in 30 hours and I started to panick because my pupils were huge and I wasn't necessary feeling bad but I was having flashes of being too hot, panicky, jittery, shaky, mumbling to myself.. I was glad my mom decided to leave me alone yesterday.. probably because she figured I would be sad over justin.. I had an amazing night though, I didn't think about justin.. until about 30 minutes in to rolling when it kicked in, I texted him without me even realizing it and told him that I loved him but I fucking hated him for lying to me.. why couldn't he just tell the truth? He never replied back of course.. and I never wanted him to. I know he feels as bad as I do. But he is hiding his pain.. as most guys do, he's not posting it on the internet, he's not trying to leave a trail of his hurt emotions.. Or maybe he feels nothing at all? Who even knows. Anyways.. so the night consisted mostly of just listening to dubstep music and talking a lot on our dealers bed, one of my friends got sicked and puked about 6 times but we tried to let it not destroy the good vibes. When we had to go back to my friends house, is when the peak of the drug started coming in, I started talking real fast and I got overly excited and just everything hit me at once and it was the most amazing feeling and scary because it was new.. I accidentally texted one of my crushes and we started talking about college at first and I admitted to him I was rolling hard as fuck and then my whole like inner shield just came down completely and i told him how bad I had been crushing on him, how i have wanted him for almost a year but hid my feelings and I told him WAY too much.. (openness is a side effect of molly, i learned this later) and surprisingly he took it well, he told me that he had liked me too and was attracted to me, just never knew i was interested in him since he was still heartbroken over his ex. And we chatted and he let me roll and talk to him and made him laugh a lot. I don't know if things will ever go anywhere with him but it took a huge relief off of my chest just to have somebody to talk to.. I didn't really think about justin anymore until I laid in bed and I started scrolling through tumblr on my phone and I realized how much I missed him.. but then I told myself that was the molly talking, I don't really miss him, I missed the attention he gave me.. But I will find that again.. I will find somebody better and I know that. It's just bad timing for all of this.. I am still coming down from the molly but it seems to be mostly out of my system, my heart rate is still pretty fast and I have no appetite at all but I feel mostly like myself.. I just felt like I needed to close these emotions off from me so I won't be so sad, and writing ALWAYS helps me.. I don't go back and reread what I write, I write from my heart and thats all I can do to help heal myself.. I don't think I plan on doing that drug again, it was fun but it would be a long time before I could work the nerve up to do it for a second time, the comedown ruined the amazing feels of the high.. but our molly was laced with meth and I think thats what made the comedown so bad.. I don't know it could be a lot of factors.. My period is soon too, I know for sure that is why I've been crying on and off all day, I feel miserably alone.. and I don't want to go back to my old self again..  Is using drugs really me? Is that really who I am? Is that really what I have to resort to? I guess it is since you left this gaping hole in my heart and you won't be coming back to fix it ever. 

An Update

An Update,

WOW, It has been absolutely so long since I have written everything, I would say that it was because I have been busy but that is a lie, I think I just forgot and I think I just haven't had any way to explain what is going on in my life. Well for the first time in a long time, I am happy. I am really really happy. I just started dating a new guy named Justin, he lives an hour away from me but he is amazing. We have only been dating for two weeks (as of today) but so far he is everything that I could ask for in a guy. I finished my first semester of college, I failed chemistry. I took a summer class in English and I passed that. I have a new job working at a restaurant in the casino, I haven't started actually working yet but I had orientation today and classroom for the next week to learn the menu and everything. I got my first two tattoos, they were pretty painful on the back of my thighs but definitely worth it, I am in love with them. I got my belly button pierced, I have my snakebites back, and I took out my second nose piercing. So many changes, but I am very pleased with where my life is going and I know this blog has seen a fair share of my ups and downs but I really hope from now that it is all ups. I am still bipolar, I have had cutting relapses, I have starved myself, I've been hurt, I've lost friends since I have blogged last. All of that has not changed, but I am trying to learn to feel better and deal with things as they come and just not let them ruin everything. If I am sad, I'm trying to just hide my feelings and wait until they pass instead of fighting and messing up the relationship I am in. I really hope that this is the relationship that will lead to a marriage. I don't know how I could be so serious about him so soon but literally he is the only guy who has made me want to change myself for the better, I have no thoughts of cheating on him, I don't have eyes for anybody else, I wouldn't want anybody else and I just can't believe that I found him and he likes me just as much as I like him. I want to say that I love him but honestly I feel like that is too soon and it would be silly of me to go out and confess my love so soon. We have a very complicated relationship. I don't know if I want to post it here. I don't know if I want anybody to know. I don't know if it's something that you just don't tell people or something people don't want to know, so I won't post it yet because honestly it doesn't matter and it doesn't change my feelings for him. I just hope that he won't leave me and I hope that I don't end up pushing him away eventually with how up and down in my moods I am. He is something really good that has walked in to my life. As for other friends/ex boyfriends/etc. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain. Me and Wil are completely over, we were back and forth for so long and I am just officially done. I deleted his mother off of Facebook, I didn't want her messaging me telling me to talk to him because he is upset or something like she usually does. I can't find the heart to delete him off of Facebook but he texts me every now and then and asks me how I am.. I wish he didn't, I don't have any more feelings for him and I don't know if I ever did. I used to think I loved him, but I think I was just so afraid of being alone that I had to create fake feelings to make him happy. I know that I used to love Daniel for sure, I would have given the world for him and I still love him but I am not in love with him, He is somewhat a friend but that is weaning with how hateful he has been towards me for dating someone new, I don't know if it's because he's tired of being alone or he just doesn't want to see me happy if he's not happy or what. I can't stress over that though, I don't want to stress about anything. I stress anyways, about everything but if I can save myself the stress of dealing with other people who don't want the best for me, I can do that for myself at least. I just feel really weird of the fact that each relationship is a different feeling, I don't feel the same way about every guy that I have dated, the love is different each time and I really think that is something that everyone should pay attention to. You can love someone, but you will never love them like you loved another person. The feelings are different, the situation is different, the person is different, and you are different as well. You may not feel the difference that each relationship creates inside of you, but it does, and it grows and it tweaks you with each fight, with each moment of sweet words that makes your heart flutter. 

Nothing New

Nothing New,

SO. Happy new year, it is another year which means it is another year to just give up and make the same mistakes over and over again which is honestly probably what I will do. I haven't talked to Frank since November 30th and it is literally killing me, I have tried texting him so much asking him and begging him to talk to me but I haven't heard anything back. My friends texted him trying to get him to talk to me and he responded and said "lol ok kid" or whatever some crap like that. I am still living with lee. I have the rest of this week of school and next week and then I am officially graduated. I enrolled in college classes today and I am super excited! I just need to start losing weight again and get a puppy and then my life will be back on track hopefully. I still feel alone, all the time and the moods haven't changed but I have decided that I just will have to live with them. There is no getting out of this. Christmas sucked, it was the worse. I got nothing that I wanted. I did get the other side of my nose pierced a week ago. It looks nice, I don't know if I will keep it forever honestly. I like it on me but some of my friends think that it is too many facial piercings. As far as everything else in my life goes.. I think it is okay. Daniel is moving back here in two weeks. I'm excited yet nervous, I don't really know how much it is going to effect my life anyways. Me and Lee have been on and off fighting which has been not that great. We just get on eachothers nerves I guess. It shouldn't be that way but we clash in certain personality traits of eachother I suppose, it's kind of weird though because he reminds me of Frank in the bad qualities that he possessed. I love Frank. A lot. It took me so long to get over Daniel, now how am I supposed to get over Frank.. Oh. Wil is moving to California.. Him and his girlfriend broke up, They only dated for a little bit over a month but I can guarantee they had sex. I only know they broke up cause she deleted all the photos of him and her on instagram and started posting depressing crap. I kind of felt bad for her, she thought she was in love with him but she looked young and naive and she will find better. I miss Wil.. I think. I'm not sure, he was a good guy. He was the only one who truly understood my moods and did as best as possible to make me feel better and not fight with me. I miss having someone who understands me. I miss frank more than words can express. and I have no earthly idea how I can ever get him back in my life. I guess I can just keep messaging him and figure out how to get him back in my life somehow but there is no guarantee that he will ever respond back. I don't even know if he cares about me anymore. I don't think he does. But I can't walk away and it is ruining me. but what really sucks is that every guy I meet I expect them to just be able to take his place and be him and know me how he did and do the things he did and make me feel how he did so when they don't I don't want to be around them at all. but I can't seem tog et it through my head that it took a lot for me and him to develop the type of relationship that we had, that it didn't just happen over night and I can't just expect some new guy to walk into my life and be able to make everything better for me. But that is what I want. and I'll never find that so why do I even bother trying to find anyone anymore? I don't want to date anymore unless it is Frank and I don't know how long that view point will last but that is how I am feeling as of right now. I feel alone but I refuse to get close to anyone again. My heart is just hurting and it feels like theres a knife and every time i text him and he doesn't text back, the knife twists a little bit and just tears apart every broken piece of me that I managed to put back together after the heartbreak of Daniel and now Frank. I can't keep losing everyone. I am trying my hardest I swear but it never seems like I can get anywhere good. am I seriously doomed to be miserable for life? Because that is how it feels. I am never satisfied with anything. I am always wanting more, and I don't know if that is greed or if it is just a self destructive behavior that I have created for myself because I don't want to ever let myself be happy with the things I have. 

So Worthless

So Worthless,

So I've been staying at Lee's house for about a week now, last weekend we were iced in. Right now I feel like shit. Like absolute shit, and I don't know if it's a mood swing or what it is that has made me feel this way but I literally had to leave the apartment for like a hour and a half just to go and drive around and try to clear my head but it didn't work at all so I came back and I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I just don't know what to do anymore about anything.. I mean everything seems to just be going fine and then it all just turns into shit so quickly.. Frank still hasn't talked to me, I have tried texting him every single day since we last stopped talking.. but no response.. and I am shaking so badly because I am that upset and I just don't know how I am ever supposed to survive these mood swings, and I don't even want to begin to let anyone become close to me when I have become such a monster that I don't even recognize myself sometimes. I almost just want to drop everything and end it all and just end my life or something equivalent to that. I was driving and I spaced out and I almost hit the car in front of me, going about 40 miles an hour and I really just didn't want to press down on the brake for a split second, but I ended up pressing it down quickly and jolting myself forward but I guess that is better than killing myself.. Everything just feels extremely hopeless right now. And I'm sorry I can't write anymore.

Hazy Words

Hazy Words,

So. He blew me off. I didn't get to see Frank last night, last I heard from his was at 11:30pm and he said he wasn't off work yet.. so I had to sleep on freezing cold hard wood floors in an empty house, home alone, safe to say my night was shit. I can't believe the nerve of him sometimes. He hasn't talked to me at all today, I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore. I shattered my phone, closed it in on my trunk, it's pretty badly damaged, I have to use my moms upgrade to get a new one I guess. I'm really upset.. I would cut if my razors weren't already put up but I guess that wouldn't help anything. I'm just so stuck and I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. This is the last night in the house, i'll be spending the night in the RV though, then school tomorrow and try to get my life back on track. I hope Frank stays in it though, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him keeping me happy. But if we were trying to start over and do better, he sure does know how to ruin it because he definitely pissed me off last night. He kept saying he was sorry and everything but then I told him to text me when he got off so I could come over and actually sleep decently and he just didn't... totally left me hanging. It's not the first time he has done that I guess.. so I shouldn't expect anything from him.. I just hoped that he would have changed in 4 months since I had talked to him. Apparently not, or I guess I just don't mean that much to him.. I've had two drinks tonight, I'm feeling tipsy.. The room is a little swirly but whatever.. I don't want to deal with this shit today or ever. I don't even deserve love, I should just stop trying. I really need to stop trying. No point to relationships anymore because they're just a waste of my time honestly, I'm so pathetic I cheat in all of them then try and justify it somehow.. but in all honestly it's just because I'm a bad person. I guess I knew that all along though. I'm just dreading school tomorrow, I'm so done and I feel so trapped because I still have a little bit more to go. Ugh. I don't even know what to write anymore. My feelings are jumbled and I'm upset and so disappointed. I wonder why Lee didn't even try to fight for me? Shows how much anyone cares I guess. It was just a month though. Not really a big deal. We stopped talking finally. I don't know if we wilI ever talk again honestly. We are still friends on facebook, I see what he posts. He sees what I post. Maybe it'll just be one of those relationships. Just watch but never say much or like anything of eachothers. Ah my brain is so foggy. I'm going to stop writing now.. I'm so depressed that I can't stand up.. I have no motivation to even go on anymore.. Please Frank just text me.. I don't care if you don't read my blogs.. just text me.. show me that you care.. show me that somebody cares..

Unexpected Things

Unexpected Things,

Woohoo, another blog entry. Today is moving day, well we are packing everything up today. It has been a hard day, just watching everything come out of the house and watch it empty and empty more and more. So many things have happened though. First of all, I hit my one month mark with Lee.. then I texted Frank and we started talking again, turns out we just stopped talking because of misunderstanding, he wasn't mad at me or anything.. I don't know if I honestly believe that, he was pretty pissed at me when we stopped talking but I didn't want to start a fight. But before all of that, my psychiatrist upped my dosage of Lamictal to 100mg and I had a really bad reaction to it, I had to go the ER because I was having tremors so bad and uncontrollable shaking and falling and stumbling everywhere and all my lymph nodes were swollen so badly and I felt like I was just in a whole different mind state, fading in and out of reality and my memory was coming and going and lapsing so that I wouldn't know what I was saying or when I said it or why I said it and was fading out badly when people would talk to me.. so I told my mom about everything and they admitted me to the emergency room, gave me a huge old shot of benadryl and sent my back home. It made me mad because all of that, just to get a shot in my butt... I know that our money is tight and it shouldn't all be spent on me. Anyways, it's been 7 or 8 days since that incident and my reality is still a little hazy, sometimes I don't remember even making the decisions I've made (like saying something, etc) It's a little bit scary. I just want this all to fade and give me back my reality. Anyways.. So the night I started talking to Frank, he asked me to hang out so I went to his new apartment and it was kind of just like old times, a little bit awkward at first but then he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me and he had no idea that I had a boyfriend.. and for that moment, I forgot that I had a boyfriend too... I had to leave very suddenly though because it was 2am and my mom started texting me and telling me that if I didn't get home I would be kicked out.. so after that we've just been talking.. My family and I got into a huge fight yesterday afternoon though because they didn't want me cheating on Lee because he didn't deserve that and that they didn't appreciate how I acted sometimes, etc etc. (Brothers home from college for the thanksgiving break too!) and so I ended up just acting on impulse and texted Lee and broke up with him and I think he's pretty hurt. He played it off really cool but he said that he didn't even consider one month a relationship and that he could tell for a while that I just wasn't that in to him, etc etc. Then he went all over Facebook and started posting crap about how chicks just lie about who they are and he should only date chicks who like cats and video games and blah blah.. I know none of it is directed exactly towards me but it's still a hit at me and I don't appreciate the immaturity of that. Thanksgiving was fun.. boring.. we just looked at black friday deals, I bought a huge fish tank from my aunt for 25$ though, probably it was around 300$ brand new so it was a really good deal and it'll look awesome in the new house. just needs to be cleaned up and get some fish for it. I applied to NCTC today, hopefully to start college classes in the spring.. I'm excited but so nervous to grow up.. It seems like everything is just happening so fast and that's kind of how I figured this year would be. It's not easy but it'll be worth it. I never expected Frank to come back into my life though.. like never in a million years did I begin to imagine it.. same thing with Daniel though, never imagined we would be anything again and then he showed up and blew my whole mind away.. but me and him still aren't talking, probably Laura's fault since he's banging her again.. not my concern, I love Frank and that sounds crazy but it's true.. I don't know what him and I are though.. I don't think we're dating, I don't even know, friends with benefits? Who knows.. all I care about is that he is in my life. I saw Catching Fire with Alex last night though, he's a good friend I appreciate having, we had a good time, it was a good movie but so long, my legs were so cramped afterwards. I haven't really talked to any of my friends over the break, shows how much of "friends" they are. I'm not ready to go back to school on Monday.. I just need to get through it though I guess so I can graduate. I wish school just didn't involve seeing anyone though, I get so tired of the same high school bullshit. Everyone is so fake and it just doesn't impress me. I might be seeing Frank tonight.. I really hope I am. but until then, I'll write again later~ hopefully we will be in the new house by the time I write another blog :)!  This blog wasn't much about my feelings, just an update.. I'm not feeling too emotional lately. Just lovesick I guess. I wish relationships were easier for me. I watched my brother and his girlfriend today, and I kept asking myself if I would ever find somebody who looked at me like that and who cared like they do for eachother, I hope I do. They are perfect marriage material.

Spilling Thoughts

Spilling Thoughts,

I know I always say it has been a while, it has, and I swear it never feels like anything has changed until I go back and read my blogs and figure out what has changed since I last posted. Well let me start from my last post. The Halloween party went really well actually, everybody had fun, there was a little bit of drama, but there was sexy dancing and fun costumes and I really enjoyed myself and I think everyone else did too. Cameron slipped out early from the party and I followed him to his car and was asking why he was leaving early, he just said he wasn't feel good, etc etc, which I honestly knew the reason why he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to see me with Lee.. which I mean I understood, and I was trying to comfort him and all of a sudden he grabbed me and kissed me, and we kissed and kissed some more and it was hot and it was passionate and it was everything I missed about him, and I hate that I missed that about him, it was wrong, and it was cheating on his girlfriend, but he never minded that.. so after we finally parted, he went home, I went back inside feeling pretty sad, I just tried to stay close to Lee after ignoring him for most of the party, we went outside and smoked and it calmed my nerves down, so I sat next to him and leaned my head on him. After the party was over about 12, I had to drive him home, and he asked me to get out of the car to hug him, so I got out and he clinged on to me so hard when he hugged, I thought he was never going to let go, he hugged me like I was a long lost family member that he had loved and missed for several years, like, so full of emotion it was honestly really intense, and scary somehow.. then we pulled back finally after probably 30 seconds, and he was like oh screw it and kissed me, and I kissed back, and wow. It was.. pretty interesting.. we didn't kiss for that long, then I drove home and he started texting me about how amazing I was.. the next day, we hung out and I got to see his apartment, he asked me out and I of course said yes. So as of October 26th, 2013 we are official. After all of that, I ended up cutting, and went back to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed as bipolar, so I have been on Lamictal for a while now, I have been feeling pretty good honestly, I was nauseous for the first few days of taking it but it cleared up and now my normal appetite is back but I think the binge eating is a little better, Not sure actually about that one. No cutting or anything though so far, so thats good. Oh. We are for sure moving as of December 4th, we found a house in Gainesville, it's really beautiful and I'm really excited. I'm going to be living with Lee until January though when I graduate so that I won't be a hour away from school. I'm nervous to see how that will go honestly, I don't know if he will get on my nerves or if i'll get on his or something.. I'm just hoping for the best.. My parents are super stressed about the move, but I know they will love the new house very much when everything works itself out. I'm just super stressed out that I am failing math currently, a 49.. I am seriously pissed at myself and scared that I won't graduate early if I can't get this credit.. Everything else is on the back burner until I can get this grade up.. Nothing else is really new, Daniel is still chasing after Laura pretty bad even though shes dating some new guy now, I haven't talk to him much anymore honestly.. I just have nothing to say for him.. I'm so angry that I wanted him for so long and now that I could have him, I just don't want him. I wonder if thats how it would be if I got frank back.. would I realize that what I have now is better without him like I did with Daniel?  Thats the scary part.. being so uncertain.. I wish I just knew what would happen after every choice I made, I would text Frank right this very second if I knew I could have him in my arms and talking to me night after night again.. but I know those moments are gone forever, and only now I just have to find someone new to trust.. I hate that.. I hate spilling my heart to people who don't even know who I am and then I just dump all of my crazy on them, and it makes me feel so vulnerable because once my insecurities are out, they have every possible way to destroy me.. and Frank.. oh... he destroyed me.. when he knew I needed him, wanted him, he left.. I don't really understand how people can do that. I don't know how anyone can be that heartless honestly.. It just baffles me to no end. I shouldn't linger on him anymore though, he's rarely in my thoughts anymore, just tonight I saw his name in my phone and it made me think, and I don't want to think.. not about him anymore.. I swear I think about people that just shouldn't matter anymore, they're always in my thoughts and I always consider what I could have done to be better for them.. or be better for myself.. I would fix everything with everyone I have ever had trouble with if I could. I can't stand loose ends in relationships, it honestly just weighs me down like a huge anchor and I don't know if some day it could drag me under again..

Stay Please

Stay Please,

Alright so update time, Homecoming is past, it was actually a fairly fun night, until I kept looking at how thin all of the other girls were, and how much I missed Wil and how I should be here with him, not Connor, but we danced, and I looked great and I tried to put on a fake smile and be happy with everything and act like nothing was bugging me. At the end of the night, me and Connor had alone time and after we walked to my car, he leaned in to kiss me and I had to push him away, and tell him I just wasn't interested in being anything more than friends, which he had already known so I'm not sure why he even tried. Me and Daniel still haven't talked for a while..Thats fine with me but the next time he comes into town (which should be early november), I really hope he doesn't text me and expect me to pity him or even want to see him.. cause honestly I don't.. I just want to move on from him and every guy in my past that has caused me pain.. I found out Alex has a girlfriend, that hurt, I stopped texting him so much.. I don't want to mess up his happiness. But the one that is hurting the MOST, that is Frank.. I miss Frank so much, I swear hes in almost every one of my dreams and it is just killing me, and I wake up and it hurts because they aren't real.. and I honestly know, he's not good for me, he hurt me, he ruined me.. but before all of the pain, he saved me, he was the one at 1 in the morning, holding me in his arms while I cried because I was so upset, and he listened to my rants and my raves, and he kissed me like he loved me, and held me, and always wanted to be with me, and I just wonder what happened to that guy that I fell in love with.. because I didn't fall in love with.. this guy that ignores someone who cares about him, doesn't wanna see or talk or be anything to me.. That is just not who I fell for... but I guess people change, and we have to let them go when they're gone because they aren't going to be coming back.. thats just the hard part of life. Acceptance. It's an easy theory, but actually trying to do it, is not so easy. After homecoming, the next big event is my Halloween partyyyy, which is the 25th, hopefully that will go over pretty well, we are gonna be extremely drunk off our butts for that party, It'll be fun and nice to get away from everything for a while. So, the real important thing is, I'm crushing on a new guy. His name is Lee, and we've been Facebook friends forever it seems, but he finally messaged me like a week ago, and we have just been talking constantly since then, we haven't ever met in person but we have mutual friends and he used to date this girl I HATE HATE HATE, but she is considered a mutual enemy I guess. So I'm not worried he's fake or anything.. He's 21, almost 22 in November, the age worries me a little bit but honestly we are perfect for eachother, we have all of the same likes, like literally.. everything.. same view about the world, people, love, relationships, sex, we like the same type of movies, music, food, color, it is just honestly so scary how alike we are.. I keep thinking that he will be scared off by my weirdness or something but he seems to be holding strong.. I haven't showed him any mood swings though, thankfully I'm not in that phase of my cycle.. I don't want to show him that side of me. I'm officially meeting him for my Halloween party though, I hope it goes well.. I'm extremely nervous, like, so many things could go wrong, so many things could go right.. and he just is practically my dream guy... I'm so scared that as soon as I fall for him, something is just going to happen and rip all of that happiness away from me like it always does.. I hope this time, for once, that he stays in my life.. and even better if we can become friends before dating and establish a better base than I have with any other relationship, cause if I get him as my boyfriend, I sure as hell do not want to give him up.. Maybe even marriage... which would be far off, of course.. Anyways, gotta go do a bunch of homework now.. All core classes really sucks, but I'm excited for January to be done with high school forever, it seems to be going by really quickly, almost too quickly, I'm going to miss all of my friends that are going to be in school until June. 

On a side note though: I've still been thinking about start to smoke cigarettes, good idea or bad.. I don't know.. if I start smoking, I'm sorry future me.. hopefully not until 18 though..